We’ve finally made it to Day 8 – the final episode of my foundational series on parenting teens.

If you’ve not listened to the first 7 days, then go back and start with episode 130 because all of this will make much more sense if you go in order.

We’ve talked about a lot during this handful of episodes – the basics of parenting teens. The foundational elements that you need to understand and implement to have a better relationship with your teen with less conflict and better behavior from them.

And today, I want to talk to you about the final piece of the puzzle – actually I’d say it’s more like the glue that holds the puzzle together. Your connection. Don’t go anywhere.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

I’m actually going to keep this episode short because I just did a 4-episode series on connection back in episodes 104, 106, 108 and 110. So, I’m going to refer you to those episodes for a deep dive on connection. I’ll put them in the show notes. But here I want to give you a really good overview.

And you may feel like connection or a close relationship with your teen or tween is simply out of the question at this point. How can you connect to someone who barely utters a word to you or acts like they’d rather eat poo than be around you most of the time? Actually, it’s quite possible.

But here’s why you want that connection: because it’s what will keep your teen safe and mentally healthy. I’ve said this before: the stronger your connection, the safer they’ll feel with you. And the safer they feel, the more they’ll trust you. And yes, they need to trust you. They need to trust that they can come to you when they need you, tell you anything, ask for your advice, want to do what you’d want them to do.

Without connection you have chaos, conflict, acting out, more stress, rebellion. You’re shut out and they’re doing what they want. Connection equals influence – your only influence. You can lecture and punish and yell and plead and you’ll never change a thing if they don’t believe in you, trust you and want your input. Connection keeps your voice in their head when they’re faced with a big decision or a problem to solve. Isn’t that what we all want?

Something you need to understand about your teens is that although they may no longer feel that deep need to be physically connected to you (the hugs are less frequent, they’re in their room more, not as much snuggle time going on) – they still crave emotional connection.

It’s a little harder to maintain during their teen years obviously and it’s going to take some work on your part. This ball is in your court, not theirs.

The reason your teen seems to like you less is because their job right now is to be accepted by their peers – they already know you love them. Acceptance from peers is what their brain is wired to crave, and it means more to them than anything else in the world. This is neurobiological – it cannot be helped and it’s necessary (unless you want them to still be living in their bedroom at age 30).

We just talked about this whole process of individuation and autonomy support in episode 133. Supporting their autonomy is a huge part of maintaining your emotional connection with them. Making sure they have rules and guidance, allowing them to make the decisions they’re capable of making and when you can’t leave the decision to them, that you’re making sure you’re hearing them out, validating their feelings, treating them with the same respect you would a friend or colleague.

This is so huge that I can’t emphasize it enough; your teen feels like and adult. They feel like they know – yes – everything. And you have to admit, they do know lot of things you don’t know. So, obviously, you still have to guide them, but you can do it with more deference.

Of course, the opposite of supporting their autonomy is threatening it and you will certainly do that if you stick to any over-parenting, over controlling, authoritarian methods. No more telling them what to do – it’s all about guidance and sharing your control. Yelling, lecturing, punishing, shaming, criticizing – even fixing things for them – this threatens their autonomy and promotes disconnection between you because of the antagonism, or distrust it breads.

Your goal now is to collaborate with your teen – be a team player, guide rather than manage them, learn to negotiate, to be flexible and listen to them. It will work out so much better for everyone concerned. Collaboration builds connection. Go back and re-listen to episodes 133 and 136.

I also want you to remember that connection is more important that correction.

You’ve learned how their emotions are all over the place during adolescence, that they have little control over those emotions because of how their brain works right now. They’re moody, quick to anger, get upset over things that maybe they shouldn’t. And when they’re upset you have to be sensitive to that. Emotional dysregulation is a common occurrence for teens and you can either help them with that or you can make it so much worse.

You can learn emotion coaching as we discussed in episode 135 – learn to listen, ask questions to figure out what’s really going on, reflect what you hear, help them figure out exactly how they feel, help them learn how to solve their own problems. This is what will not only help them calm down in that moment but will also help you build emotional connection with your teens; help you keep the power struggles and the arguments at bay.

Or you can dismiss their emotions, try to tell them to calm down, tell them how to fix the problem or tell them what they’ve done wrong. And of course, this is what will create more emotional dysregulation, disconnection, and plenty of conflict.

Try to remember that when your teen is completely out of sorts and emotionally dysregulated, that stopping to tell them they’re being disrespectful or that they have a tone or attitude, is going to be like pouring gasoline on a burning fire.

There is no need to do it – they will not hear you – their prefrontal cortex has left the building so they cannot think about what you’re saying – you’re wasting your breath – it will not help. Your connection is more important here. Save the correction for after they’ve calmed down and the storm has passed. As a matter of fact, when you start getting this right, your teen will most likely start apologizing to you for their behavior and they will gradually be able to regulate their own emotions.

What else can you do on a daily basis that builds connection? You can limit your negative interactions and do your best to pump up the positive.

Remember, because of how their brain works, they see things more negatively overall, are more likely to have negative self-talk, see the glass half empty, and misinterpret neutral situations, tones of voice, facial expressions as negative.

They cannot help this. But you can help the situation by limiting your constant reminders, questions, and corrections. Think about how many times a day you remind them to do something (don’t forget this, please do that, etc.) – it’s a lot! So, you have to balance out your negative interactions with positive interactions throughout the day.

You’ve likely heard talk about the magic ratio before, but it’s worth repeating: Back in the 1970s John Gottman and another researcher began several longitudinal studies on married couples, that took place over a span of 9 years.

The researchers gave all these couples a conflict to solve within 15 minutes while they watched. Just based on this observation, the researchers were able to predict with over 90% accuracy, which of the couples would be divorced, and which would still be married at the 9-year-mark. 90%!

As it turns out, there’s a very specific ratio of positive to negative interactions in a marital relationship that predicts the level of satisfaction in the marriage.

The researchers called it the “Magic Ratio,” which is 5 positives to every one negative interaction. So, for one conflict, you have to balance it out with 5 other positive interactions.

Well, Dr. John Duffy and others have interpreted this research to relate to all relationships including the one between parents and teens. And as I said, questions, reminders, corrects, are all negative interactions to your teen.

So, for every one of those reminders, etc., you’d assume you’d need 5 positive interactions.

But because the adolescent brain accidentally interprets so much as “negative”, you might as well say you need twice as many positives for each negative. That means you better have a lot of positive interactions with your teen on a daily basis to keep your connection strong.

Now, let me make sure you understand this part because I don’t mean you need to have a picnic, a game night, or bake a cake for every reminder to do their homework. “Positive” interactions can be anything from a hug to making a joke and getting a tiny smile. It’s a lot harder to do when you may only be seeing them in passing so you have to make the effort here. This is not up to your teen – it’s up to you. You’re the adult, you have to keep trying.

Try to keep things light and stop focusing on all the things your kid could do better or needs to get right or needs to learn right now. Remember that your habits are likely nothing like they were when you were a teenager. We all grow up. We all learn to do the things we need to do as we have to. They will too. But constantly telling them where they’re falling down on the job is simply not going to help. It will cause disconnection and they will start associating your voice with negativity in general. Do not let that happen.

Remember too, if it’s not dangerous, unethical, unhealthy, illegal or likely to close some door better left open, then it’s not worth arguing about it – leave it up to them. Just that one rule of thumb can save you many negative interactions. For example, stop stressing over the messy bedroom. Your teen has so much to be stressed about right now – the may even have anxiety. And a messy bedroom is not worth making them more stressed or causing an argument. Your kid’s not going to be a slob forever, and if they are, there are worse things they could be. Learn to let some things go – set parameters like, Saturdays, 20 minutes, I’ll help you get the room cleaned – let’s go. Think about what you want your teen to remember about you 10 years from now. That you hugged her every night at bedtime and were always there to talk when she needed you or constantly bitched about her bedroom? You can make that choice right now.

And let me give you a final suggestion about making these positive connections; show an interest in your teens’ interests.

The big question is always, how do I get my teen to talk to me or engage with me? Well, here’s the answer – talk about what they want to talk about! You can slide in the serious stuff now and then when the opportunity presents itself but talking about what they’re interested in is the only way you’re going to get them to talk to you.

Think about it – if you’re not interested in annuities, and some nerd backs you up in a corner at a dinner party and starts telling you about multi-year guaranteed annuities for your retirement fund, what are you gonna’ do? You’re going to get the hell out of there as soon as you can.

But if you meet someone who shares a love of vintage cars or serial killers (I’m sorry  - that would be me) then you’re going to want to talk all night long.

So, keeping this in mind, you need to pay attention to what your teen is into these days. I talk about this in episode 104 in the connection series. Learn what they’re into, then learn all about it. If they’re listening to music you hate, tough doo doo – act like you like it anyway – never criticize what they’re into – you might as well be saying, “you’re totally stupid for liking that crap” – maybe you do say that – but you’re stopping right now.

Remind yourself that you didn’t necessarily love playing with GI Joes, nerf guns or dolls either. Eating pretend food, listening to kiddie music, or shoving a jogging stroller uphill with a 50-pounder in it wasn’t that much fun - but we did it. Guess what? You can do hard things.

As I said in episode 104, “if you want to have a conversation with your teen about something important; sex, substance use, online predators – you better have warmed them up to the pitch. You can’t go in cold and expect their buy-in. You have to be a good salesman - get to know them better, do a little entertaining, get them to relax around you…make that connection strong and then you sell ‘em whatever you want.

Alright my friend, I hope you got a lot out of this series on the foundational elements of parenting teens. If you have questions, you can always come join us in the Facebook group and post them there. We have a great group of parents learning from and helping each other out. And of course, if you’d like to join me and other parents of teenagers, going deeper into these topics and meeting up live, you need to check out Parent Camp. Both links are at the bottom of the episode description where you’re listening.

So, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today, join me again on Friday for another episode and please share the podcast with your friends. We can help spread the word together that raising teens can actually be a lot of fun if you get the basics right. Thank you for being here as always, I truly appreciate you as a listener, we just keep growing and growing and welcome new listeners from all over the world every week.

A big shout out to you in New York City – you’re the top city as far as the number of listeners and we now have listeners from over 50 countries. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to know you’re listening from Gibraltar, Iceland, Australia, New Zealand, Serbia, Egypt, Cuba, Malaysia. Wherever you’re listening from, I’m SO glad you’re here and hope you stick around. Thank you.

As always, until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.