What to do when you find out your kid’s drinking or smoking weed or vaping? What do you say? Do you give them consequences? Where do you go from here?

If you’re new here, I’m Ann Coleman, an attorney turned parent educator, and I made many mistakes with my teenage son before turning things around. In this podcast, I teach you science backed strategies that will improve your teen’s behavior…

And today I’m going to give you a step-by-step guide on what to do when or if you discover your teen is using substances.

 

But first I want to tell you that if your child is using substances, it’s certainly not your fault. And beating yourself up over it or even being angry at them is only going to make matters worse.

You’re not the first or only parent to have gone through this and your kid is not doing drinking, smoking, or whatever…to spite you. This isn’t about you at all. In their mind they have a legitimate reason for using whatever it is they’re using.

So, take a deep breath and be compassionate with yourself – this is hard but you can get through it once you understand how to tackle this like the loving parent you are.

Before I get into the conversation you’re going to have with your child, I’m going to assume you understand how their brain’s reward system and prefrontal cortex interact to make risky behaviors like substance use more likely during adolescence. You can listen to or watch last week’s episode #245 (Why Teens Are Prone to Using Substances And What To Do About It) if you don’t. And I did a full series on substance use back in audio episodes 175 through 184 – I’ll put links in the description and show notes.

So, at this point, I’ll assume you’ve seen some of the warning signs, or that you’ve actually found physical evidence of your teen’s use. What you do next can make all the difference in the world. If you overreact, punish, lecture, yell…you’re either going to see their use continue (or it will continue and they’ll just get better at hiding it from you).

You want to have a calm conversation – one that will keep your connection in tact and yield the information you need to know so you can help them.

Let’s review some guidelines for this conversation.

1. Even if you’ve found some sort of physical evidence, please don’t make this a confrontation.

 

When I first discovered my son was using weed, I gathered up all the paraphilia he and his friends had hidden in the woods down the street and displayed it all over the dining room table for him to see when he walked in the door. I guess I wanted to stun him into submission. Then I proceeded to grill and lecture for the next half hour. And for the next year or so, I didn’t see any signs of his use…because he did a MUCH better job of hiding it from me. I forced him to become deceitful and lie to me because of the threats and warnings I gave him.

 

This is not about confrontation or catching them in the act or showing them, you know they’re lying. This is about your kid’s safety, their mental health and your connection with them. You have to look beyond the outward behavior – that’s just a symptom of what’s going on underneath. We’ll get to that in a minute.

 

2. Don’t try to talk to your teen about their substance use when they’re obviously under the influence. If they come home drunk or high, simply make sure they get to bed safely and save any conversation until the next day or evening when they are sober.

 

3. Along the same lines, don’t try to have a conversation with them about it when YOU’re upset or angry (like right after you’ve discovered something). Give yourself time to calm down, talk to your spouse or coparent, think about how you’re going to approach them, and present a united front if at all possible.

 

Remember, this conversation is about the love you have for your child, the fact that you want them to have a great life, you want them to stay safe – anger is just your outward emotion – underneath, you’re likely afraid for them. That’s okay, but just don’t let either of these emotions take over your brain. You’re doing this out of love.

 

4. Understand that their behavior is not a sign of weakness, a character flaw, or a sign of immorality, nor does it mean they’re necessarily headed down “the wrong path”. Go back to the last episode and remind yourself of the brain science. Withhold judgment because this type of thinking will impact the way you feel and the way you treat them and if they feel judged, your conversation will go nowhere.

 

5. Tell yourself that every kid who tries a substance does not develop a substance use disorder. It’s true that it’s much easier in adolescence for this to happen, but it’s not a given – even with one or more risk factors. So, calm your nerves with this information and don’t let fear take over. Stay in the present moment with your child – don’t compare them to their siblings, the kid down the street or the news story you saw last week. Deal with them alone, right here and right now.

 

Now, let’s talk about the actual conversation.

One of the primary goals here is to figure out what they’re getting out of using the substance – why did they try it or why are they using it.

As I said in the last episode, their behavior makes sense to them, they’re getting something out of using the substance – and that’s critical for you to understand.

Do they feel it helps alleviate their anxiety, their boredom or stress? Does it help them feel more empowered, less inhibited, more grown up? Do they feel more accepted or more part of the group? Or do they simply enjoy the way it makes them feel – they think it’s fun?

If you know the why, you can work with them to possibly fill that need in a different way.

If they do it because of anxiety, get them mental health support. If they do it to be accepted, help them find additional friend groups (maybe through a religious organization, a hobby, or extracurricular activity).

If they do it because of school stress, help them figure out how they can lessen that stress. You’re looking for a more constructive substitute for the substance that makes sense to them and may even replace the reward they’re getting from it.

Understanding why they’re using – that there’s a really good reason for their behavior - can also help you feel less fear or anger and empower you to actually help them rather than just wanting to punish them for it. And it can help you take their actions less personally. One of the places our brain often goes is “how can they do this to me…to the family? Or how can they be so irresponsible or gross?” But their use isn’t about any of that.

Another goal of this conversation is to try your best to talk to them in a way that makes them feel less like they’re “in the hot seat”. You don’t want to immediately put them on the defensive.

If you can take a drive or go for a walk or do something together it will feel less confrontational to them (and therefore they will be less likely to react in anger). Don’t plan on a “sit down” talk in the living room, face to face (with notes) – casual and side by side is best – they’ll be more at ease and more likely to open up.

Remember that the adolescent brain misinterprets many things as threats (and sends them into fight or flight mode) – so be careful in your approach if you want to have any meaningful engagement.

When you’re somewhere that feels less threatening you can start the conversation. And before you open your mouth, tell yourself to use the same tone and words you’d use with a good friend.

Talking down to them, raising your voice, using sarcasm, crossing your arms…you wouldn’t do that with a friend so don’t do it with your kid. You’ll trigger their amygdala and cause them to erupt in anger and there will be no conversation.

Start off by telling them what you’ve noticed about their behavior, followed by something like, “What’s up”? or “What happened?”.

For example, “I noticed you were really unsteady on your feet last night and I smelled alcohol on your breath. What happened?”

Or, “I found a vape pen in your pants pocket when I was doing the laundry, what’s up?”

Then you wait (with an empathetic look on your face) for them to say something. Don’t jump in and start with the lecture or remind them how they promised not to do this. Give them time to think and to absorb the fact that you’re not yelling at them about it.

Of course, you may not get anything but a shoulder shrug or an “I dunno”. Most teens aren’t very emotionally intelligent and aren’t going to launch into a long-winded conversation about their feelings.

But one thing that can certainly help them open up about this is to grant them immunity.

Punishing them or doling out “logical” consequences will only cause disconnection and animosity between you two and will not make them want to tell you anything at all. And that’s your goal – to get them to talk so you can understand how to help.

Think about it this way: What’s happened has already happened and you can’t undo it. You can however, help them to realize that they can trust you, can tell you the truth without fear of “getting in trouble”. If you want things to change, this is what you need to communicate to them – safety, trust, respect.

Of course, you can talk about the possibility of logical consequences if it happens again. But the main reason teens don’t confide in their parents, don’t ask for help or ask for advice or confess, is because they don’t want to get in trouble, they don’t want the same tired old lecture, they don’t want to be judged or shamed or made to feel like they’re demon possessed. They don’t want their phone taken away or to lose all privileges for a month.

So, at least this first time or if you need to start all over with them…the NEXT time…be very clear with them – “I just want the truth – I am not going to be angry, judge you, punish you, or love you any less – I love you no matter what. But we have to at least talk about this, okay? So, what happened?”

Now, if your teen does start to talk and open up, you must listen carefully – give them 1000% of your attention. Do nothing else. And resist every temptation to jump in and correct what they’ve said or argue or defend yourself (if they manage to do what teens do and make this your fault somehow).

Make sure they understand you’re listening. Nod, say a word here and there – “really?” “Wow”, “tell me more”. If you need to ask questions to clarify some key fact, you can do that, but this isn’t 20-questions…you don’t need to know every detail about who was there, where they got it, how they snuck it into the house, etc.

Remember one of you main goals is to try and figure out why they feel the need to use this substance so you can ask questions to help elicit that information.

For example, if they drank at a party, you might ask something like, “were there any kids there not drinking? Do you remember what were you thinking about or feeling when you decided to drink?”

Or if you found a thc vape in their room, “do you use the vape by yourself or with people?” “what does it make you feel like?”

These are questions that don’t put them on the defensive – they don’t sound judgmental, they sound curious.

When they finish talking, try to summarize or interpret what they’ve said to you so they know you listened and understood – then ask something like, “do I have that right?”

And acknowledge how they felt at the time and how they feel now, “I can see why you felt embarrassed – it’s hard when you feel like you’re the odd man out” or “I totally get how frustrating and anxiety provoking it to be unable to sleep at night.”

You can put your hand on their shoulder or give them a hug or touch them on the hand – any sort of loving touch can go a long way. It helps them calm down if they get upset and shows them you care about their feelings and that you meant it when you said you love them and aren’t going to be angry.

But you also need to explain that it’s your JOB to make sure they’re safe and healthy which means you have some concerns about them vaping or using weed, drinking, or whatever it is.

And this is where you need to have some facts and understand a bit about these substances and the issues they cause for adolescents. I’ll link to some other episodes and resources in the description and show notes.

But remember, don’t turn this into a lecture – keep it to just a couple of minutes at the most. You can mention any risk factors they personally have for substance use or a disorder, including genetic factors. Explain how the adolescent brain can grab onto a substance and turn it into a disorder really quickly even without a genetic predisposition, and will change the function and structure of the brain and make it more likely they will become addicted in adulthood.

Also be sure to reiterate your expectation that they will not use this or any other substance.

Research shows that teens with parents who let their feelings known about substance use and have firm rules about it, are less likely to use substances. Let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you don’t approve, you can’t allow it, and determine (with them if at all possible) what the logical consequences will be if they do it again.

Again, we’re assuming this is your first or one of the first conversations you’ve had with them. If they’ve just started something, you’ll want to take this hard stance, let them know that you understand they may be around it and may be tempted to use it, but your goal is to keep them healthy and safe and that you have to draw a line in the sand – no use at all.

Discuss the WHY that you’ve uncovered by now. Help them figure out what to do instead of using the substance.

If they smoke weed at night to sleep, discuss getting a therapist or going to a sleep clinic or talking to their pediatrician.

If they use because all their friends do and they’re embarrassed not to, help them come up with ways to get around using, like a code where they can text you and you’ll come pick them up if everyone’s drinking. I talk about refusal skills like this in episode 114 about vaping – the same stuff applies here. I’ll put it in the description.

Also, it’s also important to let them know that you want to keep talking about this. That you understand there are going to be difficult situations for them in the future or that they may be tempted to do it again. But make sure they know that you want to help them figure things out, that you’re always there for them, that you don’t want them to be afraid of you if they make a mistake – that your goal is never going to be to punish them, but to help them stay safe and healthy and live up to their own values and expectations for themselves.

It’s a fine line to walk when you’re saying, “don’t do it or there will be consequences” but “hey if you do, I want you to know my goal is safety, not punishment, and you can talk to me about it.”

This is why I lean more towards talk and connection and working on solutions over issuing consequences. Sometimes it MAY be necessary to do so (but always discuss it up front and try to agree in advance as to what those consequences will be).

But if you can avoid consequences and work together on mutually agreeable solutions, it will likely work out so much better in the end because you’ll remain connected and in the loop and there for them when they really do need your help.

If you go the purely “do what I say or else” route, you’re going to be embroiled in power struggles and rebellion for the next several years…and you will not be able to keep them safe or healthy.

Now, if your child has already developed a habit of using substances, and you’ve been punishing, your communication has likely eroded to nothing but arguments.

At this point, you have to work on reconnecting and letting them see that you love them despite what they’re doing and despite your disapproval and despite the animosity between you. I know how hard that can be when you’re worried, anxious, angry and frustrated. But so far those feelings haven’t helped have they? And neither has your punishment. They’ve continued to do what they want to do.

You’re only option now is to try and reign in your feelings, stop with all the punishment, stop dwelling on what they’re doing and try to remember that they’re not doing this TO you. Slow down and remember that they need your help and the only way you can get close enough to help is to stop being the enemy and start being their loving parent again.

Your conversations about the issue, will still focus on your concerns about the harms of substance use, and your desire to keep them safe and NOT to use substances.

But at the same time, you need to invite them to talk about their WHY with you, and ask if they’re open to suggestions, while also making sure you’re communicating openly about harm reduction (like not driving under the influence, reminding them not to keep weed in their school backpack, to call you when they need to be picked up if they’re under the influence, etc.)

Two things can be true at once – you can be opposed to their use, but you can still try and keep them safe if they’re going to use anyway. Making them afraid to talk to you about it or tell you the truth, will defeat the purpose.

You can also have hard and fast boundaries regarding their substance use. If they’re using despite your best efforts, you can certainly forbid them to have substances in your home. You can let them know that you will not be talking to them if they’re high, drunk or smell of cigarette smoke.

You can refuse to give them money if you think it’s going to buy substances. You can refuse to let them drive the car if they’ve driven high.

But you have to keep it civil, you have to show that you care and that your entire relationship is not defined by their substance use.

And if this is your initial conversation with them about their substance use, just know that it’s not the end of life as you know it. Do not let this take you down. Your child is still your child – they’ve made a mistake and they may make it again, but you can’t alienate yourself from them if you want to help them make better choices in the future.

Stay close. Show them your love and understanding despite their mistakes. This doesn’t define them and it shouldn’t define your relationship with them. Stay calm and empathetic and you can get through this without making things worse.

Once you understand the basics that I teach in Parent Camp, you can handle challenges like this so much better. I teach you how to maintain this connection so you can be there when they’re ready to talk and listen. If you want to check it out the link’s in the description. And if you’d like to download all my free parenting guides you can find that link there as well.

Alright, that’s it for today, I certainly hope you got something out of today’s episode. And if you haven’t already, you should check out my fundamentals of parenting teens series, right here (for those of you listening, the link is in the show notes).

I hope to see you again next time. Thanks for being here.