For several years now—since COVID school lockdowns—the instances of kids and teens simply refusing to go to school have increased exponentially…but it’s certainly not a new phenomenon.

Back in 2017, when my son was going into the 11th grade – he missed the entire first week of school. No amount of coaxing or pleading from us was going to get him there.

Out of sheer luck, we already had an appointment scheduled with an adolescent psychologist and somehow she said some magic words to him at the end of that week that got him back in school the next.

We were extremely lucky.

School refusal or avoidance or school related phobia or anxiety…whatever you want to call it, is a major problem for so many kids and teens.

Up to around 5% of all kids experience it…but for kids between age 13 and 18, it jumps to around 25% according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

And parents, like you and me, feel helpless to do anything about it.

So I want to help you understand what’s going on here and what you can do about it.

Let’s start with the fact that school refusal is based in emotional or even physical distress.

It’s not that your kid is being lazy or would just rather stay home than go to school.

If your kid is refusing to go to school, it’s because of a real emotional problem they’re experiencing that they feel helpless to overcome.

Let me say that again…they cannot help the distress they feel – whether it’s simply emotional or additional physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea – any number of issues.

These physical symptoms are very real and caused by the way they are thinking and feeling about going to school.

They’re not making it up and they can’t just make it stop.

Decades ago, researchers distinguished the phenomenon of school refusal from mere truancy.

Truancy is just a case of not wanting to go to school because they’d rather be doing something else (think Ferris Bueller) – it’s not an emotional or physiological reaction.

But if you either cannot physically get your kid go to school—there’s arguing, crying, screaming, and it just isn’t going to happen…but otherwise they’re just fine…this is a classic case of school refusal and not mere truancy.

In some cases, you may even manage to get them to go to school, but they’re finding ways to get back home (in my son’s case, he just walked out a couple of times).

This is no joke and I get how hard it is for you. All therapists will tell you not to allow them to stay home, that facing the fear is the way to go…but when you’re trying to get a kid who outweighs you by 50 pounds to get out of bed…well, good luck, right?!

You can’t do what you can’t do.

So, what causes this “emotional problem” that’s preventing your teen from getting to school (or staying there)?

The root cause usually boils down to some sort of anxiety issue.

It could be social anxiety, where they feel out of place, awkward, overly embarrassed, like they don’t fit in with the other kids and can’t stand feeling like they have no one to talk to or sit with at lunch.

It’s a horrible feeling that most of us can at least partially relate to.

And this is SO much worse during adolescence – their whole world revolves around being accepted and fitting in—it’s an evolutionary priority and it truly feels like life and death for your teen.

This anxiety is VERY real—they cannot just suck it up and get over it.

Or your kid may have a learning difference, ADHD or other development disorder—diagnosed, or undiagnosed.

These issues are extremely anxiety provoking for many teens because they feel so different from their classmates at a time when fitting in is all they want to do.

They also may just have a harder time keeping up and once they get behind and feel overwhelmed it’s easier to just avoid the issue altogether.

Specifically, being bullied and picked on has been shown to lead to school refusal.

So, if your kid is different in any way, they’re at higher risk for refusing to go to school.

Also, transition periods make it more difficult for kids and may cause school refusal.

For example, going from elementary school to middle school or from middle school to high school or changing schools in the middle of the year.

Any major life transition can spur major anxiety, which can cause a kid to avoid going to school.

It’s also been shown that kids who have other psychological or social disorders or those where the family is experiencing issues, will probably be more vulnerable to the issue.

For example, parents going through divorce, or a major illness in the family, or an economic hardship, like the loss of a job.

Any sort of major stressor for your teen can create this anxious avoidant behavior.

And of course, the school atmosphere in general can be a hotbed of anxiety for many kids. It’s stressful, boring, and generally antithetical to promoting curiosity and a love of learning (in my opinion).

I don’t at all miss sitting at a tiny desk all day and listening to someone talk about things I have no interest in and will never need to know, do you?

There’s simply not much about going to middle or high school that improves a teen’s mental health…yet most states still don’t allow mental health days off for students.

And, of course, if you’re going through this with your kid, you know that the way the school handles your kid’s refusal to attend class can make it even worse on both you and your teen.

Many schools are really good at sending out the truancy letters, the emails, the auto-alerts, making the phone calls to tell you it’s time to get your kid back in school…yet there’s usually no offer of support or a solution on the other side of all that blaming and shaming and threatening.

It’s like they think we’re just sitting around twiddling our thumbs and don’t care that our teenager has dug their heels in and just won’t go.

And what happens when the school treats us like a criminal? When we feel like we’re being called in on the carpet? It just intensifies OUR anxiety about it all—freaks us out—makes us feel like we HAVE to do something right this minute to get them back to school.

That has a definitive negative impact on the whole situation because the more stressed and anxious you are about it, the more forceful and authoritarian you’re going to be with your teen.

YOU get threatened, so you turn around and threaten THEM.

And all that’s going to get you is a major power struggle, lots of animosity and disconnection between you and your teen…not cooperation.

What about school psychologists, social workers, and school counselors—where are they in all of this? Aren’t they supposed to help our kids when they’re having a hard time?

Well, it simply depends on the school.

According to national minimum professional standards in the US, a school should have one social worker and one school counselor for every 250 students, and one school psychologist for every 500 students.

But a report from 2022 called “America’s School Mental Health Report Card” took a hard look at the actual ratios.

Only 2 states met the standard of 1 school psychologist per 500 students. The ratios for most states were abysmal, with the majority of states having one school psychologist for well over 1,000 students and in many it was several thousand.

As for social workers, not 1 state in 2022 (which is the most recent report) met the ratio of 1 social worker per 250 students. Again, in many states it’s one social worker for several thousand students.

And only a couple of US states met the minimum professional standard of one school counselor for every 250 students.

As a matter of fact, the American School Counselors Association says only 1 in 5 high school students in the US attends a school with the recommended number of counselors (which could mean they attend a school without a counselor – period, like students in my small town.)

And even if your kid’s school does have a school counselor, they may not understand school refusal (because they’re generally not trained on it) or they’re much too busy with college guidance, or working with students, teachers, and parents on 504 and IEP plans, or even doing other administrative tasks not in their job description (which is not their fault).

But it still means that if your teen is experiencing anxiety and school refusal, you’re probably going to have to take matters into your own hands.

If your school DOES have a counselor, social worker, or psychologist, you can certainly START there.

But if you don’t get immediate and meaningful help, you should try teachers, school administrators, and even move on to the school board if necessary.

You may get lucky though. A friend of mine with an 11-year-old with major school refusal had fantastic luck working with his school last year. The teachers were wonderfully understanding, the counselor would even come out to the car to help him get out and walk into school with him each morning.

The counselor would let him start his day in her office and slowly transition into the classroom.

Another example, one of our Parent Camp members had a teenager with school refusal, which was likely because she had ADHD and had fallen behind in her classes—way behind—and she felt she could never catch up so she was just avoiding it.

 

Mom called the school and talked to everyone she could and got them to work with her daughter on getting through that pile of work and she ended up getting through that school year.

You don’t know until you reach out and ask how they can help. And it’s okay to be a bit aggressive about it too.

Don’t be a people pleaser.

This is your kid we’re talking about. You can do that. It’s okay.

I know some of us feel like we’re back in school ourselves and it can be intimidating. Just keep reminding yourself…you already graduated, you’re a real adult now, you can do this.

Also, remember that every kid is different. The solution is going to stem from the root issue.

And figuring that out is sometimes pretty difficult if your teen won’t open up to you...which is often the case if you’ve been embroiled in a power struggle for days, weeks, or even months about going to school.

You’ve got to get curious about why they’re adamant about not going to school. Are they anxious and if so, is it something going on at school that the school can help with?

You may also be able to take extra measures. If your teen is not already under an IEP, their school avoidance may qualify them for an IEP that will then allow special services to help with their anxiety.

In the US, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) mandates that all kids with what the law defines as a “disability” receive “a free appropriate public education in the least restrictive environment”.

This means your child’s school must provide certain services for your teen including an Individualized Education Program or IEP and certain procedural safeguards for both you and your teen.

You need to read up on all of this-I’ll provide a link below (or in the show notes if you’re listening to the audio only).

Now this list of “disabilities” that qualifies a kid under the IDEA includes one they call “emotional disturbance”.

I know, that sounds very dramatic and scary but it just means that your kid’s having a hard time emotionally – that’s all.

This is not a diagnosis of “emotional disturbance”.

As a matter of fact, the school simply does an evaluation to see if your kid exhibits one or more of a list of characteristics that impacts their ability to receive the education they are entitled to by law.

You may want to have an independent neuropsychological evaluation done for your own purposes, but the school must conduct one of its own.

Here are those characteristics – they just need one:

an inability to learn not explained by intellectual, sensory, or health factors;

an inability to build or maintain satisfactory interpersonal relationships;

inappropriate behavior or feelings;

a general pervasive mood of unhappiness or depression;

or a tendency to develop physical symptoms or fears associated with personal or school problems.

 

Again, just one or more of these symptoms will earn them an IEP and specialized services.

If they have depression, then “a general pervasive mood of unhappiness or depression” covers that.

And that last one, “a tendency to develop physical symptoms or fears associated with personal or school problems” will likely cover any anxiety issues.

If for some reason they don’t qualify for an IEP, they may qualify for a 504 plan under the category of “Other health impairment”.

Now, I’m not going to get into all the differences between an IEP and a 504, I’m sure plenty of other people have done that.

This is something you’re going to need to research a bit and talk to your school about but if you don’t feel like you’re making headway really fast, you may consider hiring a professional advocate or attorney to help you. (I’ll drop a link below and in the show notes for Wright’s Law, a very comprehensive website about all things educational law)

Now, just because you’re talking about getting an IEP or 504, that’s probably not going to help that much with the underlying problem of anxiety or depression. Your kid could still refuse to go to school.

So, to make a dent in the issue, you’re going likely need professional help (sooner rather than later).

Cognitive behavioral therapy, more commonly known as CBT, is the recommended treatment for school refusal. A therapist or even a psychologist will work with your teen on several different levels to help get them back to school.

If you can get in to see someone who specializes in working with teens and have them work with them even twice a week at first, that could speed up the process.

They may also meet with you and even talk to your kid’s teachers or at least have them fill out questionnaires.

And don’t forget that many therapists now work virtually so this could be easier to set up than you think.

They’ll use psychoeducation (meaning, they’ll explain to your teen how their brain is creating this anxiety), they’ll teach them different tools to deal with it, like relaxation techniques, and teach them how to challenge their negative thoughts.

And if they’re properly trained in a component of CBT called ERP or Exposure and Response Prevention therapy, they can help them get used to the things about school that make them nervous…gradually.

A therapist or psychologist may even suggest going to a psychiatrist to see if a medication may be helpful.

In many cases they may be prescribed an SSRI like Prozac, which has been shown to help even more when combined with therapy.

I will say that CBT has been shown to be much more helpful in kids prior to reaching puberty.

That’s likely because of all the major neurobiological changes that kick in at puberty.

These changes cause all sorts of side effects for their thoughts, feelings, and behavior that make them less likely to want to cooperate with parents (unless we know how to adjust our parenting).

If you have a hard time getting your teen to therapy or need some tips on discussing it with them, I have a couple of links for you below the video (or in the show notes if you’re listening to the podcast)

In the meantime, try to be as empathetic and understanding as you can be about your teen’s refusal to go to school. Stay as calm as possible, reach out to the school, don’t be intimidated, ask them to help you get to the heart of the problem and if there’s something they can do about it, ask them to do it. Talk to them about an IEP or a 504 for extra help, but get your kid to a good therapist who can help them deal with the underlying emotional issue.

That wraps up another episode of Speaking of Teens. Thank you so much for listening today. Please share the episode with anyone you know who may be dealing with this issue. And hang in there with your teen if you’re going through it yourself – you can do this.

Until next time, remember to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.