Your kid is not broken. You’re not a horrible parent. You have not spoiled them or ruined them in any way. They don’t need to be “fixed”, and they are not going to turn out to be a rotten adult human. Okay?

Now, that we’ve gotten that out of the way, stay with me while I help you change your mindset about several misunderstandings you likely have about your teen.

PODCAST INTRO

It really troubles me that you and other parents of adolescents are possibly mistaking their typical, developmentally appropriate behavior for something nefarious, something they could change if they wanted, something you created, or something that must be straightened out or fixed or punished away.

It’s not your fault for thinking this way because how are you supposed to know what’s typical and expected and what isn’t.

And what worries me is that when you don’t understand these issues, you’re much more likely to address them inappropriately and cause more conflict, chaos, disconnection and “bad behavior”. I don’t want that for you.

So, let’s talk about what I think are probably the top 3 misunderstandings parents make about their teen’s behavior and how to adjust your thinking about them.

The first misunderstanding that I hear all the time is “my teen is spoiled or entitled or shallow or narcissistic” – they want everything, don’t care what it costs, think they deserve it, they have to wear the best, have the latest, etc.

But hold on - this is not because they’re spoiled or entitled or anything like that. And it’s not because you’ve catered to them or bought them too much or set a bad example.

Because of a specific process their brain is going through right now, the most important thing in the world to them is to fit in and be accepted by their peers.

In their mind, to be left out of the group, to be singled out as not looking the same, not having the same things, feels like death. Seriously – this is an evolutionary process. Their brain is forcing them to be accepted by a tribe (their peers), to move further away from the family unit in a physical sense, in an effort to find a mate and perpetuate the human race. For real. This is simply how it works. And the fact that in a modern society, being accepted means having certain clothes and shoes and phones – that’s not their fault. It’s simply the way it is.

Now, I’m not telling you that you have to buy your kid everything they want – of course not. But I want you to understand that lecturing them about being their own person or not being so obsessed with labels and brands or being popular – is likely going to fall on deaf ears. Again, being accepted at this age, literally means looking, acting, and sounding like everyone else – specifically, the popular kids who lead the pack or tribe that they want to be part of.

They’re not thinking about the price tag, what it means to the family to sacrifice for these things or how hard you work to provide what you can afford. Their evolutionary directive is to be accepted - period. It’s neurobiology – it’s not a conscious decision to be difficult or demanding or unappreciative for what they have or what you can afford. Acceptance by their peers is as strong a need for them right now as being held by you when they were little.

So, please try to understand this, have empathy for what their brain is putting them through and know, in your heart that this has nothing to do with how you’ve raised them or influenced them. Stop beating yourself up, stop fussing at them for having this need and stop trying to talk them out of it or change their mind about it all. Negotiate what you can and cannot do for them with this understanding and empathy.

I want you to understand that there are so many structural and functional changes going on in your kid’s brain starting with the onset of puberty. These are unavoidable and there are very specific “side effects”. And when you see these side effects without realizing the underlying reasons for them, you can assume the worst, jump to conclusions about their character or how you’ve parented them. And those assumptions color how you think about their behavior, how you feel about your kid and how you respond to them – parent them.

So, if you assume wrong, you can end up parenting them inappropriately—you scold, shame, lecture, punish…when you assume they’re doing something on purpose or could act differently from the way they are.

You get nervous about it and try to stop it at all costs, which can lead to rebellion from your teen, which causes you to just double down with your control and things continue to spiral out of control.

To change this trajectory, you must start with understanding and empathy.

Another misunderstanding that goes hand in hand with the assumption that they’re spoiled is that they just don’t like you anymore, and that they don’t care about the family.

They don’t want to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie with you, they’d rather hang out with friends or hole up in their room than do a family activity.

You take it personally, you see them slipping through your fingers, you miss how it used to be. You resent the time they spend away from you and the fact that they just seem to brush the family aside so you insist on “family time” or forced fun, which usually doesn’t turn out so well.

But, again, this pulling away from the family and moving more towards their own tribe, is part of the process their brain is taking them through to become adults. As soon as humans are old enough to make tiny humans, the brain is programmed to get them out into the world, do new things, have new experiences, meet new people, find their own community or tribe, choose a mate and insure the continuation of the human race. It’s evolution and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

But none of this means they don’t still love you. It doesn’t mean they don’t still need you because they very much need you until their brain is fully mature. However, without this process, our offspring would be living in our basement until we force them out. And I don’t think anyone wants that.

If their brain allowed them to still think of you as their superhero, they wouldn’t want to leave your side to go out into the world.

We can’t have it both ways, unfortunately. They have to grow up and they have to think differently and feel differently and act differently right now, in order to get there.

Of course, I know that doesn’t make it any easier to accept. But if you want to remain emotionally connected to them, you have to. Because they still need that deep emotional connection with you, despite pulling away physically. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but it’s true.

This is why understanding all of this and having empathy for them is so important. It will help you regulate your own emotions so you’re not so afraid of “losing them”, so you don’t argue and scold so much about them wanting to be with their boyfriend or girlfriend more than with you and the family.

It’s 100% up to you to maintain this emotional connection with them. It’s not up to them – they’re doing what nature intends. But your response to this process of them pulling away physically (and all the other changes they go through) will determine whether you do or do not stay connected to them.

And critically, it’s through your emotional connection that you’ll be able to guide them and influence their behavior. Not through punishment and lectures.

Something else you may have assumed about your teen at one time or another, is that they have an anger issue or some deep emotional or behavioral issue.

Now, it is true that there are teens with these issues – more now than ever before. But it’s also true that typical teen behavior can certainly look like these issues when you don’t understand their neurobiology.

Adolescents respond to environmental stimuli – things going on around them –differently from kids or adults because of a mismatch of processes going on in their brain.

The emotional part of their brain is super sensitive while the part of the brain that helps maintain emotional equilibrium is really weak. They just don’t have the ability to keep from getting really upset over nothing, or to calm themselves down like we do. They don’t have that same self-control, and they can’t help that. Again, this is a function of neurobiology – it’s not their fault.

So, what you often get is a kid who displays rude, or mean behavior, temper fits or meltdowns that seem completely irrational and totally out of character. And it’s your response to these behaviors that can either make this behavior more intense and frequent or help them learn how to get it under control. And it can be your response to them that can put them on the path to develop a mental health disorder.

Because, let’s be honest, we don’t want a rude, out of control kid. And the older and bigger they get, the scarier this behavior can be. We start worrying that maybe act this way with other people, what if they don’t grow out of it, what have I done to cause this, this is embarrassing, I’ve got to make them stop, we’ve got to nip this in the bud, somebody has to fix them.

 

 

And let me tell you, if you’re kid is neurodivergent, they have ADHD, ASD, learning issues or you already know they have an anxiety disorder or other mental health condition, this emotional reactivity will be much more intense.

The way we feel about their behavior and respond to it, is very much a product of how we were raised and the society we live in.

For generations, the focus of parenting has been almost solely on kids’ outward behavior – in many cases to the exclusion of everything else (the why behind the behavior).

The primary parenting approach in the western world has been very authoritarian, very obedience-focused, demanding. Kids have been generally expected to do as they’re told, without question, and for them to do anything less is a poor reflection on the parents.

Unfortunately, this style of parenting can cause emotionally confused and dysregulated children with low-self-esteem, low self-worth, who’re emotionally disconnected from their parents.

And when these kids grow up to be parents, the cycle continues--unless we learn to parent differently.

The lesson we’ve learned over the past few decades of scientific research (which has still not been embraced by all parents) is that parenting should be a balance of kindness or warmness and firmness. That children’s thoughts and emotions lead to their behavior and you cannot address the behavior, without addressing these thoughts and emotions. That emotional connection with your children is how you help them manage their own behavior.

We often don’t even realize that our thoughts and feelings, our worries and fears, are what cause us to behave and parent the way we do.

The way we were parented, the culture in which we were raised, our life experiences—all of this coalesces into how we think about or interpret our kid’s behavior. And the way we think, impacts how we feel and how we feel impacts our behavior.

So, when your kid acts out in anger, has a meltdown, or is rude or disrespectful to you, you might think, “Oh no you don’t – no kid of mine is going to act like this” or you might think, “How is she ever going to make and keep friends?”

 

You may then feel angry, hurt, afraid, or everything all at once. In fact, you may think you’re angry and you may behave like you’re angry, when in fact it’s fear hiding out under that anger. Fear for their future-how things will turn out for them. And this fear, in turn, usually causes parents to step in to try and control that behavior.

And when we try to control our teen, we issue strict unilateral rules, yell, punish or consequence, lecture, shame – we might take all sorts of inappropriate measures because we feel like if we don’t, we can’t save them from themselves – we’re terrified for them.

And unless you haven’t realized this yet, teens don’t respond well to this type of controlling parenting. They fight against it – there’s lots of power struggles and conflict. And they get sneakier, they lie, they rebel. Your emotional connection is obliterated, they will not listen to a word you say. This type of family chaos and constant turmoil can lead to mental health disorders like anxiety or depression.

This is why having a better understanding of adolescent neurobiology and generally why they think feel and act the way they do, is so important – it can quale some of that fear.

And you have to be able to understand your own thoughts and feelings (your fear especially) so you can manage your response to their behavior - because as I said, it’s your response that can make or break your connection and determine their behavior from that point forward.

You must address their behavior keeping in mind that they’re not acting the way they do, on purpose. You have to change your thinking to change your emotions, so you can change your behavior – your response to them. That’s critical here.

So, you have to change your thinking about your teen’s outward behavior - that cannot be your sole focus. You need to get curious about their thoughts and emotions, understand why they do what they do and have empathy for what they’re going through.

Accept that there are things going on in their brain that they cannot control. Accept that their behavior is driven by is neurobiology and cannot be punished or lectured out of them.

Accept that their behavior is not a personal attack, usually not a manipulation, and it’s not because they’re a spoiled, angry, mean, person who hates you and is going to end up a miserable adult.

Accept that they are doing the very best they can with the brain they have right now. If they could do better, they’d do better. They don’t want to feel and act this way anymore than you want them to.

Stop thinking, “they could stop acting like this if they just wanted to or tried harder, or that they should know better than to act this way at their age.”

There’s no other way to say this to you – that is flawed, incorrect thinking – period. You have to put those thoughts out of your mind. Your teen is simply acting the way their brain intends them to act. Your response to this is what determines the rest.

If you’re a new listener, it may sound like I’m telling you to ignore “bad behavior”, to just give them a pass. That’s not what I’m saying at all. You have to learn more.

Your next step is to take a deeper dive into these issues, learn more about their brain, your own thoughts, and emotions, and how to respond to them better when they’re not acting as expected, how to do discipline the right way.

And the best place to start is with my series on the foundational elements of parenting teens – epsidoes 130 through 137. Those episodes will lead you to other episodes and free parenting guides. This will help you get the big picture and where you go from there is up to you.

I’ll have all this information for you in the show notes – the link to which you can find in the episode description where you’re listening right now.

So, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today, but I want to wish you an incredibly happy new year since I’m releasing this episode New Year’s Eve 2025. I also want to thank you for supporting me and my work through listening and sharing this podcast, and reading and sharing the newsletter which is now available on Substack and comes out the same day as the podcast – each Tuesday.

I’m working on a great line up of episodes for the coming year and some other exciting stuff, so be sure and follow me where you’re listening, so you won’t miss a thing.

Until next time, remember to connect with your teen in some small way each and every day.