It may be your fault that your teenager can be such an asshole sometimes. Let me tell you how to fix that.

Hey there, I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator. I made a mess of things with my teenage son before figuring out how to turn things around and on this channel, I teach you science backed strategies to improve your teen’s behavior.

This is the 4^th episode in my series the Fundamentals of Parenting teens, so be sure and go watch the whole series when you can.

Back to teenagers acting like assholes and what role you may be playing in that behavior…I have to back up a little bit and start by explaining the overarching theme of adolescence…I’m talking about your teen’s innate, overwhelming need for autonomy. Stay with me here.

Remember, in the first 3 episodes I mentioned changes in the adolescent brain that cause a lot of a-hole-like behavior. And in the last episode, I mentioned the brain’s “social system” which focuses on social stimuli, which not only makes teens extremely self-conscious and easily embarrassed, but also makes them completely obsessed with being accepted by their peers.

And because this social system overlaps with the brain’s reward system, it makes teens even more likely to do stupid, risky things when they’re around their friends.

Now, at the same time all of this is going on, they’re also trying desperately to figure out who they are, what they stand for and believe in and what they want others to think of them. And they are now able to think more abstractly and understand more adult things and they now see you as a fallible human – not the superhero they once pictured. Their brain tells them they’re just as smart and just as adult as you.

So, from pretty early on, they want to be treated with the same respect and dignity as you want to be treated. They don’t want to be treated like a child. They want to be listened to, understood, valued, trusted…like an adult.

A big part of this is wanting more control in their lives—wanting to be able to make their own decisions, have more freedom, be taken seriously, and trusted to be able to manage things on their own. In short, they want you to support their autonomy.

Again, this is an evolutionary thing—it’s how their brain is wired.

Now, I’m not saying they ARE an adult – far from it. But if we don’t adapt our parenting to support their autonomy, we cause conflict, become disconnected from them and make their behavior worse than it has to be.

And this is the really hard part for some of us…supporting their autonomy means sharing some of our parental control with them, letting go a bit, backing up and giving them more space. This can be a major challenge for many parents. You may not realize you need to do this or you just don’t want to. It may be because of how you were parented or it could be fear that keeps you from changing your parenting.

Fear was certainly my problem. If we’re afraid they’ll mess up and make mistakes, get in trouble, and screw up their future, we want to stay in control to make sure that doesn’t happen. And instead, we make their behavior worse by making ourselves the enemy.

So how do we support their autonomy, and therefore, improve their behavior?

I’m going to give you 8 action steps:

The first thing you have to do is to understand (get it through your head) that it’s their JOB right now to be accepted by their tribe and figure themselves out. If you don’t understand how important this is to them you’ll cause a lot of arguments, which will damage your relationship with them and cause them not to want to let you in on what’s going on in their lives.

We parents tend to think we know everything…or at least we’re not so willing to accept that we may not always be right about our kids and how we treat them.

For example, we might tease them about the lengths they go to with how they look (how much time they spend on their hair, or the amount of product they put in it or on their skin, or the number of outfits they try on before going out). We might see it as entitled, silly, overkill, or even vain.

Or we might make fun of or put down the things they’re interested in, the music they listen to, the games they play, the people they follow, the clothes or shoes they like…

This is totally the opposite of the support they need right now. When we do these things, they feel criticized, put down, embarrassed, and angry. They see you as someone who “doesn’t get it” – who doesn’t get THEM. It’s hurtful, it causes arguments, and it puts a major ding in your connection with them.

The second way you can support their autonomy is to learn to treat them with the same respect you would another adult. Again, I’m not saying treat them like an adult and let them do whatever they want. I’m saying, specifically, when you interact with them, when you talk to them, use the same tone, way of speaking, and the words you’d use with another adult. Be respectful.

Before you act or say something ask yourself, how would I say this to a friend or colleague? If you wouldn’t say, “Turn that so-called music off, I can’t stand it” to a friend, why would you say it to your teen that way, with that tone?

Your teenager just wants to be given the same deference, benefit of the doubt…the same respect as any other autonomous human. And for some reason we tend to take many more liberties with how we talk to them. We demand their respect, yet we often treat them with very little. We expect them to use kind words and “watch their tone” yet we don’t always do the same.

As the saying goes, you have to give respect to get respect. That’s a good saying to remember.

The third way to support their autonomy is by using a simple system to decide when you should share your control with them. I have one for you that I’ve borrowed from Dr. Lawrence Steinberg, a renowned adolescence neuropsychology researcher. Each time you’re faced with a decision about a rule or expectation for your teen, or you’re trying to decide whether to allow them to do something, just ask yourself if the natural consequences of this thing is or could be dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical or likely to close some door or opportunity in the future. If you answer yes, then you have the final say or control over the matter, and if not, then it should be left up to them.

For example, if they’re complaining that they’re too old now to have the rule that they can’t walk around downtown after dark with their friends, you need to take an objective look at the situation and decide, whether, at their age, walking around downtown at night could be  dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical or likely to close some door or opportunity in the future. It certainly could be dangerous depending on many factors (What’s crime like there? What time of night are we talking about? Are they 12 or are they 15?) So, this means you should have the final say…but only after you’ve had a discussion with them in which listen to their argument, acknowledge how they feel about it, tell them your concerns, and at least try to get them to brainstorm with you so you can agree on something that both gives them a win but still keeps them safe.

If you can’t agree on something, then again, you have the final say, but you need to firmly but gently let them know that. Something like, I’m sorry, I’ve listened, and I understand you’re frustrated and feel you can manage this, and I’ve told you why I’m concerned, I’ve offered a compromise, and I can’t say yes to what you want to do.”

My go-to was just to automatically say “no”, if it felt dangerous or whatever. I often didn’t listen to what my son had to say about it. And what happened when I’d just say no, was an automatic beg-a-thon. Lots of begging and pleading usually followed by angry outbursts and arguing.

NOT the way to go.

Now what if the issue is not something you should have the final say over? Let’s say they want to sport an odd-looking haircut and wear clothes that YOU feel look ridiculous. Is this dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical or likely to close some door or opportunity in their future? Nope. It may embarrass you and you might not like it for many reasons, but it should be left up to them. It’s not even a discussion. This is all part of them individuating, trying out those personas and is to be expected.

Research shows that adolescents are much more willing to stick to rules that have something to do with health or safety. But when it comes to things they feel are in their personal domain  (things like their appearance, friends, hobbies, and the like) that is a threat to their autonomy and major power struggles will ensue.

So, the bottom line is, you need to be very careful that you’re not treading into their domain when it comes to these decisions (go through those categories) and even if you have the final say, you need to support their autonomy by listening to them, validating their feelings, brainstorming and trying to negotiate something you can both live with, if at all possible…and if it’s not possible, be firm but kind about it.

Of course, this a little more involved than simply making a unilateral decision and telling them how it’s going to be, but it’s those declarations that cause so many of the problems with their behavior.  That doesn’t work anymore. This has to be a joint effort, working with them, guiding them and working with the brain they have right now.

The fourth way you can support their autonomy, (and therefore cut down on the conflict, stay connected, and improve their behavior)…is to no freak out when they tell you something.

Here’s what I mean: because of our fear, we can make a big deal about something or freak out over something they’ve shared with us, or admitted to. So, don’t make them regret telling you something. The fact that they’re telling you something intimate or private or something that scared them, this is a big deal, a huge moment…don’t mess it up.

For example, I believe it was someone in our Facebook group who was upset that her kid had confessed to vaping and she was wanting a suggestion for a consequence. This is the exact opposite of what you should do in this situation.

They’ve trusted you enough to share this information, whatever it is. It could be just a feeling they have (like maybe something about their sexuality or gender) or something they’re contemplating (like maybe having sex with their partner) or something they’ve done (took gummies and now they’re sick) or something that’s happened to them (got drunk and were sexually molested).

And if you get angry or freak out, make a huge deal about it, punish them, start calling people, or whatever…you can forget ever getting this kind of information ever again. You will destroy their trust in you…the illusion that you will treat them with respect and kindness and understanding, like you would an adult who shares something with you.

Instead, you want to thank them for trusting you enough to share whatever it is they’ve shared. You can ask them if they want to talk about it or just wanted you to know. You can get curious and ask a few questions to help them figure things out, you can ask if they want your help or what they’d like you to do. It all depends on the situation, of course.

But the last thing you want to do is get all emotional. You have an opportunity to pull them in closer to you, to earn even more trust and influence in their life…and you could blow that by threatening their autonomy.

The fifth way to support their autonomy is to let them fail or faulter and suffer the natural consequences…unless those consequences are dangerous, unhealthy, unethical, illegal, or likely to close some door. Remember, it’s our fear that causes us to step in and make everything all better, or to try and prevent them from making mistakes to begin with. Our anxiety over letting them experience discomfort of some kind, or perhaps fear of experiencing that discomfort ourselves.

Whatever it is, it makes us jump through hoops to prevent or fix their mistakes. And this is one of the biggest disservices we can do for our kids. This not only makes them feel like they aren’t capable autonomous humans, but it can prevent them from ever becoming one.

This is one of the biggest reasons many kids can’t make it when they go off to college or uni. They can’t cope, they can’t make their own decisions, they don’t know how to do anything without help. It’s sad really.

There’s a guy on Instagram, Chip Leighton, who talks about funny texts teenagers send their parents…some of them from college freshmen, and while hilarious, they can be rather sad. “Am I allergic to shellfish?” “Which one’s the stove?”.

The truth is, we have to turn loose of some of the things we do for our kids, or some of the messes we clean up for them and let those natural consequences do their job of teaching. Those consequences are the best teacher. That’s how we learn. We don’t learn without making mistakes. Start allowing them more space to make those decisions and learn from their own mistakes.

The sixth way to support their autonomy is to respect their privacy. One element of this autonomy they’re seeking is their strong need for privacy in certain aspects of their life. Remember, they feel like an adult and they don’t think it’s right or fair that you know everything about them – even if they’re not doing anything wrong – they feel they should be able to keep certain things private or secret.

Yes, it’s your job to keep them safe, but as much as possible you want to do that while respecting their privacy and supporting their autonomy. Make sure you’re not letting your fear take over. Discuss the issue with them, work with them to agree what will be open territory and what isn’t and under what circumstances that may need to change. Remember, no unilateral decisions…unless it’s a dire situation of course. If you’ve been tipped off that they’re drinking in their bedroom, you certainly have the right to look around their room, but if at all possible, speak to them about it and give them the opportunity to come clean first.

So, rather than doing any covert spying, snooping, monitoring, or tracking , unless there’s a major reason not to, always discuss it up front and get their buy in if at all possible. Talk about why you feel it’s necessary, get their opinion, ask for their input – and LISTEN. Discuss values and risks and safety and give them good reasons for why you’d like these things in place.

The 7^th way of supporting their autonomy is a difficult one for most of us. Only give advice when they ask for it or you ask permission to give it. Most of us are all too quick to give our opinion, make recommendations, or downright tell our kids what to do when we spot (what we think) is a problem. Actually, maybe our teen tells us about a specific problem and rather than listening, validating their feelings about the situation, asking questions to help them process it, and giving them space to solve the problem themselves, we just say, “well, I tell you what I’d do” or “just do this”.

This makes them feel like we have no faith in them to figure things out for themselves and that we’re really not hearing them….which of course threatens their autonomy.

But 99% of the time, they don’t want our advice, they didn’t ask for our advice, and they’re not going to take our advice, and it just makes them feel like we’re not listening and “don’t get it”. Think about it, when you vent to someone about a problem you’re having, you just want a little validation that it’s a difficult problem to have, you don’t want them to jump in and give you instructions…as a matter of fact, it’s pretty irritating when people do that. You just want someone to say, “Man, that sucks” or “Wow, I can see how hurt you are by that”. You don’t want to hear, “I’d march right in there and give them a piece of my mind”.

You might say, “do you want some advice or help with this”? Or “I’m happy to help you think this through if you need me to”…let them know you’re there for them but don’t want to tell them what to do.

Now, before I go into #8, let me just ask you that if you’re getting any value from these episodes to please go ahead and  subscribe to the channel. I’m a one-woman show and do everything myself so it means a lot to me to see those subscribes and likes…it keeps me going to know you appreciate it. And please take a minute to comment below and let me know what you think about what I’m saying here. Let’s chat.

Okay, now #8 is a biggie and I won’t get too far into the weeds on this one right now…I’ll do a more in depth episode on it in the future. So, when your teen messes up, makes a mistake, breaks a rule, does something wrong, be sure to approach the situation from a place of curiosity and teaching.

This is what I mean: remind yourself that they’re not an adult yet, their brain doesn’t function as an adult brain, they’re still learning these executive functions like making good decisions, using self-control, regulating their emotions…so, punishing them for not having the capacity to do these things is completely pointless, it will not change a thing.

Instead, they need your help to get better at doing what they need to do—so they can get it right next time.

Think about it this way, would you punish a two-year-old for not yet being able to speak in complete sentences? Of course, not – because developmentally, they don’t have that ability yet. We keep working with our kids to help them learn what they need to learn.

It’s the same thing here. For example, developmentally, your teen may not be able to make the choice to leave the party when people start drinking, or to say no when all their friends are standing around smoking weed. It’s your job to figure out what it was about the situation that caused them to make the choice they made…how did they feel in that moment, what were they thinking about, what was the problem for them.

Then you can brainstorm with them to figure out what they can do the next time the same situation presents itself. Maybe it’s about helping them figure out a way to make a face-saving exit, so you might work out a code word they can text you so you can pick them up or call them to say they have to come home.

But you can’t help them do better in the future if you don’t know what happened, so you have to ask and you have to be willing to listen and not freak out and help them with a solution rather than simply saying, well, you did something wrong and now you have to be punished.

How will that possibly help them learn how to navigate the world when you’re not around? It won’t. It will teach them that they can’t trust you and can’t depend on you to help them through this madness of adolescence. So, they’ll be sure and hide their actions better next time.

The more you punish instead of teaching, the more they’ll hide, lie and sneak around. Punishment doesn’t work because it doesn’t teach—it builds animosity and breaks down your connection with them and puts you on the outside in the dark.

I have several audio episodes that go into this further that I’ll link in the episode description.

Alright, I hope you enjoyed this episode and got some value from it. I can’t believe I’m actually making these videos…I shied away from the camera for years, and now I kind of like it. I hope to get a better camera and spiff up the place in the future so please stick around. And again, leave a comment and let me know what you think, if you agree, disagree, want me to slow down or speed up or talk about a specific topic…whatever…okay, thanks for being here and I’ll see you next time.