Ann

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I remember when things between my son and I were at their absolute worst and his behavior was off the charts scary and anxiety-producing, I just wanted to know that there had been people in this position before who made it to the other side. I wanted just a glimmer of hope. I wanted someone to say, “Oh yeah, we had a hell of a time with our kid, but they’re doing great now.“

Well, if you’re looking for that glimmer of hope, I have it for you today, in spades. You’re going to want to hear this young man’s story.

Today’s guest, Colin McDonald was one of those troublesome teens just over a decade ago. And I’m certain his parents spent many, many their days wringing their hands and worrying about his future, trying to figure out what they could do to make sure he even made it to young adulthood.

Well, he not only made it (after stays in rehabs, a wilderness program and therapeutic boarding school) but he’s a successful college graduate and co-founder of “Not Therapy”, a very specialized type of coaching practice for teens and young adults transitioning out of treatment. He and his partner, Haley Caddis, have very similar experiences and joined forces in January to fill the gap to try and insure other young people like them could find success as well.

I want you to listen carefully to his story and the first bit of advice he has for you as the parent of a teen like he was. And because Colin delivered so much fabulously wonderful advice, in the second half of our conversation, I’m bringing the rest to you in in Tuesday’s episode – so please be sure and to come back for that.

So, here’s Colin McDonald:

 

Colin MacDonald

When I was about 16, 15 years old, just really started going down a path of the road less taken, let's call it. And for me, I...from the outside looking in, I had a lot of friends, I was very active in sports, but I had a very tumultuous relationship with my parents and was definitely the problem child. I'm the oldest of three and definitely at like at one point I thought my parents were gonna get divorced because I was putting so much pressure on them and I'm the oldest and they just didn't know what to really do and so you know at one point I thought they're gonna get divorced literally because of me and this kind of looked like you know I started smoking pot when I was about 14 years old and I was very into doing it on a daily basis. I was experimenting with drugs. I wouldn't call myself like a full -blown addict or anything like that, but definitely much earlier than most young kids my age. And then I started, you know, not doing well in school. I was, you know, all I was sneaking out every night. I had some very severe anger management as well as just, you know, depression.

My life was like so entwined in girls and my social life that when those weren't going well, I just felt like my whole world was crumbling in on me. And so my parents, you I was in therapy since about fourth grade and, you know, didn't really love therapy by any means. And that eventually started leading into therapy not being enough. So I went to like inpatient, outpatient. And then from the time I was, you know, 14, I would say 15 to 16, I actually went to eight different psych wards. I was in and out of psych wards and it was one of those things where I didn't really know how to handle my emotions. I didn't really know how to structure my life and my parents had no idea what to do. And honestly, psych wards sometimes felt like a safe place for me. But then when I was in them, I always was like, I'm not like some of the people in here.

And then at one point I had kind of like a attempted suicide overdose where I had to go get, you know, ambulance to the hospital, get my stomach pumped and as that, you know, the eighth psych ward kind of was coming to a close, my parents sent me to like a state -funded rehab facility in Spokane, Washington, where I was there for a month, which, you know, it was good, but I feel like sometimes those state -funded rehabs, there was people that were in gangs and like had super heroin addictions that were 17 years old and it just didn't really connect with me very much.

And so when I got out within a week I think my life totally crumbled. I remember my dad found me. I had snuck out to like go see a girlfriend at the time and I had this like mental breakdown and I think she broke up with me or something and I was in this school and my parents found out I was gone and I was like crying and a ball behind this middle school and my dad came and just you know it wasn't working. So that next morning my or that night I think the next day my parents showed me a video of people backpacking through the wilderness just said, hey, we want you to go try this out. You're going to be gone for 28 days.

And I just remember because I'd been going in and out of like all these treatments, I was just like, all right, 28 days, it's just another treatment. It didn't show the extent of what wilderness therapy was. And so then my parents were like, hey, you know, you're well, I was like, when am I going there? So you're leaving at like 5 a .m. the next morning. And I was like, and I think it was probably like 9 p .m., 10 p .m. I was like, well, can I go say goodbye to my friends? And they're like, no, no, you we were just wanting to stay home and I talked to some of my friends and I remember like, I'm just going to be gone for 28 days. And they actually had some of my uncles come over to spend time with me. And then the next morning, my dad flew with me to Vegas, dropped me off with some transporters. And then next day I was at Red Cliff Ascent. And I just remember very quickly, they put you in a group where you're with kind of other people who are just starting off in the field and just realizing it was definitely different than all the treatment facilities I'd gone to. But then once I actually got put into the field with my group, I just remember all these guys so dirty. And I asked them, how long have you been out here? And I guess it's changed now, but there was people in my wilderness for like six months. It was like there were people there had like four months, five months, six months. And I just remember I was like, shoot,

 

 

Ann

shit.

 

Colin

I am not gonna be here. Yeah, oh shit, exactly. I'm like, I am not gonna be here for 28 days and

 

Ann

my God, you mean they had not been like out of the wilderness in that

 

Colin MacDonald

Yeah, they've been in Red Cliff the whole entire time. I mean, I would say maybe like six, seven months was the longest I'd seen anyone. But that was the first time, like I'd obviously cried about mental health related things, but it was the first time where I had this like realization. I remember I like, I'd done a lot of like inner child healing where I go back to this moment where I like pulled my mat aside, had my back to the group and I just like bawled my eyes out. like, how is my life at this point where I am in the wilderness with these guys who are so dirty. Like, am I really that bad of a kid that I had to get to this point? So then I was there for three months and, I really did like my time at Red Cliff. I was very much like, want to leave. And they said like the minimum you would be there is three months. And so I got out like right around the minimum, which, you know, to today's day and age, three months is a long time to be there.

And then while I was there, you know, my parents believed that I was going to go home when I got sent away. But hired that consultant and I remember I got a letter saying like, we're going to send you to a boarding school. And in my mind, you know, I'm thinking boarding school at the time. I was thinking like Harry Potter going to Hogwarts or something like really, yeah, like something really exciting. Yeah, exactly. And so I went to a boarding school in North Idaho called North us Academy that was really created for 17 year olds to go there and finish high school. And so there, you know, there's about 55 people there

 

Ann

Yeah, yeah. Hoity -toity really. Yeah. Fine boarding school.

 

Colin MacDonald

I just remember my first week there, I was like, this is not anything like I thought I was going to. And I hated it. I'll be honest, I hated it at first. And I actually ran away. I escaped from the boarding school in the middle of the night. I had just had my 17th birthday and I walked 180 miles, sleeping on the side of the highway. Like when was a missing person, my parents had just sent me away and they were just like, you lost him? Like he just got there.

 

Ann

I've been there because my son escaped from residential treatment. been there. Let me, I want to ask you something just before we go on about the boarding school. So when you got there, it was Red Cliffs, right? It's where you got in the wilderness and you're sitting there bawling and you're thinking, am I really this bad of a kid? What were your feelings at that point towards your parents? Because I'm really kind of shocked they were able to tell you you were going and then fly with you out because that would have never happened with my son. It would have been, you know, a total battle. So just what, do you remember what you were thinking?

 

Colin MacDonald

Yeah, so I would say one thing that's different with my experience is I've been going to all these treatment centers. So when my parents are saying like, it's 28 days, it's in Utah, I was just thinking it was another treatment center and I was like, open to going to treatment. So, you know, I didn't know the full extent. I knew something was a little bit different because I remember I was flying into Vegas with my dad and he started crying on the plane and he started crying. Yeah.

 

Ann

No, you saw me tearing up. mean, it just makes me sad to think about it. Yeah.

 

Colin MacDonald

Yeah, and so he started crying and I was like, why are you crying, man? I'll be back in 28 days. And I remember he just like patted me on the shoulder. I was like, it's going to be okay, buddy. Like, you know, you're going to do great. And then I remember when I got picked up by the transporters, I'm in this car with them and they were just I'm like, where am I going? Like, what can you give me? And they're like, no, we just pick kids up and we drop them off. And so I literally had no idea. And, you know, the funny thing is, is I didn't really have resentment towards my parents at first. Like when I was in wilderness, you know, it wasn't for a long term. And when I started to have resentment towards my parents was when I got to my therapeutic boarding school and it wasn't anything like they had told them. And I also thought they had been lied to about what they thought the experience was. What actually led me to running away was it was my birthday and I was allowed to have a phone call with my parents and it was on speakerphone with the staff and I'm like talking to them for a few minutes and then I just like get overwhelmed with emotion and I'm like, this is not the place that you thought you sent me. Like, please get me out of here. This is an awful place. And they actually hung up the phone on my parents and they were like, you can't have those conversations with your parents. Like you're here.

And my parents always, when I was growing up, they would always tell me, we want to be the first person that you call. We want to be the person that when you're in trouble, you feel like you can reach out to us. And so then I'm in this situation where my parents now all of a sudden aren't there to support me. I'm by myself. I'm in this place where I feel like people don't have my best interests in mind. And so that's why when, and then what ended up happening was when I ran away, I got all the way from where my school was in North Idaho to Spokane where I had actually gone to rehab. So I kind of knew the lay of the land and my parents were like, we're going to come meet you there. And I knew, you know, like if they, they could trick me and get escorts or whatever to come get me. So I was like, if you guys call escorts, I'm going to run away and you'll never hear from me again. And so I just put my parents in this really tough situation where my dad came and he got a hotel and we got to the hotel and he was like, you've been sleeping on the side of the freeway. Like you need to take a shower.

And so I took a shower and when I got out of the shower, escorts came in and took me back to the boarding school. And so I actually didn't really talk to my parents for almost like six months after that. I really had a lot of resentment. in our mind, I feel like a lot of people that go to treatment feel the same way is the treatment centers have a good interest in mind and they're in a very tough situation,

 

Colin MacDonald

We feel like they're not telling our parents the full story of like what it's really like to go there. And even when my parents would come for a visit, you know, they would, it would be way better. And I, yeah, the better food. Yeah, exactly.

 

Ann

Everything would be cleaned up and everybody would be on their best behavior. yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. You have the best food that you've had in a while. yeah. Yep. My son said the same

 

Colin MacDonald

Exactly. And so I would tell them, like, listen, and this is something I just want parents to hear, I understand I'm here, but I just need you to realize that this place kind of sucks. Like, this is not what I wanted for my high school to finish out like, right? And so I think that was a big thing that for even years after I left, especially with my dad, I would be like, I graduated, I'm in college. Like, I just want you to understand that it was really

 

Colin MacDonald

Like it was just not something you put me in that I didn't want to do, that I got through. And he would always say, well, you know, it's really, really hard on us to being your parents, you know, you put us through a lot. And like what we just see where that's where the resentment builds and what we recommend to any parents that we talk to is just like, you don't have to fully understand. You just have to say, I don't understand what you've gone through, but I'm really appreciative that you did it. And I'm really proud of where you are now.

Because you're never gonna understand. And that's why we created Not Therapy, because the only people to understand are the people I've gone through. Some of my closest relationships in life are the kids. I mean, was at Northwest for 17 months. I never got to go home or anything. We had no internet, we had no phones, we didn't get to talk to our friends. so my boarding school at Northwest Academy, yeah, it's no longer

 

Ann

Northwest, is that the, is that the, okay,

 

Colin MacDonald

Honestly, I would say somewhat unfortunately because I have made some great relationships and I definitely view it as the hardest thing I've ever gone through and both Haley and I believe like if you can go through one of these experiences and come out at the other side and have success, it's something that you know, it's not something you wanted to have happen, but it's something that was really hard that you went through that made you be able to have the resiliency as you come into your formidable years as a young adult, a late teenager. And so, you know,

 

Ann

But all right, so I want to go back just one second though. And I want to ask you this because like with parents, for instance, when you're, and you may, maybe you get into this when we talk about things that parents should know. But one thing I'm hearing you say is that parents instead, of us saying, well, you know, it was hard on us too. I mean, we had to put up with your butt and we, you know, we didn't know what else to do. I mean, what we need to do is kind of own our part in it and, and understand and acknowledge how difficult this was for you as an adolescent and not having a fully grown brain and not being able to control their, their, their emotions. So we need to say, I mean, I've said, I'm sorry a million times to my son for even having sent him away. But saying, like your parents probably, you we didn't know what else to do. But so do you think it's an important like, is an apology necessary or is it just more of the acknowledgement that we know you had a hard

 

Colin MacDonald

Yeah, I think it's both. think an apology, like don't regret your decision, but be apologetic that you put them through something really hard and like you put them through it, right? Like, yeah, maybe they set themselves up for not success. And so you felt like you, you know, you did the best with the information you had and this is what you felt like you needed to do. And at some point I do believe that your child will realize that, especially if they can have success after. But I think the other thing to realize is when you're in a program.

 

You're doing hard stuff every day. You're in therapy every day. I we had group therapy every single day. We were meeting with our therapist once or twice a week. You're in a therapeutic environment where you have very strict rules. know, like maybe some young adult transitional programs are a little bit different, but it really is a very taxing place to be. And then what we always see is like, well, what are your parents doing while you're gone to prepare for you to come home? You know, are your parents going to therapy? Are your parents joining an organization like yours where they get additional support, you need to be a different person when your kid comes out as well, because otherwise it's not gonna work. Otherwise, you're just gonna have the same expectations that you had when your kid left. If they're not perfect, you're gonna hold resentment against them because you just spent all this money and sent your kid away. And so I think it's really important for the parents to show up. Show up to all the parent weekends, show up to all the calls, be doing the work together if you're still married or if you're separated doing it individually because that is where your kid will see you showing up and doing the work as well. And that's going to go further with an apology and with like trying to just understand that you don't understand, but you're able to have a little bit of, you know, understanding that you put them through that and that they're going to be a different person afterwards. mean, sending anyone away for three months to a year that they're in a therapeutic environment, they're gonna understand things about themselves on an emotional level that they never thought was possible that is way deeper than any one of their peers when they get

 

Ann

Yeah, so what I'm hearing you say is that parents need to be doing the same work. They need to be working on themselves. They need to be figuring out why they're reactive to certain things or how to communicate better with their kids. And like you said, all the stuff that I teach, do you find, I mean, I know you've only been in the places you've been in, but are some of these places better than others at helping parents understand this and preparing them for when their kids come

 

Colin MacDonald

Yeah, I would say, you know, there's things in like every, every place is going to have your weekly therapy. They're going to have, you know, weekends and things like that. I think where some programs do it better than others is setting you up for success afterwards. like how are you, what we really view as the end of treatment is actually the start of your life in a lot of ways. You know, you got through a really, really hard time and, but, but like, how are you now going to ensure that they have success and you're going to be there to support them unconditionally. And that doesn't have to be like, I'm going to let them do whatever. It's about like holding boundaries and setting clear expectations. But your goal is to have a lifelong relationship with your kid. And so it's like, is the program setting you up to have that as a goal and not just you're out of our program and now we're kind of done with you. Because I mean, obviously they're going to be way more focused on the kids that are in their program and that's you know, that's why you know Haley and I view that there was this big gap in the whole transition process that there wasn't enough support just based on what we had seen with the people that we went there with. And so I think that's where some programs are better than others. I think programs have gotten a lot better I mean both Haley and I went to programs about 12 years ago and you know things have changed a lot I mean, obviously there's a lot less programs and also I feel like there's a lot more that are more about executive functioning skills, more coaching based things, goal setting, that it's not just like we're gonna put you in this really shitty situation so you can finish high school and get your credits back.

Ann

Colin makes such valid point about parents acknowledging their teen’s been through something really hard – being in residential treatment or a wilderness program is not a picnic. And of course, we don’t send them off unless we feel there is no other alternative, we don’t have the tools or understand the changes that we need to make in ourselves. But they’ve been through a lot at a very young age and we should acknowledge – and also we need to show our kids that we’re working on ourselves, that we’re getting the support we need to make the necessary changes to our mindset, our expectations, our behavior.

Colin and Haley named their coaching business “not therapy” because he says so many parents reached out to them about their teens coming out of treatment saying, “my kid’s refusing to do anything now that they're done with treatment because they're done with therapy.”

They provide a very high-touch 3-month program, working individually with teens and young adults who want to work with them. They have the lived experience, they get to know their clients, swap war-stories, hang out with them doing things they want to do. They help the whole family create a plan and set goals and boundaries using what they call, “the 4 pillars of transition” – that’s what Colin talks about in the next episode of Speaking of Teens.

Alright, That’s it for me today, I want to thank you for being here and invite you, if you’re new here, to jump in to our back-catalog of episodes that I think you’ll find very helpful as you try to manage parenthood in the 21^st century.

I also invite you to join us in the Facebook group for more support – the link is at the bottom of the episode description right where you’re listening.

Okay, until next time, (okay, I’m getting tired of the same sign off – suggestions? I mean a little change does go a long way but may “later gator” would be easy…(trail off) maybe “that’s all folks” “good night and have a pleasant tomorrow” “Peace Out” “that’s the news and I’m outta here” “and now you know the rest of the story”