Has your kid ever asked you for a mental health day off from school?

This issue came up in the Speaking of Teens Facebook group yesterday. A parent was interested in getting feedback from others in the group about how they dealt with requests from their teens about staying home from school for a mental health day.

And since I’ve never addressed the topic on the podcast before, I thought, why not? SO, let’s talk about it? Should you allow it? When should you allow it? What does the law say about it?

I’ll talk about all of this and more – stay right there.

PODCAST INTRO

What do you think? Are you in favor for allowing your teen or tween a day off here and there for their mental health?

It’s such a new concept. Can you imagine when you were younger if you’d asked for a day off for your mental health? It was unheard of.

Thankfully, things have changed and according to a National Alliance on Mental Illness report in December 2021, around 70% of parents favor schools granting kids mental health days off. Very Well Mind did a survey that found 75% of parents favored schools doing so.

Does your child’s school allow for this? I’m sure districts can decide to do so without a state law in place, but there are, in fact, 12 states that have laws regarding how schools can deal with mental health days.

Some of these laws limit the number of days allowed, some require a mental health professional to provide a note for the student upon their return.

How do you feel about this?

I checked a Reddit thread, and I can tell you that there are lots of differing opinions. Some people feel teenagers would misuse these days off simply lying around watching TikTok videos all day. Some feel like you should just take a sick day – no additional days required. And others feel like these days should almost be mandatory.

Why should adolescents be allowed a specific day or number of days off from school to care for their mental health? Well, because, as we know, their mental health is suffering more now than ever before.

And a break can do them so much good. A day to not feel the pressure – to breath – to catch their breath.

Everyone needs to be able to take that respite – especially young people who aren’t as capable of managing their mental health.

As I’ve said many times before, teens and tweens are dealing with so much at school – not just schoolwork. Other teens can be mean, bullies, even. They’re always conscious of how they appear to others, what they say, how they’re dressed, what people are saying online, who talks to them in the halls…it’s a lot!

Some kids may just feign an illness – a sore throat, a stomach ache, a migraine…while others may just straight up tell you – “I can’t do it today”, “it’s been rough this week” or “someone’s being mean to me”.

If you don’t think they’re truly sick, then why do they want to stay home?

This is one of those times where their willingness and ability to talk to you about what they’re feeling is so important. They need to know you’ll hear them out, validate how they feel, and at least entertain the idea that they can’t go to school.

Let them know you’ll listen. “Hey, it doesn’t appear you have a fever, but I know there are times when you just might not want to go to school for some other reason. I’m totally willing to hear you out about that.”

But then you have to make good on your promise to listen, fully, reflect what they tell you – summarize it and say it back to them and then ask them if you got it right. Make sure they know you’re trying to understand.

And be sure to validate how they feel in that moment. “I can see what she said to you really has you anxious about seeing him today.”

Then based on what they tell you, you’ll have to decide whether staying home and taking a mental health day is actually the best solution.

What if they’re dealing with a friend issue, they’re worried about a bully, or they’re mentally exhausted from exams or from completing a huge project.

Perhaps they’re sad and they don’t know why. Or maybe they’re anxious about something going on at home. They could just be ruminating on negative thoughts that have them paralyzed.

Or maybe they’re trying to avoid giving a speech or taking a test or they forgot to do their homework.

Maybe the issue is a learning difference, ADHD or ASD.

But you have to know what’s really going – what are they thinking - before you can figure it out or help them problem solve – which may or may not include staying home from school.

Friend issues, bullies – these things may be able to be figured out with them. Troubling feelings and thoughts may require an appointment with a therapist and a day off. But avoiding school work is of course not a good reason for a mental health day.

Natural consequences are a good teacher. And it’s okay to make such mistakes. Messing up and facing the music will help them prepare for life much more than putting off the inevitable by avoiding the issue.

Avoiding issues at school that they will have to face eventually, is a bad idea. They’re avoiding these things because of their fear – their anxiety. And the only way to work through anxiety is to do the thing you’re afraid of doing.

I think there are SO many things wrong with schools and the education system – oh so many – but as long as it’s the system we have, our kids really need to learn to work it the best they can. To face it straight on and do the best they can. So, although I’m not convinced traditional schools are the best place for all kids, unless you have a ready alternative, your kids will have to make the best of it.

Staying home when they’re afraid to face the work or the teacher or the other kids, will just make the fear grow larger – give it power over them. The longer they avoid, the bigger it grows in their mind.

These kids need tools to deal with the anxiety they face. They have to work through it or it will take them over. And it’s SO hard to see this if you’re the kid and even if you’re the parent. It’s hard to try and get an anxious kid to school – I know. I’ll come back to that in a minute.

Sometimes kids get behind in school and dread going – it’s overwhelming for them.

This is often the case with kids with ADHD or various learning issues. But if they start missing, it will make it even harder to catch up and these requests to stay home will come more and more often.

It’s much better to advocate for them, get them accommodations, find someone to help them with the tools they need so they can stay caught up.

But then again, if you have a kid who’s been willing to stare down the bully, deal with a breakup, speak in front of the class despite the sheer terror they felt, and they just need a day to regroup and chill a bit…it may be a really good idea and just what they need.

None of us can do the hard stuff day in and day out for months on end, feeling on edge because of the stress of it all, without a bit of a break. But you need to discuss up front, what they’ll do with their time if they do stay home for their mental health. It shouldn’t be a ticket to do whatever they want. But it also shouldn’t be a day to catch up on more school work. This break is to preserve and protect their mental health and that’s what they need to do.

Discuss the parameters ahead of time. Are they allowed to use their phone? Are they allowed to play video games?

Or are they required to go outside, take a hike, exercise, read a book, etc.? I think you have to allow for some phone use and maybe some games because, let’s face it, often this is exactly what they need to recharge. But I would at least keep it at a minimum and have them stay off social media.

And I love these examples of limit setting from Child Mind Institute:

• Agreeing on a set number of mental health days per year (and sticking to it). For example, two per semester, or five per school year.
• Working with your child to plan ahead. For example, if you know they’ve got a big project coming up, agreeing that they’ll take a day off to wind down when it’s finished.
• Deciding on black-out days. For example, if Mondays tend to be packed with important information, or if Thursdays your child has a class they’re behind in, those days can’t be used for a break.

Also remember that a mental health break doesn’t necessarily even have to be an entire day. Sometimes just sleeping in an hour or two, going in after lunch, or being picked up early, could do wonders for a kid’s energy and outlook. Be open to ideas, brainstorm with them and see what sticks.

…..

Now if a mental health day here and there does not resolve your kid’s problem and they are constantly trying to beg a day at home or are just unwilling to go to school, it’s a bigger problem and one that certainly needs addressing sooner rather than later.

Get to the bottom of what’s going on if you can. If your teen is murky about it or hesitant to share, you may need to talk to the school, the school counselor, teachers to see if they can shed any light on the problem.

And your teen may tell a counselor if they won’t tell you or maybe the counselor can help them figure out what’s going on. It could be depression, it could a bully, it could be an undiagnosed learning issue. They may need to be evaluated by a psychologist.

Get help to figure it out and get guidance from a professional.

So, there you have it. Mental health days off for teens and tweens can be a really good thing as long as they are not abused, and the day is truly taken to better their mental health. It doesn’t even have to be an entire day – just a break of an hour or two here or there could make a huge difference.

That’s it for another episode of Speaking of Teens – thank you for sticking around – I hope you got something out of the show today and I hope you’ll be back.

If you will, I’d love for you to share the show with a friend or two. My goal is to help as many parents as possible – I need your help.

Come join us in the Facebook group if you need a little support with your teens – we have a wonderful group of parents who are kind and give great advice and I’m also in there on a daily basis. The link is at the bottom of the episode description where you’re listening.

Okay – until next time, be sure and connect with your teen in some tiny way, every day.