If your teen is using substances, you probably spend a lot of time thinking about how you can get them to STOP.

Well, let me just tell you what you’ve probably already figured out – you can’t force them to do anything anymore (and be wary of anyone who tells you otherwise).

But if all your consequencing, punishments, lectures, drug testing, and other tactics haven’t worked (and I suspect they haven’t or you wouldn’t be here), it’s time to try something completely different. What do you have to lose, right?

If you’re new here, I’m Ann Coleman, an attorney turned parent educator, and I made many mistakes with my teenage son before turning things around. In this podcast, I teach you science backed strategies that will improve your teen’s behavior…

And today I’m going to talk to you about a few of the strategies set forth in the book, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.

This book is one of the most highly regarded on the subject of helping any loved one change their relationship with substances.

The authors (who treat people every day in their Center for Motivation and Change in New York City) focus on two of the most powerful and effective tools to help someone change their interaction with substances – motivational interviewing and Community Reinforcement and Family Training or CRAFT for short.

If you’ve never heard of it, the CRAFT method has been rigorously scientifically compared to both the AL-Anon 12-step approach and traditional intervention approaches (you know, the kind you’ve seen on TV) and CRAFT has been consistently shown to be more successful in getting loved ones into treatment, improving a teenager’s substance use patterns, improving communication skills, developing behavior management skills, and more.

Many of the strategies used by those other popular methods (such as distancing yourself from your child) can be harmful to the relationship with your teen and cause rebellion – even worse substance use and risky behavior.

The authors of Beyond Addiction have a special guide for parents of teens and I’m going to review some of the strategies they discuss there. I’ll have the link to everything in the show notes or episode description on YouTube.

These strategies mirror many of the foundational elements I teach in Parent Camp and will help with every aspect of your relationship with your teen.

Now, just understand up front that all of this takes an open mind, and lots of patience and practice. It’s hard – but certainly no harder than what you’re doing right now.

Also, know that there’s no ONE right way to help your teen if they’re using substances. There are so many variables to consider and so many different ways that you may be able to help.

Things like helping them find new interests, working hard to improve your relationship with them and the family dynamic, and reinforcing healthier habits can all improve their situation – as will some treatments and therapies.

Do your research – lots of it – and get advice from different experts and professionals then decide the best route to take for YOUR child.

Now, as I pointed out a couple of episodes ago – if you want to help your teen, the most vital thing to understand is WHY they use their substance of choice. They’re getting some sort of specific reward from it.

You need to understand if your teen is drinking to feel less inhibited, smoking weed to help his anxiety, or perhaps under some pressure to do something. Their reason will help guide you towards the solution. Go back and listen to episode 245 or watch the YouTube video entitled, “Why Teens Use Substances and How to Help Prevent it”.

When you can recognize that their behavior serves a real purpose for them, you should be able to muster up more empathy, take their behavior less personally, have a little less anxiety about it and hopefully then respond to their behavior in a more emotionally regulated and productive way.

Emotional regulation is a quarter of the foundational framework I teach in Parent Camp. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is that you become more aware of your emotions and learn to manage them so you can actually engage with your teen in a way that will help them do better (rather than intensify their negative behaviors).

The more you allow your emotions to take over, the more lecturing, threatening, yelling, punishing, and controlling you’re likely to do. And I can assure you that will only lead to animosity and disconnection between you and your teen, and ultimately can lead to their all-out rebellion.

I’ll give you more links in the show notes and YouTube episode description for my episodes on this topic specifically – you can’t go any further until you get this part locked in.

Getting your emotions in check is a prerequisite to everything else and as the authors point out, understanding their ambivalence about changing their behavior around substances, will, help you regulate your emotions so you can respond the way you need to (which I’ll talk about in a minute).

What is ambivalence? We’ve all experienced it – for example, if you’ve wanted to lose weight by eating less junk food…you’ve experienced ambivalence.

You want to do it (because you know you’ll feel better in the end) but you also dread giving up something that brings you so much pleasure, or helps you pass the time or feel less anxious…whatever your WHY is.

But at the same time, you know full well that you need to give it up for your health, to feel better, to have more energy, to live longer…but damn that McDonalds shake is calling your name…how do you make yourself do this?

That push and pull is ambivalence.

Ambivalence is simply wanting to do two opposite things at one time…and having pretty good reasons for going either way. We’ve all felt this way about something – it’s simply human nature.

Of course, as a parent, it’s hard to see both directions from your teen’s point of view – but you have to try.

When your kid proclaims all that is wonderful about smoking weed (despite getting in trouble with it over and over again) you have to try and put yourself in their shoes and understand their ambivalence (rather than thinking, “how on earth could they possibly see anything good in this when they’ve been suspended from school, have a DWI, and have had their car taken away from them?!”)

Yes, to you it seems clear – this stuff is ruining their life.

But when you focus so much on their argument for not changing their behavior (the authors call this “red light talk”) you’ll miss the other side of their ambivalence (when they drop hints that they know it’s bad and want to stop or slow down) – that’s the “green light talk”.

You have to look for those subtle signs that they’d like to change – the green light to their red.

Deep down they DO see the benefits of changing – they just ALSO see the downside – they don’t want to give up those benefits (just like you may not want to give up carbs, sugar, processed foods, caffeine, nicotine, wine, beer, social media...

Think about how hard it would be for you to change your relationship with the one thing that you know you probably should.

Your teen feels the same way.

That’s where your kid is.

It’s totally normal, it’s reasonable, and to be expected.

And you can’t argue with ambivalence. The more you focus on the red light talk and argue with them about stopping, the less likely they are to even think about their need to change…the more they’ll defend their reasons for using (even if they CAN see the potential benefit in stopping).

So, if you argue with them every time you hear that red light talk like, “smoking weed helps me relax”, the more they’ll defend it and dig in their heels and the less likely they are to focus on the UPSIDE of quitting…

It’s the same old spiral I’ve talked about before…you try to control, they feel their autonomy threatened and do the opposite of what they know you want, you see worse behavior, so you panic and control even more, and they end up rebelling, and the spiral continues.

So, understanding their ambivalence will help you keep your emotions in check.

Now, when you’re more emotionally regulated you can then communicate and engage with them in ways that will gently guide their behavior in a more positive direction.

For example, the authors are huge proponents of motivational interviewing, which is a scientifically backed method of communicating that helps people decide to change. It’s a way of listening to someone that can help them change their red lights to green lights.

Here’s how you do it.

First, be sure to use open-ended questions when you discuss the issue with them. This helps you learn more from your teen. It’s a way of showing your curiosity and showing them that you’re trying to understand and be more collaborative. This is critical in keeping the peace because it supports their autonomy.

What’s an open-ended question? It’s one that can’t be answered with one word. For example, “How did you feel when Jake said that to you?”. Now a closed (aka leading question) could be something like, “Are you angry with Jake for saying that to you?”

The first invites them to share their feelings and give you some context, the second only requires a yes or no answer.

Motivational interviewing also requires listening so you can affirm or call out the positives—things that are going right or well.

Affirmations like this can change everything by reducing the negativity and defensiveness—it builds goodwill with them in the moment so when you have to discuss the things that aren’t going so well later, you have a cushion—a deeper connection.

So always highlight their strengths, acknowledge what they’re doing well – deepening your connection increases your influence with them. It’s like I say all the time – your positive interactions must outweigh your negative. They need to hear more than scolding, nagging, lecturing, reminding and questioning.

Tell them you appreciate the effort they’ve put in on even the smallest issue, catch them doing something right and acknowledge it, give them a compliment, show that you care about them – even tiny things matter (acknowledge their effort in getting up on time, getting home on time, thank them for putting their dishes away or hanging their wet towel up, tell them to have a good time when they leave, compliment their behavior or appearance…whatever you can). Your effort will not go unnoticed.

Motivational interviewing also emphasizes reflections or active listening, which means after listening you restate what the person’s said and include the feelings or emotions behind their words.

For example, I see. So, you ate a gummy after Jake made fun of you making honor roll and being on the debate team instead of playing football this year. You must have felt embarrassed and even a little defensive when he said that, huh?

And last you summarize the conversation, helping connect the dots with the other person, without any embellishment.

Another communication tactic the authors emphasize is being careful to offer information to your teen rather than giving them advice. Again, this is something I stress as well. Giving teens advice, threatens their autonomy.

So, you’re going to ask your teen permission to give them some information. This way they don’t feel dictated to or talked down to.

“Can I offer you something to consider?” “Would it be helpful if I tell you about what I’ve learned about marijuana and the teenage brain?” Would it be okay if I told you my concern about your plan to only smoke on the weekends?

Now this doesn’t come naturally for most of us. We’ve got years of life experience and when we see mistakes happening, our inclination is to jump right in and tell them how to fix it.

But how has that worked for you so far?

This way, you’re giving your teen a chance to opt in and actually listen to you rather than tune you out (like they do when you give unsolicited advice!)

Now what if they say no, they don’t want to hear it? You need to honor that for now and try again later after you’ve worked more on your connection with them.

But if they agree, then you have to remember that you are only offering information as a team member, a collaborator, not as a controlling parent stuffing it down their throat.

After you give the information, simply check in to see how they received the information. This could be one line like, “Does that make sense to you?” or even a follow-up like “Let me put that a little more clearly”.

If you manage things this way, you’ll give them space for a lot more green light talk.

The authors also emphasize validating or acknowledging your teen’s emotions and experiences without qualification – without saying something like “but you shouldn’t feel that way” or “but I want you to stop”.

Again, I talk about validating your teen’s emotions all the time – it’s part of emotion coaching. “I can see you have some anxiety about potentially losing some friends if you stop drinking.”

You’re not saying, “yep, drinking is great, keep it up”. You’re just letting them know that you get it—you see them and understand how they feel—that you know they’re just human and that this is hard and that they have complicated feelings just like everyone else.

The authors also tell us how important it is to empathize with your teen…to let them know you’re able to see things from their point of view. “I can see why you’d be anxious about that.”

Now all of that is what the authors call “communicating with LOVE” the L stands for Listen, the O for Offering information, the V for validating their feelings, and the E for empathizing.

If you do this, you will have a much better chance of them actually wanting to do what you want them to do because this is how you stay connected, which means you can remain influential with them.

Now, the CRAFT method includes another few elements of positive communication (some of which overlap with communicating with LOVE) These are pretty easy to remember because they just make sense.

1 Be brief – Anything more than a few sentences to an adolescent is a lecture. They even suggest scripting and rehearsing to keep it concise and to the point.

2 Be specific – for example don’t make vague requests like, “be more responsible” – tell them exactly what you mean – it needs to be measurable, observable, and reinforceable. So, “be more responsible” becomes, “I need you to call me when you get to Sam’s house so I can check in with his mom about the party tonight.”

3 Be positive when talking about their behavior – This just means describing the behavior you WANT to see rather than the behavior you DON’T want to see. Describe things in the positive. This will help with defensiveness. So instead of “stop staying over at Luther’s after curfew” say, “Please be sure and leave Luther’s in time to get home by curfew”.

4 Label your feelings – describe YOUR emotions regarding the issue you’re discussing in a non-accusatory manner. I’ll add that the best way to do this is with “I statements” – “I feel really frustrated when you come home so late”, rather than “you frustrate the heck out of me by missing curfew every time.” Remember that you cause your own emotions by the way you interpret what’s going on around you – no one else causes your feelings.

5 Offer an understanding statement – similar to validating and empathizing, say something that lets them know you get it, “I know how much you want to be with your friends right now – I get that it’s annoying to have to leave to come home”.

6 Take partial responsibility – this is a biggie and one some people may have a problem with. But as they point out, sharing even just a fraction of the responsibility for an issue does help decrease defensiveness and promote collaboration. For example, “ I know I can jump to conclusions…”, “I can be a bit of an overreactor…”, “I forget to tell you sometimes…”.

7 Offer to help – When they have an issue, you can simply ask them, “how can I help?”

The authors also discuss avoiding conversational traps – it’s very good to watch out for the following

1 Giving them too much information (keep it simple and always ask first)

2 Lecturing – we all do it…just stop it. It just makes things worse.

3 Don’t label them – As the authors say, “labels aren’t necessary for change”. Your child may have a substance use issue or disorder, but calling them an addict or something similar, isn’t helpful and will just cause animosity.

4 Don’t blame them – They didn’t get here on purpose (go back and listen to the episodes on the brain in my Fundamentals of Parenting Teens series on YouTube and in episodes 234 -236. Blaming threatens their autonomy and causes conflict and major disconnection.

5 Don’t take “the other side” – your teen needs to always feel that you’re on their side – that “we’re in this together”

6 Don’t interrogate with leading questions – Instead, as I said earlier, ask questions that help keep the conversation going in a productive manner.

These are the kinds of things you learn in Parent Camp. What you learn in the course and in our community applies to all teens and young adults, no matter the issue. You’ll have a strong foundation for leaving the conflict behind and seeing better behavior from your teen.

If you’re interested in seeing what it’s all about, you can check the link in the episode description and if you have questions, my email address is right there as well.

Now, here’s what I want you to leave with today:

You can’t force or coerce your teen to stop using substances. You have to employ the basically the same tactics that you should be using to parent them already. You have to strengthen your connection with them by supporting their autonomy so they’ll want to do what you want them to do.

Remind yourself that this isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon and it takes lots of patience,  practice, and self-care.

• You have to remember that their behavior makes sense to them and be empathetic about that
• Stop arguing with their ambivalence – that they both want to stop and want to keep doing it
• Manage your own emotions about this so you can respond to them in a way that will actually help them develop the internal motivation to stop
• Communicate with love (to listen reflectively, offer information, validate their experience and empathize with them)
• Use positive communication techniques (be brief, specific, positive, label your feelings, offer an understanding statement, take partial responsibility, and offer to help)

And be sure to avoid those conversational traps like giving too much information, lecturing, labeling, blaming, taking sides, and asking closed questions.

I know – as I said, this is hard. But it’s worth all the time you invest in learning and practicing. What you’re doing right now is likely only making things more difficult for everyone and certainly not moving them in the right direction. It’s time to try something else.

Set aside your old way of thinking and give it a shot. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

And if you want support with that, remember to check out Parent Camp in the episode description. I’d love to have you. In Parent Camp you get my signature course, The Field Guide to Teens, twice monthly Live Calls, Monthly challenges, and a forum in which you can meet and discuss issues with me and other parents in similar circumstances.

One recent graduate says this:

I found the SOT podcast when I was desperate and looking for help after we had punished ourselves into a corner with my teenage son. Nothing was working.  I was hooked immediately and couldn't get enough as it was so relevant to my situation at the time.

I was on the fence about joining the camp as I wasn't sure I really needed that in addition to the podcasts and thought, 'how much more information could there really be since the podcast was so amazing?'

I took a chance, and I think it may be one of the best investments I've ever made in helping my relationship with not only my teens but with others.

…………..

Alright, that’s it for today. Please subscribe or follow for more on how to improve your teen’s behavior by decreasing conflict and strengthening your relationship with them.

I’ll see you soon!