Has your teen ever done something that you thought they’d never do…something stupid or risky or dangerous? Maybe they’ve driven too fast, snuck out of the house, gotten on an app you’d forbidden, gotten sick on gummies…

I’m willing to bet, if they’re at least 15, you could make at least a short list. And, as I’ve said in the first and second episodes of this Fundamentals of Parenting Teens series, you have a normal teenager.

And today, I’m going to explain why they can do such idiotic crap sometimes, and again, why you have to change the way you interpret this behavior.

Hey there, I’m Ann Coleman, an attorney turned parent educator, and host of the podcast Speaking of Teens. This channel is all about helping you improve your teen’s behavior by decreasing the conflict and strengthening your relationship.

This is the third episode in my Fundamentals of Parenting Teens series, and it would probably be better for you to start with the first…here’s the playlist for the entire series right here.

This series is to help you improve your teen’s behavior by decreasing the conflict between you and strengthening your connection.

In the first episode I explained why your teenager has such a hard time using self-control and making good decisions. In the second, I talked to you about why your teen is so emotional much of the time and can explode for no reason. And today, as we continue talking about their brain and behavior I’ll explain why they sometimes act like they have no brain at all, the act but don’t think.

It's maddening, right? What the heck are they thinking? They aren’t thinking. That’s exactly the problem. To be more specific, you’ve heard of dopamine, right? Well, the amygdala isn’t the only super sensitive part of the adolescent brain that gives the prefrontal cortex a run for its money.

The reward system, which runs on dopamine, is turbocharged during adolescence and that presents its own unique set of problems for teens. This system of several brain structures, connected by a neural pathway, is responsible for motivating and reinforcing, pleasurable activities or behaviors – in other words, things that give us some sort of “reward” or good feeling. It motivates and reinforces these rewarding activities. What does that even mean?

 

For example, the reward system can be activated by a sugary food (one piece of candy and you might want more) or  (applause) entertainers are often drawn in by the applause and reviews of their performance, receiving likes on social media is very motivating for many people, as are using drugs, receiving praise, drinking alcohol, having sex, watching porn. There are many, many things that activate the reward system, which then motivates a person to seek out that pleasurable thing again and again.

 

Now, the amygdala not only causes the fight or flight response, but it helps store certain memories in our brain that can pop up later. And because the amygdala is connected to the reward system, it allows the reward system to remember the rewarding effect of certain stimuli we’re exposed to.

Now, as I mentioned, dopamine is the neurotransmitter that is produced in the reward system. And when someone is exposed to a rewarding stimulus dopamine levels increase in this area of the brain, it feels super pleasurable, the amygdala remembers that feeling so we want to do it again.

But as an aside here…dopamine causes us to seek out pleasurable things but it is NOT responsible for the pleasurable feeling itself. Science has shown that even without dopamine receptors, animals can find pleasure in an activity, but they won’t put forth any effort in seeking those things out.

Dopamine is not addictive, no one seeks a “hit” of dopamine, it’s not a “pleasure chemical” or even a “reward chemical”…that’s not the way it works. And although there are several different scientific theories about the exact role on its exact role in the reward system, one popular theory about it’s role in the adolescent reward system is that there’s a deep decline in dopamine receptors in the prefrontal cortex at around age 9 or 10. This means there are not enough of these receptors to bind to the dopamine and keep it where it’s supposed to be and time its release better. So, there’s all this extra dopamine floating around in an adolescent’s brain which makes the reward system all revved up and everything rewarding, feels even more rewarding (fun, exciting, pleasurable, different, forbidden) and worth taking whatever risks to seek it out.

And once they give it a try, it will feel better than at any other point in their life! It’s the most fun ever – whatever it is, and the reward system motivates them to do it again and again.

Some of these rewarding experiences can be very positive, some won’t be. Some will be pretty risky and others even downright dangerous.

 

They can get that rewarding feeling from playing sports or acting in the school play or performing in the marching band, making good grades – all of these are ways their reward system helps them take positive risks that yield praise from parents and teachers and the community, right? This is the evolutionary reason for this uptick in the reward system – to help teens move away from their immediate family towards friends, to be accepted by a tribe, find a mate and procreate. In modern times it means they learn to move out of their comfort zone with us, get accepted by a tribe, go to college or learn a trade, get a job, start a family and learn to be independent adults at some point.

The problem is, there are so many rewarding things out there that aren’t so positive (that weren’t around centuries ago…and again, our brain doesn’t distinguish good rewards from bad). There’s gaming, gambling, sugary or chemically enhanced foods, social media...

Then there are things that are rewarding to the adolescent brain that are downright dangerous - like driving too fast, drinking alcohol, experimenting with drugs, vaping, having unprotected sex, talking to strangers online, jumping in the car with someone who’s been drinking.

But whether positive, not so positive, or risky and dangerous, the adolescent brain processes them all the same way. And of course, remember that their prefrontal cortex is very little help here as far as using self-control and making good decisions, regulating their emotions.

Of course, remember that I’m always talking in generalities here. Every kid is different. So many things factor into their behavior – like genetics, temperament, personality, past experiences or traumas, whether they have a developmental disorder, a learning issue, or a mental health issue. So, there ARE certainly kids who have less reactive amygdalas, not so revved up reward systems, better at making good decisions etc. and some who aren’t…and as they move through adolescence, a kid may sometimes make good decisions and at other times make horrible decisions. Just remember, all kids are different and even within that kid, this growth process is not linear.

Now, let me tell you about something else that interacts with the reward system and really messes with their ability to make these good decisions – it’s what I call the social system of the brain – it’s several other regions of the brain. And beginning with puberty this social system also kicks into high gear. Kids suddenly become very self-focused, and their self-awareness increases tremendously.

They become very self-consciousness and easily embarrassed, and this plays into every decision they make – what they wear, how they talk, who they talk to, how they walk across a room – everything. They’re even concerned about these things when no one else is around. They have a heightened sense of awareness that their peers are judging them, and it consumes them, contributes to every decision they make. Being accepted by their peers becomes the absolute most important thing in life. Comparisons are a constant (and social media of course makes this 1000% worse.)

This is all part of that evolutionary imperative. Back a couple of million years ago if a young person wasn’t accepted into a tribe, they were on their own in the wild and they wouldn’t survive. It was a matter of life or death to be accepted. So, that brain process lingers – even in our modern society – it literally feels like life or death to them to be accepted. Try to understand how important it is for their hair to be perfect or to have the right clothes. They’re not entitled or vain (although, yes they are self-absorbed) – this is simply how their brain works and they cannot help that.

Studies have continually shown that this overwhelming need for acceptance from peers is not only decisive in forming their sense of self, but also in influencing the type of risks they’re willing to take. Teens are willing to do things with other kids their age that they would never do alone and know they shouldn’t do - period. So, that pressure is internal – as well as possibly from their peers.

In fact, researchers believe that receiving that acceptance and positive feedback from peers is treated by the reward system in roughly the same way as using drugs and alcohol. That’s how rewarding acceptance is. So, it’s no surprise that most “bad” teenage behavior happens in a group of 2 or more. Drinking, drug use, theft, vandalism all usually happens in groups. And this is even more true for boys than girls.

Something else…I’m sure you’ve heard people say that teenagers think they’re invincible – that they don’t think anything can ever happen to them. That’s not exactly true. Research shows that when teens are with peers and someone suggests something stupid, they actually do a quick risk analysis in their head. And more often than not, they can correctly estimate the percentage of risk for a negative consequence (“I think there’s about an 80% chance that jumping off this dock and into the water on my bike that’s tied by a rope to that tree over there is not going to end well”).

BUT they quickly determine that the benefit of this risky thing – the “reward” they’ll get from it, greatly outweighs the risk of the negative consequence, no matter how high that percentage. That’s how strong their reward system is, when combined with the social system.

Now, when teens are not in the heat of the moment (not around their peers and presented with some rewarding experience), they’re as capable as adults to make reasoned decisions and control their impulses. For example, one study found that 14-year-olds answered the same as any reasonable adult when asked whether certain activities were risky. They know what is and is not risky and what they should and should not do in certain situations. It's just that when they’re with friends or other peers and something looks fun and sounds exciting, their prefrontal cortex doesn’t help them make that good decision – they take that calculated risk, which is usually a bad idea.

So, what can you do to help them stay safe when it’s not about what they KNOW about the risk? Obviously, teaching them more or lecturing about the dangers won’t help. Of course, you have to talk to them about it all and hope that it sinks in to the level that when they’re making their decision, they err on the side of caution. Is there some magic formula here though?

Actually, there is. The magic is in your connection with your teen. And I’ll talk about this later in the series but basically, we’re talking about a relationship with your teen in which they actually want to do what you want them to do, where they want to align themselves with your values, talk to you about things that really matter to them, and ask for your advice.

That’s a pretty tall order but it’s absolutely possible. In the meantime, if you want to check out my 4-part audio podcast series on connection, I’ll link to those episodes in the description below. What this connection facilitates is an open and supportive relationship in which your teen will be thinking about you and what you would want them to do, when they’re out there in the wild with their friends and you’re nowhere around to help. So, connection is number 1.

But you can also do your best to (and this is not always possible) but do your best to make sure that if your teen is going to someone’s house or going to a party, or doing anything with a group of teens, that you know that an adult will be on sight and keeping an eye on things. You don’t have to be right on top of teens all the time, but at least if there’s an adult there, they are slightly less likely to do anything to get in trouble.

And of course, the more organized and supervised activities your kid is involved in, the less time they’ll have to do risky things. You do have to walk a fine line because you don’t want to stress them out with overscheduling and also you can’t force them to be involved in these activities. Again, that’s where your connection comes in. But also, one of the best ways to keep them busy is by helping them find something they’re passionate about and will want to do all the time. Help them experience as many things as you can so they can figure out what that might be. And I don’t mean just try to get them to sign up for activities or extracurriculars, I mean plan family outings where you all go somewhere new…maybe that’s whitewater rafting or going to a natural history museum. And it doesn’t have to be anything expensive…it could be hiking or just driving somewhere new. The key is to show them as many different things, expose them to stuff they wouldn’t otherwise be exposed to because you never know what will stick.

Back to our realization that knowledge about the risks alone will not prevent them from getting into sticky situations. One thing researchers have discovered is that traditional prevention programs like Dare and many other school-based drug, alcohol, vaping prevention programs – do not work. Lecturing kids doesn’t work because again, it’s not about the knowledge – they have the knowledge, they know the risks, they just don’t make that final decision well.

Other research has shown that treating teens with respect and dignity and appealing to their need for autonomy, is the best way to get through to them and make a difference. And the same can be said for parents talking to teens at home; treat them with respect, talk to them like they’re an adult and not a kid, don’t lecture. One way to discuss things that research has shown really seems to work…is to let them know how they are being taken advantage of by “the man” like social media platforms, tobacco companies, vape manufacturers, all of whom have slimy marketing tactics that take advantage of the adolescent reward system and line their greedy pockets.

Something else that researchers have discovered to help teens make better decisions is to help them with their emotional intelligence skills. This is something you can help them with at home by learning emotion coaching. I’ll address that in this series. But if you’d like to go ahead and listen, you could go to episode 95 of the audio only podcast – I’ll link to it in the description. You could also download my free guide, “Emotion Coaching” – I’ll give you that link as well.

You could also help your teen with their refusal skills. How do they get out of a situation without feeling embarrassed or being harassed? I talked about this in relation to vaping refusal in episode 114 and have some excellent resources in the show notes. Again, I’ll link to it in the episode description below.

And this is also where that connection with them comes in handy. You want them to feel free to call you, text you, at all hours of the night or day if they need your help to get out of a situation. Always remember that – don’t punish your kid if they reach out to you for help (even if they aren’t supposed to be where they are).

So, there you have it – Why teens do such risky things and what you can do about it. Just remember, being the guide for a young person that has more torque than brakes takes a lot of patience, creativity, empathy, compassion, emotional regulation, and connection. But you can do that.

Don’t forget to download those free guides and check out those podcast episodes linked in the description below, and please check out the rest of the Fundamentals of Parenting Teens series, which will be right here when it’s ready.

Next up, we’ll talk about supporting your kid’s autonomy and what a key factor that is in decreasing conflict and strengthening your relationship with them. I’ll see you in the next one. Thanks so much.