Have you ever considered that the amount of control you exert over your teenager now, will impact their independence and wellbeing as they move into young adulthood?

Yeah, well, it’s a fact. How much autonomy you allow your teen to have now, has been scientifically tied to their level of independence, and ability to cope as an emerging adult, later on.

Today I’m going to talk to you about how, despite your best intentions to protect your child from all the bad stuff, keep them out of trouble, make sure they’re successful, that they make good choices, that they don’t fall flat on their face, you could be doing just the opposite and making them more dependent on you and less able to handle life as young adult.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who’s been there - and  I want to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

So, here’s the hard truth: we cannot protect our kids from getting hurt, from hurting someone else, from losing, from making enormous mistakes, from making an absolute mess of themselves. We can’t do it.

We can’t live their lives for them. We can’t make their decisions; we can’t tell them what to do.

If you’re trying to make sure your teen does everything right and lives up to some pie in the sky ideal in your head – you are in for so much disappointment and heartache because a) it’s not going to happen and b) you are going to ruin your relationship with them which is the only thing you have – it’s the only way you can have any influence in how they turn out, and c) you are going to make your teen so afraid to live their own life that you’ve bought yourself a full time job from now on.

If the goal is to raise a fully functional, mentally healthy adult then we have to let them practice. No one ever learns to do something well without practice and that includes being an adult. I’m talking about backing up and learning how to let go a bit so your teen can get a taste of what it’s like to live life in all its messy glory. It’s the only way they will ever have the confidence to experience a full and happy life (and not live in your basement or their old room forever.)

So, let’s talk specifics. How do you know if you’re thwarting your teen’s autonomy, doing too much hovering, controlling too much, and just generally being way too far up in their business?

Well, I can tell you, for one thing, you’re going to be in constant power struggles with your kid. They’re going to be pushing back – a lot. And…

• Look at the things you do for them and what they do for themselves. Anything that you are doing for them that they are capable of doing it on their own (even if it would be a little bit of a struggle) then you need to back off and have them take over. Think about this every time you log into Google classroom or clean their shower.
• And think about how often you step in to help them avoid a mistake or fix it after the fact. How often do you rescue them from natural consequences that aren’t going to be dangerous or unhealthy or keep them from being able to do something in the future? No one learns how to live life without making mistakes and having to live with them. I don’t mean a mistake that would keep them out of college like not taking the right courses in high school or letting them go to jail when you could hire an attorney and let them pay you back. But failing a semester of Algebra likely won’t change their entire life trajectory – there’s no lack of colleges out there. And having to work and pay back the $5,000 you had to spend in legal fees is the cost for doing something they shouldn’t have.

We learn and grow through making mistakes. No one grows up to be a proper adult without making lots of mistakes and living with the consequences (as long as they don’t do permanent damage.) It’s called life experience and you can’t expect them to leave your house at 18, 19 or even 25 and be able to function in the world without having some of that. Think about it.

• Now, what about how restrictive you are to begin with? Are you trying to keep them from ever making a mistake? Maybe they’ve made a few and now you don’t know what to do so you’re keeping them under your thumb at all times to make sure they “don’t get in trouble?” It’s the same as rescuing – you have to release that tether a little bit and let them go out there and experience life because having such a tight rein will either a) make sure they have no opportunities to make mistakes and therefore they cannot grow or b) make sure they rebel against all the rules and get in more trouble than you ever thought possible.

If you’ve never heard me say this, I’ll say it again. Professor Laurence Steinburg talks about autonomy in his book, Age of Opportunity. Steinburg is a world-renowned researcher and expert in adolescent psychology. He says, there are 5 things to consider when you’re making a rule or deciding whether your teen should be allowed to do something and the same would go for deciding whether they need your help with a situation. Ask yourself, is it (or does it have the likelihood of being) dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical, or likely to close some door better left open. Now of course, these things are all subjective so you may have to really dig deep, consult with other people to check your perspective even. If it doesn’t fall into any of these categories, your teen should be able to do it or decide for themselves. And if you decide it does fit into one of the categories then there should probably be a rule, they probably shouldn’t be allowed to do the thing or you should step in and help them avoid the mistake – but you should always try to  help come up with alternatives, negotiate something else.

For example, could it be dangerous to go camping with a few friends up in the mountains at age 16 with no adults around for miles? Sure, it could. But what if they camped in the woods down the street from a parent’s house where there’s cell service and adults close by?

What if you found out they planned to cheat on a big test? That’s unethical and could likely close doors for them, so you’d step in and try to make sure that didn’t happen.

Could it be dangerous to spend a night in the drunk tank at the local jail or should they stay there to learn a lesson? It could definitely be dangerous, not just physically but mentally and it could do major damage to your connection.

Start considering these things before jumping in to make a quick decision or give them a definitive no without discussing the issue.

Whether you’re being driven by your own fear or you just can’t let go of that control, you have to stop – because this is what science says will happen to your teen:

• They’ll have difficulty making decisions. They won’t realize that they are even capable of making decisions for themselves if they’ve never been allowed to. They must have every possible opportunity while living with you, to make their own decisions and learn to assess consequences for themselves.
• Inability to make decisions then also impacts their ability to set goals for themselves – they’ve had no practice. They’ll either have to look to you for help in making all their decisions or rely on other people, which leads to feelings of helplessness, a lack of confidence and sense of overall well-being.
• They’ll probably have a low sense of self-worth and not be able to handle constructive feedback or criticism, which also means and inability to learn and grow – they may even avoid situations where this could happen so they end up not pushing themselves to try new things or more challenging classes or jobs.
• When you prevent your teen from learning from their mistakes or dealing with setbacks in life, they may also have a really hard time adapting to new situations and coping with stress. This can present as a fear of failure, not wanting to step outside their comfort zone, a fear of new experiences and unfamiliar situations – it’s called psychological inflexibility.
• And because they’ve not had enough experience making their own decisions, making mistakes and recovering from them, they may really struggle with critical thinking and problem solving because they have a hard time seeing things from different perspectives

Think about this as it plays out in their life in the future. Going off to school, getting a job, an apartment, relationships, moving forward in life. If they’ve been constantly told what to do, what not to do, where to be and at what time, what to think, how to feel, how hard to work, when to work…they will think themselves incapable of doing these things when you’re not around to hover over them.

A full 30% of kids leave college after one semester. They can’t cope. They’re lost. They can’t deal with not being the best, the brightest, or not having someone around to make sure they do what they’re supposed to do.

You’ve got to back up. You have to let go. They have to learn about life through their own experiences, not yours. If you keep protecting them or controlling them now, to guarantee their success, you are setting them up for future failure. Don’t do it.

Every time you start to do something for your teen, check up on them or behind them, argue about what they are and are not allowed to do, or jump in to prevent a mistake or clean up after one – think – “Am I going to far?” Can they do this own their own? Can they learn something here? Will this be dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical or screw them up in the future? No? Okay, back up.

Might it just be embarrassing to me? Do I know what’s probably going to happen and I’m just trying to save them from it? Do I worry that this is somehow going to lead them in the wrong direction but without any proof? Gently bring it up in a conversation but then the ultimate decision is theirs.

Holding on tighter will not make everything okay.