Ann

It’s hard to describe the satisfaction and the sense of pride I get from working with parents in Parent Camp who’ve literally transformed their family’s life.

It’s so validating - and it fills my heart to know that I can actually help you change the relationship with your teens and have more peace of mind (and peace in your home)

I truly wish we were all born with the innate ability to parent our kids in a way that serves them best.

But unfortunately, that’s just not the way it works.

You and I both have to slog through the repercussions of generational trauma and misinformed parenting practices…not to mention, our own fears and doubts and emotional reactivity.

Thank goodness, many of us find our way. And my sincere hope is that you find your way – through this podcast and my free parenting guides or working more closely with me in Parent Camp.

And I know hearing from other parents who’ve done the work and made these changes in their family, can give you the boost of confidence you need to do it yourself.

So, today, I have another very special episode for you. Stay right there.

This is Speaking of Teens and I’m Ann Coleman. And I’ve worked for almost 6 years now researching, studying, writing, podcasting  and educating parents about teens and how to parent them. You are in the right place if you want to learn how to actually enjoy this stage of life (I mean, sometimes…it’s not like you’re going to be going around every day singing about raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens but – it will be A LOT better).

And my guest today, may not be humming show tunes but she’s going to tell you herself, how things have changed between her, her husband and their teenage son.

Turn the volume up and let’s get to it.

 

 

Mom:

I'm so grateful I found your podcast because anytime my son and my husband and I, if we all got into it, I would need to find something that would give me comfort and find some resource. I'm, I'm a researcher. I want to learn more.

and I happened to stumble upon your podcast and I just started saving all the topics. They all looked of interest to me. So I saved all the topics and I just went through your whole podcast or a lot of your podcasts and it was very, very helpful. And then through your podcast, I found your parent camp and started taking your parent camp. And what I realized is that how I was parenting before was not working for myself, for my son, for my family, I was trying to control way too much. I'm coming from a teacher background and you know, it's almost like I wanted to control a classroom. Like everybody, let's all do the things that need to get done. But it was backfiring and it was causing a lot of conflict between my husband and I, my son and I, and the way we were communicating wasn't working. The way I was going about it, trying to have him be my student, I guess you can say.

 

Mom

I'm not I'm not his teacher, right? I was trying to be a teacher the way I was trying to control things and want things a certain way like it was when he was younger was backfiring and not working and it was causing a lot of Conflict in the home and it was lots of tears everyday frustration and I just we needed help and the way you gave information and helped me understand how his brain works and what's going on in the amygdala and what's going on at this stage of life. Being a teenager, it made all the difference because it made me think about how I need to communicate with him, how I need to communicate differently, how I need to talk to him differently. So it was very helpful.

 

Ann

Yay, I'm so glad that makes me feel so good. So what do you think like beforehand when you were communicating with them, what are the differences that you've made? Like, can you give some examples of the differences that the things that you've learned in the course?

 

Mom

Yes. So instead of just expecting and telling this is how it's going to be, this is what needs to be done, it's more of a conversation. And if things weren't done or things didn't meet expectations is coming alongside him instead of at him. What did you do? Why didn't you do this? Why can't you get this done? It was more a conversation about how to approach things differently. So for example, you know, if he didn't take out the trash or he didn't follow through with something, asking, well, what happened? What's been leading up to that? What can you do differently?

So compared to the way I used to speak with him, I would pretty much say, sometimes there would be yelling. I have to admit, there would be yelling. There would be frustration. Why can't you get this done? What's going on? You need to do this. You need to do that. You need, you need, you need. Instead of coming alongside him now, what happened? Having some empathy, right? What happened?

And then having him explain, having more conversation around it so he can use his problem solving skills. Well, this is what happened. You know, I woke up late, I didn't have enough time. And then we kind of backtrack. Well, how can we problem solve that and have him come up with ideas rather than me barking ideas at him? So that's been really helpful.

 

Ann

Yeah. So your mindset around everything with learning about how his brain works and us talking about that, has that helped them a lot with the empathy?

 

Mom

Absolutely, absolutely, because you start catastrophizing, futurizing. my goodness. What is he going to be like when he's older? He's going to be a slob in his apartment. Can he live on his own? Can he do this? And the catastrophizing, and so understanding how the brain is working and how his prefrontal cortex is not in full gear, and it's causing the fight or flight response, and understanding that, and also understanding you know, the entitlement piece that you explained that they want to fit in and why do you care so much about this? You know, as adults, we kind of realize, that's not such a big deal. But understanding why it's a big deal, how it's in their hard wiring during the stage of development is huge. It makes me understand it a lot better, which helps me have empathy for it, not get so frustrated by it and just kind of helps me understand this is all part of the process of growing up. And so it's been really helpful. really helpful in my own.

 

 

Ann

That empathy helps us not to be so reactive when we see them doing something, right? So we're like, okay, maybe I shouldn't be so upset because he really can't help the way he's reacting right now. Yeah, that was a big thing for me to understand too in the very beginning.

 

Mom

Yes, absolutely. Yes. Yes!

 

Ann

So you told me something right before we got on air about the e -bike and the contract, except you were very proud of the way you handled that. And so am I. Can you tell that story? Okay.

 

Mom

Sure, I can tell the story. we got my son an e -bike and it came with a hefty contract before the keys have to be turned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We actually discussed it together. We discussed this together, but it was a hefty contract. So he has to turn in the keys every night. And then with that in the morning, he has to get certain things done and meet certain expectations and things were not getting done the day before. And I had the keys.

I was about to hop on the podcast recording, so I did not have a lot of time. And I said, how do I need to go about this? I could either, you know, there's choices. I'm like, I yell, I know nothing is going to come from this. So I had him come downstairs and I said, let's have a discussion. He said, what did I do? What did I You didn't do anything. Let's just have a discussion. You know, I'm going to give you the keys, but I need to talk to you about this first. What's going on with you not being able to get some of your stuff done and meeting the expectations before using the e -bike?

And he gave me an explanation. He said he overslept. He's like, I have a plan. I said, tell me your plan. I'm going to be coming home between 1230 and 1 PM today. I said, okay, so you're going to have your stuff done by 1230 or 1 PM today? He says, no, I won't have it done by then because I'm going to be coming home. I said, can you give me a time? He said, I'll have it done by 3 PM. I said, okay, you'll have it done by 3. Now what happens if it's not done by 3? I don't know. We'll discuss it later. I go, no, we need to discuss it now. So we have a plan if you don't follow through. And so he said, I will have it done by 3 p I said, okay. And what happens? He's like, okay, then I won't use my bike the next day if I don't have it done. I said, okay. So I wrote it down on the whiteboard. He said 3 p I circled it. And then we talked about the e -bike and I gave him the keys and let's hope.

 

 

Ann

Wonderful. Yes, let's keep our fingers crossed. But that is, it's so much better because normally or before parent camp, you would have probably said, no, not getting these keys. We're not doing that right.

 

Mom

yeah, yes, yes. And again, I came from, you know, I was always a fair teacher, but if someone didn't follow through, I had 36 students. Someone didn't follow through. You had to set an example like these are the rules. I had high expectations for behavior in the classroom. So if I treated him like that, it would have probably backfired on me. Yeah.

 

Ann

Yeah, yeah. So holding him to it. And that's what most of us want to do is, you know, once we have this rule and things don't go as planned, want, you know, we want to, we want to not back up and make the kids think that they can do whatever they want and roll right over us.

 

 

And so it makes us be a little extreme and a little hard sometimes, whereas the way you handled it was so good because you actually discussed it, let him say what he was going to do and how he was going to make up for the things that he missed and then go from there. So if he doesn't get it done on time, then you have a plan for what the consequences will be. And that's, that is so good because that's the thing that a lot of us miss is involving the kids in choosing that consequence and of being responsible for themselves. You know, they have no one to blame then, but themselves that they did not get something done. You know, well, I've screwed up and I'm not going to have my bike tomorrow. So I think that's perfect.

 

Mom

Honestly, I tell you this all the time, the comfort that you have provided me and the guidance, it's just so valuable. It is truly so valuable. I'm super grateful.

 

Ann

O, tell me this. Back when things were  - there was conflict and things were going on, did you understand, did you have an understanding of what it was you were doing that you needed to correct – did you have any idea at all before you started understanding   about the brain and understanding about listening or were you just clueless like I was?

 

Mom

I don't think I was clueless. I think what happens is, again, I like a lot of information. If I need help with something, I'm going to research it. I'm going to find out. So I had an abundance of parenting books. I can't tell you how many parenting books are in my library. And so I would read information. would, okay, this is what we need to do. This is what we need to do. But that would all go out the window. It would just go out the window. And I had to learn again, like you taught, to control my own emotions.

 

 

So I wasn’t completely clueless on this. These are things I had an understanding of, but the application part was hard. You know, I just kind of like just keep researching and reading and reading, but the application wasn't always coming out correctly. I guess you can say.

 

Ann

Yeah, yeah. And that's what I think, and this is what I understand from other people too, is it's when you take a course and you have people who are going through it with you and talking to you about what you're learning and helping you learn how to apply it to your own situation, it helps you better to be able to think in the moment and actually do what you're supposed to do, right?

 

Mom

Mm -hmm. Yes.

Absolutely. And you are so hands on and you give such great advice, personal advice. It's so helpful. And the way you break things down in ways that is very easy to understand and very easy to implement. like little chunks at a time that help you digest it well and then being able to apply it. it's just, it's not overwhelming. It's little bits at a time. So it's really helpful.

 

Ann

Right, because this can be overwhelming. It's already overwhelming to be the parent of a teenager. You don't need so much information coming at you all at one time. Yeah.

 

Mom

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And can I say this? I think the sooner you start this kind of parenting, you know, is start they go into their tweens, the better. Really. The sooner you start.

 

Ann

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I wish that we would have known, you know, when they were like eight, nine, 10 to start, you know, kind of gearing things toward that way.

 

Ann

You mentioned that you and your husband were arguing about how to handle things as well before. because, you know, we had that same issue. When the kid is acting up and we feel like, you the other person's doing something wrong or we should be doing something better.

That's usually what causes the arguments. mean, what were you guys saying between each other? What was the problem with all this stuff? And then has it gotten better after learning these things?

 

Mom

I wouldn't say so much we were arguing, maybe not so much argument, we were both so frustrated and exhausted. It was mentally draining. So it took up a lot of emotional space. was hard. And so I think learning these techniques, especially mainly for me, mainly for me, I know mainly for me, but learning...

 

Ann

Yeah. Yeah.

Really? Why is that? It's always us.

 

Mom

Some of these techniques have really helped keep the peace in the home, which of course lowers everybody's cortisol levels, stress levels, and just brings more harmony in the home, which makes a big difference. So before it was like we were going to bed exhausted, going to bed frustrated. here was another fight. And not saying maybe a fight within the whole family. here was another argument. And you just, you go to bed exhausted from it and you just want to wake up and have it be a better day and you hope for a better day. And now there are a lot more better days. I mean, I'm not going to say it's perfect. There's definitely times where, yeah, there's times where, you know, I slip up a lot. And then again, when I revisit the information that you've given, go, gosh, I got to do that again. got to, you know, so it's repetition, it's consistency. It's easy when life gets busy and things are chaotic, it's easy to forget. So I think having

 

Ann

Of course not. It's never gonna be.

Right. Yeah.

 

Mom

that accountability, the reminders having you there, revisiting the material is super helpful. So it's brought a lot more harmony in our home and that is something that I'm always striving for.

 

Ann

yeah. Well, so your own emotions, you said that you were the one that you felt like you had to get a grip better. mean, have you begun to understand a little bit more about your emotions and how they play into this? And have you been able to get a little bit of a grip? And how did that come about?

 

Mom

Mm -hmm. Yes. Yes, I am not as reactive. I used to be so reactive when things, when I'd find out things immediately, I just want to jump on it, react. Let's course correct. But now it's pausing. Things aren't an emergency. I mean, some things are, but things happen. it's not an emergency. And taking a moment to not engage in those power struggles and walking away and then you know, coming back and revisiting it and realize like 10 minutes later, it makes it such a difference. You take that pause. And before I would, I would not take the pause. I would not take a pause. I would quickly react. I now listen a lot better, understand that so quick to jump to a solution. I'm more able to listen, empathize and go, gosh, that's really hard. I'm so sorry that happened to you instead of just saying, well, why do you think that happened to you? What could you have done that contributed to it? What did you do? And I'd always jump to, again, I would jump to the other person's perspective right away instead of his. So now I empathize with, that really does stink. I'm so sorry that happened to you. And that makes a huge difference. I think that really promotes more connection and trust. And so that's been really helpful too.

 

Ann

Yeah, what did you do? What did you do? Yeah.

Yeah, is that's one thing I used to do a lot too is and we I think as adults, we always kind of lean towards, well, if our kid got in trouble, then and if there was another adult involved, it was obviously the kid's fault. You know, the adult can't be wrong or, you know, we jump to, what did you do to provoke this? Or, you know, I'm sure the teacher meant it this way or I'm sure they didn't mean to blah, blah, blah.

 

 

Mom

Right.

 

Ann

But yeah, that is a huge deal because kids want to know that we're on their side. It doesn't mean that we have to agree with them, but we can at least empathize with them and validate how they feel about it. That is huge. And I used to do that all the time because my kid had ADHD. So it's like, you know, what did you do to provoke this? But it makes an enormous difference when they feel like they have an ally in us against the world that they always fill up against.

 

Mom

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I do have to share something else that I've noticed. I notice he likes, my son likes to come and tell me when he does, he's like, mom, I went and spoke with this lady who was doing a mural painting and complimented her on how well her painting looks. So he comes and he tells me some of the things that I'm like, wow, that was so kind of you. Like, and he wants to share some of those things with me and it just makes my heart so happy. It really does. said, I think we're doing something right.

 

Ann

Awwww. Yes. So you feel like he's sharing more and maybe opening up a little bit more.

 

Mom

Yes. Yes. He likes to share some of the positive wins. Look at my trick that I just did and look at, you know, so that is, that's just truly very valuable. Very valuable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's huge. that's what, you know, that's our goal because, you know, once they feel like they can come and tell us things, even like that, then they'll become to trust more that they can tell us things that are bothering them, things that maybe they might even feel like otherwise they would have gotten in trouble for, but they can share and they trust us more.

And that's what we want because we want them to be able to share the things that we need to jump in there and maybe help them problem solve. And it's so scary when you go through adolescence and you don't feel like they're telling you everything and you don't feel like they're sharing with you. So that is huge. I'm so glad that you have that that you have that connection with him. And I think like you said, the earlier people start, the better. If you can start before, you know, adolescence, that's great. But even if, I just want people to know that even if you come to this new way of parenting later on, that you can still flip things. I did, my kid was 18, but yes, it's great if you can start earlier, but you still can make a difference. It is possible.

 

Ann

Thank God, fortunately it is. Well, so what things do you feel like that you still need to work on? Like what are the things that still trip you up? Does anything trip you up still or are you finding that you're able to pretty much step back and handle things? What are the issues that you still need to work on you think?

 

Mom

I mean, I'm always a work in progress, aren't we all? I think what I still need help with sometimes is when life gets busy, when I've got my own stuff going on and life gets chaotic, the reminders to take a moment and not be reactive and still step back. So sometimes I slip up and I need to remind myself. It's almost like I needed on a post -it. I needed somewhere on my phone to remind me because I do know when I shift gears and react in a different way, it makes all the difference. So sometimes I do slip up and I still need to work on that and I'm a work in progress. But I guess the thing that's the things that turn me up again, I think because I like things tidy. And again, you've taught me who cares if the room's not tidy. Who cares? It's fine. So there's certain things I have definitely let go because it used to be a power struggle. I, you know, the room's not.

The room's not tidy, but really who does care? And I love the thing that you say about the five categories that we need to make a rule about. So, there's certain things I've let go. There's some things that still frustrate me, if certain things have not been, expectations have not been met, but I've let go of a lot and I'm still, again, work in progress with it. So, yeah.

 

Ann

Yeah, but letting go of some of those things then has given you more peace and less power struggles. Yeah, yeah. Even though it still bothers us, the peace kind of makes up for it, right? I mean, just having the peace and not having the struggle does make up for a little bit of the things that, yeah, still bug us.

 

Mom

Mm -hmm. Yes, absolutely. More peace. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, it still does.

To say another huge win is being at peace with what is. know, it's accepting that this is the stage of life that they're in and understanding it more is giving me a lot more peace. Just with, again, without catastrophizing everything, like, my goodness, if I don't course correct this, is this going to spiral out of control? And is this going to turn into a bigger problem? It's like almost forcing me to accept and be more present with and accepting this is, this is, you know, who my son is. These are his interests. You can't, you know, and, supporting him in that way. They're not little mini, mini versions of their mom and dad. They're completely unique individuals. And I think accepting that is a huge piece because a lot of people, think want them to be similar to how they are or how they were as a teen or maybe, maybe not. don't know. Maybe opposite to how they were, but think having acceptance about that, they are unique individuals and with their own likes and interests and supporting them the best way you can to help nourish their hobbies, their passions has been really helpful.

 

Ann

Mm -hmm. Yeah, I mean, we all have, I think, you know, as they're growing up and when they're little, we have this idea in our head of how it's going to be the older they get. we're going to be so close and we're going to do things together and this is how they're going to be and they're going to have this group of friends and being involved in this and then things don't always turn out that way or they're they have their little quirks or they have their other interests and those aren't the interests we thought they would be interested in.

 

And for some people, just, it blows things out of the water and it can be depressing and it can be upsetting. And then, like you said, the fear takes over like, my gosh, what's he gonna be like when, you know, he gets this age or is this gonna be a huge problem? And you start catastrophizing. And when we do that, that's when the control takes over and we want to get in there and make it different and fix them and make them different. And it just never works out. That just doesn't work out. So, you know, I'm so glad that that you know that now that you figured out that, you know, that they are individuals and that you do just have to nurture their interests. You cannot change your child and you have to accept what you have control over and what you don't have control over. So I love that. I love that you feel more present and more peace with that and that you're nurturing his interests and what he's into and aren't trying to fight it. That's fabulous.

 

Mom

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Because we used it, I would say in the past that wasn't how it was like. You got to play a team sport. got, you know, we were trying to make him do things that he wasn't exactly very interested in and forcing some things on him and instead of really uncovering some of his own passions and nurturing those a little bit more. But sometimes I think it's hard to find, you know, what their, they might not know their passions, right? So. But when you can find those and help nourish them, I think that makes a world of difference.

 

Ann

All the difference in the world. Yep, I mean, it's true. we do, as parents, we have these ideas, like you said, of, you need to play a team sport, you need to do this, you need to be, you know, have that, maybe you need to do a musical instrument, you need to do this. And it's great, I think, to offer all the options and, you know, get them into it, at least in the beginning, and then see how it shakes out. Because sometimes, you know, they will gravitate towards this or towards that. I think it's about giving them options.

And seeing what works out, but yeah, all kids are not the same. They are all not going to benefit from team sports. Maybe they do better with cross country running or maybe they do better reading books. My stepson was a book reader. He was not a team sports kid. And guess what? He's a chemical engineer now. So there you go. They're all different.

 

Mom

Right. Right. Can I share one more thing with some of your advice? Okay, one more thing that I think was helpful again as we're talking about passions. So a big thing, you know, he's going to be going to a very large high school. One thing they emphasize over and over, get involved, get involved, get involved in school. And so instead of saying, again, you need to, you should be, you need to, you need to, we sit down and go, what do think your plan's going to be?

when you get into high school to get involved? you want to go to a four -year school? Do you want to go to a two -year school? Do you want to start with junior college? And having more conversation about it, again, rather than dictating you need to, you need to, you need to. What is your plan? What interests you? What do you think would be exciting to try at school? So that's been helpful.

 

Ann

Wonderful. And has he chosen some things that you feel good about?

 

Mom (

Yeah, he has. He has. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. He has. Yeah.

 

Ann

That is wonderful. That is wonderful. that's, you know, that high school age is when we do start, I think, getting a little more concerned and a little more, not worried, but just a little more focused on what comes next. And we've got four years of this and then it's college or it may be, maybe it's not college, maybe it's something else, but.

 

Mom

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

 

Ann

Yeah, and we start looking at, my gosh, you've got to have this and you've got to have that. And if you're going to get into college, you've got to do this and you've got to do this. And that's, think, a lot of struggle comes from that and comes from us being so paranoid and afraid that the grades aren't going to be good enough and that they're not going to have the college resume put together just right and all of that. it does, causes so many issues with kids. And I just told someone yesterday, you know what?

 

Mom

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Ann

There is a way to get into college, some college, for every kid that wants to go almost. I mean, I would say, you can have a very low GPA in high school and still go to a junior college, get your grades up and go to a four -year college. There are so many ways around it. So I want parents to not be so panicked during those four years of high school because it just makes it miserable for you and your kid.

 

Mom

Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, I know. It's a lot of stress around it. I see with other parents and I'll give you an example. Like, he loves skateboarding and they didn't have... Some high schools have a skate PE. He's like, maybe I can help get skate PE at the high school. or be part of the skate club. so that was... Yeah, they have a skate club. Yeah, yeah.

 

Ann

wow, skate club, that's pretty cool. I mean, that's so huge. I'm glad y are there.

 

Mom

I'm again just truly grateful for all your help and the the parent camp I think it's just wonderful revisiting all the information has been super helpful and anytime I always call it my daily dose of Ann in the morning when I unload the dishwasher I listen to something that it's gonna help me throughout the day just hearing your voice and explaining things it just sets the tone for my parenting for the day.

 

Ann

Wow. Okay.

 

Mom

If I could give advice to anyone is just totally, you know, the parent camp hop on board. It is so helpful. And then also listening to your podcast, start with episode one and work your way through it a little bit each day. And I think you give a lot of great insight and really valuable information. give truly so much information that is very helpful. So thank you.

 

Ann

Thank you.

 

All right, there you have it. You CAN do this. You can change your mindset, change your parenting style, become a calmer, more intentional parent, bring more harmony to your home.

If you’re listening before midnight central time on August 28^th, 2024, you still have time to register for the fall cohort. Just scroll down to the bottom of the episode description in the app you’re using to listen to me right now and click on the Parent Camp link. There, you’ll learn all about it and you can register if you’re ready to strengthen the relationship and decrease the conflict with your teen while improving their behavior.

The next Parent Camp is not until the Spring of 2025 so jump in here with me and let’s change things in your home.

Until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way!