I often talk to parents who’ve been trying their level best to get their teen or tween to behave a certain way and just don’t understand why, once they take their phone away or ground them from using the car or keep them from seeing friends, their behavior doesn’t improve—in fact, it usually gets much worse.

It’s a real head scratcher because isn’t punishment supposed to make our kids straighten up and fly right? Isn’t it supposed to make them think twice about doing what they’re not supposed to be doing? That’s what we’ve been led to believe, right? That’s what our parents did and it’s what their parents did. But it’s not what works.

So, while we mean well, we’re inadvertently making things worse with this approach to discipline. I learned this the hard way and I want to save you from the spiral you create when you attempt to discipline your teen through punishment.

Hang out with me for the next few minutes while I flip your understanding of teen discipline and explore three big questions:

1. What are we actually trying to accomplish when we "discipline" our teens?
2. Why does punishment backfire? and
3. How can we discipline effectively without damaging the relationship with our teens?

PODCAST INTRO

Back around 2017 or so, when we were in the thick of it with our teenage son acting out in risky ways, I was desperate for him to stop. I just wanted him to be safe and behave the way I’d always pictured him behaving as a teenager.

So, I did what many parents do in this situation—I stayed on top of him day and night, I made new rules daily, I scolded, argued, lectured, pleaded, and punished. At one point I even nailed his bedroom windows shut (for a few hours maybe and then thought better of it!)

If you’re an SOT OG, you know the rest of the story…bottom line—I made everything so much worse. I didn’t understand what I want you to understand; that punishment doesn’t work to make your teen behave better—parenting is a lot more complicated than that.

Before talking about discipline let me give you a quick high-level refresher on why teenagers often do the boneheaded, idiotic, mind-numbingly stupid things that they do.

I’ve spoken about this many times, but for a deep dive you can go all the way back to  episodes 3 and 4, or more recent episodes 130-132.

The main point is that your teen’s brain doesn’t function like yours—it doesn’t even look like yours at the moment. Their brain cannot do the same things yours does. It’s not that they prefer not to think like an adult, it’s that they really can’t think like an adult.

Their prefrontal cortex – the part responsible for executive functions like decision-making, impulse and emotional control, and thinking about consequences – it’s still under construction and totally sucks at its job.

Meanwhile, the emotional part of the brain (the amygdala) and the reward system that causes risk-taking behavior…are in overdrive.

This isn't an excuse for bad behavior, but it explains why shouting "What were you thinking?!" is a genuinely unfair question. Half the time, they literally aren’t thinking – at least not the way we adults do.

The neurobiological changes that are ongoing in our kids from the time they begin puberty until at least their mid-twenties, while the cause for many great things (like learning faster and better than ever before), are also the cause for all the issues that drive us nuts about them.

It’s why they’re more likely to be rude, disrespectful, self-centered, and unempathetic. It’s why they get embarrassed so easily, don’t think before they act, get angry, frustrated or sad at the drop of the hat, put their social lives above everything else in the world, and will do risky things we never imagined they’d do.

Understanding these things about your teen can help you see them in a whole new light. It will help you realize that rather than doing these things truly purposefully, they’re simply lacking strength in the part of the brain that would otherwise help them do better.

It can help you be more empathetic, take their behavior less personally, and take a more objective approach to parenting.

Remind yourself, they would do better if they could…but they don’t yet have the capacity.

Understanding this brain science completely changed how I approached discipline with my son. Instead of seeing his behavior as deliberate defiance, I started seeing it as a skill deficit. He wasn't choosing to mess up – he was lacking the skills to handle certain situations the way an adult would because his brain was literally still developing.

So, what’s the answer to that first question; What are we actually trying to accomplish when we "discipline" our teens? Well, we’re trying to help them do better while they’re brain is still developing all the skills they’ll eventually need as an adult. Skills like self-control, making better decisions, emotional regulation, sustained focus.

The circuitry required to develop these skills is all there, but it has to be strengthened for them to be able to use these skills consistently. They need to practice over and over and over for the next few years, before they can get it right most of the time.

And that’s the really confusing part for us parents—the inconsistency. On the path to developing adult-like skills, we see glimpses of near perfection in one area one day and not the next or total control in a skill regarding a certain task, but not in similar tasks.

For example, your 14-year-old may be able to choose not to drink at a party where everyone else is drinking, then sneak out of the house to meet up with her boyfriend in the middle of the night, 24 hours later.

Or your 16-year-old manages to walk away from a potential physical fight at school last week but has a total raging meltdown with you over not having the right kind of snacks in the cupboard today.

Or your 17-year-old can tell you every move to make (and every move they’ve ever made) in a certain video game, but can’t spend 10 minutes to study for a quiz.

It's also true that these skills can develop in a completely different timeline from person to person depending on things like genetics, environment, and even mental health or developmental disorders.

These executive functions are strengthening based on your teen’s lived experiences and their development will be a bit of a roller coaster for the next few years. You have to accept this.

Discipline’s goal is to help them practice and learn these skills and to help them compensate for the skills they’re lacking right now as their brain is still growing.

Discipline is not about punishing them for not yet having developed these skills. That’s not fair is it? Do we punish infants for crying rather than speaking to us to tell us they’re wet or hungry? Do we punish toddlers for being unable to sit quietly at the dinner table and eat with the proper utensils? Do we punish 6-year-olds for being unable to draft a proper email?

Then why do we insist on holding teenagers to adult standards? Why do we punish them for not doing things they way we would? This is a skills-based issue just like it’s been all along.

Just because they can do some things some of the time or most things some of the time doesn’t mean they can function as adults—they don’t have adult brains—period.

You need to ditch your misconceptions of what your teen’s capable of doing. Stop “shoulding” them in your mind. You’re telling yourself, “they should be able to do this” “they should be able to stop themselves from doing that” “they should know better than to act that way.”

But, in fact, it’s us adults who should understand more about our kids. We should be more empathetic about the process their brain is going through. We should be able to control our anger over something they can’t help. We should be able to look at the issue objectively and help our kids do better.

So, understanding how their brain works, is the first step towards getting discipline right… and that discipline is all about helping them develop the skills they’ll need as young adults.

On to our second big question; why does punishment backfire?

To be honest, punishment is easier than teaching. It's faster. It feels more decisive. And when we're frustrated, scared, or angry, punishment feels satisfying in the moment. Punishment is geared more towards retribution “I’ll show you that you can’t get away with this”. If punishment worked to teach better behavior, to deter that behavior in the future, our prisons wouldn’t be full of reoffenders.

The uncomfortable truth is that punishment doesn't work with prisoners or teenagers—in fact, it usually makes things worse in the long run.

The underlying reason punishment doesn’t work is because it threatens your teen’s autonomy. I have full podcasts episodes on this issue so I’ll link to those in the show notes.

And punishment, by the way, is different from logical consequences (which are closely related to the behavior you’re trying to correct)—I’ll explain that in a minute. Logical consequences, when used properly, may be able to help teach certain skills, but punishment never will.

For example, taking away your kid’s phone for 2 weeks because they were rude, is a punishment. The phone has nothing to do with rude behavior and 2 weeks is much too long anyway. Grounding your kid from going out for a weekend for not doing chores, is a punishment. Preventing them from going to a graduation party for sneaking out of the house, is a punishment.

Punishment doesn’t help your kid learn to be kinder to you or to do their chores, or to study or turn in homework on time. You know what punishment does teach? It teaches,

“If I’m going to do something I shouldn’t—I need to be a lot sneakier and learn to lie better.”

It teaches, “mom and dad are the enemy”. It teaches, “If I mess up or need help, my parents are the last people I’d go to”.

Punishment creates a “me against them” atmosphere in your home, which becomes a battleground rather than a loving, supportive, calm environment in which your kids can grow and learn and feel loved.

I know that’s not what you want. It wasn’t what I wanted either, but I didn’t know there was an alternative. You don’t have that excuse because I’m telling you right now—there is.

So, what’s the alternative? How can we discipline effectively without damaging the relationship with our teens and making things worse?

The first thing you have to do is to start looking at their mistakes as an opportunity for them to learn how to do better next time, rather than something to be punished. Replace your anger or frustration with curiosity: “what skills are they lacking here to be able to get this right next time?” “Are there guiderails I can put up or scaffolding they need that will help them get it right until they fully learn these skills?”

For example, if your teen wakes up in plenty of time to get to school by first bell, but still can’t seem to get out the door on time, and then decides they just don’t want to go at all, get curious about the skills they’re lacking here. I teach the mechanics of all of this in Parent Camp but in a nutshell, you do this through observation, and having a conversation that includes open ended questions, lots of listening, and problem solving.

Maybe they agree to using a timer for each step in their getting ready process, or perhaps they ask for a reminder when they have 15-minutes left to get out the door, or maybe you agree to help them decide what to wear the night before. There are many, many ways to approach adolescent mistakes. Look at each issue as a problem to solve together—a way to get things right while they’re still learning those skills. It’s a simple concept that takes more work but in the end will strengthen their skills, their inner motivation, and your relationship.

Also, keep in mind that anytime there are natural consequences to your kid’s mistakes or misbehaviors, this is the best way to go.

Natural consequences are the real-world results that happen automatically when your teens make certain choices. These are incredibly powerful teaching tools that will also help you keep the peace, because you don’t have to enforce anything. You’re allowing real life to do the teaching. This is, hands-down, the best way for them to learn the skills they need.

Some simple examples:

• They don't study for a test → They get a poor grade
• They stay up too late → They're exhausted the next day
• They don't charge their phone → Their phone dies

And this is how it works in real life, for example, there’s no need to add any sort of punishment or logical consequence if your teen drank alcohol and threw up all night. A conversation to help them process what happened would be most appropriate.

Or, if they aren’t doing their laundry regularly like they should and they have to wear dirty clothes a few times, they may decide to get better about washing their clothes without the need for any conversation.

Now, there's an important caveat about allowing natural consequences; only allow them when they're not dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical, or likely to close some door in their future. For example, you wouldn’t let your kid experience the natural consequences of driving drunk.

I know it can be so hard to watch our kids struggle, make mistakes, or fail. Our instinct is to rescue. But every time we allow a safe natural consequence to happen, we're giving them an invaluable learning opportunity.

Now, what about situations where natural consequences aren't enough or aren't appropriate? And you’ve tried problem solving mistakes or misbehaviors a couple of times and it seems your teen’s either not trying or just doesn’t agree that what they’re doing is wrong? Then you may want to move on to logical consequences.

Logical consequences are those that:

1. Are directly related to the behavior
2. Are respectful and reasonable
3. Are agreed upon in advance with your teen whenever possible, and
4. Attempt to help them learn the skill they lack

Let me give you an example. If your teen is consistently late for dinner because they're hanging out with friends, a punishment might be taking away their phone (unrelated to the behavior). A logical consequence might be that they're responsible for reheating their own meal and cleaning up afterward (directly related to being late for dinner).

The key difference? The logical consequence actually teaches something about responsibility and consideration, while the punishment just creates resentment and disconnection.

Now, I wouldn’t impose the logical consequence until after you’ve attempted to problem solve the late behavior with them, agreed on some things for them to try to do better. Logical consequences are your last resort. Never start with a logical consequence—it’s just not usually necessary to accomplish the goal of teaching them how to do better.

Alright, so this all sounds great in theory, but how do you actually do this in real life when your teen is screwing up left and right and driving you nuts? Let me walk you through the basics.

Step 1: Remain calm and think about any issue like that as an opportunity to connect with your teen by solving a problem together.

You have to be able to regulate your own emotions about your teen’s behavior first and foremost. I’ll link to other podcast episodes and a free parenting guide on this issue in the show notes. If you can’t approach their mistakes and mess ups with a clear mind and objectivity, none of this is going to work. That was a big part of my problem—my emotions would overtake me and I couldn’t possibly think rationally. So, check out the show notes.

Assuming you can remain calm in these situations, you’re going to approach your teen with curiosity. Everything is worth a conversation. No more assumptions.

Start by telling them what you see or have noticed and ask them an open-ended question like “What happened?” or “What’s up?”

Then respectfully listen to everything they say, ask them to tell you more or ask questions to clarify things, or to help them process what was happening for them at the time. And validate their feelings (even if you don't agree with their actions). “I can see why you’d be afraid they’d make fun of you.” Let them know you empathize, and you get it.

This doesn't mean you're excusing the behavior. It means you're connecting with the human being behind the behavior. And trust me, this connection is what makes the teaching possible.

Step 2: Identify the Skill they lack

Ask yourself: "What skill would they need to avoid this situation in the future?" Executive functions impact all sorts of very specific skills. What do they need help with? What would help them succeed the next time?

Maybe they need help with:

• Time management
• Emotion regulation
• Considering consequences
• Communication skills
• Setting boundaries with peers

Once you identify the skill gap, you can focus your "discipline" on teaching that specific skill.

Step 3: Choose a Relevant Response

What response makes sense?

• Is there a way to solve this problem together with guardrails or help from you? Some sort of work around while they’re still learning.
• Are there natural consequence that can teach this lesson safely?
• If you’ve tried everything else already and they’re not cooperative or don’t agree that they’re doing anything wrong, is there a logical consequence that would help them with this skill deficit?

Step 4: Follow Through Consistently

This might be the hardest part! You have to follow through on the agreed workaround, or logical consequence, or stay out of the way of the natural consequence happening.

When we sometimes let things slide and other times come down hard, we create confusion and resentment.

That's why I also only recommend setting rules that really matter to you and issue consequences that you know you’ll enforce consistently.

Here are some Common Pitfalls to Avoid

1. The Phone Trap

Taking away phones for unrelated infractions is probably the most common parenting mistake I see. "You were disrespectful to your sister? Give me your phone!"

The problem? This doesn't teach anything about treating siblings with respect. It just creates resentment and power struggles.

2. Not having a conversation

"I don’t want to hear it – you’re grounded.” Avoiding conflict is possible when disciplining your teen. Hear them out. Don’t make assumptions. You can’t help them do better if you don’t explore what happened.

3. The Heat-of-the-Moment Mistake

Addressing your teen’s mistake when you’re angry, almost always leads to issuing consequences that are too harsh, unrelated to the behavior, or impossible to enforce. "That's it! You're grounded for the rest of the year!"

Does that sound familiar? Oh yeah, we’ve all been there. This is why your emotional regulation is the first step in modifying your discipline approach.

If you're listening and thinking, "Uh oh, I've been doing it all wrong!" – first of all, welcome the club! We’re going to have to rent a bigger space.

But here's the good news: it's never too late to change your approach.

My son gave me a do-over when he was nearly 18 years old. Kids are remarkably forgiving when we're willing to admit our mistakes and try something new.

Here's what you can do:

1. Have an honest conversation with your teen
2. Admit that your approach to discipline has been uninformed
3. Explain that you're learning new ways to handle things
4. Ask for their patience as you figure this out together

The Bottom Line here?

Effective discipline isn't about making teens obey or suffer for their mistakes. It's about teaching them the skills they need to do better or make better choices in the future.

When we focus on teaching rather than punishing:

• We preserve and even strengthen our relationship with our teens
• We help them develop crucial life skills
• We create an environment where they can learn from mistakes, develop inner motivation, and feel more successful, and
• We keep the lines of communication open so we can help them even more in the future (so we can guide them and keep them safe).

And really, isn't that what we want? Not just well-behaved kids, but capable young adults who can deal with whatever life throws their way who come to us when they need our support.

Okay, that’s it for another episode of Speaking of Teens.

If you’re new here, I’m so happy to have you. Be sure and check out previous episodes…you may want to start with the foundational series in episodes 130 through 137 and please come back.

And if you’re an SOT OG, thank you again for hanging out with me for a few minutes out of your day.

I’m plotting and planning new things to come your way over this next year so stay tuned. And until next time, be sure to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.

 Thank you so much for listening. Be sure to follow this podcast so you'll get new episodes every Tuesday. And please share this episode with a friend who might need it – we're all in this parenting journey together!

Take care and I'll see you back here next week!