How would you describe your home environment? Is it calm? Are there daily routines? Are their opportunities for quiet alone time for everyone?

For a couple of years there our home life was completely off the rails. Lots of arguing, yelling, and nothing was routine.

Maybe your home isn’t quite that bad but would you describe it as calm?

Or does it feel more chaotic, noisy, or disorganized.

Research has shown that overwhelming household chaos for extended periods has a detrimental effect on adolescents including increasing the possibilities of depression and substance use.

Don’t go anywhere…because today I’m going to explain 5 ways you can create a calmer home environment with your teen and why that’s more important than you think.

At a time when kids are already going through major physical and neurobiological changes that increase their emotional reactivity and dysregulation, any extra stress increases the risk of mental and emotional health problems.

And teens are under a great deal of stress outside the home.

There’s pressure to make good grades, get into college, please their romantic partner, maintain their status among friends, post the best selfies, maintain their Snap streaks…it’s a lot.

So, it’s truly crucial for your teen’s wellbeing that their home is a refuge, where they feel safe and at peace, where things are predictable, calm, and structured.

Let’s jump into 5 ways that you can reduce the chaos in your home, and therefore, reduce your teen’s stress and decrease their potential for mental and emotional issues. Stay right there.

Alright, I’ll start with something that many parents have a hard time with—being on the same page with your spouse regarding parenting. And for now, I’m just talking about the partner you live with, whether that’s the teen’s other parent or not (but I’ll refer to them as “parent”).

I’ll bet 95% of disagreements between couples who have a teen in the home, center around parenting that teen.

I’ve certainly experienced this in my own marriage when our son was struggling in high school. Our inability to agree about how to handle his behavior nearly drove my husband and I completely apart.

Maybe one parent is more demanding and the other is more gentle (as in our case – and I wasn’t the gentle one) or perhaps one is more rigid and inflexible and the other is more fair minded.

For example, maybe you’re adamant that your teen should be at home by 8 pm on school nights and your spouse thinks 10 pm is just fine or they just don’t care that much either way so you get no back-up on the issue.

Or maybe your spouse doesn’t want your teen to date until they’re 16 and you believe 14 is old enough. Or you think drinking alcohol is not that big of a deal as long as your teen is responsible and your spouse says “over my dead body”.

Even little issues like when to do homework or whether the bedroom needs to be kept a certain way – if you’re not on the same page and don’t approach the issue the same way, there will be contention that creates a more chaotic atmosphere in your home. I don’t have to tell you that.

And I know there never seems to be a good time to discuss these issues to try and come to terms. Life is busy and when you’re not busy, who wants to bring up something that could lead to an argument, right?

But here’s the thing; it’s already causing contention and confusion in your home so it must be addressed.

Agree on a time to talk, alone, away from the kids, without distractions. Each of you should make a list of the issues you want to discuss. And you may not get through them all in one meeting. That’s okay – baby steps.

When you approach this conversation be sure and do it in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory way. Remember that you have a difference of opinion, that doesn’t mean one of you is right and the other is wrong.

You can start the conversation with an “I statement”. For example, “I feel really anxious about Jayden being out later than 8 pm on a school night because he never seems to be able to finish his homework if he gets in later than that. And those zeros on homework are really bringing down his GPA.”

Then respectfully listen to what they have to say in response. Try to understand their point of view and acknowledge how they feel about it. You can do this by summarizing what they’ve said, ask them if you got it right and then say something like, “I get that you feel they’re old enough to make their own mistakes and live with the consequences”.

Don’t add any “buts” and don’t insist things go your way.

From here, ask them to brainstorm with you to see if you can figure out a way to somehow meet in the middle – perhaps both of you can feel satisfied that you’re doing right by your kid.

At the very least, if you can’t agree on a middle ground, you could agree to divide these specific issues between you.

Perhaps you could handle the issues you feel most strongly about and they could handle the ones they feel most strongly about, with the other agreeing to back the other parent up or simply stay out of those issues altogether.

If you can’t work through these issues, it would be a good idea to find a family therapist to help you work through them for your family’s sake. You simply have to get past it.

The second way you can relieve some stress and chaos in the family is to develop systems or procedures and stick with them.

When everyone in the family knows what’s expected and how things are supposed to go, it makes life so much easier—you’ll have fewer disagreements and the home will run so much smoother.

Think about it—a family is a lot like any other organization—you have leaders and a group of people who have to work together in a systematized fashion to generate some sort of positive outcome…whether that’s a net profit or emotionally and mentally healthy kids.

And if people (whether that’s kids or parents) are falling apart…there’s arguing, yelling, or meltdowns on a regular basis about certain things, it’s time to put those systems in place.

I’m talking about rules, procedures, policies, whatever you want to call them, that will allow everyone in the family to feel like their lives are more predictable and less out of control.

I can still remember when I was growing up and my dad drove us to school in the mornings on the way to work, how awful it was. I don’t remember the specific issues, but I can remember, all the way up through the 10^th grade being upset and angry every morning before school. I remember my parents arguing about how it was always chaos before school (they were arguing about arguing) but nothing ever changed. And my nervous system was jacked up on a regular basis because of the chaos.

We didn’t have a lot of rules at my house. It was pretty loosey goosey. And although I’m sure they tried to provide structure, often it didn’t feel that way.

And that’s what we all need – especially kids (even teens). We all crave structure.

Address the issues that cause the most meltdowns and family strife. Hold a family meeting when everyone is calm.

Now I’m not going to talk about the merits or specific components of family meetings here. Right now, I just want to talk about how to meet and find solutions for issues that are causing stress for the whole family.

I would address one issue in a meeting of under 20 minutes if at all possible. Let everyone know in advance that you want to have a quick meeting to discuss whatever it is…because you want to come up with a plan going forward that allows everyone to be more calm in the moment.

For example, every Thursday your 14-year-old has a soccer game and everyone needs to be ready and in the car by 5:30, yet every week there’s a mad dash to find her uniform, eat something, get the younger sibling off the video games and ready to go…and it’s always an anxiety-ridden fiasco that ends in frustration and yelling.

You can start the meeting with something like, “Mom and I feel really frustrated every Thursday when we’re all rushing around trying to get out the door on time for the game. And we know it’s just as nerve-wracking for you two. Why don’t we start by talking about what frustrates us about Thursdays and then we can try and figure out how to make it better, Carson, why don’t you start?”

Now, if you’ve never had this type of family meeting, they may prefer that you start. You can model using “I statements” and talking about what it is about Thursdays that just don’t work for you.

As each family member talks, be sure that you’re paying attention and listening fully, that one of you is summarizing what the kids say and validating how they feel about it.

This is a key part of the process—especially for teens—because it shows them you’re trying to understand where they’re coming from and supporting their autonomy.

After everyone’s put their cards on the table about anxious Thursdays, then you suggest brainstorming to try and come up with a plan moving forward that would alleviate as much of each person’s stress and frustration as possible.

You may also need to do a little modeling here if you’ve never done this with your teen or younger kids before. Offer a suggestion – if they don’t like it they’ll be suggesting their own immediately.

Write everyone’s suggestions down, give your own, don’t say no or put anyone’s ideas down. Talk things through, negotiate, try to agree on a plan going forward, write it down, and try it next week.

Also, ask your teen how they’d like to be reminded of this plan. Do they want a verbal reminder, post it notes or a text? You want to avoid giving off a nagging vibe if you can avoid it.

Next week, try and tackle another issue or if the new system didn’t work out Thursday, address that first in your meeting. These meetings can help everyone feel heard and understood and give much more insight into what’s actually going on.

The third way to cut way back on the chaos and contention in the family is to speak to everyone with respect.

It’s a simple rule of thumb that can be totally forgotten in the heat of the moment.

Now, whoa…before you go saying, “well they don’t talk to me with respect”…yes, I know that’s often true.

But to that I’ll just say, please go back and listen to episodes 130-134 of the podcast to help you understand why teens think, feel, and act the way they do so you can regulate your emotions about it a bit better. (I’ll link to those episodes in the show notes).

You’re the adult in this relationship and as the adult, you have to act like one. Just because your kids act a certain way, certainly doesn’t mean you should.

As a matter of fact, quite the opposite. When your 17-year-old’s having a meltdown, you have to remain calm. When they’re being disrespectful you have to be respectful.

Their brain doesn’t function like yours and it won’t until they’re in their mid to late 20s. So, the best ways to get them to treat you with more respect is to treat them with more respect.

This is much harder to do when you’re feeling triggered or emotionally dysregulated so do not engage with them with that’s the case. This should be a hard and fast family rule—"we don’t engage when we’re too upset to think straight”.

You can always take a break and come back later when everyone’s calm.

Another simple hack is to always speak to your teen like you would speak to a friend or colleague—another adult.

Your teen feels like an adult, they want to be listened to, they want you to understand where they’re coming from, they want to be treated with the same respect as an adult.

A condescending tone, a hint of sarcasm in your voice, giving them a command, or demanding that something happen, or telling them the way something’s going to be…this is a recipe for chaos.

Now I know this sounds like I’m telling you to walk on eggshells, but that’s not it at all.

First, the teen brain interprets things more negatively than children or adults do. Their brain makes mistakes about tone and expression and body language. I’m sure you’ve seen this – “stop yelling at me” when you haven’t yelled at all.

So, all I’m telling you is to simply pretend that you’re talking to another adult. If you wouldn’t say, “get over here and pick this up right now” to your best friend, don’t say it to your 17-year-old. If you wouldn’t say, “what is it about those stupid videos that keeps you glued to Tic Toc?” to a colleague, don’t say it to your 15-year-old.

It’s not about walking on eggshells—it’s about simple dignity and respect.

The 4^th thing that will help you reduce chaos in the home is to recognize when it’s your problem and not your teen’s.

A friend with a young adult daughter with OCD was telling me this morning that her daughter was furious with her younger brother because he was sick. She hates germs, has a real issue with germs, goes around with a can of Lysol in hand when someone’s sick, wants them to wear a mask, live in a separate part of the house…that kind of thing.

And just this morning when her brother was walking out of the bathroom while she was coming down the hall, she yelled at him for being “disgusting” and never washing his hands and making himself sick (and therefore putting her at risk).

Her mom was telling me that her daughter has no recognition that this is her problem and not her brother’s. She’s taking no responsibility for her OCD, her own issues, and laying all the blame at his feet…for being “disgusting”, which is causing a huge stir in the household and making everyone anxious and upset.

Now, maybe you don’t have OCD, but perhaps there are specific things that rub you the wrong way, that you wig out about, which makes everyone else in the home walk on those eggshells.

For example, my dad would make everyone in the house anxious about leaving anything sitting around…especially clothes in our bedroom floor. If there was a piece of clothing in the floor, he’d interrupt whatever we were doing to shove it in our face and ask, “is this clean or dirty”? Clothes were either to be in the hamper or hanging in the closet. Period. And it was a nightmare for my brother and me when we were teenagers.

I had a friend growing up who’s mom would get angry if they didn’t take the hand towel and dry the bathroom sink out every time they washed their hands.

Think about these things that you feel so strongly about. Are they causing stress in the home? Are they really that critical? Is it something that’s dangerous, unhealthy, unethical, illegal, or likely to close some door in their future? If not, then you need to chill out about it.

Generational trauma isn’t the only thing that harms kids. We pass down habits and phobias and hang ups as well and we cause so much unnecessary stress. It’s not fair.

Take a hard look at the issues causing problems, arguments, meltdowns (for you or your teen) and ask yourself if it’s really just your problem. Take responsibility for your issues, don’t throw them off on your kid just so they can do the same when they have kids.

Now, last, number 5, is something else you may not even be aware of. You need to accept your teen for who they are right now

Mick Jagger was right—we don’t always get what we want. That’s certainly the case when it comes to our kids.

The problem is, we don’t know what it’s going to be like when they get older, so we concoct this movie reel in our mind.

How magical our relationship will be. How popular or athletic, or academically gifted, or community driven or handsome or pretty they’ll be.

Don’t say you didn’t have these ideas – we all do to some extent. Perhaps not consciously, but down deep it’s all there. Often based on our own accomplishments or failures in adolescence.

The problem is, it’s pretty rare when our ideas about who our kids will be, actually turn out to be true.

And then what happens?

We’re disappointed on some level—even if subconsciously. We may even grieve a bit depending on the situation.

And these thoughts and emotions effect our behavior…the way we respond to our teen.

We may not always come right out and verbalize disappointment, but on some level we could be expressing it, which could have enormously negative consequences in your everyday interactions with our teen (not to mention your long term relationship).

Maybe you say, “are you sure there’s no one else you want to invite to the movies for your birthday?” after they’ve already told you they just want that ONE true friend.

Or you suggest highlights for their hair, braces for their teeth or a makeover at the mall when they complain that they don’t have a boyfriend.

Or you insist on extra batting practice or hire a coach to help them with their lay-ups when they aren’t getting any play in the game.

You’re not coming out and saying, “I wish you were more popular, pretty, or athletic”, but they’ll definitely get that message…and it will not go over well.

These ideas about how they should be will pop out all the time one way or another and they’ll feel like you’re “nagging”, “calling them a loser”, or “criticizing them” and there will be constant arguments, and it may even lead to purposeful rebellion against what you’re trying to do.

This is really another version of “is this your problem or their problem?”

Work on accepting your teen for who they are at this moment in time, understanding that many of their personality traits are still developing, they’re still trying to figure out who they are, they need you to give them the space to explore, make mistakes, and decide for themselves.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly changed a lot since high school.

Focus on your teen’s positive qualities. Tell them how proud you are that they’re kind, tolerant, artistic, musical, whatever it is that makes them, them.

They’re already down on themselves as it is—negativity reigns during adolescence. They need to know that you, of all people, see the wonderful person they are and aren’t trying to make them into something they aren’t.

Now, I’ll admit that all 5 of these tips require a higher level of awareness or recognition of your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. And many of us have a hard time with that. I know I wasn’t very good at it for years. Introspection is hard.

But it’s also quite necessary if you want to be the best parent you can be.

If you have a hard time slowing down and considering how you might be contributing to the chaos and contention in your home, it might do you a world of good to see a therapist, read a self-help book, take a parenting course, or get some coaching.

Ask your spouse what they see. Allow them to be honest without backlash. You might be uncomfortable trying to change the way you think, feel, or act, but you’re an adult and you can handle it...and the rest of your family will appreciate it so much.

Alright, that wraps up another episode of Speaking of Teens. If you’re new here, thanks for popping in and I hope you come back for more – there’s over 200 episodes for you to dip into. And if you’re an SOT OG, thank you so much as always for listening and sharing.

One last thing: I have a favor to ask, can you please, if you’re listening on Spotify or Apple, give the show a 5-start rating and even write a review in Apple if you will. It just helps other parents know the show is definitely worth checking out.

Okay…until next week, be sure to try and connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.