Stop Overparenting—You’re Sabotaging Your Teen’s Future

Have you heard the term snowplow parent…maybe bulldozer…I’m SURE you’ve heard of the helicopter parent. They’re all referring to the same thing – OVER parenting.

Of course, that doesn’t describe me or you…we’ve seen THOSE parents at ball games, on the playground, at the school. But overparenting isn’t always so obvious and it can really damage our kids’ future. So, stay with me here because you may not realize you’re overparenting…I’ll explain what it looks like, what it does to our teenagers and how to reverse course.

If you’re new here, I’m Ann Coleman, an attorney turned parent educator, and I made many mistakes with my teenage son before turning things around. In this podcast, I teach you science backed strategies that will improve your teen’s behavior.

Today I'm going to challenge you to take an honest look at your own parenting habits and understand a simple truth: we can’t shield our kids from pain, from hurting other people, from losing, from royally screwing up…it's impossible. We can't live their lives for them or dictate their every move.

What is helicopter parenting or overparenting (I’ll use these terms interchangeably). It’s a trap of over-involvement that any parent can fall into without even realizing it. As scholars put it, it’s “parental concern taken to a dysfunctional level…actions that take the responsibility and demands away from the child and place it on the parents.”

So, if you're determined to make sure your teen doesn’t fail at any aspect of their life -- brace yourself for massive disappointment and heartache because a) it’s just not going to happen and b) you’ll destroy your relationship with them which is literally the only leverage you have – the only way to actually influence who they become, and c) you'll completely undermine their psychological wellbeing, which could just mean that they’ll be more dependent on you in the future than you intend them to be…the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.

Let me tell you what overparenting can look like:

• Giving your teen too much help, direction, advice, protection, monitoring, or management relative to their age and developmental capabilities…in other words, doing too much for them, telling them what to do, hovering over them, constantly correcting them to make sure they do it perfectly or the way you want or keeping them from doing things they should be allowed to do…

 

• Overparenting can be jumping in to resolve a problem for them or to prevent a problem, or fix a mistake for them instead of allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions or inaction

 

• Overparenting actually includes any form of "help" that effectively stops a kid from making their own choices, working through their own problems, and figuring stuff out the best they can -- it strips away their autonomy, self-reliance…even their self-confidence…and it eliminates their opportunity to learn through experimentation and failure -- through their own missteps and mistakes.

So, could you be a helicopter parent? The whole idea can get pretty murky. After all, we're constantly told that being an engaged, supportive parent is a good thing. So, where exactly is the boundary between involved and overinvolved?

How do you recognize if you're crushing your teen's autonomy and basically all up in their space way too much? Well, here's one clear indicator that’s hard to miss -- you're going to find yourself in endless power struggles with your kid.

Their autonomy is one of the most important things to them right now and helicoptering take that away from them, which means they will push back, HARD and there will be tons of conflict.

Let’s look at what causes this affliction in us and then we’ll talk about how to course correct.

One of the main reasons we tend to helicopter is our own anxiety or fear. We simply can’t tolerate our own discomfort or worry about our kid. That was certainly my issue.

We stress about their future, worry that they'll mess up so bad they won’t recover, or that they’ll never reach their “potential” - unless we stay on top of them. Or we worry they'll be hurt or disappointed or uncomfortable if we don't intervene.

We may want them to be exceptional or have exceptional opportunities or we don't want them to turn out a certain way or engage in certain behaviors so we hover and control…all of which actually ends up pushing them further away from the future we envisioned for them or towards that negative behavior.

Another reason we helicopter is simply because we either crave control or are convinced it’s the best way to parent – which still really goes back to our own fear and anxiety, really. If you lean more towards the authoritarian style of parenting, you’re inherently more controlling – more focused on obedience...probably because you’re afraid not to be. You want your kid to do exactly as you say -- no questions, no negotiation, no acknowledgment of their need for independence, zero respect for their perspectives. It's essentially a dictatorship, which again, means no room for their autonomy and it damages a child's emotional and psychological wellbeing.

There’s also the combination of parental regret combined with the principle of diminishing opportunity that causes us to overparent. Basically, this means that as our kids mature, we watch our window for direct control over their lives shrinking. We observe them individuating from us and developing into their own person and we start to freak out a bit. We begin worrying that we haven't performed well enough as a parent and we recognize we only have a limited time remaining, and then they'll be out on their own, and we start to panic that we need to compensate for all this lost time of inadequate parenting...so we shift into helicopter mode. We start inserting ourselves excessively into their lives, start making all the decisions and taking full responsibility for their mistakes...so we don't want them making those mistakes.

A different type of parental regret can surface here too -- the kind that drives us to want our kid to achieve what we didn't -- we weren't the athlete we aspired to be, or we didn't earn the grades or gain admission to the college we wish we had...and so we attempt to live through our kid...and ensure they accomplish what we couldn't.

Perfectionism is yet another reason we overparent -- maybe we maintain extremely high standards for ourselves and for our kids. We may believe our kids' achievements or failures directly reflect on us...so we want that reflection to be flawless. Their success becomes proof of our own success as a parent. And naturally, if they fail, we've failed. Think about it – the embarrassment you feel if your child does publicly makes a big mistake. It can feel horrible and it can cause us to react by trying to make sure it never happens again!

Of course, the pressure of existing in such a competitive environment can play a similar role -- particularly in certain communities where these high-performing, academically challenging schools create major competition among kids…and parents alike.

Then there's peer pressure from other parents. If you look around and see other parents or one really good friend, hovering, fixing, directing, advising or demanding, you may feel inclined to do the same if you aren’t completely confident in your parenting skills.

There's also a cultural element to overparenting. For instance, research shows that Eastern Cultures emphasize interdependence in child-rearing while Western Cultures lean toward independence. Parenting in certain cultures looks very authoritarian compared to others. So, frequently our overparenting stems from our cultural background…the culture in which we’re raised.

And time management can be another reason we helicopter. Results from at least one national survey about children's health showed that even though 97% of parents said they were trying to raise their teens to be independent, at least 25% of them said they struggled to actually do it because of time-management challenges...it’s usually just faster to do things themselves rather than teaching, guiding, or arguing about it.

The bottom line is, no matter the underlying reason we snowplow, bulldoze or helicopter…it has a negative impact on our kids.

Research shows that the effects of overparenting kids and teens can show up as psychological issues like anxiety or depression while they're still in middle or high school. But the majority of research has focused on college-age young adults; when overparented kids move away from home, head off to college and try to function independently. And the results from this research make it abundantly clear that overparenting seriously disadvantages our kids.

Of course, you’ve probably never considered that the amount of control you maintain over your teenager right now, will shape their independence and mental health as they transition into young adulthood? But it certainly does. The amount of autonomy you grant your teen, has been scientifically connected to their level of self-sufficiency, and capacity to manage life as an emerging adult, later on.

Here's what research tells us will happen to your teen if you are way too far up in their grill:

They'll struggle with making decisions on their own. They won't even recognize that they're actually capable of deciding for themselves if they've never been permitted to. They absolutely must have every chance while living with you, to make their own choices and develop the ability to evaluate consequences on their own. This inability to make decisions then interferes with their capacity to establish goals for themselves -- they've had zero practice. They'll rely on you or others to help them make all their choices…they’ll feel powerless, lack confidence and their overall wellbeing tanks.

They'll likely develop a low sense of self-worth and struggle to accept constructive feedback or criticism, which means they can't learn and develop -- they may actively avoid situations where this might occur so they wind up not challenging themselves to explore new activities or take on tougher courses or pursue better jobs.

When you keep your teen from growing through their mistakes or managing setbacks in life, they may find it incredibly difficult to adjust to new situations and handle stress. This manifests as a fear of failure, reluctance to leave their comfort zone, anxiety about new experiences and unfamiliar situations -- it's called psychological inflexibility.

And because they've lacked sufficient experience making their own choices, making mistakes and bouncing back from them, they may genuinely struggle with critical thinking and problem solving because they find it hard to consider things from multiple perspectives.

These kids feel completely overwhelmed. They're petrified of failing. They become anxious wrecks. Their academic performance suffers because they lack intrinsic motivation to excel if they've always been driven by the extrinsic motivation of parental consequences. And when they do earn a poor grade or make any mistake, they experience themselves as complete failures -- they're brutally self-critical. They can't manage. They struggle with peer relationships. They have weak emotional regulation. They battle with low self-esteem; they feel utterly incapable of managing things independently.

They don't trust their own judgment to make routine decisions. They remain emotionally dependent on their parents. They're vulnerable to separation anxiety, experiencing intense homesickness.... And many struggle with social anxiety, preventing them from engaging in typical college activities. On top of everything else there's increased depression and substance abuse among young adults who had helicopter parents.

Consider how this plays out in their future life. Heading off to college, starting a career, renting an apartment, navigating relationships, progressing through life. If they've been constantly directed on what to do, what not to do, where to be and when, what to think, how to feel, how hard to work, when to work...they'll believe themselves incapable of handling these things when you're not there micromanaging them.

Consider this: Somewhere around 25% of college students drop out within their first year. They're unable to cope. They're completely lost. They can't handle not being the top performer, the smartest one, or not having someone constantly on them making sure they’re doing what they’re supposed to do.

And it also seems - based on several studies - that daughters may experience worse outcomes from overparenting than sons. They appear to develop more significant anxiety and depression issues. Essentially, it appears that helicopter parents exercise more control with daughters and give them less autonomy than their sons. Then when these girls transition into adulthood, they’re more likely to develop depression symptoms and are more prone to narcissism and feelings of entitlement.

We are crippling our kids by being too involved, too on top of them, and not allowing them to be autonomous and independent in the areas where they’re capable of being. They’re handicapped by having too much handled for them, not being allowed to make their own choices, manage their own problems or grow from their mistakes. They simply never develop the skills required to function on their own later as an adult.

So, how do we stop all this overparenting? If the goal is to raise a fully capable, emotionally healthy adult then we have to let them practice. No one can master anything without practice and that includes adulting. I'm talking about stepping back and releasing some of that control so your teen can experience what it's like to live life in all its complicated, messy reality. It's the only way to give them the confidence they need to live a rich and fulfilling life (and to make sure they’re not still living in your basement at 35).

We should be supporting them in a way that helps them develop problem-solving and decision-making capabilities, honoring their autonomy and encouraging their independence.

We all have positive intentions for our kids to grow up happy, healthy, and of course, successful. But if we overstep, we create the exact opposite outcome for them. So, we have to do some serious self-reflection to make sure that doesn’t happen. We need to dig deep and objectively examine our thoughts, and our feelings about parenting and change the way we’re doing things.

But where to begin? First of all you should consider subscribing to this channel because everything I talk about and teach will help you balance your parenting approach.

And you can start by evaluating your parenting style -- if you've been more focused on obedience and outward behavior and performance, it’s time to shift to a more emotion-centered approach. All the research tells us that a kind but firm parenting style, one that focuses on what’s going on emotionally for our kids, is best for them. You can have rules and hold firm boundaries while also being compassionate, empathetic, focused on mutual respect and your teen’s autonomy. Because if you stick with authoritarianism, you will create more problems that you can manage. Ask yourself, if you lean more towards the obedience-focused style of parenting, why that is? Is it because you were raised that way? Is it because you simply want to be in control? Is it because you’re afraid of what will happen if you loosen up? Examine your thinking here and ask yourself if what you think, could actually be wrong. Be willing to self-correct. We talk about this a lot in Parent Camp – which will launch again soon. You can also check out my fundamentals of parenting teens series, which I link to in the description – it’s a great framework for changing to a more balanced parenting style.

You should also focus on your own emotional awareness and regulation. Since fear and anxiety drive a lot of our overparenting patterns, we have to recognize when this is happening. Our fearful and worried thoughts drive these feelings, which make us want to fix and advise and control and drive the bus for our kids. Pay attention to these feelings, notice what you’re thinking when they pop up, ask yourself if you can look at the situation in a different way. You have to slow down long enough to recognize what’s happening inside of you that causes your behavior. Then you can better manage it. I’ll link to several episodes in the description that will help with this piece of the puzzle, along with a free parenting guide.

Something else – and this does also have to do with how your thoughts and feelings but it’s worth noting separately…stop predicting your teen’s future. Looking at the kid you have right now and deciding something about their character like that they’re "disorganized", "unmotivated", or “uncaring”, is a sure fire way to induce anxiety and fear which will cause you to overparent. Realize that your teen is not going to be the way they are right now…forever. Are you the same person you were at 14, 16 or even 25? When you label them this way you’re setting yourself up for confirmation bias and lots of autonomy threatening parenting. You’ll try to fix them or have someone else fix them and you’ll achieve nothing but making them miserable and causing lots of conflict and all those other negative outcomes I’ve mentioned. Just go back and listen or watch those episodes about the adolescent brain in the fundamentals series and remind yourself that their behavior is developmentally appropriate and learn how to respond to them properly.

Similarly, stop trying to determine their future for them. Whether this is out of fear or your need to fulfill some dream you have for them or a dream that you never fulfilled for yourself, it will end in disaster at some point. It may be many years from now but at some point your child will realize they aren’t living a life they’ve chosen but one you chose for them – and it won’t be pretty. There are countless professionals out there who suddenly realize in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s that they’ve been living their life to please their parents. It’s sad really. No one should ever feel pressured to build a life that pleases anyone other than themselves. If you want your kid to be a happy adult, help them realize this. Help them discover what they’re passionate about, what gets them excited, what they may be interested in doing in the future. Expose them to as many different places and people and experiences as possible so they’ll know all the possibilities. Let them choose. Allow them to decide what success looks like for themselves. Remember that success doesn’t necessarily equate to money, a big house, a nice car. Success is in the eye of the beholder – your teen. I was just interviewed on a podcast last week and was asked if I felt successful in what I do. And although I make nowhere near the money I made as a practicing attorney, my answer was a resounding yes…because I have parents tell me all the time what a difference I’ve made in their life and their teen’s life. That’s MY success. Please accept that your teen may not have the same goals in life that you’ve had or that you want for them. That needs to be okay. You can instill values, teach skills, provide guidelines to live by, support them, love them, and hope for positive outcomes...but you can't force them to become someone they're not meant to be or don't choose to be.

Similarly, learn to accept that your child is not an extension of you. Just because your birthed them or raised them doesn’t mean they’re going to have the same exact worldview, mindsets, opinions, preferences, interests, or tastes. Accept them as an independent thinker, someone you raised to feel confidant to express themselves the way they see fit. Listen to them and learn what shapes their thinking and appreciate how you've helped nurture this in them. And then permit them to make their own choices, even if you consider it the “wrong” choice…as long as it’s not dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical or likely to close some door in their future...if it is then it would be the time to step in-- otherwise, let them learn from their mistakes—it’s the best way to grow into adulthood.

Something else to consider – stop making your child the center of your universe. Even if you only have one child, (especially if you just have one), that’s a lot of pressure on a kid. You not only deserve to have a life of your own, and engage in activities that you're passionate about, but doing so will allow you to ease up on doing everything for your kids. If you don’t know how to back up and give them space, this is one way to do it…find something else to divert all that focus and energy to and allow them to step in and pick up the slack.

Also, this is so important…listen to your teen and keep your advice and opinions to yourself. Learn to validate how they feel and ask questions to help guide them towards resolving their own problems. Resist the urge to tell them how they should be thinking or feeling or how they should handle a situation. Instead, gently guide them and let them figure things out for themselves. And they actually do when you give them the chance. Stop trying to fix everything for them or tell them how to fix it. If they want your advice they’ll ask for it.

And, you know all those things you do on a daily basis for your teen? Make a list. Seriously. And look at each thing. Ask yourself a simple question about each thing on the list: Can they handle this themselves? I know, some things we just like to do for our kids to be nice, and that’s okay but you can share that task with them, maybe even do it together or just jump in there and help now and then. Remember the goal is to help them gain the skills they need to live independently at some point so start backing up and let them handle the things they are capable of handling. Show them how to do it a few times if necessary, do it with them a time or two, then hand it over.

So, are you ready to step back, get a grip on your thoughts and emotions and allow your teen to do for themselves, make their own decisions, and practice their autonomy…even if it results in some uncomfortable consequences for them?

I certainly hope so. Because no one magically becomes an adult at a certain age. Adulthood comes from practice and none of us get there unscathed. I know we wish we could make sure our kids never suffered negative consequences or hardships of any kind, but that’s where all the growth actually happens. That’s how we make our list of, “well, I’ll never do that again”.

I invite you to take an honest look at your parenting and not to let your own anxiety, desire for control, perfectionism, peer pressure or anything else interfere with preparing your teen for adulthood.

Tightening your grip won’t fix a thing.

Alright that’s it for today, thank you so much for being here. If you’re listening, I’d so appreciate a review and a 5-star rating and if your watching, check out this video right here next.