From Parent Camp Newsletter 3-13-24
Most of us go through our daily lives, doing what we do, thinking what we think and feeling what we feel, out of pure habit and forward momentum. Who has time to stop and observe, right?
The problem with the way most of us speed through life is that we never have more than a cursory understanding of ourselves and what role we play in the world around us.
Without getting too philosophical, I can tell you that slowing down and observing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions as a separate elements from who you really are – is extremely freeing. Once you realize that a thought is created by your inner chatterbox and that you can separate yourself from that chatterbox, you can literally talk back to it and tell it to shut up!
Or you can argue with it and tell it “No, I choose to think about this way,” or tell it “Just because you think that doesn’t mean it’s true or that I have to believe it.” You can control your inner chatterbox instead of allowing it to control you.
And because many of the thoughts thrown at you by your chatterbox can cause intense and unpleasant emotions – if you can learn to control your thoughts, you can control your emotions. And when you can control your emotions, you’re also controlling your behavior (you won’t yell, argue, freak out, get so anxious, lecture, etc.)
So, start paying attention to your thoughts regularly – not just about your teen but everything! Observe that constant chatter inside your head! If you can’t catch it when you’re doing it, then you may have to reverse engineer them for a while until you start “hearing them” in advance.
For example, when you get aggravated or frustrated or angry at someone or about something, stop immediately and ask yourself why you’re so aggravated or frustrated or angry. What’s your chatterbox telling you?
Let’s say you’re in traffic and start feeling yourself getting really infuriated. What is your chatterbox telling you? Maybe it’s saying that you really need to get to a certain place in a hurry and the person in front of you is driving so slowly, that they’re going to make you late?
As soon as you realize that’s the thought, then you can literally talk back to your chatterbox! I know it sounds goofy but science has shown that using your own name in the 3rd person to talk to your chatterbox helps put those thoughts in their place (out of your head!)
No, you don’t have to talk out loud but if you’re alone, it sure helps! So, you could say, (insert your name here), what’s the worst thing that could happen if you’re late? Are they going to tell you to turn around and go home? Are they going to think you’re a terrible person? Really? Do they really even care who you are or that you’re late? Maybe next time, (insert your name here), you should allow a little more time for traffic at this time of day. But, (insert your name here), it’s not the end of the world – people are late all the time and no one dies from it.”
Let’s practice one with your teenager. What if your teen is now over an hour past curfew without permission and isn’t answering calls or texts? You’re feeling somewhere between or a combination of furious and worried sick. Why? What is your inner chatterbox telling you that’s causing these emotions? Pay attention.
Is it telling you they’ve probably been in car crash, they’ve been arrested, they’re drunk, they’re out doing drugs, they’re having sex, they’re with people they shouldn’t be? It is telling you that you need to take the phone away, ground them for a month, tell them all the dangers out there past midnight, let them know how worried they made you? What exactly is it saying?
As soon as you figure it out, you’re going to talk to it, use your name, tell it why it needs to stop or think about things differently. “Okay, (insert your name here), I’ve had enough of your crap. Just because she’s late doesn’t mean she’s dead or up to no good! It doesn’t even necessarily mean that she’s done anything bad. It could be a simple mistake or a misunderstanding. But even if she’s done something wrong, it does me no good to listen to any of this because I won’t know until I know. Plus, when she walks in the door, I want to be calm so I can say, ‘Hi Caron, it’s pretty late, what happened?’ So, I’m going to take some deep breaths and review lesson 4.9 in The Field Guide and you will just shut up.”
Yep, it’s a bit like talking to yourself, but you already talk to yourself with this dang inner chatterbox so you have to learn to talk back and keep it from causing emotions that will take you off course with your parenting (and other areas of your life)! You can do it.