You know how your teen can bite your head off for nothing? Get so angry or frustrated over something that to you seems totally irrational? Or totally misinterprets what you’re trying to say to them?

Yeah, well, as I said in last week’s episode, you’ve got a normal teenager and today I’m going to explain why this happens and why you have to change the way you interpret this behavior.

In the last episode I kicked off my Fundamentals of Parenting Teens series, so be sure and go back and listen to that first episode right here, if you missed it – you’ll understand more about what I talk about today.

As a refresher, in that episode I explained how your teen’s frontal lobe is going through a major phase of neuroplasticity throughout adolescence that makes it much easier for them to learn new things (both positive and not so positive stuff)…and at the same time makes it really difficult for their prefrontal cortex to help them with executive functions like using self-control, regulating their emotions, and making good decisions.

And remember, this process isn’t completed until sometime in the mid to late 20s. So, we’re not just talking about teenagers having a problem with these issues. Your 26-year-old could be having similar issues to your 12-year-old (if your 12-year-old has started puberty)…and especially if your 26-year-old has ADHD or any mental health disorder that affects executive function.

So, keeping that in mind, as I mentioned in the last episode, there are at least a couple of other regions of the brain that are also going through changes that make it even harder for their prefrontal cortex to do its job. We’re going to talk about one of those today—the amygdala…the region of the brain that impacts emotion. And during adolescence it’s much more sensitive than it was before puberty or will be in adulthood.

This combination of a super sensitive amygdala and a weak prefrontal cortex is the reason we see a lot of the emotional impulsivity and reactivity, extreme emotional highs and lows and difficulty regulating emotions in adolescents.

And although the amygdala calms and the brain gets better at these executive functions as the frontal lobe gets closer to the finish line, every person is different and lots of factors affect how your kid manages throughout their adolescence.

 

So, what exactly does the amygdala do?

In very simplistic terms, the amygdala is the brain’s threat detector. It’s sole job is to protect us from physical harm. So, when we see, hear, feel, smell, or touch something it perceives as threatening it immediately sets off an alarm in the brain that triggers certain hormones and neurotransmitters (like adrenaline and cortisol) to be released in the brain and throughout the body. This is the fight or flight response.

So, imagine you’re cutting the grass in your back yard and suddenly a swarm of bees starts towards you, or your driving down a two lane road and a car swerves into your lane, or your walking alone at night and someone jumps out from behind a bush and grabs you.  Your amygdala is triggered to help you immediately act in these situations without the need to think about it. It’s a protective mechanism.

The amygdala’s release of these brain chemicals automatically causes 3 reactions in us:

A physiological reaction…our heart races, we might sweat, tremble, breathe heavier.

A psychological reaction…we’ll either feel some level of fear or nervousness, or even anger, and

A behavioral reaction…we instantly react to the threat by either fighting off the danger, “taking flight” (we move away from the danger). And there are other more nuanced responses I won’t get into here.

This fight or flight response was really helpful when prehistoric humans lived in the wild and faced real physical dangers every day…like wild animals, other humans, and natural disasters.

But as humanity evolved and modern society developed, we’ve become much more protected from all these physically threatening situations. However, the amygdala hasn’t evolved as quickly as society, and it still immediately responds to anything it perceives as the least bit threatening. Its job is to make sure the human species survives and it’s better to be safe than sorry.

So, what happens is, the amygdala often perceives threats where there are none. It overreacts or makes mistakes and causes the fight or flight response when it really probably shouldn’t.

For example, if someone pretends to throw something towards our face – we’ll put a hand up to deflect - even if there’s really nothing there.

If someone comes up behind you and yells Boo, you might scream, jump, or throw a punch! It’s an automatic reaction, with no thought at all.

And the amygdala can also perceive things like being cut off in traffic, getting a call from your boss, or getting a disrespectful comment from your teen as threatening. Again, it makes a lot of mistakes.

Of course, the fight or flight response can save your life if the danger is real – if something was really going to hurt you.

But if the danger’s not real (the amygdala’s mistaken), your adult prefrontal cortex has the ability to immediately jump in and regulate that amygdala, use some emotional regulation…“oh – okay – my kid’s just being a smart ass, I don’t have to fight them over it”, or “okay that lady probably didn’t see me, that’s why she pulled out, no big deal” You can calm your fear or anger, your heart rate and breathing will slow back down – and you’re all good.

Now, I say that you CAN…you have the better ability to do this because your prefrontal cortex is fully finished. But, we know it doesn’t always happen this way. I’ll talk about that later on in the series. Some of us have to work much harder to use our prefrontal cortex to regulate our emotions.

But guess who has it even harder…your teenager or even young adult (an adolescent). They have a MUCH harder time of it because of their weak prefrontal cortex. Once their amygdala sounds the alarm and triggers the fight or flight response there’s a much lower chance they’ll be able to get their emotions under control.

But that’s not the worst of it – as I mentioned earlier the adolescent amygdala is super sensitive, very jumpy, and perceives many things as threats that an adult’s amygdala does not. So, it makes a lot more mistakes and sends them into fight or flight mode much more often…again, with a prefrontal cortex that’s not much help at all to calm them down.

Almost anything can trigger your teen’s amygdala – meaning they can get angry, frustrated, annoyed, nervous, afraid, of things that literally make no sense to you and me. It can be completely baffling for parents and even siblings.

Some common triggers are telling them they’re going to be late, hurrying them up, telling them they can’t do something they want to do or have something they want, asking them about their homework or grades, reminding them to do a chore or get off the game or put their phone away, or teasing them about something…hell, asking them if they want waffles or oatmeal for breakfast can trigger their amygdala!

It causes them to misinterpret and mistake so many things as “threatening” or negative when they really aren’t. Our tone, what we mean when we say something…my son used to say “stop yelling at me” when I literally was talking in a normal tone.

And as I’ve said, every adolescent is different, and it can be different from one day to the next as to whether they’re triggered or not or whether they can manage their emotions or not. There are so many variables to consider: like where they are when something happens, who they’re with, whether they’re already upset about something, or whether they’re hungry, tired, or sleepy, whether they have ADHD, ASD, anxiety, depression, use substances…so many factors impact the amygdala’s reactivity and the ability of the prefrontal cortex to jump in and help it calm down.

Of course, the behavior your teen exhibits when they’re in fight or flight mode depends on the emotion they experience – whether they’re more angry or more fearful or nervous. You might get anything from smart-ass comments, sulking, or yelling to putting a fist through a wall or screaming and crying. It can be scary and confusing for you and for them. They don’t want to feel out of control like this.

And unfortunately, stress makes the amygdala even more reactive. That makes total sense right? When we’re already stressed out about something, maybe at work or one of our parents is having a health issue, or there’s financial stress…the least little thing can set us off.

Well, this is even more true for adolescents. Their stress not only gives the amygdala a hair trigger, but it also makes it even harder for them to use their prefrontal cortex…to make good decisions, use self-control, or calm themselves down. Can you see how that would be true?

And let me just point out the obvious: your teen is under a tremendous amount of stress. If often-quoted statistics haven’t convinced you of that, their behavior should. If your kid seems to always be in a bad mood, angry or throwing a tantrum, that’s not “bad behavior” it’s a reaction to their environment and the stress they’re under.

Just think about what your teens deal with regarding school alone. They can’t get to sleep until around midnight (that’s a brain thing as well), the have to get up at the crack of dawn with maybe 6 hours of sleep if they’re lucky when they need between 9 and 10. When they get to school they have to somehow will their sleepy brain to listen and think, the phone is a distraction, kids are vaping in the bathrooms, quite possibly offering to sell them drugs, they may even be harassed or bullied, and there’s always friend drama or drama between other kids in the halls.

They don’t have the freedom to go to the bathroom when they need to, nor do they even have time to catch their breath between classes, they usually eat lunch super early and in a hurry, and walking the halls feels like a fashion show runway where everyone’s judging how they look, what they’re wearing, and whether they’re acceptable or not.

 

And when they get home after a totally stressful day, the first thing we do is start asking questions about homework or grades or reminding them of their chores or pressing them for information.

They feel pressure from the school, themselves, possibly from you about their success in school, college admissions, or what they’ll do after high school if not college. They see friends and peers on social media all happy and smiley and having fun, (sometimes without them) and they feel extreme pressure to fit in, to be liked, and to feel happy and normal when maybe they feel anything but.

So, there’s no question your teen has a major amount of stress in their life. Remember this stress may not be the same as your type of stress but they don’t know anything but the life they’ve had in these few years on earth. Stress is relative so you cannot compare your stress to their stress. Theirs is just as real and can be just as debilitating. AND it will cause the amygdala to be triggered even more often.

And this stress can lead to anxiety and even an anxiety disorder. What’s the difference between stress, anxiety and a disorder? Well, stress is caused by those things that are really happening all around us - externally - in the environment – the things I just mentioned for your teens.

But anxiety is about what’s going on inside – it’s an internal state generally caused by worrying about things even when there’s no real external stress going on.

And when someone is anxious, it causes the amygdala to be even more vigilant, more jumpy, just looking for anything to be triggered by…so the more likely it is to make mistakes and cause the fight or flight response over nothing. And the more it’s triggered, the more jumpy it gets, which leads to even more false alarms.

This is how anxiety disorders can develop, as the anxiety persists and the amygdala is triggered easier and easier, it affects your daily life and if this lasts for several months, it’s considered a disorder. Your teen, if they have an anxiety disorder, will feel on edge all the time, like the sky’s going to fall in on them at any moment, like there’s a sense of doom all around. I’ve had an anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember and it’s a horrible, horrible feeling that I didn’t understand until I was in my early 30s. And far too many teens right now feel this way every single day.

I tell you this because teens are wired with this overly sensitive amygdala which makes them prone to this issue, makes them behave like assholes much of the time, and causes us parents to react, not with empathy for what they’re dealing with but with anger and punishment, which just increases the amygdala’s reactivity and can eventually spin into anxiety if they’re not there already.

And anxiety (whether a disorder yet or not) only makes their behavior issues worse – you might see trouble at school, with friends, substance use, even fits of rage…all of this goes hand in hand with anxiety (which by the way, looks a lot like ADHD as well).

By the way, if  you want to dig a little deeper into this information about your teen’s brain you can download my free guide, The Challenging Adolescent Brain…I’ll have the link for you in the episode description.

We have to really soak in this information, and change our mindset about our teen’s behavior to be more empathetic, to understand that so much of a teenager’s behavior is beyond their control because of what’s going on right now in their brain.

Don’t misunderstand…I’m absolutely not saying we overlook their behavior. I’m saying we have to understand it, think about it differently and approach it with more empathy so we can help them with it, rather than being angry with them for having an unfinished brain.

Rather than looking at your teen’s behavior through the lens of “I have to make them stop acting this way”, try, “what is this behavior telling me and how can I help them do better right now?”

You can help them learn to access their prefrontal cortex better and calm their amygdala so they can start being more in control of their emotions and behavior. Later in this series I’ll talk about how you can do that.

But for now, I want you to start looking at their behavior as merely a signal for you to dig deeper and get curious about what’s going on underneath, what is it telling you, how can you help them do better?

At the same time, recognize that they’re not doing it on purpose and that no amount of punishment, consequencing, arguing, or lecturing is going to change their neurobiology.

Just like when they were a baby and they cried, we had to go through that checklist in our mind, (are they hungry, are they wet, are they sleepy, are they overstimulated…) what do they need, how can I help? We didn’t get angry at them or blame them for crying. We knew that was how they communicated distress…their brain wasn’t developmentally able to have them speak to us and tell us what was wrong. Well, it still isn’t there. Your kid still may be a long way from being able to communicate to you what’s wrong other than through their emotionally dysregulated tirades or meltdowns.

I know—they new’s worn off and they’re not as cute and cuddly anymore…they have stinky pits and can be total smart asses…but just like when they were little, they need your empathy, they need you to help decipher their needs, teach them and give the world around them more meaning.

 

So, remind yourself of what they aren’t quite capable of yet. Remind yourself that they’re always stressed, they’re always sleepy or tired - usually hungry and they have a brain that amplifies every tiny little thing in their environment and makes them often feel like they’re walking through a minefield – if they develop anxiety they feel like they’re walking through that minefield blindfolded.

Your kid’s probably not a brat, they’re not entitled or manipulative, or bonkers…they’re an adolescent with a brain that drives this unpleasant behavior, and they’re doing the best they can right now – they need your help, your understanding, and your support.

Most importantly, know that this doesn’t last forever. Somewhere around 18 or 19 things start coming together a little more in the brain, they gradually start being a lot better at using the prefrontal cortex and slowly start acting like a more reasonable human.

Keep that in mind as they’re having their third meltdown of the afternoon.

And don’t forget to download my free guide, The Challenging Adolescent Brain…again, the link’s in the episode description below. And be sure and click this playlist for the rest of the episodes in this Fundamentals of Parenting Teens series when they’re all ready. Next is the third episode in the series, all about another area of their brain…and this one can make them do some really idiotic stuff. Subscribe so you don’t miss it. See you next time, thanks so much for being here.