How To Change Your Teen’s Behavior When Nothing Else Has Worked
Do you have a teen or tween whose behavior is just wearing you down?
Maybe they’re really stubborn, high strung, strong-willed, or defiant.
These issues could be causing anything from a weekly meltdown or two, to daily chaos, depending on the kid and the circumstances.
In my experience, often, if these kinds of issues are constant, there’s probably an underlying developmental or mental health disorder—perhaps both. Maybe they’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, a learning issue, anxiety, depression. And any of these issues can often lead to a substance use disorder.
I know how anxiety-producing, depressing, and even downright frightening it can be when you don’t know how to make things better. And it doesn’t matter what anyone else is going through with their teen (whether you think it’s worse or more serious)—your family’s issue is what it is and it’s all relative to where you’ve been.
So, if you feel you’ve lost control or don’t know what to do to help your kid get back on track, or just want to bring some normalcy back to the family’s life, let’s talk—stay right there.
PODCAST INTRO
I want to give you some hope today. Because I know, no matter your current struggle, that you can have renewed optimism for your teen, they can change their behavior, and you can have a better relationship with them.
As you may know, we went through a real shit storm back when my son was 16 and 17 years old. We searched for answers, for hope, and for help for a couple of years and just didn’t find it…until he ended up in residential treatment. The family therapist there pushed me in the right direction, and I began doing some major self-study and deep work on myself.
We finally saw results and that’s why I’m here talking to you about these things now.
And listen, regular ole’ run of the mill adolescents can be extremely difficult to parent. But when you add ADHD, or a mental health disorder or substance use, parenting becomes exponentially harder.
As I’ve said before, these kids are like teens squared. Any issue you might have with a typical teen will be magnified with your teen.
There’s a broad spectrum of behavior here too—just like with average or neurotypical teens—your kid’s behavior can range from slightly stressful to off the charts problematic.
That brings me to the first thing I want to talk to you about—where do we go for help when we find ourselves with a teenager that we can’t control, or who seems unbalanced, or their behavior is worrisome to us in some way?
Therapists and other mental health professionals are usually our first stop.
We’re led to believe that if our kid has some sort of underlying problem causing behavioral issues, the solution lies in getting them to cooperate with mental health professionals. They’ll step in and wave their magic wand, write some prescriptions, do a little talk therapy and everything will be okay.
Let me help you set this notion aside right now.
If you’re depending on the mental health profession to make things all better for your kid and your family—you’ll probably be sorely disappointed.
I’m not only speaking from personal experience but from years of talking to other parents who’ve lived it.
This isn’t about knocking therapists – some of my best friends are therapists. It has to do with the disconnect between therapy for your teen and your parenting behavior. Let me explain.
Your teen’s therapist has a choice to work solely with your kid or work with the whole family now and then, or at least meet with you to discuss how things are going with your teen’s therapy—even giving you guidance on parenting in a way that will benefit your teen’s mental health.
But, most often, at least what I’ve seen, is that therapists are going to work primarily with your child. They consider themselves your teen’s therapist and nothing that goes on in those therapy sessions will be shared or discussed with you. Which, when you think about it, makes sense because how could your teen open up to someone if they thought everything they said could get back to their parents?
The way therapists handle adolescent clients varies greatly according to the therapist, their training, background, experience, age group they most often work with, and specialty. They get to decide how this goes and how much the involve you or teach and guide you. And usually I don’t see a lot of teaching and guiding—far from it.
I’ve certainly learned that just because someone is a licensed therapist doesn’t mean they were educated or trained the same way another therapist was. Masters’ programs at colleges and universities focus on different things. All therapists are not created equal.
That was pretty obvious to me when my son’s therapist showed up at our house to smoke weed with him to figure out “just what he got out of it”. Yep – that happened.
Just because someone is licensed and has a diploma on their wall doesn’t mean they can help your kid (it doesn’t even mean they have good sense).
So, quite often, when your kid is seeing a therapist for individual therapy, the therapist is not dealing with the dynamic between you and your teen, you’re not learning any new skills are receiving a lot of guidance.
This could be because they’re used to working more with adults. This is standard procedure working with adults—most of the time, we aren’t living with our parents and the issues we have at this point are ours alone (even if they stem from issues in our childhood).
But that’s certainly not the case for our kids. We have an enormous impact on their mental health and their behavior. And when therapists ignore this, they’re ignoring a huge chunk of the puzzle—which shows when you look at the science.
For example, in 2021, scientists examined over 2,500 studies that spanned a period of 30 years, related to therapy for adolescents with anxiety. This examination found that only just over a third of these teens found relief from their anxiety.[1]
Psychological treatment for adolescent depression (cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT being the gold standard) has an 83% success rate. But there are two problems: a) these research-based treatments are actually rarely used by therapists with teens, and b) the recurrence rate for adolescents after recovery from depression is quite high.[2]
The same problem occurs with residential treatment, wilderness programs, and the like, unless they have a robust parent program.
The bottom line is, you can’t treat the kids, get them to a good place, and send them back home to parents who haven’t changed their behavior at all.
You simply cannot expect your teen’s mental health and behavior to improve, without also working on your parenting skills and the function of the entire family unit.
I firmly believe this is why therapy doesn’t work for so many teens. It’s why they tell you it doesn’t work, why they refuse to go back, why they don’t get better, and why your family is still in chaos.
Our teens’ behavior and mental health issues don’t exist in a vacuum – they exist within the family dynamic we create. We have the power to make things better or make things much worse.
Your kid can go to therapy an hour a week and actually feel pretty good during the session, and as soon as they come back out into the waiting area, you can unwittingly undo every bit of that work they’ve just done.
And this is what you don’t hear from most therapists (or from any psychiatrist or psychologist).
A significant amount of their outward behavior is a reflection of your ability to empathize with them, understand and regulate your own emotions, communication calmly and effectively in a way that takes into account adolescent neurobiology, to decrease negative interactions and increase positive, to teach them and guide them to learn how to become adults rather than punishing them for not yet being one.
You must learn these skills—no matter what’s going on with your teen, but especially if they’re struggling.
Now, as I said a minute ago there’s a broad spectrum of behaviors you may be dealing with. Well, picture a corresponding plotline along which you can plot the connection or relationship with your teen.
As your teen’s behavior causes more problems for them and within the family, the lower your level of connection with them will be.
You can start making changes in your behavior at any point along this plotline and it will make a difference – the sooner, the better.
Because the longer you wait, the longer these issues between you go on, the less connected you’ll become, and the longer it will take to see results.
You can’t expect to change things easily and overnight if your relationship with them has been deteriorating over a period of time.
For example, let’s say you just don’t know what else to do at this point. You’re exhausted and feel defeated. You’ve begged, punished, pleaded, fought, taken them to counseling, and their behavior and your relationship has not improved – as a matter of fact it’s just gotten worse.
You know what you’ve been doing isn’t working but you don’t know what else to do. The arguing doesn’t help. You can’t control their behavior. You may have even begun to purposefully pull away from them to protect yourself emotionally. Perhaps you’ve pondered sending them to residential treatment or a wilderness program.
You have even more work to put in than the average parent.
Of course, no matter where you are with your teen, the focus should be on your connection with them.
But the worse things are at this point, the more you’ll have to shift your focus away from their outward behavior, (the consequencing, correcting, reminding, and so forth) and put all of your efforts on rebuilding your connection with them first.
You can’t connect when everyone is in fight or flight mode, which is why you have to back up from all the disciplinary actions, take a breath, let them take a breath, and change your interactions with them.
When everyone is constantly readying for battle, do you honestly think they’re suddenly, the next time you take their phone away, gonna say, “You know, you’re so right, I’ve been an ass. I’m going to straighten up right now, do everything you say, make straight As, and spend all my extra time in service of my community. Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways.”
As I’ve said many, many times, the emotional connection with your teen is the only thing that will give you any influence in their life. You can no longer force them to behave a certain way.
You can consequence or punish as much as you want, and they can continue that same behavior. They’ll just get really good at lying and hiding things from you.
And unfortunately, you really don’t have much control over any of it—unless they want to listen to you and do what you want them to do. And that’s what connection is for.
The fact is, the only things you can control are how you think about these situations, how you feel about them, and how you react or respond to your kid.
Once you make the necessary changes to your thoughts, feelings and behavior—you clear the way for them to begin making changes. You build your connection, which is what helps them want to cooperate more and make better choices.
This isn’t conjecture or just a big idea—this is science, backed by tons and tons of real-life results for parents who’ve made these changes (like me and parents who’ve gone through Parent Camp).
And here’s another way of looking at it—what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, has it? So, at this point, what do you have to lose by trying something different?
Alright Ann, I’ll bite—but how do I work on the connection with my kid when they’re lying constantly, or they’re getting in trouble at school, or using substances, or having constant fits of rage?
Let me point out that this question comes from a place of fear or a more controlling mindset. A place I know all too well.
“If they keep acting the way they are, they’re going to end up failing a grade, or dropping out, or going to jail, or getting hurt, or developing a problem with substances. I have to do something right now!”
When your sole focus is on making their negative behavior stop, it’s hard to see how backing off even in the slightest, could possibly be a good thing. Isn’t that dangerous?
How do you change course when you’re terrified or angry or anxious about their behavior? When you’re so afraid something bad is going to happen or they’re going to ruin their life?
Well, I’m not advocating for letting them do whatever they want-whenever they want. But I am talking about backing way off for a while.
It takes a lot of faith, a good bit of hope and optimism, a ton of emotional regulation, and an understanding that if you don’t reverse course, you may end up doing permanent damage to the relationship with your kid, pushing them further into their unappealing behaviors, or be forced to take the drastic step of sending them off for treatment of some sort.
You simply can’t keep pushing the train down the tracks in the same direction.
I’ve now added a new cohort to Parent Camp just for you and other parents, who like me several years ago, feel like you’re in crisis mode with your teen. It’s called Parent Camp PLUS and although you learn all of what I teach in Parent Camp, I’ve added a few strategies to help you reverse course (and because often these behavior issues include substances, we’ll also be talking about strategies to help them change their relationship with those substances).
So, the first steps in reversing this train are (whether you work with me or learn on your own):
Learn how their brain works, so you can understand that so many of their issues are simply a side effect of their neurobiology. This will certainly help you regulate your emotions about their behavior. Download my free parenting guide called “The Challenging Adolescent Brain” – the link for the guides is in the episode description.
You’re going to have to also learn to examine your thoughts and emotions and understand how they’re influencing the way you interact with your teen. If you’re anything like me and many other parents, you may have come into this issue with an anxiety disorder or may have developed one in the process – that’s certainly not uncommon. Educate yourself about emotional intelligence, cognitive distortions, mindfulness, journaling and all the other methods of becoming more emotionally aware and regulated. This isn’t something that happens overnight-it takes a deep understanding of yourself and a level of commitment to change. You’ve got to get a grip on that fear or your controlling mindset. Download the “Emotional Awareness Strategies” parenting guide to help.
Now, if the methods I teach for regulating your emotions don’t help soon enough, you’re going to find a therapist and go weekly to develop the inner tools you need to manage what you’re feeling about your child’s behavior. You can’t do any of this if your emotions are out of control.
And—this is the difference for you and for parents with typical teens—for now, you’re going to have to set aside most all your complaints and grievances about your teen’s behavior. You’ve likely punished or consequenced them so much that there’s nothing else you can do anyway. Remember, it hasn’t worked yet so it’s not going to magically start working if you keep doing it.
As you work on your emotions and learning about their brain, and step back a bit, you’ll also need to learn positive communication techniques like deep listening, reflecting, validating their feelings, and all the other skills for helping them learn how to regulate their
As you learn these new skills and give them time without so much of the focus on their behavior, they’ll begin to calm their nervous system and you’ll be able to approach them to try and connect without them being on high alert for just another lecture or consequence—this is so important.
Because now you’re going to slowly start implementing strategies to make small connections with them on a regular basis.
At first, it’s going to be hit or miss. And you may have gotten to the point that you don’t even want to try it—but nothing will change if you don’t.
They may still push back really hard at first, and you may have to back up and wait it out a little more, and then you’re going to keep going and not give up.
At first you might just reach out and touch their arm as they walk by you, make a desert they really like, give them a sincere compliment about any tiny little thing you can find. They have some great qualities—you’ve just become blind to them because of all the other issues.
And you’re going to work on your connection despite the fact that they’re still doing what you don’t want them to do.
Keep reminding yourself that your kid knows the rules, knows your values, knows what you expect.
Saying it over and over or arguing about it or punishing them hasn’t worked so far so let’s just set it all aside for at least a few weeks while you work on your connection.
These are all concrete action steps to take that will change the energy in your home and move you closer to connection so you can begin to see light at the end of that tunnel.
After perhaps 8 weeks or so (it could take less time or more just depending on your situation)—but you should be seeing some difference in the level of chaos in your home. Your teen’s mood will have shifted a bit, and you may even be able to have brief conversations without arguments.
In many cases, their negative behavior will lighten up—at least their behavior towards you. Any amount of change you see will be a bonus. So, we just keep working and keep doing everything you’re doing and eventually we’ll add the discipline piece.
But by now you’ll have learned to handle things differently. Rather than just randomly issuing consequences, you’ll know how to have conversations with them about rules and consequences, how to decide what rules you should or shouldn’t have, how to hold your ground better than before (because you’re going to feel good about how you’re parenting and it’s going to make sense to your teenager).
They’re going to test your patience, your stamina, your will power and faith to hang in there. This is all new to them too.
So, you’ll learn not to take their digs and jabs personally, to work around the trouble they make for you, while still holding firm on boundaries.
I’ll go ahead and tell you; it won’t be fun. As a matter of fact, it may be pure misery for a few more weeks. But describe life right now.
I promise you, when you notice that first small change in your teen’s behavior, there’s your glimmer of hope.
A voluntary hug, an I Love You, straightening up their bedroom…now try not to start jumping up and down and clapping your hands—but you’ll certainly want to acknowledge how much you appreciate what you’re seeing in them.
Now, don’t get me wrong, your teen may still need therapy so they can learn additional emotional skills and tools. But you’re also going to learn how to help them with this. And the fact that you’re working on yourself will mean that the changes that occur for them in therapy will not be undone at home.
The bottom line is, to come back from the edge, it’s going to take hard work…but you’re working hard now and have nothing to show for it but disconnection, conflict and bad behavior, so you might as well be working towards real, long-term, lasting change rather spinning your wheels while things just get worse.
I’ll teach you how to do this in Parent Camp PLUS.
As I said, the basic strategies and skills are the same no matter your adolescent’s age or whether they’re just a little mouthy and uncooperative or pushed you to the absolute brink. But if you’re at the brink, Parent Camp PLUS is for you. We’ll spend 6 ½ more hours together than in Parent Camp.
I’m really proud of the work I do in Parent Camp, the personal attention I give you, and the changes I know you’ll see with your family.
Both cohorts of Parent Camp kick off twice a year, in September and March
I don’t want you to flounder anymore trying to figure this out.
The link for the Parent Camp information page is at the bottom of the episode description where you’re listening now. It’s speakingofteens.net/parent-camp
On that page you’ll find all the information you need including testimonials and an FAQ. Check it out now - the thought of you sitting there and being miserable when I know I can help, makes me crazy.
Come join me and the other parents for weekly live sessions – you won’t regret it.
That’s it today for Speaking of Teens. Please share this episode with a friend you know is stuck in this position and doesn’t know the way forward. I would have given anything if I’d had this resource a few years ago. It’s why I do what I do.
I hope to see you in Parent Camp. Until next time, be sure to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.
[1] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-021-00364-2