Does your teen ever lose their shit? Do you ever lose your shit when they’re losing their respective shit so that you’re losing your collective shit?!

Yeah well, you don’t think you’re alone do you? Um – no. We’ve all been there. It’s simply part of parenting an adolescent.

But if you understand more about your teen’s emotions, your own emotions, and the dynamics of that intersection, you can much more easily avoid huge blow ups all together. Stay with me – I’ll explain.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

 

So far in this series, (episodes 104, 106, and 108) I hope I’ve properly explained that unless you have a strong emotional connection with your teen, you are not going to parent them the way you need to – the way that leads to an emotionally healthy young adult.

That connection is the tether that binds you to one another throughout this long haul of adolescence.

It’s what keeps your family and your family’s values in the back of their mind so that even when they’re pulled in another direction, they don’t get pulled so far that they can’t find you again. And they get pulled – it’s their job to feel that pull and respond to it – you just don’t want that tether to break.

Your connection is your only influence in their life at this age – you literally cannot make them do anything they don’t want to do.  Connection is the only way in - not your lectures, your consequences, your constant reminders to “be good” or “be careful” – it’s that deep, knowing that you will always have their back, that you understand them to their core, that you would climb mountains in your bare feet in ice and snow to be there for them. That you would never, no matter what, abandon them.

That is what will allow them to share their soul with you, to let you into their world just enough so you can guide them through, teach them how to be an adult, show them how to be the person they’re meant to be.

 

We’ve talked about some of the mechanics of connection:

How to really focus on those positive interactions over the negative, how to really get in there and show an interest in what they’re interested in, how to support their autonomy by guiding rather than bossing or managing them.

And today, I want to talk to you about the emotional part of this emotional connection with your teen.

In case you haven’t noticed (ha!) your teen can get a little irrationally emotional sometimes. Well, you can go back to episode 62 to understand more clearly why that is.

In short – it’s simply how their brain is wired. They cannot help it. The emotional part of their brain (the amygdala)is super sensitive, sends them into these quick spirals of emotion sometimes for no reason at all. And it makes them moody, easily angered, easy to get nervous. And stress, lack of sleep, hunger, almost anything, can make it even worse. I’ll link to a few episodes in the show notes for you to understand this better.

Then, to make matters worse, the part of the brain that is supposed to help chill them out, use self-control and manage those emotions (the prefrontal cortex) is really weak at this age.

So, this is why they’re so irrational and emotional. And knowing that why should be huge for you and it should make an enormous difference in how you think about their emotional outbursts or their moods. You know they cannot help it. They can’t just turn off their amygdala or strengthen their prefrontal cortex at will. That’s simply not how the brain works.

So, when you’re sitting there thinking “they know better than to behave like this” or “I can’t believe they’re acting like this – they can do better” well, a) you’re just wrong, and b) you’re going to have to shift that mindset.

When they’re emotionally dysregulated, their emotions have them by the throat – the emotions are in control. The thinking part of their brain – that prefrontal cortex is being held hostage – it’s weak - it cannot help them, period.

It’s not a matter of them trying harder, knowing better, or wanting to act a different way…it is simply beyond their control in that moment. They can’t help it. Okay? You with me so far? Not their fault, not under their control, they can’t help it.

Now, here’s where you can help them though. That prefrontal cortex can be helped to become a little stronger.

That rational and thinking part of the brain, the part that is supposed to help with executive functions like making good decisions and using self-control, calming them down during a tirade…the reason it’s so weak right now is because it’s literally busy being programmed right now – it’s just not fully online yet.

The frontal lobe of the brain, where the prefrontal cortex is located, sprouted all these billions of additional synaptic connections between the brain cells, right before puberty.

Those synapses are how electrical and chemical messages are passed between the brain cells – they join up to other brain cells in different areas of the brain to make these pathways of communication.

But the brain doesn’t need all of these extra synapses, so all during adolescence, the brain is deciding which ones are needed and get strengthened (to make communication between parts of the brain stronger) and which ones need to go. And these synaptic connections work a bit like a muscle.

If you don’t use a muscle at all, what happens? It atrophies. They become useless after a while. That’s what happens to synaptic connections. Unless the brain is using that connection for something, they fall away, they get “pruned.”

But if you use a muscle daily, you make it stronger, lift weights with it and it gets easier to lift a certain amount of weight or use them for running and over time you can run faster – it’s the same with these synaptic connections in the brain.

The synapses the brain is using over and over, are getting stronger and faster at passing messages between the brain cells and between different areas of the brain.

The more your teen studies math, the stronger the synaptic connections become for doing those equations, which means it gets easier and easier the more they do it. Same for a sport or vaping or drinking – synapses make no distinction between the type of activity the brain is engaged in.

This is why, during adolescence, we want them doing as many positive things as possible and we want them to put off the negative as long as we can because while the brain is so malleable with all of this pruning and strengthening of the synapses, it’s a lot easier to “learn” something – anything – even the negative stuff.

But we’re not talking about that right now – we’re talking about learning how to manage emotions. And during adolescence, the synaptic connections (the neuronal pathway) between the prefrontal cortex (the rational, thinking, self-control part of the brain) and the amygdala (the emotional part) has not yet been strengthened enough – it’s still very weak.

But we just said that the more certain synaptic connections are used, the stronger they get. Just like a muscle. So, your job is to help them use this connection between their prefrontal cortex and their amygdala.

How do you do that? By emotion coaching. And I’m not going to go over all of emotion coaching here, I’ll link to those episodes in the show notes.

But in general, when they’re emotionally dysregulated, you’re going to help their amygdala calm down by nudging that prefrontal cortex to pay attention and start training it to come on line and help them.

In short you do that by remaining calm yourself, recognizing that they’re dysregulated, listening to them, not interrupting, getting curious to figure out what it is they’re feeling and maybe even why, acknowledging their emotions, possibly even giving them a hug or putting hand on their back, depending on the situation, and promote problem solving.

Basically, it would look something like this:

Your 14-year-old walks into the room screaming, and crying that they hate their life and they just want to hurry and turn 18 so they can leave home forever.

You’re at your laptop doing some work but you close the laptop, stay seated and look at them with your full attention, count to 25, say a little mantra like “when they’re at their worst is when they need me the most” or “this is just emotional noise, they’re dysregulated, and they need my help.”

They keep ranting. During a breath, you say, “I’m listening – tell me what’s going on.”

“Life is what’s going on – it sucks!” I hate this town, I hate my school, you and dad don’t ever support me or help me do anything I want to do, you guys think I’m a baby, you don’t give me any money, everyone else’s parents do all these great things and you guys are shitty parents! Yes, I said it – you suck!”

So instead of letting your own emotions take over you say something like, “It sounds like something’s really infuriated you, want to tell me about it?” Now, they may be infuriated or they may be crestfallen and just acting infuriated, you don’t know yet, but you’ll find out.

And you can also repeat back to them what they’ve said, if they’re actually saying things that make any sense to you, “Oh okay, Reid Snapchatted that to the whole group, I can see why you’re embarrassed, do you want to tell me more?”

The important thing here is that you are not trying to shut them down, you’re not correcting them, you’re not giving them advice, you’re not telling them everything’s going to be okay, you’re not telling them to calm down or yelling at them to go to their room and to stop screaming.

You’re listening. You’ve let them know you’re there, you want to help and that you’re trying to understand. You’re helping their prefrontal cortex to have a minute to catch up to what’s happened so it can shoot a little calming juice to the amygdala. If you put a hand on their hand or shoulder, you’re adding more calming juice – a little oxytocin – to counteract the cortisol the amygdala has flooded them with.

And when you do this – when you listen, give them the opportunity to say more or rant a little more, when they know you’re not going to yell back or try to shut them up, but instead you’re there to support them and help them get through this scary, out of control feeling (because it does feel scary to them) – when they begin to realize this, guess what? They start to calm down, the prefrontal cortex is getting a little help at connecting to the emotional part of the brain – it’s saying, “hey, it’s going to be okay, we’ve got you.”

They realize you see them through the emotional stew – wow. You know they’re still in there – that sweet kid that needs your help and doesn’t really mean the hurtful stuff they’ve said.

They feel like you’ve heard what they’ve said, you’ve paid attention because you’ve told them what you think they may be feeling. Wow. Everyone wants to be seen and heard.

You’ve given them a loving touch, kept listening, maybe asked a few questions to make sure you understand, to make sure they’ve thought about everything they could. They calm down even more, tell you what they think may have happened with their friend, and even decide on their own what they should do about it. Because you listened. You supported them. They calmed down. They feel closer to you than they thought they could.

Later, they’ll apologize for talking to you that way. They will. Don’t ask for it. Let them do it. You’ve just made the first steps toward helping their prefrontal cortex strengthen it’s connection to the amygdala. As you do this again and again, it will get stronger and stronger. And you know what you’re going to see? Shorter rants, quieter tirades, them working out how to calm themselves. Eventually the rants become less frequent, they say less hurtful things, they catch themselves before they have a fit.

The prefrontal cortex is getting stronger and stronger and every year they get closer to 25 or so – the better this will get. And for most kids, they get a lot better at around 18 or 19 depending on their personality, temperament and whether they have ADHD or any mental health disorders (which just makes this a bit more drawn out.)

Now, again, go listen to the other episodes on emotion coaching, and practice this. Changes don’t happen overnight. You’re probably going to stumble around a bit, your kid’s probably going to wonder what they heck you’re doing at first, they’re probably going to take a bit to get used to it – they may even take things up a notch to subconsciously test this new thing you’re trying. Just stick with it – I assure you it will work.

And another part of this is also being more aware of their emotions in general. Being able to tell when they’re in a bad mood because of a certain issue, or to be able to tell when a meltdown is coming. Knowing when they’re hungry they’re more likely to explode if you say anything. Knowing that in the morning before school is not the time to make a joke or that for at least an hour after getting home from school, they just want to be left alone – and it’s not only the knowing but the honoring of that.

I had a terrible habit of teasing my son or making a joke when I absolutely KNEW it would not go over well – it’s like I had some weird compulsion – or like I was in denial maybe? And I remember there were times where I would push him about something knowing full well that it would lead to a blow up – and I can literally remember thinking to myself “well, he should be able to do this without pitching a fit so by God I’m gonna’ push.” I was being completely blinded by what I thought his behavior should be. Like I hadn’t raised this intensely sensitive, emotional, high-strung child – like I thought he was going to somehow just turn into someone else!

So, I guess I’m saying, don’t be stupid like that. You know your kid’s emotions, their temperament, their way of moving through this world. You’ve raised them for 10, 13, 17 years? Go with the obvious. Adolescence intensifies who they are – their personality, their temperament, their emotional selves. They don’t become someone else because they’re older. I saw that in my child – once a fit pitcher – always a fit pitcher.

But the difference is in the way we respond to them. In the past, those fits of his – I either ignored them, asked him to take it elsewhere until he was finished or then later on, asked him to simply calm down. All improper responses.

You don’t ignore your child’s emotions, dismiss them, or try to shut them down. And you don’t poke, prod, and provoke either.

You honor those emotions for what they are – a sign. A sign that they need your help to regulate themselves, to stretch that muscle – work that prefrontal cortex and strengthen that connection so it will be easier and easier for them as they practice. They may need your help to work through a problem with a friend or at school or just some inner turmoil they’re dealing with. They don’t need you to solve it but to simply ask them enough questions that they’ll eventually see the answer themselves.

 

Then there’s the other part of this equation: If you aren’t aware of and can’t regulate your own emotions, you can’t help them and you’ll just make everything worse.

So, where do you start? Empathy.

You must be able to empathize with what they’re going through, given the brain that they have right now.

And if you still have it in your head that they could act differently if they wanted to bad enough, you’ve got some work to do there first. If you don’t believe me, do some independent research on the adolescent brain and how it works, there are a handful of great books out there. Dan Siegel has one, Sarah Jayne Blakemore, Frances Jensen. I’ll link to those books in the show notes.

Empathy is also about placing yourself in their shoes, at their age, with only what they know so far about the world.

And I’ll use this quote over and over again, to explain this - it’s an old Yiddish saying, “To a worm in horseradish, the whole world is horseradish.”

Malcolm Gladwell used this quote in a TED talk to explain worldview and how people can sometimes not see past their own to realize that the world is any way but how they see and experience it.

But the thing is, everyone experiences the world differently. The world is what it is and it’s the same objectively for everyone. But our subjective experience is vastly different depending on a million different factors. Our age, culture, where we are in the world. We all live in our own little dollop of horseradish.

And a teen’s horseradish is school, home, friends, social media, gaming, sports. Most don’t have a real job, they don’t pay bills, they aren’t married, they’ve never lived alone – the only world they know is the one they’ve experienced so far, up until the age they are right now.

So, that’s the lens through which you need to look when you’re trying to connect with your teenager. Try to see things as they might see them. Your perspective is not the only perspective – they have one too and it deserves to be respected.

Once you can empathize, it becomes a lot easier to manage your own emotions. Hopefully, if you empathize you can be less angry about some of the behaviors that you previously thought they could control.

Or, putting yourself in their shoes maybe you can see why it’s so important for them to have this hair cut or that silly 40 ounce cup or to feel like everyone hates you.

 

So, when you’re in that moment when they’ve done something, said something, and you feel the emotions bubbling up in you, remember, here’s an opportunity for you to help them build their emotional regulation and your connection.

Tell yourself, this is just emotional noise, it’s like they were 2 and they were screaming at the top of their lungs and kicking their feet against the back of the driver’s seat. It’s dysregulation.

Count, breathe, use your mantra – whatever you come up with. It could even be “I’m calm, I’m calm.”

Also, remember, there’s usually no big emergency going on – there’s no reason to feel like you have to put out a fire, unless of course, a sibling is being pummeled or something.

So, at this moment, you have a choice – and it’s all your choice because no one else can make you feel a certain way. No one makes you angry. No one makes you feel anything. Your perception of the situation is how you feel an emotion. Your interpretation of what someone says or of what you saw or smelled. So, you can change that perception – through your use of empathy in this case – that should help.

If you get mad in this moment, one reason may be that you haven’t developed that new mindset yet – that their brain is doing this, it’s just dysregulation - it’s emotional noise or maybe you’re not yet able to see their world through their horseradish.

And if you let your emotions take over, you’ve just lost a huge opportunity for connection. I know connection is not top of mind when they’re ranting and raving, but you can train yourself to think this way. Their emotional dysregulation equals an opportunity for connection.

And it can take a lot of practice – don’t get me wrong. I could feel the blood rising up to my eyeballs when my son would start stomping around in his bedroom because I knew a blowup was on its way. I was gearing up in my mind for a flood of my own emotions. Stomping and banging are still a big trigger for me. I get anxious when I think someone’s mad – anyone.

But you know what? That didn’t start with my son. That started in childhood. My dad was easily angered, frustrated – it seemed like he was always mumbling angrily under his breath, fussing, or yelling about something. I can remember these times as a kid.

So, you have memories, maybe you don’t think about them, but if you look closely at the situations or issues that really upset you, angers you, really makes you want to scream – it usually relates back to a past experience. Maybe just to last week but it could also be years.

It’s the brain’s hippocampus that allows us to remember things that have happened to us in our lives. These are conscious memories. And if those conscious memories are very emotional for us, the amygdala steps in and helps us remember them even better.

For example, do you remember where you were when the first plane hit the World Trade Center?

But we also have what’s known as unconscious memories (which really doesn’t make a lot of sense because we don’t actually remember them) but guess what part of the brain does remember? Our amygdala.

Amygdala stored memories are totally under our radar – we have no conscious memory of them but they’re there, and the amygdala knows. So, when the same or somewhat similar situation comes up now, the amygdala will automatically react – that same old fight, flight or freeze response. We’ll get angry or afraid or just not be able to think at all. But we just don’t really know why.

These are learned responses, encoded in our amygdala to be called upon later when triggered by some stimulus that prompts us to respond automatically, without thought. The type of learned response we’re talking about is learning by association.

Once you learn to respond to a stimulus through its association with something else, this response is just as automatic as a response that has been hard-wired in our brain from birth – like making a face when we taste something sour or blinking when someone throws something in your face.

So, learning through association is like Pavlov’s dogs. He discovered the dogs learned to associate the lab assistants walking down the hall to bring their food and would start salivating. So, he tried a more formal experiment. He would turn on a metronome when serving their food and over time they began salivating at the sound of the Metronome – no food around. Salivation was a learned automatic response.

The same thing can happen when we experience something really negative, we can associate that negative thing with some sort of neutral otherwise meaningless thing that was there when this negative thing happened over and over.

You see this play out in movies and series all the time. An example that immediately comes to mind is the first season of The Sinner with Bill Pullman as detective Harry Ambrose. Jessical Biel played in that season and in the first 5 minutes she stabs a guy to death on the beach, in front of her husband and kids after she hears a song being played through a speaker sitting next to him.

As we learn much later, it’s the song that played over and over as she was held captive somewhere and drugged to erase her memory. This is a classic movie trope – Someone smells something or sees something or hears something and they have a sudden impulse or emotion that for them is totally unexplained (but the audience gets to see the flashbacks.)

So, this can actually happen. Probably a lot less dramatically, but it can. There was a horrible experiment that I read about when I did all my brain research. It happened back in the 1920s and it would never be allowed to happen today. They took a 9-month old baby and let it play with a cute little white mouse – baby’s not afraid of the mouse – it has no reason to fear the mouse. But these asshole scientists were out to make him fear white mice. So after they let him play with the little mouse for a while, they took it away. Then they brought back out but they made huge loud noise right behind the baby’ head as they gave it to him. They did this over and over (can you imagine?!) So, no surprise after a few times pairing the loud noise with bringing the mouse out, all they had to do was show him the mouse without the noise and he’d start to cry. If Albert hadn’t dies at age 6 (not related to the experiment) we could assume that he would have likely had a crippling fear of white mice or anything resembling one and have no idea why.

So knowing this about how our brain works, knowing how we can associate things and have memories we don’t even remember, do you see how easy it is for emotions to be triggered and how hard it might be to untangle the mess of how that came to be?

I just wanted to explain a little bit of that so you could really try to pick apart why it is that you’re so reactive to a tone your kid uses with you, or how irritable they are in the morning, or how they always take their dirty socks off and leave them in the family room. Why do certain things they do or say make you want to jump out of your skin? If you can’t figure it out, ask a family member, a sibling or a parent. Someone else may hold the clues.

The reason it’s so important to understand your own emotional triggers is because until you are aware of your emotions, where they come from and specifically what emotion it you’re experiencing, it’s much easier to just say, “It’s out of my control” “I just can’t help it” “I don’t know why I react that way, I’m sorry” Enough of that. Figure out what’s going on. And if you just don’t feel you can help the way you react and you cannot be calm with your kids or spouse, it’s time for some counseling. Maybe you have an anxiety disorder, or maybe you’re just under too much stress.

If you don’t want to go to counseling or can’t afford it, there are excellent self-help books, workbooks, journals, apps, my guides. I’ll list some in the show notes for you along with those other podcast episodes. It’s time to get to work, get your emotions under control so you can connect with your kids, avoid the unnecessary conflict and be their biggest influencer. You can do that!

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today and I believe that may wrap up our series on Connection unless I come up with something else I want to add next Friday.

Thank you for being here – I hope you found this helpful in some way, and as always, if you did, just share it with someone else.

And a big shoutout to one of our Parent Camp members, Catherine Russo, for pointing out that I left and accidental SHIT in episode 104! I had to go back and edit it out! Maybe I should start leaving little easter eggs in every episode as a contest – or just to test you and see if  you’re really listening! Thank you, Catherine and thanks to you for being here and passing the word about our podcast.

As always, until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.