Has your teen ever been bullied at school? I’m not talking about cyber bullying here – I’m talking about the in your face, personal type of bullying: name-calling, spreading rumors, whispering, laughing, the silent treatment, threats, exclusion…the stuff that can make your teen dread walking into the school building.

Well, prompted by a post in the Facebook group this week, today I’m going to tell you how to talk to your teen about being bullied and what you can do it about to keep them safe. Stay with me.

 

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who’s been there - and I want to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

 

Today, I’m talking about bullying and what you can do to help your teen if they are a victim of bullying and how you can jump in there yourself and hopefully make a difference.

You know, if you’ve never been bullied, it may be hard to understand why your teen can’t simply take up for themselves, or just ignore it – or walk away. Let me tell you, it is not always that simple.

I’ll  never forget my bullies – I was in the 7^th grade and for some unknown reason, Linda Pinkston and Lisa Thomas two 8^th graders, decided it was their job to make my life miserable. To this day, I have no idea why I was their target – they were the types that had targets – but I was literally terrified of them. They weren’t in the popular crowd, and they weren’t “mean girl mean”, the were just mean – period.

I can’t even remember exactly what they did or said but it was enough that I went to the vice principal myself, told him what was happening and other than the glaring I got during PE class, it stopped.

But things don’t always go so well. And your teen may not even share that they’re being bullied.

 

 

The data for the US, the UK, Australia, and Canada is quite similar – it appears that  around 20% of teenagers in these countries experience bullying in the traditional sense on an annual basis.[1] And I’m just talking about the bullying that takes place at school – in person – not cyberbullying – I’ve addressed that before, back in episode 34.

Bullying seems to peak in middle school and decline during high school but that depends on the research you look at. Some experts believe it’s just that the reports of bullying decrease in high school.

And this bullying that goes on at school – it’s not going on in front of administrators and teachers, not most of the time anyway. Usually, it’s in the common areas, the more unsupervised areas: the halls, locker rooms, outside, at lunch, when the teacher’s out of the room.

This is why many high schools have decided to seclude freshman from the rest of the school – the youngest, they’re the most vulnerable.

 

Of course many of the bullies have been bullied themselves - at home, by peers,. They may have mental health issues, been abused or neglected – there are many reasons for their behavior and they come in all stripes. Both boys and girls bully – they just use different methods – boys are more physical and girls use more social or relational bullying.

But research shows that more often than not, teenage bullies have some things in common: they’re impulsive, can’t control their anger, they’re controlling, easily frustrated, lack empathy, blames the victim, lack of respect for authority, won’t follow rules, enjoy violence, with boys they’re usually physically stronger and with girls they’re usually perceived as popular.

You may not remember but I think it was the mean girls episode (episode 23) where I explained the difference between perceived popularity and true popularity – perceived are those girls that people see as popular but no one truly likes. The Queen Bees.

 

As you might imagine, teens who are victims of bullying also share some characteristics.

Bullying impacts girls more than it does boys (and generally it’s relational or secual hassassment), and it impacts students who identify as lesbian gay or bisexual about twice as much as heterosexual students and about 13% more for students are unsure about their sexual identity.

Students with visible disabilities are also often easy targets – they’re 3 times more likely to become a victim. As are kids with visible differences like their body weight or having acne or a scar – basically, anything that makes a kid stand out to a bully, including their race or religion, puts a target on their back.

 

And as common and long-standing as bullying is – I mean we even make movies about it – the impact can be huge for the victim.

We’re talking about of course, physical injury, stress, anxiety, depression, lower grades, trouble sleeping, self-harm, school refusal, dropping out of school, low-self-esteem, isolation, suicidal thoughts, and as we’ve seen many times in the news, physical assault and even murder.

And the sad thing is that only a very small percentage of teens will actually tell someone about the bullying…because they don’t have any trust in the adults around them to actually do anything about it.

We want our kids to be able to share these things with us and if you don’t believe yours would – go back and listen to my series on connection in episodes 104, 106, 108, and 110. As I always say, having that connection is key in helping keep your child safe – no connection means they won’t tell you, which means you can’t help.

So, watch for signs of depression, isolation (not hanging out with friends anymore), anxiety, school refusal, even physical injuries – this may be a clue that they’re dealing with bullying at school.

What if you see the signs but your kid hasn’t shared that they’re being bullied? You should ask. But here’s how I would start, “I’ve noticed lately it seems you don’t want to go to school on Fridays” or “I’ve noticed you’ve been coming home from school looking really down this week” and then add, what’s going on or what’s up – however you would phrase it yourself.

If they tell you that nothing’s going on, I would gently reassure them that a) you won’t freak out and b) if something is happening that you would never take any action without their consent – that you won’t be calling up the parents or marching down to the school (I had to give this reassurance a lot as you might imagine)

Teens can be really nervous that telling their parent will simply make things worse on them, which is why you have to treat lightly here.

If they go on to tell you something, you have to keep your promise and keep your emotions in check. If they tell you something horrible that’s happened, this is not about you right now – it’s about them.

Refer back to emotion coaching in episodes 6 78 and 95and listen, reflect what you hear them saying, validate their emotions by naming what you think they feel and give them a hug or touch them on the shoulder and promptly assure them that you are going to help them figure this out.

They need to feel comfort and support and calm right now because inside they’re screaming for help. And if you add your own screaming “OMG, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this – how dare that little ___ treat you that way…” That’s probably the last time you’ll hear anything from your teen about their private life.

They also need to hear you say that this is not their fault, and that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You should thank them for having the courage and the confidence in you to tell you about it (again, that why you keep your cool)

After all of that, if they are calm and ready to give you more information, ask them to give you as many details as possible about who, what, when where and clarify as you listen. Make notes because you’re going to need this information so you can do something about it. And remember we’re not talking about cyberbullying here, so this is going to be a situation where someone did or said something in person and often the only person you can get the facts from is your child. But you want to ask that question too – were there witnesses? Try to build a solid timeline of what happened.

Just be careful and gauge your teen’s reactions – you don’t want to push them beyond their limit and you want to keep reassuring them you are just gathering facts and then the two of you will work together to decide how to resolve this problem (because this is one that is dangerous and they’ve not been able to resolve themselves.) You may have to gather these facts over the course of several days if they get agitated or emotional – be very supportive of that.

Your next job is to convince them (if they are hesitant) that you need to report the bullying to the school. They may want to talk to someone at the school first for reassurance that they’ll be kept safe from retaliation – do what it takes to put their mind at ease.

Next, get your hands on a copy of the school’s policies on bullying – it should be in the handbook or on the website or the school district’s website. And if you can’t find it call the office and ask where it is. When they ask if there’s a problem – tell them you’re in the fact-gathering phase and will get back to them.

Next, check your state’s anti-bullying laws. In the US, all 50 states and DC have antibullying laws but they vary greatly. And I have to start thinking more about you personally because I know I have lots of listeners from several countries – so although Australia has no antibullying legislation and it’s not covered by their discrimination laws, all public school have antibullying plans in place. Canada mandates that all schools have antibullying policies and many provinces and territories have their own laws. And the UK also mandates that public schools have antibullying policies and the anti-discrimination laws also apply to all schools in England, Wales and most of Scotland – Northern Ireland has different anti-discrimination laws. I’ll have all the resources in the show notes

Now typically (at least in the states) a school must report, document and investigate the bullying within a specific number of days and the school is also required to take action to stop it.

But schools do not always do what they are supposed to do even per their own policies. As a matter of fact there have been tragic incidences involving deaths of teens who were being bullied and the school allegedly did not follow protocol.

For example, you may have seen in the news recently, the story of Nex Benedict, a 16-year-old non-gender conforming teen from Oklahoma who died on February 8^th after being beaten up in the school bathroom the day before. Allegedly the school was supposed to call for medical help and didn’t.

Then there’s 13-year-old Diego Stolz who allegedly made several complaints to his Southern California middle school about being bullied back in 2019 – those complaints were ignored – or so admitted the school district – because they just settled with the Stolz family for $27 million (the largest school bullying settlement in US history.) Diego died 9 days after a kid sucker-punched him at lunch and he fell and hit his head on a concrete pillar – then another kid hit him in the face while he was down. A cell phone video caught it all. And in case you’re wondering, the two 14-year-old bullies spent 45 days in juvie and had to undergo anger management therapy. One can only hope they the experience will turn them around.

These aren’t the only stories – there are untold numbers of suicides just in the US that have been attributed to bullying.

My point is, do not simply take the word of your school or school board official that action will be taken.

According to Understood.org, the school may be required by law to do a very specific investigation so ask them to send you written updates all along this process.

And I’ll add, - when you file your own complaint with the school, it should be in writing and as detailed as possible – the timeline you got from your child. And keep a record of exactly how the bullying is impacting your child – at home, at school, emotionally, their grades – everything.

You also need to find a point person at that school who is nice and friendly and on your side who will keep you informed of all the goings on. Document every word, makes notes of everyone you speak to, check your state law as to whether or not you can even record the conversation. Monitor every move that school makes and let them know you’re doing so. People are much more careful to dot there I’s and cross their T’s if they know they’re being watched.

Seo be sure your teen knows to tell you if the bullying continues. Again, document the hell out of it – every word in writing – copy and file everything.

Understood.org says if two weeks after that initial report, it’s still happening, take it up the chain of command to the school district superintendent – phone and in writing – which can be email, but I’m old fashioned so I might also mail it and keep a copy of the letter or better yet send it so you get a signed receipt back.

And truly, if it were me, I’d give the school more like 2 days to resolve it – and if it is physical or likely to turn physical, I’d give them 2 minutes to get that other kid out of there.

Lastly, if you’re in the US and possibly several of the countries mentioned earlier, if the bullying has a discriminatory element to it, if your child falls into a protected class, the issue may be addressed under the federal law.

 

Even though there’s no federal law on bullying, specifically, bullying can overlap with discriminatory harassment when it is based on race, national origin, color, sex (including sexual orientation and gender identity), age, disability, or religion.

In the US, all federally funded schools, including colleges and universities are legally obligated to resolve harassment that occurs in these situations. So, I’ll have a link for the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights in the show notes.

On top of that, the bullying may be considered a hate crime under US federal law, (if it was motivated by bias against race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, or disability.) And in that case, you would want to contact the U.S. Department of Justice's Civil Rights Division for help.

If your efforts to get the bullying to stop do not work within a very short period of time (I would say immediately if it’s physical – I wouldn’t even send my kid back to school until the other kid or kids were out of there) but if nothing happens, it’ time to find an attorney to help you. Look for an education lawyer in your area.

The laws are tricky – documentation is tricky – even the definition of bullying and harassment are tricky. Get an attorney if you need help.

So, to sum it up – here’s what to do if you suspect your teen is being bullied or they’ve told you they have:

If you need to ask them about it – first tell them what you’ve noticed about their behavior and ask them “what’s going on?”

Reassure them you wont freak out and that you will not do anything until you’ve discussed with them first

When they do tell you, be sure to practice emotion coaching – listen acknowledge their feelings, comfort them and tell them it’s not their fault and that you are going to help them get everything straightened out.

Take good notes – give them time to tell you everything that’s happened

Make sure you have their buy in to go further, then

Get that antibullying policy, check your state laws, look at the federal laws

File a detailed written report with the school including the impact the bullying has had on your child, and include in that document that you want them to send you written updates all along the process.

Every time you talk to someone, document it – I like to follow up with an email that says, per our conversation you are going to do x and I’m going to do Y

Wait the amount of time you feel comfortable waiting but no more than 2 weeks and if you haven’t gotten results you go the next level up – in the US that’s the school district

Get an attorney if you’re not getting anywhere. If it involves federal discrimination, personally, I would reach out to the ACLU.

Okay, I hope that gave you somewhere to start the process if your child is being bullied and I so hope that’s not happening. If it is, get in there and fight.

 

[1] Canada - https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/science-research-data/health-canada-young-people-mental-health-focus/bullying-fighting.html

US - https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/youthviolence/bullyingresearch/fastfact.html

AU - https://humanrights.gov.au/our-work/childrens-rights/children-and-young-people-4#:~:text=Bullying%20in%20Australian%20schools%20is,at%20least%20once%20a%20week.

UK - https://www.antibullyingpro.com/support-and-advice-articles/in-depth-facts-and-statistics-on-bullying-and-cyberbullying-behaviour