Last week I bought yet another book off my really extensive Amazon wish list - Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg (I love that name).

I heard Mr. Duhigg on a podcast months ago and was intrigued—I thought I might be able to use some of the communication strategies from his book to help you and parents I teach in parent camp. I like to incorporate ideas from a variety of resources and fields of study—not just those relating to parenting.

And this book didn’t disappoint. Less than a dozen pages in, the author introduces the matching principal. The idea is that if we want to communicate well with someone, we must connect with them on some level—as Mr. Duhigg says, “When we absorb what someone is saying, and they comprehend what we say, it’s because our brains have, to some degree, aligned.”

In other words, when we aren’t aligned, we aren’t connecting, and we aren’t communicating as well as possible. I was literally just talking about this idea of alignment with my Parent Camp Plus cohort the night before (although I didn’t call it alignment).

I was reiterating how we so often go into a conversation with our teens with an agenda in mind, that has absolutely nothing to do with what our teen is trying to communicate to us. In other words, there’s no alignment.

Stay with me for the next few minutes and let me tell you a little bit about this need for alignment in conversations with our teens and how to achieve it.

PODCAST INTRO

Humans are built for connection—both physical and emotional connection—we crave it, we seek it out, it’s how the species has survived.

And there’s no greater need for connection than between a parent and child. They’re basically physically attached to us for the first 3 years of their life, and they continue to look at us as superheroes for at least another 7 years or so. They need our constant emotional validation, guidance, reassurance. And they enjoy being with us, they accept and even come to us for hugs and snuggles.

Then all that physical closeness comes to a screeching halt with puberty—their official entry into adolescence. They no longer want or require as much physical connection with us. Instead, their brain is rewiring to make them more social, to cling to their friends, to seek out approval and connection from kids their age, to become a member of a new tribe – one of peers rather than immediate family.

So, it’s totally normal and to be expected that during adolescence, they want to be with their friends more than they want to be with us.

If the brain didn’t work this way, we would have 18-year-olds still clinking to mommy and daddy and afraid to go out into the world and find their own way, find a mate, and perpetuate the human race.

Your kid’s obsession with friends and seeming rejection of the family is basic evolution. And if you interfere with this process, you’re interfering with your kid’s gradual development into an adult.

Understand this isn’t a rejection of family, it isn’t a rejection of your values as a family, or because they don’t love you anymore—it’s just a necessary process. Of course, this physical separation can make this phase of parenthood a little sad and even scary. It can also cause some of us to mandate family time, sulk, complain and even punish our kids for a natural process. Never a good idea to push back against what should be happening to move your kid towards adulthood.

Because here’s the thing—although they don’t want the same level of physical closeness or intimacy with us (they don’t even want to be in the same vicinity most of the time), they do still want and need an emotional connection with us.

Now they’re likely never going to admit or verbalize this need for emotional connection with you—but it’s there and you can see it if you pay attention and know what to look for. And it’s important that you respond properly to give them this connection because it’s this emotional connection that will keep you in the loop with them, will keep them talking to you, telling you things you need to know, asking for your advice and taking it, behaving in a way you’d want them to even when you’re not around.

The emotional connection with your teen is the most important thing you have going for you during adolescence. If you lose it, you lose your influence with them.

Because our physical connection with them is diminished, we have to use the time we’re in same vicinity, to communicate well—because it’s this communication that will solidify our emotional connection with them.

In Mr. Duhigg’s book, Supercommunicators, (which by the way, I’ll link to in the Show Notes) he describes an experiment conducted back in 2012 at the Institute for Human Development in Germany.

Scholars at the institute set out to study the brains of guitarists as they played Scheidler’s (shee de ler) Sonata in D Major. They hooked the musicians up to (an MRI, I imagine) and they looked at the electronic impulses in their brain as they both played the music individually and when they played it together with another guitarist.

What they found was that each musicians’ neural activity looked different when they played the piece of music by themselves. But, when they played that same music as a duet with another musician, the electrical activity in both the guitarists’ brains synchronized.

They even found that their breathing, their heartrate, and even the dilation of their pupils aligned.

But when the guitarists would then veer off into a solo, all the synchronization would stop.

This same brain synchronization has been shown in people tapping their fingers alongside each other, humming together, working a complicated puzzle together, and telling each other stories.

And researchers at Princeton got the same results in a group of people listening to a  young lady tell a story about her prom. The listeners’ brains synchronized with the story teller’s brain. They actually saw that some of these listeners’ brains mirrored the activity of the speaker’s brain so closely that they (quote) “seemed to behave nearly precisely like her brain.”

Those people whose brains were super aligned with the speaker’s brain were later much better at recounting the details of the story more clearly. The researchers surmise that the more neurally aligned we are with the person we’re listening or speaking to, the better we understand each other…the more we connect and truly communicate.

Of course, we can’t all walk around monitoring our brain waves. But there are ways to become better communicators (supercommunicators as Duhigg calls them) and it starts with this alignment or matching principle. At it’s core, this simply means that we have to recognize what kind of conversation is happening and give of ourselves in that conversation in a way that shows that we truly understand what the other person is feeling, what they want, and who they are. This is where connection happens.

Now, you can read the book to get into the nitty gritty that Duhigg does but I’m going to explain here, what this means to me and you, as far as communicating with our teens.

I’ll start with what usually happens and then we’ll talk about how to correct it.

As a parent, we know that our job is to prepare our kids for their future, right? We have to get them ready for adulting, we want them to be happy and successful and live a fulfilling life. And deep down we know we only have around 18 years to do this. We feel this clock ticking and the countdown has started and if we don’t squeeze all of the right lessons into their brain before that timer is up, they may just go out into the world ill equipped to live up to our expectations for them. Our expectations of what success means, what their potential is, what we have in our mind for their future.

Of course, this is a normal parental attitude. We brought these kids into the world or have raised them from a certain age, and we have a vested interest in how they turn out. If they don’t do well, what does that say about us? What does it say about us as a parent if our kid doesn’t live up to their potential or perform to a certain standard, go to college, get a good job, buy a house—all the things?

No, this usually isn’t a conscious thought, but it’s all there in the back of our mind driving everything we do, every interaction with our kids. We have an agenda, and that agenda is to make sure our kids meet our expectations for the future we’ve envisioned for them.

Think about it. Why do you push them to do their homework? To make sure they make decent grades now because you feel those grades will determine whether they go to college, what college they go to, or even reflect what type of job they’re capable of if they don’t go to college. If you have college in mind, you want them to go so they can have a solid educational foundation that will provide an above average or even great living one day. Even if they don’t go to college, you want them to do the best they can with whatever occupation they choose. All because you don’t want them to struggle, you want them to have money because money simply makes life easier and more pleasant. You want them to be happy and money makes that seem more attainable, maybe.

Your agenda for their future not only includes them doing their homework but learning how to clean up after themselves, how to save money (or at least not waste it), how to speak up for themselves, maintain optimism, be punctual, have a good attitude even when things are tough…I could go on and on and on. And every one of these things you want to teach your kids relates to how you see them operating as a fully functioning, if not very successful, adult.

Even if you don’t realize you have an agenda, you do. And again, you feel pressed for time here. Your agenda makes you nervous, anxious, it’s always in the forefront of your mind and you have to get all of these important life lessons crammed into your kid’s head like right now—every moment needs to be a teachable moment.

This agenda is a constant buzz in a parent’s brain. It’s always there. Whether you recognize it or not, you’re always looking for the next opportunity to teach your kid how to be the kind of adult that you want them to be (that you dream of them being).

And you know what this agenda does? It keeps you from being fully present with your kid when on one of those rare occasions, you’re actually in the same vicinity, and they’ve said something to you, or you have the opportunity to say something to them.

This agenda (which is focused on the future) keeps you stuck in this anxiety-driven state of “I have to make sure they know this”, “I have to make sure they think about this correctly” I have to make sure they feel the right way about this” “I have to make sure they act appropriately in this situation”.

So, while you’re focused on your agenda, you can’t possibly be fully present with your kid in the moment, which means there’s no way your brain will be aligned with theirs and you’ll miss the rare opportunity to connect with them on an emotional level.

If you’re thinking about their future and they’re thinking about the present moment, that mismatch in a conversation is an automatic indicator for conflict and disconnection.

For example, your kid says to you, “Mrs. Smith is an idiot. She wants us to do 25 algebra problems for homework every night. It’s so stupid. Doing these problems isn’t teaching me anything and I’ll never use it ever again anyway because I’m going to make my money on YouTube.”

In a split second, your agenda kicks in—your inner voice is telling you, “You can’t let him call Mrs. Smith an idiot, that’s so rude and disrespectful, what if he says that to a teacher’s face or thinks it’s okay to say things like this about people. And he has to learn algebra, he may think he’s going to be a YouTuber but he’s going to college first, and good Lord, why a YouTuber, why can’t he want to be an engineer like his dad?!”

Whether you realize your inner voice is chatting away at you or not, it is. And it’s driving how you feel when you hear your kid say this and how you behave immediately afterwards.

If you can recognize these thoughts for what they are—just your fear or anxiety about their future—and understand how these thoughts are just thoughts and not truth, and bring yourself back to the present moment with your kid, you can actually grab some of that brain alignment and connect with them through positive communication.

But if you let your agenda (those intrusive or even negative thoughts about their future) take over and drive your emotions and behavior…no alignment and no connection…and even worse, likely an argument and disconnection.

Now, being able to stay in the present moment and not allow that little inner voice to cause anxiety and make you start giving a lecture or correcting them or giving them advice – this comes pretty easily for some parents. Many of us, however, need to learn some new skills, and put in lots of  practice. This is especially true if you and your teen, have gotten into a control/rebellion spiral and have become very disconnected, or if you’re an anxious person or have an anxiety disorder, if you have ADHD, ASD or perhaps depression or another mental health disorder. Any of these things just makes it a little hard for some of us to become more emotionally aware and regulated.

I teach strategies that help with this in Parent Camp: things like journaling, stress reduction, mindfulness, self-compassion and gratitude. These are the skills it often takes for us to prevent our fearful thoughts from steering us off course and keeping us from connecting with our teen.

Let’s go back to our example, your kid says, Mrs. Smith’s an idiot for giving the class a ton of algebra homework that he doesn’t need to learn algebra anyway because YouTubers don’t need algebra.

If you focus on your agenda (of making sure your kid understands how to think, feel, and do correctly…and accepts certain basic facts about how the world works), here’s what you might say:

“Please don’t be so disrespectful. I’m sure Mrs. Smith’s not an idiot, she’s just preparing you for Algebra 2 and trigonometry.

Algebra is absolutely important because you’ll need it to take the advanced classes and get into a good college. What are the chances you can really make it as a YouTuber honey? Do you know how many teenagers want to just make videos and get paid for it? Please just do the homework.”

“Bruh, you don’t know anything! I can make so much more money on YouTube—I don’t care if I make a D in algebra, I’m not doing this.” (and he slams the book closed, and nearly knocks over the chair leaving the dining room table for his bedroom)

Did you intend to start an argument? I doubt it. But if you’d paused for just a couple of seconds to think about the type of conversation your teen was trying to have with you, reigned in your emotions, kept your agenda under wraps, and tried to align your brain with your teen’s—it could have been a much different conversation.

Think about it a minute. What was your kid really saying to you when he started this conversation? What was his mindset in that moment? What did he need from you?

“Mrs. Smith is an idiot. She wants us to do 25 algebra problems for homework every night. It’s so stupid. Doing these problems isn’t teaching me anything and I’ll never use it ever again anyway because I’m going to make my money on YouTube.”

Have they asked for your opinion, advice, or correction? Have they indicated in any way that they may welcome your opinion or advice, or correction? Is what they’ve just said an emergency, requiring your immediate attention? They didn’t yell fire, right? They didn’t say they were on the way out the door to beat someone up, did they? So, not an emergency.

Yet, you’ve jumped on it like it is an emergency. Like if you let them believe for half a second that algebra (or Mrs. Smith) is stupid, or that they could possibly become a rich and famous YouTuber, that they’ll drop out of high school and end up in jail or living on the streets one day.

Your agenda doesn’t at all match what they had in mind when they opened their mouth and said what they said.

In this example, what do you think is on this kid’s mind?

Yeah, that he hates algebra and doesn’t want to do it! He’d rather be doing just about anything else. He’s saying what he feels in that moment, unfiltered. You know what that’s called? Venting. And you do it too.

How often do we complain out loud about something when we know it won’t change a thing?

“I swear every company in the industrial park changes shifts at the same time. It’s just ridiculous. It’s like they all conspire to make traffic as horrible as possible for everyone leaving the office park. The traffic on the way home is insane every day.”

How would you feel if you said this walking in the door after work, wanting nothing more than to take your shoes off and change into your comfy pants, and your spouse replied, “Well, honey, all the companies don’t have the exact same shifts. But in manufacturing you’re usually going to have 12-hour shifts, and I think most of them around here go 5 am to 5 pm, and that evening shift change just happens to coincide with the time you guys get off work. Maybe you could start leaving at 4:50 or even wait until 5:10 to leave the park and you wouldn’t encounter so much traffic.”

You’d be like, “Are you kidding right now? What’s with the lecture professor? I’m just pissed off and venting. I just need a little acknowledgment that the traffic sucks and sucks more when I’m tired! C’mon.”

Am I right?

Well, guess what your kid wanted to hear when he was complaining about algebra? Yep, the same kind of thing. What he said and what you’ve said about the after work traffic—same kind of conversation: emotional. Both you and your kid were just complaining to vent, to get it out, to perhaps get a little validation from the other person in the room with you at the time.

“Yeah, I don’t love algebra either. I get it.”

“Hey babe come sit down with me and decompress after that stressful drive home.”

That’s alignment. That’s being attuned to what sort of conversation the other person wants and matching it.

But as Duhigg points out in his book, this means you have to truly understand what the other person is “feeling, what they want, and who they are”.

One of the most important skills to be able to do this (especially with your teen because that’s what we’re talking about here)—one of the most important skills, besides putting aside your own agenda and fear, is listening. Really listening.

Not listening for a point in the conversation when you can jump in with your “lesson de jour” or sage advice.

Not listening so you can point out the mistakes in their logic or feelings but listening to show your kid that you’re invested in what they’re saying, that you care about what they’re saying, that you care about them, that you’re putting yourself in their shoes, imagining how you’d feel in that moment and trying to match the match their brain waves, make a connection, share that moment with them.

I want you to think about this the next time your teen or tween says anything to you. I want you to stop yourself from immediately chiming in. Put a hand on your heart, take a couple of big breaths, tell yourself your job as a parent is to connect with your kid, not constantly correct them. Tell yourself the best way to do that is to practice good listening, rather than trying to turn every conversation into a teachable moment.

Allow them the same space you would want someone else to allow you. Be a good sounding board, validate how they feel about whatever it is (it doesn’t mean you have to agree with how they feel or that you would feel how they feel, but they feel that way and there’s nothing you can do about it other than acknowledge how they feel. “yeah, that sucks” “I hate when that happens” “super frustrating, I know”, and leave it at that. Often that’s all it takes to bring a little emotional connection to the relationship with your kid.

Try it and see what happens. I predict fewer arguments and a lot more connecting in your future.

Alright, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you for being here with me to the end. If you’re new here, welcome, I hope you’ll stick around and dive into some of the past episodes and if you’re a regular listener, you know how much I appreciate you, right? I really do. I appreciate it even more when you message me, email me, post in the Facebook group and tell me how you share the podcast and how much it means to you. You just have no idea how very validating that is. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now, watch your email (or jump over to Substack) for today’s post April 22, 2025, because I’m going to talk to you a little bit more about communicating with your teen. The link for Substack and for Charles Duhigg’s fabulous book, Supercommunicators, is in the episode description where you’ re listening now.

Until next time, be sure to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.