From Parent Camp Newsletter 4-10-24
I recently heard the Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author, Charles Duhigg, speaking on a business podcast about his most recent book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. Now, this book has nothing to do with teenagers (although he has 2 at home) but it does certainly pertain to communicating with your teens, as much as other adults.
In Section 3 of The Field Guide, when I talk about emotion coaching, I explain that a couple of big pieces of this technique is listening and reflecting what your teen says. This is true when they’re emotionally dysregulated, of course, but emotion coaching can even be used when everyone is calm. After you’ve listened thoroughly to what they’ve said, as I explain, you want to summarize and repeating back to them, in your own words, what you believe they’re trying to tell you. This lets them know they’ve been heard and helps them begin to calm down.
In the podcast episode I listened to (and in his book) Duhigg describes a communication technique that he calls looping for understanding. He didn’t invent the technique but included it in the book because there’s apparently science to back it up (don’t worry, I’ll be researching it!). This looping is something many executives, therapists and various other professionals, including mediators, use for communicating during conflict (or perhaps to avoid conflict).
Duhigg says that “listening is really important, but it’s often not enough. I have to prove to you that I’m listening to you. Because if we’re discussing something that’s hard – a hard topic – even if I’m having a conversation with my employee, where I’m giving them some hard feedback, they aren’t predisposed to believe that I’m listening to them. They think I’m just waiting ’til they stop talking to say what I want to say. So, how do I prove to you that I’m listening?”
He then goes on to describe a “3-step loop”: 1) ask a question about what they other person just said just to make sure you understand (“So, when you stood up, the chair fell?”), 2) repeat, in your own words what you think the other person has said – just summarize it (“Let me tell you what I think I heard you say.” 3) ask, “Did I get that right, or is there something I still don’t understand?”
You’re only really possibly adding steps 1 and 3 – but with asking curiosity questions, you may already have step 1 down. It’s step 3 that really makes all the difference here.
Duhigg points out that when the other person hears you do this (in this case, your teenager), they’ll not only believe you are truly listening to them but they’ll also feel that you truly want to understand them. And, he says, when people believe that someone is really listening to them, they’re more inclined to listen to that other person when it’s their turn to speak.
I think this is a great technique to use with teenagers and I urge you to put it in your toolbox and use it when you’re emotion coaching or any time you need to let your teen know you’re really listening and that you get it.
I believe this small change can make a big difference to your teen. It will also really help keep you on your toes (make sure you are paying attention) and that you really do understand their side of things. Don’t you agree? Try it out and be sure to report back!🙌