Are you worried to death about your teenager right now? Do you feel like you just don’t know what else to do to reel in their behavior or help them through their struggles and make life better at home? Are you even considering sending them to a program away from home?

I found this to be a recurring theme last week in my conversations with parents. It’s a tough spot in which to find yourself – I certainly know – we were there back in 2018.

Stay with me and let’s talk about what you can do, when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope.

This is Speaking of Teens, and I’m Ann Coleman. If you’re new here – I’m a former attorney who went through hell with my own teenage son and now I help parents of teens and tweens who need a little guidance getting this right.

Way back in episode 7 I talked to you about the different levels of care for your teen – from counseling all the way up to hospitals and residential treatment centers.

So, last week when these issues came up both in the Facebook Group and in Parent Camp, I went back and took a look at that episode 7.

I talked about how we didn’t feel like we had a choice but to send our son to residential treatment because a) all the mental health professionals we were working with literally threw up their hands and said they didn’t know what else to do, and b) we no longer felt like we could keep him safe at home. He was having majorly aggressive and destructive fits of rage.

But here’s the thing…and I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in other episodes…the mental health professionals never helped us understand where we were going wrong with our parenting. They never talked to us about communication or discipline or emotions – nothing.

That’s a big problem in the child and adolescent therapy world, in my opinion. As you now know if you’ve listened to me for a while, our kids’ behavior and mental health issues don’t exist in a vacuum – they exist within the family dynamic we create. We have the power to make things better or make things worse. Our kids can go get help an hour a week from a counselor and we can totally undo every bit of that work the second they step foot back into our car to go home.

And if things feel like they’re just so far gone right now…you just don’t know what else to do. You have the power to put the train in reverse even if it’s a long way from the station. You just have to learn some key skills.

Now are there situations where you may not have a choice but to send them somewhere for intensive help? Of course. As with us, we were worried about his safety because of his behavior (and past suicidal ideation). And there are some serious mental health issues that may need to be addressed in such an environment. You have to work with your mental healthcare professionals to make that determination.

But I want you to know that there’s hope for you to actually turn things around…or at least change them drastically…even if you feel like there’s just no way forward.

First of all, if I’d known then everything that I know now about parenting teens, I’m certain things would never have gotten so bad to begin with.

And, if I’d learned what I know now, just before sending him to the residential treatment center, I believe we could have probably avoided it.

Because, again, even if you send your kid off to a residential treatment facility or a wilderness camp, if you don’t learn what you need to learn before they come back home, you’ll be in the same position you were.

You must learn these new skills.

So, let’s say you just don’t know what else to do at this point. You’re exhausted and feel defeated. You’ve begged, punished, pleaded, fought, taken them to counseling, and their behavior and your relationship has not improved – as a matter of fact it’s all a mess. Perhaps you’ve already started thinking about potentially sending them somewhere.

You realize what you’ve been doing isn’t working. The arguing doesn’t help. You can’t control their behavior. You may have even begun to purposefully pull away from them to protect yourself emotionally.

To get to this point it’s probably taken a few months if not years. By now your relationship is either completely antagonistic or basically non-existent. You’ve got to concentrate – not on correcting their behavior - but on your connection with them.

As I’ve said many, many times, the emotional connection with your teen is the only thing that will give you any influence in their life. You can no longer force them to behave a certain way. You can consequence or punish and they can still do the same thing they were doing – just without whatever you took away. They can lie and hide things from you, and you really have no control over any of it.

The only things you can control are your own mindset, your own emotions, and your own behavior. Once you make the necessary changes there – you open up the way for them to make the same changes.

Here me out.

What you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, right? So, at this point, what do you have to lose by trying something different?

But how do you work on your connection when your kid won’t talk to you without yelling or they’re getting in trouble at school or using substances or getting in trouble with the law?

How do you change course when you’re hell-bent on stopping their behavior? When you’re so afraid something bad’s going to happen or they’re going to ruin their life?

Well, it takes a lot of faith, a good bit of hope and optimism, a ton of emotional regulation, and an understanding that if you don’t reverse course, you may end up doing permanent damage to the relationship with your kid, pushing them further into their unappealing behaviors, or be forced to take the drastic step of sending them off for treatment of some sort.

The first step in this reversal process is to take some steps back and learn everything I teach about how their brain works, how to communicate with them, how to regulate your emotions and how to discipline them by teaching rather than punishing.

But we’re not even going to discuss discipline at this early stage.

You’re going to have to put aside all your complaints and grievances about their behavior for now. You’ve likely punished or consequenced them so much that there’s nothing else you can do anyway. It hasn’t worked yet so it’s not going to work if you keep doing it.

So, this first step is stepping back and learning how to go forward. As you learn, you can implement the right communication techniques of deep listening, reflecting, and all the other skills for helping them learn how to regulate their own emotions. The blow-ups between you are going to begin to dissipate and within a couple of months you’re going to see changes in their overall mood.

At the same time, you’re going to slowly start implementing strategies for making small connections with them on a regular basis. At first, it’s going to be difficult. You may not even want to try it. They may still push back really hard at first, but you’re going to keep going and not give up. At first you might just reach out and touch their arm as they walk by you, make a desert they really like, give them a sincere compliment about any tiny little thing you can find. There are still some qualities in there you can find. You’ll slowly add other strategies over the coming weeks and months.

You’re going to do all this despite the fact that they’re still doing what you don’t want them to do. You’re going to work on your own emotions so you can manage this. Keep reminding yourself that you haven’t been able to stop them yet so pulling back isn’t going to hurt anything right now. Your kid knows the rules, knows your values, knows what you expect. I’m just asking you not to fight about it or punish them for just a few weeks while you work on your connection.

Now, if the methods I teach for regulating your emotions don’t help soon enough, you’re going to find a counselor and go weekly to develop the inner tools you need to manage what you’re feeling about your child’s behavior. You can’t do any of this if your emotions are out of control.

After a couple of months, you should be seeing some difference in the level of chaos in your home. Your teen’s mood will have shifted a bit, and you may even be able to have brief conversations without arguments.

But we still have to deal with the behavior. Pg 93

So, you keep doing everything you’re doing and now we’re going to add back in the discipline piece. But now you will have learned how to do this differently. Rather than just randomly issuing consequences, you’ll have some guidelines to use, and you’ll hold your ground better than before because you’re going to feel good about what you’re doing and it’s going to make sense to both you and eventually, your teenager.

You’ll probably need to set a few unilateral rules in the beginning just because of the extreme circumstances. That’s okay. You’ll meet with resistance, but you’ll stay calm and committed to following through within the guidelines you’ll learn. Your teen will likely test you in many ways to get you ruffled – they’re not yet used to this new you. So, you ignore the digs and jabs and even work around trouble they make for you, while still holding your ground on consequences.

It won’t be fun. As a matter of fact, it may be pure misery for a few more weeks (but what’s life like right now, right?)

But then you’ll start noticing small changes in their behavior. They’re getting used to having reasonable expectations and definite consequences. It’ll becomes easier to connect with them, they’ll even start doing things you ask them to.

…Now many teens in these extreme circumstances are going to still need weekly therapy or possibly even more depending on the situation – they’ll need to learn additional skills and tools. But at this point, you’ll be much more likely to get them there and they’ll be more likely to participate.

To come back from the edge, it’s going to take hard work…but you’re working hard now and have nothing to show for it but disconnection, conflict and bad behavior, so you certainly might as well be working towards real, long-term, lasting change rather spinning your wheels while things just get worse.

I’ll teach you how to do this in Parent Camp.

The basic strategies and skills are the same for all parents of all teens from 10 to their mid-twenties…whether they’re just mouthy and uncooperative, vaping, lying, or pushed you to the absolute brink.

But with the personal attention I give you, I can guide you, strategically, according to your particular situation, help you apply what you learn in Parent Camp to make the changes you want to see in your home with your family.

If you’re listening to this episode before August 29^th 2024, you still have time to register for the fall cohort of Parent Camp.

You’ll go through the course together, meet with other parents weekly on Thursday nights at 8 pm central time, talk through the strategies and practice the skills you’ll learn and feel a lot less alone, and much more confident and empowered than you do right now.

The link for the Parent Camp information page is at the bottom of the episode description where you’re listening. It’s speakingofteens.net/parent-camp

If you have any questions before registering, there’s a link in the FAQ at the bottom of that page, to set up a call with me. I’d love to chat with you and make sure you feel comfortable joining us. The thought of you sitting there and being miserable when I know I can help, makes me crazy.

Come join us – you won’t regret it.

And always remember, a little change goes a long way.