In Jonathan Heidt’s latest book, The Anxious Generation, he starts out by asking you to imagine that when you first child turned 10 that some random billionaire asks her to be a member of the first human settlement on Mars. You didn’t realize it but she’d signed up to be considered because all her friends were doing it. Now she’s begging you to let her go to Mars with all of her friends. You agree to learn more about the mission before considering it.

So, the book goes on to describe this mission to Mars, how it is fraught with danger and poses particular risks for young people and then asks the question, “Do you let your kid go?”

Well, I can tell you, if you read this, you’d say no. And that’s the author’s point. In his highly publicized and somewhat controversial book, he goes on to analogize this fictional mission to Mars to technology and the online world (mainly social media) that our kids are exposed to. As if we needed any further convincing about the dangers of tech and social media.

Well, today I want to put things in perspective for you, so you can manage your fear and any guilt you may have. I’m not only going to present you with a more realistic picture but also give you actional advice about parental controls—and if you stick with me until the end, you’re going to appreciate what I have to say about screen time.

PODCAST INTRO

The Anxious Generation’s subtitle is “How the great rewiring of childhood is causing an epidemic of mental illness.” The author claims that’s exactly what’s happened and that the rising tide of mental health disorders in adolescents has been caused by digital technology. And he makes a darn good argument. The book is full charts and graphs and references to scientific studies and journal articles.

And it’s clear that over the past decade there’s been an uptick in adolescent anxiety, depression, and suicide, all of which coincides with the ubiquity of the smart phone and advent of social media platforms. It’s quite obvious something’s going on here. There’s good cause for parents to be concerned.

But, as many other experts have pointed out, the science he references does not show causation but merely correlation. In other words, there’s really no direct proof that it’s solely digital technology responsible for causing the mental health decline in young people.

One critic of Heidt’s book points out that over time, studies regarding depression and social media (quote) “suggest not that social media use predicts or causes depression, but that young people who already have mental health problems use platforms more often or in different ways from their healthy peers.”

As a matter of fact, in 2023, both the Surgeon General’s warning and the American Psychological Association’s health advisory about adolescents and social media, stated that social media is not inherently bad and that it can even be as beneficial for some kids (like marginalized groups) as it is harmful for others.

Many researchers and experts say that it’s irresponsible and fear mongering to make sweeping statements about all adolescents and tech. That proposing a ban on phones or social media until age 16, as Heidt does in the book, is actually not the solution.

As a parent already concerned about phones and screens, hearing such proposals may just magnify your anxiety. If you’ve seen your child’s mental health declining or worry that it will decline, see them glued to their phone rather than hanging out in person with friends, can’t get them to turn their phone over at night, can’t get them to go outside or join the family for so much as a 5-minute conversation—you see the phone (and perhaps, social media in particular) as the enemy. Of course, you do.

But again, all young people are not developing mental health disorders by being online. And those who do develop anxiety or depression—it may not be caused by (or at least not 100% by) social media—and if it is, it’s because that young person came to social media with a certain set of individual attributes that made them more vulnerable or they may even be on their phone or social media more because they are depressed or anxious.

The bottom line is that technology, social media, the internet, can be bad, good or neutral depending on how it’s used, the developmental stage of the person using it, the social context and the individual susceptibility of the person using it.

I’ve said this many times – every adolescent (every person) is different, and their thoughts, emotions and behaviors depend on a variety of factors such as temperament, personality, personal history, culture, developmental factors, genetics, environment, parenting, social skills, whether they use substances, and so much more.

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So, while this movement to keep all teens off social media until they’re 16 might sound like a great idea in theory, it’s probably only making you more nervous about your kid having a phone or being on social media. And that’s not what you or any other parent in the universe needs.

Fear breeds shame, irrational reactions, controlling behaviors, lectures, punishment, conflict, and ultimately the disintegration of the relationship between you and your teen, which has an even bigger likelihood of causing mental distress and misbehavior for your teen.

Being overly restrictive with any teen about anything at all—especially without consideration for your particular child’s needs—can backfire bigtime.

A study from 2023 showed that teens, whose parents are overly restrictive about internet access, tend to report substantially lower self-esteem than heavy users of technology.

And despite what we may think, keeping teens off screens does not always equate to more time spent with friends and family—especially if it’s managed in an authoritarian manner. As I’ve said many times before, this type of parenting does not work.

The more we as parents and a society focus solely on the harms that screens do, the less likely we are to be able to actually help our teens manage them. Because unless the entire planet adopts the mentality that we all want to go back to living like we did in the 1980s, we’re stuck with tech as it is. We cannot ignore the fact that most of Gen Z and all of Gen Alpha are growing up with phones and screens integrated into every facet of their lives. It’s how they socialize, communicate, entertain themselves, learn—and is part of their identity formation, and even how they receive emotional support. That’s simply not going to change.

And total abstinence from phones or just social media all the way through age 16 is really not the answer. We’ve seen this from past movements and prevention programs. I’ve talked about it before.

For example, Just Say No to drugs, the DARE program, the fight to keep teens from smoking, or abstain from sex. Total bans, pushing abstinence of anything during adolescence is an uphill battle against the adolescent brain’s reward system (the part that drives risky behavior) not to mention their need for autonomy and being respected by adults.

Trying to keep from teens from doing something by just telling them why it’s bad and that they shouldn’t do it (at all) will never, ever work.

Even knowing that drugs are bad and sex makes babies and spreads disease and driving too fast can get you killed, doesn’t stop them from taking those risks anyway.

To help keep teens safe, we must understand and speak to the unique developmental stage of adolescence.

First, science tells us that they’re much more likely to stay away from something harmful if they think they’re not being respected, are being taken advantage of by big corporations because of their age and status—like Big Tobacco marketing to them to get them hooked on cigarettes or vapes.

And they’re more likely to choose safety over fun if besides just understanding the risks, they’re taught the emotional regulation skills to manage decisions in the heat of the moment.

They’re more likely to consider changing habits or listening to adults when adults speak to them as equals, in a respectful way, rather than talking to them like they’re little kids and simply telling them how dangerous something is and not to do it.

And most importantly, rather than simply telling them not to do it (whatever the it is), we have to accept the fact that they may do it anyway (again because of their brain’s reward system) so they need safeguards in place, and often, harm reduction techniques, to minimize the risk to their health and safety if they do choose to do it.

If we ignore the uniqueness of dealing with the adolescent brain, we don’t end up with healthier, safer kids, we end up with more kids using substances, more underage pregnancies, and more kids talking to strangers and doing dangerous things online.

Our kids’ tech safety is all about teaching them how to navigate the online world – preferably before just handing them a phone or allowing them to open an account on a social media app.

As several experts have pointed out, we don’t give kids a driver’s license at 16 without first teaching them how to drive and giving them a learner’s permit to practice.

The same argument goes for online access. We have to spend a lot of time preparing and teaching our kids about tech and apps before just turning them loose. And we can’t count on abstinence even if they don’t have a phone yet, because they’ll be exposed one way or the other whether you allow it or not.

If you still have the chance with younger kids, it’s much better to start teaching them the skills they need to navigate this tech gradually and with you by their side.

Does that mean it’s too late for older adolescents if they’re already very active online? Not at all—and that’s what parental controls and snooping’s for right?

Hold on. I talked about this back in episode 55. Research shows that in order to keep kids safe online, we have to use a combination of digital literacy (coaching, guiding, educating, mentoring, discussing) along with limits and external controls.

If you want to dive in deeper with the science, go back to episode 55, but the bottom line is this: when you discuss the potential online dangers, educate, guide and mentor your kids about what to watch out for, where not to hang out online, how to not become a target, etc., the likelihood they’ll become a victim, decreases. They have to be taught to minimize the risk – better before they’re turned loose with it, but it’s not too late.

However, if you choose to apply external controls (like parental control apps, a Bark phone, etc.) and rules about screen time, or what apps they can use, etc. without any discussion, education, or guidance, your teen is more likely to suffer harm from the internet.

Remember that just being told what to do or not do or having these controls put on them without any discussion or guidance as to why they need them or what to do if they do encounter certain situations online, means they’re more likely to ignore your rules, circumvent the parental controls, and take more risks online.

Implementing parental controls or snooping without at least give them a chance to be heard on the subject and talking about the reasons, violates their sense of autonomy and will not only cause major conflict but will also likely cause rebellion.

You can use parental controls if you feel it’s necessary, but you should always discuss these things with y our teens up front, hear them out, and you should absolutely not use them alone without lots of other guidance.

Devorah Heitner, an expert in tech and kids, and the author of Screenwise and Growing Up in Public says mentoring is more important than monitoring. She says before even thinking about setting up monitoring software that you need to ask yourself if you’ve taught your teen or kids how to deal with the online world. The goal shouldn’t be to catch them doing something wrong, but rather to teach them how to do it right. She has a great article on this – I’ll give you all her links.

This is the same thing that I talk about regarding disciplining your teens in general—it’s about teaching them how to do the things they can’t do yet, not punishing them for not being able to do them yet.

And I’ve never met a teen or tween who couldn’t figure out a work-around to a parental control of any kind. They’ll create multiple Instagram accounts, use VPNs, watch a YouTube video about getting around an app, hide other apps inside a fake app.

In her book, Screentime Solutions, Emily Cherkin, whom I interviewed in episode 144, lists several other reasons that parental controls are not the magic pill you may think – here are a few:

Parental controls don’t teach teens and kids self-regulation, self-control or decision-making and they need these skills when they inevitably run across something they won’t know how to handle online.

These controls can’t teach our kids media literacy or how to protect their privacy or how to safely search the internet. And if you depend on them and feel that your kid is being protected, you are sadly mistaken. Here’s the hard truth: you cannot keep them from being exposed to things online—they will be exposed to everything. So, it’s your job to make sure that they know how to deal with it.

Parental controls can’t replace preparing them for what they’ll see online. We have to build our relationship with them so they’ll come to us when they do see something they shouldn’t have. As Emily explains, if we haven’t built this relationship, they’ll just stay online and search for more answers there—and we certainly don’t want that.

Parental controls do not monitor in-app content. It appears there’s not a single parental control app or software that filters or blocks any sort of content inside any of the apps – period. This type of meddling is prevented by the tech companies that own the platforms. They’re not going to let some third-party software company come in and mess with their algorithms (which means kids wouldn’t be as hooked and would spend less time on the app and therefore decrease their ad revenue).

Plus, parental controls are confusing and a ton of work and can cause you to spend even more time on your own phone trying to figure out how to monitor your teen. And, in-app parental controls do nothing. If they did, the tech companies would simply be taking money out of their pockets. Never count on these.

Okay, okay Ann, I get it – I need to teach them instead of trying to keep them away from everything. But what about screen time.

I know that’s the big concern, the daily argument. So, assuming you’ve got all the mentoring and teaching down to a science and you’re not too dependent on parental control apps – how much time should you allow your teen on screens?

You’re going to hate this answer.

It depends.

Hold on – this is going to make you feel better okay. Because there’s certainly enough shaming going on out there about screentime isn’t there? Especially regarding our younger kids and tweens.

There are lots of parents with very definitive ideas about kids and screens or phones and they like to share it—loudly and often.

This can make for a very judgy atmosphere—especially among moms—because let’s face it, that’s among whom most of these conversations are taking place. It seems almost elitist now to poo poo screentime. It’s like screen-free time is the new Kambucha or Boba Tea.

“Oh no, we only let our 7^th grader watch educational programming on the family television, no computer, ipad or phones until he leaves for Harvard.”

Or you’re doing all you can to keep your 11-year-old from begging every day for a phone and meanwhile the 7-year-old across the street is sporting the latest iPhone with a Snapchat account.

We are all swimming in a vast sea of judgment and shame and trying to just keep our heads above water and our children safe.

So, A. I want to say this: when people start talking about what they allow and don’t allow regarding their kids or teens and anything digital…DO NOT LISTEN. I’m just gonna’ say it – the likelihood that it’s the full truth anyway, is somewhere around slim and none (or their kids are sneaking around doing whatever they want).

And what did I just say minutes ago about our kids? They are all different. They all bring different gifts to the party, and one cannot be compared to another—not even within the family and certainly not merely by age.

Let’s just make a pact that we’ll all stop comparing ourselves, our kids, our family to anyone else, okay? It’s fear-based parenting and we don’t want that.

Now let’s dissect screen-time a little bit. Some experts and several studies point out that all screen time is not created equally. They say that active screen time is better than passive screentime for kids and adolescents.

Active generally being defined as more of a creative endeavor or learning something – maybe playing a complicated video game, writing music with garage band, or creating a YouTube account and making videos. Passive is what most teens are doing (and what drives us insane as parents)—scrolling Instagram or TikTok or playing a mindless game based solely on luck.

Now as far as the science goes on this, the jury does still seem to be out. Is there really a difference in the way they spend time on screens? Probably not as far as sleep goes but right now, at least, let’s just go with active is better than passive, alright?

Because common sense at least, tells us that there’s a big difference between watching TikTok and creating a piece of art with a drawing app.

There’s a fella named Richard Culatta, that I just ran across. Culatta was appointed by President Obama to lead the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Educational Technology and is now the CEO of the International Society for Technology and Education. Anyway, he wrote a book called, Digital for Good: Raising Kids to Thrive in an Online World and I read an interview with him in the Substack publication, The Examined Family. Again, I’ll provide links.

In the interview he compared what he called sedentary screen time and engaged screen time – same as active and passive. And again, tells us that we shouldn’t think of screen time either on or off or good or bad—it’s just not that simple. He suggests we focus on the value of any particular activity online rather than the time spent in that activity.

Wow, that’s freeing, isn’t it?

He also says you have to consider context – which I think most of us do. Long trips in the car or on a plane or sick in bed – the same rules may not apply. It’s as I say all the time, you must be flexible.

So, rather than simply looking at time spent on the phone or computer or gaming system, you and your teen could come up with a system of valuation for all their activities then decide how to divide time among them.

For example, in his family they created a list of what they call low, medium and high bar activities. These are things that happen both online and in real life.

Their low-bar activities are more passive like watching an educational video and listening to music. Medium-bar activities include things like reading or playing a board game. And their high-bar activities are things like writing a letter or Facetiming a relative, learning words in a foreign language app or composing music in an app.

So, for instance, he says that on Sundays between morning worship services and dinner, they allow their kids to do any medium or high bar activity they want, whenever and for however long they want.

But to do a low-bar activity (much more passive or sedentary as he puts it), they have to do a high bar activity first. That’s it.

That’s what works for their family, with their younger kids.

What works for your family may look nothing like that.

For example, does your teen have ADHD, do they need more stimulating activities? Are they sleep deprived? Do they get really wired playing online games?

I can’t repeat this enough—every kid is different. These are discussions and negotiations that must take place in your family, without consideration for what other families are doing (unless you just want ideas).

Most importantly though, these decisions cannot be made unilaterally. You need to ask for and then thoroughly listen to your teen’s input, perhaps make lists like the Culatta family, establish a point system or something of that nature. Perhaps consider blocks of time and types of activities rather than time limits which cause lost of conflict.

Emily Cherkin says in her book that you need to consider your family’s specific values rather than focus on screen time. I believe this is a lot like what Culatta is saying here--the activities must be weighed against your family values.

So, for example, Emily has a long list of values listed in her book so you could literally go down the list, discuss it with your family, if you’ve never done it and decide what matters most to you—yeah, this is what we value here.

For example, maybe your family values are connection, security, service, and tradition? Or maybe they’re are honesty, openness, kindness, and community.

And I think your teen needs to determine their own values as well—like health, education, and chastity (we can dream, can’t we?).

Nailing down these values should help in many conversations with your teen,  “Can I go see so and so in concert and skip grandma’s 90’s birthday party?” Do you feel that aligns with our values of XYZ?

This focus on values removes the external pressure of what everyone else is allowing or not allowing—the judgment, shame or guilt of it all.

So, what if your teen spent all afternoon writing his first screenplay while the neighbor’s kid was outside playing soccer. Did it align with your family’s values? Alright then. Isn’t it wonderful that we all have the ability to decide, along with other family members, how this screentime stuff is going to go? And what we decide is neither better nor worse than what any other family decides.

It will be so much better for you and your kids if you can put aside any judgement about the tech and simply get curious, ask questions about what your kid wants to spend their time doing, let them show you and explain why they love that game so much or want to be on Instagram so often. Ask open-ended questions, acknowledge their feelings about it, and try to see things with fresh unbiased eyes.

If you are honoring your child in this way, while teaching them what to watch out for, making sure they stay vigilant online and know how to put themselves out there according to their values, you’ll have a much better chance at keeping them safe and healthy than simply sticking to a certain screentime rule or just using parental controls.

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Alright, I really don’t feel like we’re finished talking about this but I’ve gone on long enough.

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you here’s how long your kid should spend online, doing only this for these hours of the day. But you can figure this out for your kid.

I’d love to hear from you in the Facebook group or via email at acoleman@speakingofteens.com if you’d like me to go further about tech or social media. I’d really like to know and I’m happy to do so if I hear from enough people who’re interested.

Alright, that’s it today for Speaking of Teens, thank you so much for being here to the end, I hope it was helpful, and I hope you’ll consider sharing it with a friend.

If you’re new here be sure to click the link for the free Parenting Guides and grab what you need and you can check out the show notes for links for everything I mentioned today.

Alright, until next time, be sure and try to connect with your teen in at least some small way, each and every day.