Connection is such a vague term that everyone throws around like you’re supposed to already know what it means. I’m guilty as well…I say it at the end of every podcast episode. So, in this final installment of my Fundamentals of Parenting Teens series, I want to explain this concept, tell you why it’s truly fundamental to parenting your teen, and how you actually do it…even with a teenager that wants nothing to do with you.

Hey there, I’m Ann Coleman, an attorney turned parent educator, and I made a mess of things with my teenage son before figuring out how to turn things around. In this podcast, I teach you science backed strategies that will improve your teen’s behavior.

So, what is connection, really? Simply put, it’s the ingredient that keeps your teens safe and mentally healthy. It's the foundation of your relationship. The stronger your connection, the safer they'll feel with you. And the safer they feel, the more they'll trust you. And the greater the trust, the more they'll share with you about their lives.

And you NEED them to share. You need to know when they need help or advice or are worried or afraid—you want them coming to you for input—or to at least imagine what you might say or want them to do in the moment.

If you don't have this connection, they don't have this feeling of safety and trust. They won't care what you think, they won't ask your opinion, and they won't want to do things that align with your values. In short—no connection means you're shut out. You have no influence with them. They'll be both physically AND emotionally separated from you.

As I’ve pointed out in this series, and said many times in the past, once your kids reach adolescence the “telling” is over. You literally cannot make them do anything they don’t WANT to do. They have to want to cooperate with you, and do what you’d want them to do when they’re out there in the wild. You basically have to win them over through your connection with them if you want to keep them physically safe, mentally healthy, and behaving the way you’d want them to.

Let me give you a scenario:

A group of teens decide to go to a concert an hour away from home on a Friday night. Your daughter is one of them. You and your daughter have not been doing well at all—you've become very disconnected, lots of consequences being doled out, a lot of defiance and lying, and a lot of putting your foot down, threatening, and lecturing.

They get to this concert and things get out of hand fast. Someone brought alcohol, and they were passing it around in the car. By the time they got there, most of them were wasted except the driver, who started using substances in the parking lot—now everyone's out of it.

Your daughter's getting really nervous. She's not feeling so well, there are several older guys trying to get her to go party, she keeps getting separated from her best friend, and all she can hear in her head is, "If I find out you've been drinking again, you'll no longer have a phone and forget about going anywhere for months." So, she knows there's no way she can let you find out, much less call you for help. She decides to hang tough and if the driver isn't okay to drive back, she'll see if she can catch a ride from one of the guys she just met tonight.

But if you and your daughter had a strong connection, where she felt safe to come to you no matter what, where she could confide in you and trust you to be on her side—even if you had to address her behavior after the fact—she could have called you when she knew she'd gotten in over her head, knowing you wouldn't lecture, shame, and punish her, but would help her figure out how to avoid this situation next time, how to live up to her own values and make better decisions.

Connection isn't some pie-in-the-sky concept that parenting experts like to throw around because it makes them sound smart—it's real and CRITICAL for you and your teen. If they don't feel connected to you, then you'll have no influence in their life whatsoever. You can issue consequence after consequence, you can lecture and yell and plead and cry, and it will be for nothing.

Throughout this series, we've talked about some of the main elements of having a strong connection with your teen. For example, supporting their autonomy is paramount to connection because it keeps the conflict to a minimum (power struggles and arguments cause disconnection). Managing discipline through teaching rather than punishing supports their autonomy and builds connection as does supporting them emotionally through emotion coaching.

Basically, everything I talk about and teach helps you build this connection and maintain your influence in your teens’ lives.

Today, I’m going to give you a couple of other strategies that will improve your connection and they’re very action oriented so you can literally start implementing these things today.

First, we’re going to work on increasing the positive interactions you have with your teen. We’ve been working on decreasing the negative already, but we also need to pump up the positive to really strengthen your relationship.

Let me tell you why these positive interactions matter so much and then I’ll tell you how to do it. We've already discussed in previous episodes how the adolescent brain reacts to criticism and perceived threats. We know that their amygdala is super sensitive and their prefrontal cortex is still developing. We've talked about how threats to their autonomy, direct criticism, and even well-meaning reminders can trigger their fight-or-flight response.

We've also covered emotion coaching and how to help them through emotional dysregulation. If you haven't listened to those episodes yet, go back and start from the beginning of this play list because they're foundational to what we're talking about today.

Here's what I want you to really understand: Because of how sensitive the adolescent amygdala is, and because of how easily they can interpret things negatively, you MUST be intentional about building positive interactions with your teen. These positive moments act as a buffer—they fill up an emotional bank account that you'll make withdrawals from when conflicts inevitably arise.

Let me explain. Remember the researcher I mentioned when we talked about emotion coaching? John Gottman. I mentioned that he’s more well known for his couples therapy techniques. Well, back in the 1970s, he began several studies on married couples that took place over nine years. Just by observing couples solving a conflict for 15 minutes, researchers were able to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would be divorced and which would still be married at the nine-year mark.

As it turns out, there's a very specific ratio of positive to negative interactions that predicts satisfaction in relationships. They called it the "Magic Ratio," which is FIVE positives to every ONE negative interaction. So, for one conflict, you have to balance it out with five other positive interactions.

Now, parenting experts have applied this magic ratio to parent-child relationships as well. And because of what we know about the adolescent brain—how it automatically interprets things so negatively—I say you're going to need a hell of a lot of positive interactions between you and your teen to keep your emotional bank account in the black.

Think about it: If their brain is already primed to see criticism where none exists, if a simple reminder about homework can feel like nagging, if asking about their day can feel like an interrogation—then we need to be flooding them with genuinely positive moments to counterbalance all the ways their brain is working against us.

So how do we create these positive interactions? One of the most powerful ways is by showing a genuine interest in what THEY'RE interested in.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: Find out what their favorite YouTuber is and watch videos with them. Find out who their favorite music artist is and do a deep dive. Look up the latest news so you can drop something in passing. Get them to teach you how to play their favorite video game.

These are conversations. They're activities. It's about connecting over something THEY'RE interested in—that's it.

We have to remember that just because we WANT to have conversations with our teens about important things—things we think matter in life—they are not going to listen to the sales pitch without a little warm-up. You can't make a cold call with your teenager. You have to get to know them, do a little entertaining, get them to relax around you, maybe get them to buy in on something small first, THEN you sell them the big shiny luxury sedan.

You do that by showing interest in THEIR interests. As one parenting resource puts it: 15 "If it's a big deal to your kids, it should be a big deal to you too." This is so true. Rather than acting like the typical adult and shaking your head and telling them you just don't get it—ACT like you get it. Fake it 'til you make it.

My son was way into rap music when he was a teenager and I absolutely detested it. I hated to hear the vile language and the misogyny and focus on money, money, money and drugs. I just loathed hearing it. However, in my effort to connect with my son, I decided to reign it in and go the other direction to see what would happen.

So, the next time he put that music on in the car, I said something like, “Hey, turn that up, I kind of like that one”. Well, you would have thought that I’d just presented him with the best present ever. His face lit up like a 5-year-old on Christmas morning. I got the whole story about this music artist, his background, his lyrics and what they mean. He talked to me more that day than the past month. That’s the power of being interested in what they enjoy and find meaningful.

Did I really love that song? Hell no. But I love my son and was willing to try harder to get into his world and connect on his terms. You may not ever love country music or magic tricks or football or Fortnite. But will it kill you to pretend a little? Didn't you pretend to eat play food when they were little? Didn't you pretend to wrestle with them or pretend to love playing Barbies or Thomas the Tank Engine or Ninja Turtles or Paw Patrol or whatever it was then?

So why are we so opposed to watching a weird cartoon show or dancing to K-pop? When we do these things, we buy ourselves valuable connection time with our kids. We get closer to them, if just for a minute. They get to see us in a different way and we get to know them a little better.

You want to know how to connect? This is how you connect. Instead of watching the news or doing extra work or folding clothes, spend that time showing an interest in what they're doing.

You can't possibly think that they're going to listen to you talk about something they don't want to listen to when you've never done them that courtesy. Turnabout is fair play. Get in there and get interested in this stuff despite your general distaste or lack of enthusiasm—we're talking about your kid. You want them to talk to you? This is your way in!

Now, on the flip side, I hope this goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway—do NOT criticize or show your disdain for their interests. I used to say, “turn that music off”, “that’s not even music” “that’s so disgusting”. That doesn’t earn you any credibility with them.

So, even if you cannot force yourself to feign interest in contouring makeup, do not make comments like "how can it possibly look good to layer that much makeup on your face?"

These little comments we make in passing, that just pop out of our mouths as we think them, can do as much damage to your connection as punishing or directly criticizing them.

When you make light of or dismiss their interests, hobbies, or anything they like, you are directly criticizing THEM. You might as well say, "You're a loser for liking that music" or "You're an idiot for wanting to watch someone else play video games for hours on end."

Rolling your eyes, asking them to turn the music down—this is CRITICISM in their brain. Again, their brain interprets things extremely negatively already, so these little slights and digs about what they enjoy can garner a big negative emotional reaction from your kid.

You know the old saying, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em? That's what we're talking about here. And I'll add: if you just cannot bring yourself to join 'em, don't criticize 'em.

If you've already been doing this, there's a way to go back and make it up. Do what I did. The next time they're playing a game or listening to music, say, "You know, I think I judged this game too soon—that actually looks like a lot of fun. Can you tell me about it as you play?" Or the next time a song comes on that you'd normally ask them to skip, ask them to turn it UP and say, "You know, that's actually growing on me." And get ready for a conversation.

Here's what happens when we don't pay attention to the ratio of positive to negative interactions: Every negative interaction is like a brick in a wall between you and your teen. Nagging, criticism, arguments, invalidating their emotions, correcting their "tone" in the middle of a discussion, cutting them off mid-sentence to tell them "no," rolling your eyes, making a sarcastic comment, ignoring them, dismissing them—every negative interaction like this adds another brick in the wall.

And for every brick that goes up in that wall, your connection decreases. Pretty soon you have none and you're just staring at this brick wall between you and your teenager.

But the opposite is also true. Every positive interaction—every moment you show genuine interest, every time you listen without interrupting, every shared laugh, every inside joke—these are bridges over that wall. These are deposits in your emotional bank account.

And here's something fascinating from the research: It's not so much the NUMBER of conflicts you have with your teens that determines the quality of your relationship. It's the speed with which, and the extent to which, you're both able to bounce back from a negative or unpleasant interaction to a more positive and supportive one.

So, for example, if you can be really irritated with each other one minute, express those negative emotions and opinions freely, listen to each other fully, validate and empathize with each other, and then quickly get over it and move on to be able to laugh about it or discuss more positive things—this FLEXIBILITY is huge for connecting with your teenager.

Alright, let me give you some concrete examples of what positive interactions look like, based on what works in successful relationships in general…and by the way, please subscribe if you’re enjoying this series because I have hundreds of more episodes in my brain for the future! Okay, so ways to have more positive interactions:

Be Genuinely Interested—Listen to your teen. When they talk, you stop everything, put that phone down, and give them 1000% attention. This is crucial. You listen when they're excited or when they're upset or even angry at you. Listen and validate their emotions. Study that emotion coaching episode in this series and download the guide – Emotion Coaching.

Express Affection—This doesn't have to be through a hug or a kiss or some sort of touch, though those are wonderful when they're receptive. It can be a note on their bathroom mirror, making their favorite dessert, putting clean sheets on their bed, taking them to a movie. It can be the smallest thing and doesn't have to cost money.

Demonstrate They Matter—The motto here is "small things often." Showing them you care about them on a regular basis helps provide that buffer for conflict. If you know your kid had an especially hard day, do something nice like slip them a note under their door or play their favorite music really loudly in the other room.

Intentional Appreciation—Try to focus on your kid's positive traits. Think about them as babies—get out the baby book and share it now and then and remind yourself of how precious they were and still are. Pay them sincere compliments as often as possible.

Find Opportunities for Agreement—Brainstorm and find bits you can agree on. Negotiate and compromise.

Empathize and Apologize—Empathy is so necessary in your relationship with your adolescent. Empathy for how their brain works and for all the stress they're under. And importantly—learn to apologize when you mess up. It's great modeling for your teen.

Accept Their Perspective—You and your teen can have completely different perspectives on something and totally disagree, but still respect each other's input and opinion.

Make Jokes—Being able to tease and act silly, even during a conflict, can certainly diffuse the situation if it makes sense in the moment.

Now, here's the flip side of creating positive interactions: You've got to STOP creating unnecessary negative ones.

Remember what we discussed earlier in this series: If it's not dangerous, unethical, unhealthy, illegal, or likely to close some door better left open, then it's not worth having a rule or arguing about it—leave it up to them.

For example, please stop with the messy bedroom! Messy bedrooms are simply part of life with a teenager—full stop. End of story. Messiness is not dangerous, unethical, unhealthy, illegal, or likely to close some door better left open—unless there are roaches or rats running around in there…then it might be a health hazard.

You are going to fight this battle with no end in sight and absolutely no winners, because every time you remind, argue, or reprimand about it, you are adding a brick to that wall between you. And what did we say about that wall? The communication, the trust, the connection stops, and your INFLUENCE with them ends. Then you're talking rebellion, lying, acting out—you don't want that. That mess in their room is not worth ruining your connection with them.

Your kid's not going to be a slob forever, and if they are, there are worse things they could be.

You know what else you can stop doing? Fussing about that wet towel on the bathroom floor. If it's that big of a deal to you, make sure they have to use that towel for their next shower. And if they don't find it necessary to use a clean, dry towel, why should you CARE?

Do NOT risk your relationship with your kid over that towel or that messy room. Stop it.

I didn't think about it this way until my own son was struggling badly with anxiety and depression. At his residential treatment center, they told us: "You're sitting there worried about a few clothes on the floor and some open bags of chips, while their entire world is falling apart around them. Your child is in pain. Messy rooms mean absolutely NOTHING. Nothing. Ever."

Your kid may not be as stressed out as mine was, but they ARE stressed, I'm telling you. No kid out there is immune from the stress—whether they're the over-achiever or under-achiever. They're dealing with school, managing teachers' and parents' expectations, trying to maintain friendships or popularity, school sports, homework, the pressures of romantic partners and social media.

Your kid is stressed—so please don't make things worse. Stop focusing on things that just do not matter in the grand scheme of things.

What does matter? What will help you maintain your influence with them for the truly IMPORTANT things in their life? Your connection.

How do you solidify that connection? Have way more positive interactions than negative.

How do you create positive interactions? Show a real interest in what THEY'RE interested in.

How do you avoid negative interactions? Stop with the nasty digs, smart comments, judgmental questions, demands, threats, reminders, and fussing about stuff that doesn't matter.

Connection is your only way in. Not your lectures, your consequences, your constant reminders to "be good" or "be careful"—it's their deep KNOWING that you will ALWAYS have their back, that you understand them to their core, that you would never, no matter what, abandon them.

That is what will allow them to share their soul with you, to let you into their world just enough so you can guide them through, teach them how to be an adult, show them how to be the person they're meant to be.

The bottom line? Your messy, moody, sometimes difficult teenager is going to be just fine. They probably won't even be a messy, moody, difficult grown-up.

You can’t control everything. What you CAN have is a relationship with them. A real relationship where they trust you, where they come to you when they need you, where your voice stays in their head even when you're not around. But that only happens if you're relentless about maintaining your connection with them.

So, get in there. Learn about Anime or Minecraft or whatever it is they love. Count to ten before you fuss about their room. Put your phone down when they talk to you. Show them you're interested in their world. Fill up that emotional bank account with so many positive moments that when conflict inevitably comes—and it will—you've got plenty of reserves to draw from.

Because at the end of the day, connection isn't just nice to have.

It's everything.

Okay, that wraps up our series on The Fundamentals of Parenting Teens. Please watch or listen to the rest of the series right here (if you’re listening, just go backwards in your podcast app and find the first one – it’s episode 234.

Alright, thank you so much for being here and for doing the hard work of learning to parent your teen in a new way. I’ll see you next time…now go connect with your teen.