Ann

Have you discovered that your teen is drinking, smoking weed, or using other substances? Maybe it’s been going on for a while now - or it could have just started. Perhaps you just have that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that something has changed with your kid – things aren’t quite the same as before. Could it be drugs or alcohol?

It can be terrifying no matter where you are. No one wants their child to go down this road – using substances, possibly becoming addicted. It can completely dominate your mind and take you to a very dark place. And today I’m talking to someone who spent 5 years in that place - literally fighting for her son’s life - and now leads other parents through that same minefield. Don’t go anywhere.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who’s been there - and I want to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

Today you’re going to hear from Brenda Zane who not that many years ago watched her then 16-year-old son descend into the living hell of addiction. They spent years locked in that nightmare together and she knows all too well how lucky they are to have made it out alive - literally. Her son almost lost his life but thankfully was spared. And today he’s not only well but studying for his degree in social work and works for the very residential treatment center he once ran away from.

Brenda now treasures every second they have together and wants nothing more than to support and educate you if you have an adolescent or young adult struggling with substance use and mental health challenges.

I first asked Brenda if she could address this initial discovery phase – where you either suspect they may be using or have just discovered they’re using substances or maybe they’ve been smoking weed or drinking for a while – either way, you’re terrified and don’t know what to do.

 

Brenda Zane

Right, right. Yeah, that's, I mean, I would say, you know, we all pretty much start there. Some people obviously come into it, like, you know, through some huge discovery or crisis, but I think most of the time it is sort of that slow build, right, of little concerns, little red flags, or maybe yellow flags, like, huh, that seems odd, right? I wonder why he takes his backpack everywhere he goes, or just these little things that I think as a parent, you intuitively have that little sense inside of you. You can tell when something's off because you know your child so well. And so I know that feeling. And for me, it had started out with friends. Like, hmm, these are really different friends I'm seeing than the friends I used to see. And just, you know, the way my son would dress a little different or his language kind of started to shift a little bit to this kind of like, rap gangster weird vocabulary that I was like, what are you talking about? I couldn't even understand it.

 

And I think, you know, if you're getting those little tingles is kind of what I call them, is to not go into that panic mode, as you know, right? That doesn't, that doesn't serve anybody. And it's hard to do because you think, oh my gosh, this thing is happening that I never wanted to have happen, especially if you have found some substances. Maybe you found an empty bottle, you know, under their laundry pile in their closet as I did. Those little things and it's so easy to just go into instant panic mode and confront them and you know, why are you doing this and how are you doing this? And I'm taking away the keys and I'm taking away the car and I'm taking away the iPad and the phone and da da. And you're nodding with recognition of yes, that's what we tend to do because we're scared.

And so I think, you know, one of the things I would say just as an overall kind of blanket statement is, try not to react from that state of fear and panic. And that might require that you call somebody, you know, if you're in the moment that you call somebody who calms you down, maybe you have a therapist, maybe you have a good friend and just take a breath and take a beat and know you don't, if you're in the moment, you don't have to do something in that moment. It's probably better not to because you're going to say something that you regret or you're going to say something that is overly exaggerated, right? Like you're grounded for the rest of your life. And it's really hard to go back. Once you say those kinds of things, it's really hard to go back.

So I think just knowing you can take a breath. You can, you know, unless it's a life or death situation, obviously, but if it's one of these typical things that you start to see early in the process, just take a breath and connect with somebody. People have been there before you, you're not the first person that this has happened to and there's resources. And so I think that's what I would have wanted to hear. I didn't have that. So I absolutely reacted from the place of fear and panic and emotions. But what that does is it just shows your kids that you are not in control of yourself. You're reacting out of high emotions, which then kind of signals to them that it's okay for them to do the same. And then we all get into a crazy place, right?

So we call that in sort of the craft world. And I can talk about what craft is, is using the pause button. And I'm a very visual learner. So I actually just think of, you know, seeing a pause, like, you know that, was it Staples that had the easy button in their commercials? Like I think of an actual like big red pause button on my forehead, like tap the pause button because that just gives you a minute to sort of like, oh, you know, okay this is something that we need to deal with. So I guess that's where I would start. I don't know if that feels kind of right for.

 

Ann

Right, no, yes, that's exactly, I mean, the thing that I hear most often is, okay, so you tell me to calm down and you tell me to take a pause and I hear everybody saying this, but what am I supposed to do when I'm terrified that they're going down the wrong path? How do I stop it? And most of us, probably you, I know I, jumped on it and tried to stop it any way we could like it was an emergency right then. So yeah, and I'm very interested in the craft method because I have no idea what that is, but I have heard you talk about it, you have seen it on your website, so yes. But yeah, that's what I think the concern for people is, is okay, fine, I'm not supposed to panic, then what the hell am I supposed to do?

 

Brenda Zane

Yes, then tell me what to do. So really after that initial pause and gathering yourself and gathering some support and that literally could be an hour or it could be a week. So it depends on your situation. If you found a bag of little blue pills, I would say that's probably more of like a 24 hour pause. That's a little more serious versus, okay, I found a little bit of weed in a box in his nightstand, or I found a vape pen, right? So those things are not quite potentially as urgent. But I think the, and this is part of craft, is to understand that the substances are not the problem.

Those are a solution. You just found your kid's solution to a problem that they have. And actually you can be grateful that you found that because that tells you my kid needs something. It could be that they're anxious, depressed, they have ADD. Well, I will tell you what, weed calms ADD really well. It really does.

It's not the long-term solution that we want, but it makes sense that they are using that. Or they can't sleep, or they want to fit in with the cool kids at school, or there's some trauma in their past that they're dealing with. So the very first thing to do, even though it doesn't feel like doing anything, is to really adopt a mindset that my child has found a solution to something that's bugging them, bothering them, causing them pain and they found the fastest most effective way to solve that problem. It makes total sense. What doesn't initially usually make total sense is what exactly that is that they're struggling with and so the thing to do at that point is to tell yourself I if I take away the substances that's gonna like rip the bandaid off. I'm pulling away a solution that my child has found and that's not gonna go over well. Not that we don't want to pull the substances, of course we do, but until you find out what it is that those substances are solving, you're just gonna make it worse. And so it's a time to get really curious. And if you can get it in your brain that this is a solution to a problem, what you wanna find out is what is that problem?

So instead of attacking the substances, start getting curious about, huh, you know, if you can have this kind of conversation wherever you are, hey, Johnny, what is the weed doing for you? What is it? What's it? And you know the language for your child, right? So in every family, it's gonna sound a little different. The net of it is just finding out, well, what is good about this? What's working? What does it do for you? What do you like about it? And then at the same time to ask, are there any downsides? And you got to be ready for them to say no. There aren't, because if they're early on, there might not be. They might not have any bad consequences yet. Those are going to come if they continue to use these. We know that there's problems that come, but in the beginning they may not see any. And so it's starting an open dialogue with them about what that problem is that they're trying to solve. And you also have to be ready for the fact that they might not know. They just know it's, it's do, it's just making life less painful, less irritating. You know, we were talking before we recorded about this leaf blower that's outside my house today. It is making my nerves so high. And so you kind of have to think about it that way. Like think of something that is so irritating to you, that it's like fingers on a chalk nail. And then something that you do just makes it all feel better. Makes that sound of the leaf blower guy go away. And then somebody is gonna come and say, oh no, Barney, you can't do that. You shouldn't do that. That's really bad. And I would say to you, oh heck no, it's great because it just made the leaf blower guy like fade to the back.

Well, so the curiosity adopting that, that attitude of curiosity is super important to not put up their defenses because the minute you start attacking the substances, they are going to get very defensive about it because it's solving a problem for them. So really using open ended questions, you know, getting at what this is really doing for them in a very non-judgmental way, which is super hard to do, because as a parent, you're looking at this like, are you kidding me? How could you be doing this? So that's really one of three things that I just try to break down for people is that know that this is solving a problem for them. The substance isn't the problem. It's the solution. So change your mindset around that. And then also And these are two sort of mindset things, which I know don't feel very actionable, but they are. And that the second one is to just decide that you are going to be the safe place for your child to come to talk about anything, whether it's the substances, whether it's the girl at school or the boy at school or the teacher or the sports team or whatever it is. If you aren't that safe place for them, somebody else is going to be or something else is going to be.

And so that's also hard if you are not used to having difficult conversations, right? If in your family of origin, maybe things just got swept under the rug, and even though things were going on, no one was talking about it. Everything was fine. And it's, you know, like nothing to look at here when you have to start having these very real and sometimes difficult conversations if that's not been part of your kind of, you know, mode, it feels very awkward, right? Like I can't believe I'm gonna talk to my kid.

 

Ann

Right. Well, yeah, and if you grew up in a family…like I grew up in a family where it was yelling and because we did have a kid who was abusing substances. And so if you grow up in a house where everyone's always anxious and everyone's yelling about stuff, that's your instant reaction too. So I mean, you really, until we get control of our own emotions around this and take that mindset you're talking about, it is almost impossible…

 

Brenda Zane

Yes.

 

Ann

…to have a normal conversation because your brain is just somewhere else. It's just not on trying to figure out the why behind why your kid is doing it, but it's on, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I can't believe my kid is doing this. What am I going to do? So, you know, it's just, it's so hard, I think, for some of us to even realize that that's where we are, that our brain is out to lunch and that we can't do this yet.

And what you said about not taking the substance away, I, you know, I've heard, I interviewed some people about vaping and they said the same thing. If you catch your kid vaping, don't take the vape away because they likely have a nicotine addiction already. So I'm kind of hearing you say a little bit of the same thing, like, because if you go in and try to take that away, is it that there, is it because of an addiction or is it because...it would just cause a fight and an argument and that's not what you want in the moment. Why do you say that?

 

Brenda Zane

Well, it could be both. So depending on how long they've been using, there could be an addiction or dependence there, right? And so that could be a factor. But it's also just that if you, and you may choose to take it away, I guess I'm not saying don't take it away, but just know that even if you do, you cannot control what's gonna happen the minute they walk out the door and they're just gonna go get another one. So the better thing to do would be to explore why they're using it in the first place. Are you planning to use it again? Because you might have a kid who's like, I was just so curious and John had it and he said I should take it home. And so then it's in my backpack, right? It could be very innocent and it could be that they are freaked out about it. And so if you ask a couple of those questions, it's...not going to cause the eruption of emotions and craziness if you're genuinely interested. And if they have been using for a while and if they are in a kind of a place of dependence or addiction, then that's where that understanding and curiosity can say, wow, that must feel really scary to know that if I took this away, you're going to feel very uncomfortable very soon.

So what can we do about that? And so again, it's difficult to have these conversations. It's gonna potentially feel really awkward and to do it without the yelling, without the shouting and the screaming. But I think knowing that is an approach that's really not gonna get you anywhere and the taking away of everything.

Again, I'm not saying don't take a vape pen if you find a vape pen in your kid's room, that might be the right thing to do, but have a conversation about why you are taking it and have a conversation about what are you going to do when you want to use again. So those are really important. And the third thing that I would say in a situation like this is to, as you are pausing and responding with intention, and as you are being that safe place is to start to learn about addiction. Because unless you are, unless you happen to be an addiction psychiatrist or a doctor who has spent a lot of time studying addiction, the average person doesn't know much about it other than what we've seen in movies or on TV, which is completely wrong.

The book I always recommend is Beyond Addiction because not only does it give you basic education in substances and what it does to the brain, to the body, it will also help you learn this approach that we talk about community reinforcement and family training, which is CRAFT. It's a very unfortunate acronym because people always think I'm talking about like doing crafts. We're not talking about that. It's a terrible acronym. Yes, it's a terrible, terrible acronym.

 

 

Ann

Yes, I know, that is bad. Could have come up with something a little bit better, but that's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

Brenda Zane

But take some time to learn. And especially in today's world, in 2024, the THC products that are on the market that our kids are using can be up to 90% THC. And if you contrast that to the marijuana of the, let's say the 80s and the 90s, when maybe you as the parent were growing up, the percentage was around 7%.

 

So we've gone from 7% to 90 plus, even sometimes 100%. So you have to educate yourself about the products that are available, about what happens in the brain and the body. The other book I would recommend is called Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lemke, excellent book. And it will really help you understand and start to have compassion for somebody who has

 

a brain that is impacted by these substances. So learning is gonna be kind of that third big thing to start working on. And the thing is in the past, the way to deal with addiction was confrontation, aggression, shame, and basically a message of you don't have enough willpower. So that was the approach up until the 70s is when Dr. Bob Myers introduced this methodology or the system called CRAFT, which we just talked about the terrible acronym, but it's a non-confrontational approach that really leverages science about motivation and what motivates people to change and compassion. And so between those, there's a protocol of about 12 different skills or tactics that you can use to in a non-confrontational way to motivate your child to change and make more positive choices and to even accept help. And so it's an evidence-based approach. It's been proven in science. It's not something that was just cooked up in somebody's kitchen, you know, a couple years ago. It's been proven and it's really the gold standard now of how families can interact, not just with kids. So the book was written, or his approach was developed for anybody. They call it a CSO, which is a Concerned Significant Other. So that could be a parent, it could be a brother or a sister, or a spouse or a partner. The approach works the same. We, in my community, we tweak it for parents specifically to use with adolescents and young adults. But what you're doing is you're really seeking to understand that underlying reason why they're using and then finding ways to compete with the substance and also help them understand the natural consequences of what they're doing because at first you know like I said weed is very effective at helping young people deal with their ADHD until it's not and so when they start feeling these natural consequences, that's the perfect time to be able to use some motivation skills, not anger and discipline and all that, but using motivation skills to say, wow. Because if something's bugging you and I said, well, Anne, of course you shouldn't be doing this. Of course you shouldn't be doing that. You know better than that. You're not very likely to say, oh, you're right, but that's good. But if I said, wow, that must suck I bet you hate it when that happens. You're like, yeah, I do. I really hate it when that happens.

So the craft approach teaches parents skills of how to respond and how to react when these different things happen. And also how to at the same time take care of yourself so that you're not getting trampled. You know how to set and hold a boundary because depending on how long your young person has been using, as they get further into addiction or into dependence, that substance is going to take priority over everything else. And they don't care that you are their mother, that they came out of your womb or that you adopted them at birth. Like they don't care because they need that substance. And so that's where that education becomes really important - is to understand this is not personal. Your child is not doing this because they hate you, because of anything. It's because when you get into that cycle of addiction, it doesn't matter what's in your way, you're gonna plow right through it to get that next hit or the next drink or the next whatever. And so that's why this approach is so effective because it is leaning into positivity and leaning into really the science behind what motivates people. Because, you know, like right now I'm in physical therapy for my knee. When I walk out of the gym, that physical therapist has, like he doesn't know if I'm gonna do my exercises for the next four days until I come back. Like he can't control whether I do or not. And that's exactly where we are with our kids. Like we can't control when they get on the bus for school in the morning or we drop them off or we ship them off to college. We don't know what they're going to do. And you have to tap into the motivation behind, like, you know, he asked me, well, what are you missing out on right now because your knee hurts? Well, I can't do yoga and I can't do Pilates and I can't go hiking and I can't do my gardening. Okay, well.

 

How would it feel if you could do those things again? Oh my gosh, it'd be amazing, right? So this is exact same conversation to have with our kids. Like, hey, honey, what can't you do now that you are smoking weed all day? Well, you know, I got kicked off the cheer team or I can't wake up in time to go to work or whatever. And so having that conversation, they'll start to realize, oh yeah.

 

Maybe there are some downsides and it might take a while because they're young and they are very resilient and they're usually extremely crafty. Well, crafty sounds bad. That sounds like a negative. They're resourceful. They're very resourceful. So it might take a little bit for them to feel some of the consequences, which is why part of what the craft approach teaches is how you as a parent need to not rescue them when they have those consequences, right? So if your kiddo's out all night partying and then they're supposed to be at work at eight o'clock in the morning, you're not waking them up at 7.50 to get them a bagel, hand them a bagel and put them in the car and drive them to work. It's like, wow, that's a natural consequence of being out and not being able to wake up. Again, really hard to do, because you as a parent, you want to make that happen. But allowing those natural consequences, they start to feel like, oh, okay, they'll start to put the two and two together, right? Like if I leave PT and I don't do anything until the next time I go, wow, that sucks. Cause now I can't, I still can't do yoga and I still can't do all the things. So I love it as an approach. Yes, I know.

 

Ann

Right. Gosh, and that's so hard. I mean, that's so hard for parents because, you know, you see the drug messing things up, you see them messing up because of it, and you want nothing more than to make that stop, make all of it stop. So jumping in to fix the things and not let them have the consequences is almost just a gut reaction, almost a natural reaction.

 

Brenda Zane

It's so hard. Yeah.

 

Ann

It's hard to imagine just letting them lose their job or because I've heard people talk about this, you know, the exact thing you just said, they stay out all night, they smoke weed or they're drinking and then they can't get up to go to work and I mean, you're so right. You have to let them miss work or be late and get in trouble or possibly get fired. But you know, that book you're talking about? Say it again, the name, I'm going to put it in the show notes, but the Craft book, what was the name of it again?

 

Brenda Zane

Yes, beyond addiction.

 

Ann

Beyond Addiction. Okay, because I've heard of it a million times. I think I even saw you talk about it and put it in our group. But it sounds to me like it would be a really good idea for all parents before their kid hits 13 or 14 to read that book, to be prepared if something happens because

 

I don't know. I don't know the real statistics. I think the real statistics are much higher than we even are led to believe. But it seems to be that most kids these days are going to at least try weed. They're going to at least try drinking. And having that knowledge first, I'm with you. Having the knowledge is the key to everything. I think knowing these things is key knowing how to respond, knowing what's going on in their brain and knowing that you need to get control of yourself first, that's key. So getting that book and reading that book, I mean, to me sounds like a no brainer. Let's just all read the book, right?

 

Brenda Zane

Yes, absolutely. It's a great one. And if there if you're not seeing this yet, like let's say you have younger kids, right, pre teens, I would also recommend Jessica Leahy's book that's called the addiction and inoculation. It's phenomenal. And she gives a lot of really good conversation starters of how to avoid

 

 

Brenda Zane (30:16.222)

ever having to know somebody like Brenda Zane, because you don't wanna, like my group is the last group you ever wanna have to be a part of. So if we can prevent that, it's great. So, you know, if you're, I would say if you have, especially if you have addiction in your family, or if you don't know, like maybe you're from an adoptive family and you really don't know, I would say The Addiction and Inoculation is a fantastic book to read because she's so practical and she just gives you really great tools for some of those conversations that are really hard and to understand why kids do use. And I would say, I think what's really important to note too is when she asks kids, why are you using or what do you want your parents most to know? She worked in an adolescent treatment program. Their answer was, I just want my parents to see me for who I am, not who they want me to be. And I think that is so insightful that a lot of times, you know, we, we really are, we're parenting the child that we want to have, not the child that we have. And they feel that. And that's such a huge amount of pressure on them. So that's a phenomenal book as well. If you're, yeah.

 

Ann

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's profound to think about too. I mean, if your child, because I'm sure my son felt that way. I'm sure a lot of kids feel that way because as parents we do, I've had several different guests say this as well, but you know, you have that little movie reel in your head or the snow globe as somebody said, and you know, you have this idea of what your kid's gonna be like when they're a teenager and they're gonna have all these friends and they're gonna play sports and they're gonna have a sweet little girlfriend everything's gonna be hunky-dory. And then they come along and they're smoking weed and they're wearing street wear and talking about the latest rapper. And you're like, what? This was not the way it was supposed to be. And you're right. I think your kid does feel it. I think they feel even before that though, is our child had ADHD and it was always about doing better in school and getting better at this. And I'm sure that weighs on a kid that they feel like they are not living up to standards. They're not living up to expectations in anyone that feels like they're not living up to someone else's expectations, especially their parents, is going to feel that inner pressure and that turmoil of

 

Yeah, I need someone to see me for who I am and appreciate who I am. It's just like looking for a partner, a life partner. You want that person to know you and appreciate you for who you are so you don't have to pretend.

 

Brenda Zane

Yeah. Yes, at least. No, it's true. And it's really hard as a parent not to have those outcomes and expectations out there for them when they're young. And then even as they get into their teens, and even as they start using substances, and maybe they're getting some help for that, it's still very easy to have these expectations of like, oh, they're going to go to treatment, and then everything's gonna be fine and we're just gonna move on like this never happened and it's pretty rare that happens and so I think we have to just be really realistic about meeting our kids where they are and recognizing if they are starting to do some experimentation instead of meeting that with anger and punishment coming at it like I'm the parent I know everything - really try to slide up next to them and sit next to them and really work to understand what is it that's what are you going through right now and you know just trying to imagine like I try to imagine what it would have been like to be a teenager in 2024 or a preteen in 2024 can you even imagine so even just connecting with them in that way to say, dude, it's gotta be a lot of pressure on you. Like tell me what it's like to be a 13-year-old in 2024. And they will tell you, they will really tell you. So it's such a better approach if you wanna avoid the, you know, the head on battles, the yelling, the screaming, the just, it's...I always just say spoiler alert, I tried all of that for you and I can guarantee it does not work. So skip that approach. Yes. Skip that approach.

 

Ann (35:37.779)

Okay. Yep, I second that. I second that. Yep, bad idea. Well, let me ask you this. So some of, I mean, some of the people listening might be at the point where they're like, you know, I can't even talk to them anymore. We've already done this. We've already started the yelling. We've already started the conflict. We are at the point where we can't stand the sight of each other. We're not speaking to each other and I don't know what else to do. And that's kind of the place we got to. And that's why we had our child drug out in the middle of the night and taken across the country to a residential treatment center.

So what do you say to parents when they get to that point where they just, it's important, their kid's aggressive and maybe they're breaking things and screaming or even hitting parents, all of that stuff. What happens next? What do you recommend?

 

Brenda Zane

if I think there's two different things there's the there's a safety element right where kids can get you know they can get aggressive and they can get violent and I think if you're at that point that's a different scenario than if it's just really bad communication a lot of eye rolling a lot of you know not going to school so if it's a safety thing I always say you know you gotta work to get them somewhere or bring there's actually some really cool programs where therapists will come into your home. I always like to err on the side of exhausting every local opportunity you can before you have to go to out of home placement because you and I both know how horrible that feels when you have to send your child away from home. So, if at all possible do that you can to find local resources. But again, that's not always possible. But if it's really poor communication, slamming doors, punching holes in walls, that kind of thing, the thing I would say is find a time when you can talk with them. And usually you can either manufacture a time by like, hey, you want to go get some Chick-fil-A or whatever. Like, manufacture some time when you know you're not going to be face to face with them when you're side by side you're not having to look at each other and you can say to them very honestly like I'm learning some new stuff I haven't really talked to you about it a lot but I've been going to these classes or I joined this community or I listened to this podcast and gosh I realize I'm coming at this with you all wrong. It just hit me over the head. I've been doing this really wrong and clearly what we're doing is not working. You're not happy. I'm not happy. Your mom or your dad or whoever isn't happy. So I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna try to switch that up. I'm gonna try to do better. You're probably gonna notice that I'm gonna be doing some things different. It's gonna feel really weird. So just letting you know, just kind of put that out there for them so that when you start, especially if you start learning craft and you're doing these different approaches, they don't, they're not blindsided like, who is this? That moved into my mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

Ann

Yeah. And what is up? Is she planning something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. I've said that. I've said that over and over again myself. You know, if you're going to start learning a new way to parent your kid or you're going to start talking to them differently, kind of give them a heads up and let them know that you think you've messed up a little bit. You want to change direction. Yeah, because I did not do that. And I remember the first few weeks, and I tell people this, if you don't say anything about it, my son didn't even notice. He didn't notice that I wasn't yelling anymore, really, I don't think, in the beginning. He didn't notice that I wasn't coming at it differently. It took a while for that to even sink in, that he didn't need to react the same way he always reacted because I was acting differently. So yeah, I think letting them know is a great idea. And you know.

 

Is that something that the craft method talks about to let them know or is that just you?

 

Brenda Zane

Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. Because what we want to do is we want to invite them to start making changes as well. So we can't expect somebody else to make a big change in their life if we're not willing to also put in some of the work. So letting them know that, just dropping a little bit of that information, because what you, and again, it depends on their substance use. If you really believe that treatment is gonna be necessary or is at least a possibility you know, another one of those conversations could be, hey, it seems like, you know, I've noticed that you're really struggling at school. I've noticed that you're really struggling to get up in the mornings, whatever it is. It's not, you know, you're using too much weed and not, you know, it's I've noticed this and I've noticed that. And it seems like you're having a really hard time moderating, like some of your friends, I think, are smoking weed just kind of every once in a while, seems like your use is a little different than that, a little bit heavier, because I'm noticing some of these things. And sometimes the best way to change that is to get into some treatment. I don't know what that looks like. I'm not sure, I haven't really looked into it too much, but that is something that I'm considering. Again, letting them know that you are thinking about this, but that you're on their team and that you wanna work with them, and to continue having those conversations. Hey, how's it going? I know when we talked three months ago, there were no downsides to your smoking. What do you think now? Are there any downsides now? What would be a benefit of cutting back? And what would suck about cutting back? Both of those are gonna be true. There's gonna be things on both sides.

 

But letting them know that you are working at it, that you're working on yourself, goes a long way when you ask them to make some change and work on themselves, because they will come right back at you, well, you haven't done anything different and you're still yelling and you're still screaming and you're still taking everything away from me. And so it's really important to think to...

 

just have, it's hard to do, but to have some humility about it and to know that you don't have all the answers. Even if you're, you know, I had an addiction psychiatrist on my podcast whose 15-year-old son ended up having to go to treatment and she was like, she's like, this is my job. And when it came to my own son, I didn't know what to do. So truly just being like, dude, I've never had a kid who smoked weed before. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing my best. I'm trying to figure it out. And, and that's hard.

 

Ann

Yeah. I'm trying to figure it out too. Yeah. Well, let me ask you one last thing because I know we're getting up on the time here. But one thing I know a lot of parents want to do immediately - and you've mentioned it - is to issue consequences, you know, punish, take things away and all of that. Is there is there something? How do you feel about that? Like, would you ever do that during, you know, this period of discovery of figuring out why they're doing this stuff? Would you go ahead and talk about consequences? What do you think?

 

Brenda Zane

Yeah, absolutely. Especially if they're younger and you do have some controls. If you have a 13-year-old, you have way more control over what happens in their life than you do if they're 17 and a half. Right. So definitely there should be consequences. Ideally, you know, the world's consequences are way more effective than ones that we come up with. But that isn't to say that in consequences can be two ways. You can take away something that is a privilege or you can add on a negative, right? So you know your child and you kind of know what works best with them. But also we have to remember that what gets reinforced gets repeated. And so the more that we can reinforce the positives that they're doing and reward those things, if your kid really loves to snowboard and they've been home at curfew every night for a week, maybe you can reward with some cool snowboarding something versus, oh, you were late this one night, I'm taking away 17 things out of your life. So there's a whole protocol around rewards and how to get more of the positive and less of the negative in the craft approach. So yeah, there definitely can be consequences - they really need to be tied to the event or the action really closely and timely. And again, you know your child, but if they skip school and then the consequences you get no Xbox for a week, those things don't really connect, right? There's just no logic in that. So finding ways to...

 

make sure that there's a logical feel. And again, the more you can rely on the natural consequences, the better, which is really, really hard.

 

Ann

Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. Well, listen, I want you to go ahead and tell, tell the listeners about your membership and your program and what you offer, because I think it's wonderful. And I think it's really, you know, hard for people to understand that there are places like what you offer out there and not just going directly to, you know, residential or going directly to a therapist or something like that. So talk about that a little bit.

 

Brenda Zane

Yeah, so I started Hope Stream Community. I co-founded it with another battle tested mom is kind of the way we describe ourselves. So we both have kids who went through, getting involved in substances and the lifestyle and then having to go to treatment, multiple relapses and all of that. And we both felt like there just wasn't a resource for parents who...were really willing to work on themselves first of all, willing to learn from other people, wanting to learn this approach that was evidence-based and non-confrontational and you know leads with science and love and compassion because the message a lot of times parents get is you have to distance from them, you have to let them hit rock bottom, step away and that is old like that's an old approach it's like if you went back and your doctor was recommending an approach for breast cancer from the 40s so we um have a i have my podcast hope stream and then we have a membership uh which is it's a monthly membership monthly or annual and it's basically it's the club no one wants to join I will say but we make it as amazingly cool and

 

Brenda Zane (47:31.138)

beautiful and supportive as we possibly can. And we have hundreds of parents in there who are all working on this with their kids at various stages. So it's really geared for parents who have kids who are experimenting all the way through kids who are trying, you know, maybe they're going into sober living after they've been in treatment for a while. So usually the ages range from about 13 to late 20s, I would say is where the bulk of my work kids live or their ages. And yeah, so we teach the craft approach. We also really focus on mindfulness and getting ourselves regulated so that we're not reacting out of the fear and the anxiety and the panic.

 

Ann

Oh that fear, anxiety and panic. I know it well. That’s what gets us doesn’t it? For some of us, the fear completely overtakes our rational brain and all we can think about is making this stop.

But as Brenda points out, that is the exact opposite of what you need to do. The first thing she says to remember is to hit that pause button. Calm yourself down. Get help from someone to do that if you need to. Unless it’s truly a life-or-death situation in that moment, stop yourself from reacting as if it were.

Next, she said you need to understand that substances are not the problem. They’re the solution your kid has found for their problem. So, your goal now is to find out why they need it. What problem are these substances making easier for them to bare. Attacking or taking away their solution – the drugs or the alcohol - is going to make their problem worse until you can address it the right way. Get curious in a very non-judgmental way and listen to them.

She also reminds us that being your teen’s safe place is critical. Showing them they can trust you with any information they share without freaking out – having that connection that we talk about so often. And if that’s been broken, you’re going to have to spend some time working on that.

She also says that you must learn about addiction. Buy these books and start reading: Beyond Addiction, Dopamine Nation, and The Addiction Inoculation – I’ll have the links for you. Beyond Addiction teaches you this CRAFT method that Brenda talked about in which you learn to respond with intention and to take care of yourself in the process.

And with any new way of communicating with or parenting your teen, you can apologize, let them know you realize you’ve made some mistakes in the past but that you’re going to be doing things differently – you’re showing them that you don’t expect them to make changes alone – that you’re also going to be putting in the work.

 

Alright – that’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you for being with me – and if you’re new here, please come join us in the Facebook Group – the link is at the bottom of the episode description and the link to the show notes is there as well, where you’ll find all the information Brenda spoke about today, including her podcast and membership.

If you found this episode helpful, please do consider sharing it with a friend or a group of friends, or your entire school directory!

Until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.