If you have an anxious teen, it can be so difficult to know how to help them when they’re expressing that anxiety. What do you do, what do you say?

Welcome to episode number 3 in my series on teen anxiety. In the first episode (#215) I addressed the signs of symptoms of an anxiety disorder and how they manifest in teens. In the second episode - #216 – I addressed the who, what ,when, and where of diagnosis and treatment, including the specifics of therapy and medication.

And today, I want to talk to you about the ways you can actually help your teen, whether they’re just anxious about something or have an anxiety disorder. Don’t go anywhere, this episode may help you make a real difference for your teen.

PODCAST INTRO

I think one of the worst parts about anxiety for a teen is not understanding what’s happening to them, why they feel the way they do, not being able to articulate it or help themselves. I know from personal experience, this can be really scary.

They may not associate the physiological feelings like fast heartbeat, hot face, trembling…with being nervous – they may interpret those feelings with being physically ill, may associate it with another emotion, or may simply be confused about what they’re feeling.

If they have more intense physical symptoms of anxiety like headaches, stomachaches, reflux, or dissociation, it’s very doubtful they will understand this is related to anxiety…they may think something is really wrong with them which can make the anxiety worse. And they certainly won’t understand the neurological underpinnings of what’s going on. All of which is extremely important for them to get – because once they do, it will be much less scary, and they’ll be able to address the anxiety directly.

You’ll need to have this discussion with them when both of you are calm – not when they’re actually experiencing anxiety. That’s why, in the free parenting guide, I have a simple way for you to explain this to your teenager. Knowing why and how anxiety happens in their brain can help them to stay calmer in the moment. So, be sure and grab that download through the show notes—it’s called Your Teen and Anxiety.

Now, it can also be really scary as a parent to see your kid being so anxious or responding in an oversized way to a minor issue (or no issue at all that you can detect). That’s one reason understanding the signs of anxiety is so important, which is what we discussed in episode 215.

And there are some basic tools that your teen may be willing to allow you to teach them if they are not yet seeing a therapist for help. These tools help with run of the mill anxiety—not just an anxiety disorder so they’re great for anyone to know.

Recall that the brain and body’s anxiety response is called fight or flight. The brain releases cortisol and adrenaline and sends it throughout the brain and body when the amygdala’s alarm is triggered. This can cause physiological responses including shallow breathing, increased heart rate, feeling flush, sweaty, etc.

A simple breathing exercise can often turn this alarm off (or at least turn it down) and return the body to a state of rest or calm.

Now, some people are resistant to breathing exercises, for different reasons and it may not work at first – it can take some practice. So, see if they’re open to trying it at least a few times.

I recommend explaining to them why a breathing exercise can help and showing them how to do it, when they’re not anxious. There are tons of different breathing exercises and I’ll give you a link to a description of 8 different ones in the show notes.

The one I used with my son (and that he found helpful) is called square breathing (or you may see it referred to as box breathing) and I have a link to a short video to explain this visually.

But it’s really simple – you just breathe in through the nose to the count of 4, hold for 4, breath out through the mouth for 4 and hold for 4 – keep repeating until they feel calmer. If they’ll let you, have them place their hands in yours and do it with them. This way you get a double dose of feel good chemicals since gentle touch releases the calming brain chemical, oxytocin.

The exhale is the most important part of any breath exercise because it engages the parasympathetic nervous system, which restores the body to a calm state. Also remember, you want to teach them to do breathing exercises slowly (some people go too fast, which may cause them to hyperventilate and feel even worse).

Another in the moment tool you can teach them to use, is called grounding , which can help them divert their attention from their worrisome or negative thoughts or their physiological responses long enough to move them into a calmer state.

There are tons of ways to ground oneself and I’ll give you a link to a great website, but the most common technique is called 5-4-3-2-1 and it’s based on the 5 senses. Remember, you need to show them how to do this when they’re not anxious.

Have them start 5-4-3-2-1 by sitting down and taking a couple of deep breaths  in through the nose and out through the mouth - then begin. They can start with any of the 5 senses, and work their way through each one, out loud if they’re in a place they can do that (or to themselves if not).

Here’s how it works, for example, they could start by naming 5 things they can see, then 4 things they can feel (like the ground beneath their feet, their shirt, the chair they’re sitting in, even their hair, then 3 things they can hear (like birds, a car, music), 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste (they may have to get up for that one—but that’s helpful too).

Tell them to keep repeating it, from the beginning, naming different things each time – until they feel calmer.

Another example of grounding is color spotting—basically playing a game of “I spy” by yourself. Name a color and see how many things you can describe from where you’re sitting, that are that color. Be detailed in your description.

A third example is watching an ice cube melt in your hand or crunching ice or dipping your face in ice water.

All of these breathing and grounding exercises are a form of mindfulness. A way to bring the mind back into the present moment – of focusing on nothing but right here, right now A mindfulness practice is one of the best strategies against anxiety. If you want to learn a little about it, I have a free download called Emotional Awareness Strategies that I’ll link to in the show notes, with plenty of free resources.

Remember that you can’t force these techniques on your teen, this needs to be a conversation where you ask them if they’d like your help and then offer these suggestions or give them links to resources. Let them decide if it’s helpful for them or not. Arguing about it will certainly not help.

So those are tools you can teach them to use with you or even when you’re not around. But they may not always be open to using a tool in the moment or they may forget or it may not be convenient. So, what else can you do when your teen’s anxious and expressing some big emotions—they’re emotionally dysregulated. Well, it depends on just how dysregulated they are. If they’re completely irrational, acting out in anger, and are not in a state where you think you can engage with them, (or if you think you’ll become dysregulated) it’s better to separate and tell them you’ll come back and check on them later.

But if it’s at all possible, you should stay with them and try to help them calm down. Not by telling them to, but by emotion coaching them.

I will tell you that by far, this is the most critical skill you can learn—not just for parenting a teen with anxiety but for a teen with any issue or no issue at all. Because they all express big emotions—some just much bigger or more often than others.

You’re really going to need to remember this when you have a teen with anxiety. I talk about emotion coaching in episodes 6, 78, 95, and 135 and I’ll link to a free parenting guide called Emotion Coaching in the Show notes.  Emotion coaching accomplishes several things all at once if done correctly. It helps you and your teen become more emotionally connected, it helps them learn to be more aware of their emotions, it helps calm them, and helps them learn to calm themselves when they’re upset, and it helps them learn to problem solve. All skills they have a hard time with right now because of their still-growing brain.

I go into detail in these other resources but let me give you the very brief version. You’re going to listen calmly and then reflect what they said by summarizing it and asking them if you have it right. You’re going to validate their feelings by using the word that describes their emotions, give them a gentle touch if they’ll accept it and ask if they’d like your help to solve whatever problem they have. There are all sorts of nuances to this depending on the situation, but this is the general idea. Again, consult those other resources.

Now, you may have noticed I said you have to listen to them calmly. That’s right, a prerequisite to you being able to pull this emotion coaching off, is that you must be able to remain calm, yourself. You have to be emotionally aware and regulated. Let’s talk about that.

All teens, but especially an anxious teen, needs a calm, empathetic, and supportive environment. One in which neither parent is compounding the problem with own fear or anxiety, trying to control the situation, or fix everything.

Anxiety thrives in a chaotic, controlling, stressful, or negative environment. Stable, calm, safe, supportive, and confident—those are the adjectives you want to be able to use to describe your home…especially when you have an anxious teenager.

They need to know when their inner world is in turmoil, that their external environment is just the opposite…the calm in their storm, the great big hug that tells them everything will be okay. That’s the feeling they need to have at home and around you and the rest of the family. And they need to see that you have faith in them that they’ll be okay and can handle the situation with your support. That they’re resilient and can face whatever comes their way.

I compare it to being afraid of flying and looking at the flight attendants every time there’s a noise or a bit of turbulence to see their reaction. If they don’t look panicked, we feel pretty sure we’re safe—that the plan’s going to stay in the air. If they’re okay, we’re okay. But if we see them running to strap into the jump seat, we know it’s time to panic, right? You are your teen’s flight attendant in this scenario. If you need oxygen, you take a break, calm down and come back. If you’re freaking out on the inside, you stay calm on the outside. You do what you have to do to maintain that calm and stable environment—it’s your job.

So, you have to work on your stress – your anxiety – your negative self-talk. This is paramount to being a good parent, much less a good parent to an anxious kid.

Studies show that stress is contagious – especially from mothers to kids (the studies are always on mothers-sorry). And stress increases your anxiety and makes you a more reactive parent, creates a less stable environment, with fewer supports that feels less safe and more stressful to your kid--an anxious atmosphere where their anxiety will flourish. I have many episodes I’ll link to in the show notes on this topic.

Beyond becoming more emotionally aware and regulated, there are several other things you can do or avoid doing that can help decrease their stress level and anxiety:

Autonomy Support

Something that obviously causes stress is conflict, arguments, and power struggles between you and your teen. Learning to support your teen’s autonomy and avoid threatening their autonomy is, overall, the best way to decrease all the conflict and the negativity, which increases stress and anxiety. I’ve talked about how critically important your teen’s autonomy is to them on many occasions so I’ll link to those episodes in the show notes. Generally speaking, your teen feels more like an adult than a child now and has a deep need to be treated with the same respect. They want more control over their life, they want to make more of their own decisions, and want to be heard, seen, and appreciated. The way you engage with your teen will often threaten their autonomy so you have to learn different ways of thinking about, communicating with, and disciplining them.

Another strategy to help them feel less stressed or anxious is to remind your teen of their positive qualities any time you can. Help them combat their negative thinking by noticing when they do something well, or nice, or do what they should without being asked – don’t just say thank you or that was nice. Say something like, “I love how you’re so kind to little kids” or “Boy, you really worked hard on that project”, or “I really enjoy our rides home from school in the afternoon”. Don’t assume they know you think these things—they don’t. They need to hear that they’re kind, loyal, helpful, or loving.

We spend far too much time correcting, instructing, and directing. They need to hear what they do well as often as possible—as long as it’s sincere and you’re not overdoing it.

Another thing we spend too much time doing—especially if we’re a worrier or are anxious ourselves—drawing their attention to what we think they’re worried about. For example, if you know they’ve been feeling left out by friends, don’t ask them every day who they sat with at lunch or whether they talked to so and so or what plans they’ve made for the weekend. Doing this emphasizes what they’re anxious about and calls attention to it at the same time is shows them you’re worried about this as well! Instead, let them know you’re there if they need to talk and acknowledge their feelings about the situation, and ask if they’d like your advice or help. But hovering and worrying only shows them you lack faith in them to manage the situation.

Remember stress is contagious—be their calming presence instead.

Finally, one of the most important things you can do for your teen to help them through their anxiety is to not accommodate their avoidance.

I mentioned in the previous 2 episodes that avoidance is one of the easiest ways for someone to cope with their anxiety. If you can avoid the thing that makes you anxious, you can avoid feeling anxious. Avoid 5^th period algebra, avoid going out with friends, avoid the kid down the street.

And most parents – actually between 95 and 100% of parents – accommodate avoidance practices in their anxious kids and teens. And who can blame us, right? We accommodated our son’s anxiety constantly when he was growing up—we were avoiding meltdowns and crying episodes. Later we were avoiding his anger or stomach aches or throwing up. His anxiety made me nervous, and I did whatever I could to avoid both.

Had I understood that avoidance only makes anxiety worse, I wouldn’t’ have done it nearly as much. The first time someone told me that I thought it was just cruel to try and get a kid to do something that made them anxious. I thought it was crazy. It’s hard to see our kids upset. But we’re doing them a disservice by allowing them to bow out of that play or quit the soccer team or stay home from school…if we can avoid it. When they’re teenagers, of course, we can’t force them to do anything. They’re way too big to pick up and take to practice or school if they don’t want to go. That’s another reason why getting that diagnoses, getting them into therapy, and learning what you can do to help is so very important. If they’re in therapy with a therapist properly trained in Exposure and Response Prevention or ERP, they will also be working with them on these issues so it’s not totally in your lap.

Anxiety is a beast and the beast feels much calmer when we avoid the things that are uncomfortable or uncertain. But if we allow that beast to call the shots, we prevent our kids from learning that they can, in fact, handle the uncomfortable or uncertain, that they can manage their emotions, and can figure things out for themselves. Anxiety will only get bigger and prevent them from doing more and more if we give in.

So, by accommodating their avoidance, we are guaranteeing that their world will get smaller and smaller. They’ll find more things to be anxious about and avoid.

On the other hand, if they gradually expose themselves to the things that make them anxious, they are training their brain to be less reactive in the face of those stressors. They can take small steps like just pulling into the school parking lot one day, then the next maybe they walk into the office and say hello before leaving, then the next maybe they hang out with the school counselor for an hour…until eventually they can attend class without anxiety.

Their therapist will teach them to take back their control from their bossy brain. Little by little they can learn to do this with the right guidance.

Let me tell you how important your role is here though. Yale University Child Study Center published a study back in 2020.

The researchers compared 2 groups of kids and adolescents ages 7 to 14 – one group participating in cognitive behavioral therapy and the other group not participating in any therapy – but whose parents participated in a program to help them learn how to reduce accommodating avoidance.

The parent-based program, called Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions or SPACE. The study showed that the SPACE program (teaching just the parents how to stop accommodating their kids’ avoidance) was just as effective at reducing anxiety in the group of children …as cognitive behavioral therapy was for the other group of children.

The SPACE program works because it goes straight to the very heart of the issue with kids’ anxiety – parental accommodation. So, if your teen will not agree to participate in therapy or in addition to your kid going to therapy, you may want to check out the list of therapists who provide SPACE training to parents. I’ll have the link in the show notes.

Because kids look to us for protection and reassurance, it’s easy for us to hooked into accommodating them, which makes the anxiety even worse and causes us to accommodate even more – it’s an endless feedback loop.

This should prove just how crucial it is for us to change our tactics for helping our kids avoid their anxiety triggers. Again, I’ll have more information on SPACE in the show notes.

So, just a quip recap on this one: You can help your teen by explaining their anxiety to them, by giving them tools to use when they’re anxious, like controlled breathing and grounding exercises, by emotion coaching them when they’re having big emotions, by regulating your emotions, support their autonomy to cut down on conflict between you, focus on their positive qualities, stop drawing attention to the things they worry about, and finally, stop accommodating their avoidance.

Alright, that’s it for today from Speaking of Teens, I hope this 3-part series has been helpful for you and your anxious teen. If so, it would be wonderful if you’d share it with other parents who could benefit…I’m sure they would appreciate it (and of course, I would as well).

Until next time, remember to try and connect with your teen, in at least some small way, each and every day.