From Parent Camp Newsletter 4-3-24
The way you react when your teen shares something serious with you, can mean the difference in whether or not they ever share anything with you again. Yes, it’s that big of a deal.
If they don’t feel they can trust you not to freak out, go ballistic, give them consequences, make a scene with others, etc. then they simply won’t share. And when they don’t share things with you, you lose all your influence in their problem-solving and decision making. You are totally out of the loop.
If you’ve ever said to your teen, “you can tell me anything” or “you can trust me”, you better be prepared to follow through on that in a way that makes them feel comfortable. Listen, reflect, comfort them and ask if they want your advice or guidance. Let’s say you’ve had many conversations with your teen in the past about not trying substances, what it can do, how much trouble they could get into (with addiction, the law, their mental health, etc.).
Your teen has always promised you they would never consider trying drugs, alcohol, or any other substance. But now they’ve come to you and told you they’ve tried smoking weed with their friend who keeps trying to get them to do it again. They tell you they don’t want to do it again, but don’t know how to get out of it anymore.
If you give them consequences, yell, lecture, or otherwise lose your shizzle for doing something you didn’t want them to do (after they’ve come to you, admitted the truth and asked for your help), you’ve completely blown it. Imagine how you’d feel if you shared an intimate issue with your best friend, an issue you felt guilty about already, and they proceeded to berate you about it. You’d probably find another friend to share with from now on, right?
But it’s not just your negative response to their openness that can keep them from talking to you – it can be your words and attitude about specific things.
For example, if you’ve used really strong language about certain topics, people or situations in the past, they can imagine what might happen if they told you something along those same lines. Let’s say, after watching a movie together, where the main character was a teenager who did something wrong, you say something like, “if you ever did that, I’d take away your cell phone for life”. You could have even said it in jest, but that’s enough for them to think twice before telling you they’ve done something similar.
Perhaps they’ve heard you talk about another teenager or a family member who did something wrong and saw your attitude about it. Anything like this can cause them to think twice about telling you something because they don’t want your judgement or your wrath.
You can tell your teens they can trust you and that they can tell you anything, but if you’re not modeling the type of behavior that puts them at ease and let’s them know, without a doubt, that you are safe, they won’t do it. They will look at your actions before they will listen to your words.
They need to know that you will listen when they have something important to say. So, you have to show them by listening to all the random daily stuff just as intently.
They need to know you can regulate your own emotions. So, you have to show them by controlling the frustration you feel in traffic or when the waitress brought you the wrong order or when your spouse forgets to clean up after themselves. You can’t just say it, you have to live it.
They need to know you they can count on you when they’re upset and having a hard time managing their own emotions. So, you have to show them by acknowledging those emotions, sitting with them through their unpleasantness, comforting them and helping them solve their own problems, instead of trying to shut them down or cheer them up.
They need to see that you’re fair-minded, calm, reasonable, rational and generally have your act together. They need to know you’re willing to be flexible, to negotiate, give them second chances, give them the benefit of the doubt, and that you value their input and their opinion.
If you feel you’ve not done some of these things, it’s certainly not to late to start. Explain to your teen that you’ve made mistakes in the past, tell them how, and tell them you’re trying hard to do better because you want to show them they can trust you. Then, follow through. If you need to change, you can change!