Have you ever wondered why you think, feel, or behave a certain way with your teens or younger kids or even your spouse or partner? I’ll bet you have. I hope you have. I’ve certainly talked about it a good bit on this podcast.

We have to reflect on these issues if we want the best relationships we can have – we can’t change what we don’t understand.

And one thing that has a ton of influence on our closest relationships, is how we grew up, how we were parented, the relationship we had with our own parents. There can’t be a bigger influence.

Before we become parents most of us have probably have already decided, I want to be the kind of parents I had – or I don’t want to be anything like my parents.

The problem is that the way we learn about how relationships work when we’re young has a deeply profound impact on us that’s not always consciously recognized or understood.

So, listen up because we’re going to talk about *the attachment style you developed with your own parents, *how it impacts your relationships, and be sure to stay until the end because we’ll discuss *how change things so future generations don’t have to go through the same thing. Be prepared to have your mind blown.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

Right up front before I even start talking about the science of attachment, I want to get one thing out of the way first :

A lot of parents confuse having a secure attachment with a child with a parenting practice called “attachment parenting.” So, to be really clear attachment parenting is a philosophy or approach to parenting developed by Dr. William and Martha Sears.

The Sears base their “attachment parenting” method on many things that do make a lot of sense - like anthropologists observations of indigenous people, their own parenting, and ideas like being emotionally responsive to babies, which is based on scientific evidence.

But there is no scientific evidence that attachment parenting necessarily leads to what is scientifically known as secure attachment (which I’ll define in a minute). In other words, secure attachment is quite possible without practicing attachment parenting. And one can have an insecure attachment with a child even while adhering to all the mechanics of attachment parenting.

In other words, parents do not have to adhere to the Sears’ tenants of breast-feeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping and all the rest, to develop a secure attachment with their child.

I make no judgments on attachment parenting here – but that’s not what we’re talking about – I wanted to make sure you understand that we’re talking about the scientific theory of attachment and the various attachment styles that subsequently develop in an individual depending on how someone is parented (namely, you)–  and it has nothing to do with the attachment parenting philosophy or movement. Okay – so no more about “attachment parenting” - let’s move on.

Attachment theory was developed from the work of psychiatrist, John Bowlby back in the 1930s. He found that evolutionarily speaking, all humans have an innate desire for attachment - to have strong connections with others (for both survival and to reproduce and perpetuate the species.) So, his work focused on the human desire for love, support, belonging, connection – and how it’s a major factor in how we relate with the world around us.

By the late 1960s, Mary Ainsworth, was studying the relationships between babies and mothers and was able to diagnose the type of attachment or relationship they had with each other.

She would separate babies and mothers and observe the babies when the mother left and while she as gone and then when the mothers came back. And although there were variations of reactions based on babies’ temperament and personality, there were notable behavior differences between babies with a secure attachment versus those with an insecure attachment. The mothers were either attuned to their baby’s physical and emotional needs or misattuned (which may not have been intentional) It’s really fascinating stuff.

Over time kids internalize the attachment experience with their parents. If the parents are warm, responsive, loving and emotionally available, the child develops a secure attachment style (they feel worthy of care, feel they can go off and explore safely, feel free to express their pleasant and unpleasant feelings, and feel they can rely on their caregivers –  they feel secure).

With secure attachment, babies or kids use parents as a “secure base” - they can leave the base to go off and do a little exploring and when they get nervous or scared, they go back to the parent for “safe haven”. One researcher described secure attachment as “…the deep, abiding confidence a baby has in the availability and responsiveness of the caregiver.”

But the attachment style we established with our parents doesn’t just impact our  relationship with them, or with our own kids – it has a major impact on our romantic relationships and can even impact work relationships. Our attachment style is a template for all future relationships (you’re about to have some aha moments!)

If you have a secure attachment style, you’re comfortable in close relationships and you’re easy to connect with, and it’s easy for you to be emotionally available for other people. But you’re also just fine being alone probably because of your high self-esteem.

When you’re in a relationship, you communicate well and can handle conflict pretty easily, you’re able to regulate your emotions – you don’t fly off the handle or have major meltdowns – because you’re able to self-reflect and you also find it easy to trust your partner (you’re rarely jealous), and you’re able to ask for emotional support from other people if you need it.

You feel emotionally and physically secure in a relationship and you’re able to maintain your own unique sense of self – you don’t lose yourself in the relationship. And you don’t need a lot of reassurance from you’re partner that you’re worthy of their love and affection.

So if that sounds like you, that’s wonderful -  you probably have fewer issues with partner.

But of course, all of us did not develop a secure attachment with one or both of our parents. So, let’s talk about insecure attachment styles.

As Mary Ainsworth discovered back in the 60s there are several insecure attachment styles that people develop when their parents are not as warm, responsive, loving and emotionally available. It’s not terribly important what they’re called – and as a matter of fact it’s pretty dang confusing because it just depends on who you ask – but generally speaking the 3 insecure attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Someone develops an anxious attachment style when their parents are not always emotionally available and well attuned to their needs. In other words, they flip flop back and forth.

It’s a very inconsistent attachment where kids don’t know what to expect from one minute to the next.

Maybe your dad took you to the park one day and paid 1000% attention to you, pushing you in the swing, talked to you about things you enjoyed, gave you hugs and kisses and everything was just overboard perfect. But the next morning you get up and he hardly speaks to you at the breakfast table and walks back into his bedroom without saying a word as you walk out the door for school. Then maybe when you got home, he acted like nothing had happened that morning and started fawning all over you again. And things just flip flop back and forth like this on a regular basis, turning on a dime.

This parent is usually looking to their child to fill their emotional needs – sometimes being intensely focused on the child - this can be really draining and damaging to the child and at the same time they’re not getting their needs met. It’s very confusing and feels really unstable so the child doesn’t feel secure and safe – everything is a big question mark for them.

If you have an anxious attachment style – how would you know other than remembering your childhood?

Well, you likely have a fear of rejection, of abandonment, you’re clingy and needy and very insecure. You depend on your partner for your validation and emotional regulation and you’re always putting the needs of your partner above your own to hopefully get your needs met from them.

This type of attachment style is why it’s so important that we never look to our kids to get our needs met. An adults emotional needs must be met by other adults – whether that’s a partner, a friend, a therapist…never our kids. Our consistency with our kids is also so important – don’t leave them guessing as to what mom or dad will do one minute to the next. I’ve heard other experts say it’s better to be consistently a bad parent that go back and forth.

Another insecure attachment style is avoidant attachment style. An avoidant attachment style may have developed in childhood if your parents met your physical needs – a (home, food, clothes) but failed to meet your emotional needs. I think of this when I think of the authoritarian parents of the 1920s. Those who were told that you had to break the will of your child and that hugging and showing affection would ruin them.

But many of our parents were this way. Maybe your parents provided you with everything you needed, physically – maybe even more than you needed. You can be spoiled with things but have parents who failed to show much love and affection.

We see this a lot with the ultra-wealthy. From baby nurses to au pairs and nannies and off to boarding school.

So, you could have a parent who was physically absent a lot and when they were around, they didn’t show any warmth or affection but they did provide everything they could for you physically.

Or maybe your parent was around a lot but still paid no attention to you. They may have expected you to be completely independent and when you needed them, you got in trouble. They expected you to do your homework, your chores, and not make any trouble. They may have had a completely separate adult life – gone a lot on trips or out to parties or could have just sat at home and did their own thing. If you expressed any needs or emotions they were dismissed, rejected, or invalidated. When you grow up this way, you learn to just act like you don’t have any needs.

As one expert said, “some avoidant-producing parents are outright neglectful, but others are simply busy, slightly disinterested, and more concerned with things like grades, chores, or manners than feelings, hopes, dreams, or fears”.  Let me say that again, listen closely: some avoidant-producing parents are outright neglectful but others are simply busy, slightly disinterested, and more concerned with things like grades, chores, or manners than feelings, hopes, dreams, or fears”

My father was this way with me and my brother. He was rarely in a good mood; we were scared to say much to him. He’d come home from work, sit down in his chair with his newspaper and pipe in front of the TV.

I remembered being terrified to walk into their bedroom in the middle of the night or yell out if I was scared because I knew how angry he’d be.

And now I know that’s because he was raised by one of those misled authoritarian parents – my grandmother (that’s how this works, remember). He had no idea how to deal with our emotions, tell us he loved us, hug us (once we got past little and cute because I have seen those pictures.) We really never talked about much of anything other than what was necessary for the day to day stuff. When he laughed or smiled it was really exciting, but it never lasted long. I can vividly remember him apologizing one time for – I can’t remember what – but it obviously made an impact.

BUT, he worked hard and was a great provider – we had everything we wanted growing up and on into adulthood. If I ever needed anything financially, he was willing and able. And I did figure out as I grew up that was how he showed his love – that’s the only way he knew how. I’d go visit them when I was older and his last words to me were always, “do you need any money?” He was always trying to give me money.

I managed to work on him later in life and he loosened up and luckily I did have my mother to build a more secure attachment with – and luckily we only need that with one parent (and not necessarily the mother either).

But if both parents re like this, it causes you to not be in touch with your own needs and desires, you’re less likely to take a chance on close relationships, may have trouble with physical or emotional intimacy, struggle talking about your feelings and have a hard time with vulnerability or being dependent on anyone else.

You  generally distrust people, feel threatened when people try to get too close, you spend more time all by yourself than with others because you feel you don’t need anyone else in your life. And you may feel like your partner is too needy if they attempt to be too close. You just don’t need emotional intimacy.

Are you starting to see how these attachment styles can really play out in our relationships? You can start to see the why behind a lot of behaviors can’t you?

One more insecure style is the disorganized attachment style. This type of attachment style is characterized by childhood trauma – neglect or abuse. The parent here is wildly unpredictable. They may be kind for one minute then fly into a rage the next. There’s no sense of safety or security at all. The primary emotion for the child here is fear. Kids are confused because they know this person is supposed to protect them, and they want comfort from them, and they do love them but at the same time they fear them.

A disorganized attachment style may show up as a general feeling that other people will hurt you, having a deep fear of rejection, having a hard time regulating your emotions – being upset easily and not being able to control it. You may feel desperate when someone seems to pull away and you may withdraw when you feel someone getting too close. You may be very anxious and have huge trust issues with other people, plus you could also show signs from both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

Unfortunately, people with a disorganized attachment style may develop a variety of mental health disorders, as you can imagine. Everything from mood disorders to personality disorders, substance abuse and self-harm.

Doesn’t learning this about attachment style explain a lot about your own behavior? Think about your relationship with your partner or your ex. And as I said your attachment style predicts how you parent and the attachment style your child has developed.

If you feel you’ve developed an insecure attachment style (one of the 3 we just discussed) it’s because you’re grandparents (at least the primary caregiver – usually the mother) developed that attachment style with them and so forth back up the line.

As Lanie Liberti said in episode 105, “hurt people, hurt people.” I know my father’s mother (my paternal grandmother) lost her husband when she was pregnant with my father – there was certainly trauma there for her and for my father in-utero. He was born club-footed (his feet were basically on backwards). She drove from north Alabama to Birmingham in a Model-T Ford with her baby in 1929 to get the surgery he needed - as a single mother on a mill-worker’s income.

She obviously loved her child. But she would make him stand in the middle of a wash tub or lock him in a closet as punishment when he was tiny. She was cold and not nurturing in any way, shape of form.

So, it’s no wonder my father had no idea how to be warm and loving, he had a very insecure attachment to his only parent.

Most parents do the best they can and don’t know any other way – even abuse and neglect has its roots in abuse and neglect – no it doesn’t excuse it or make it right – it just explains it.

And lots of parents want to do better but circumstances may have prevented it. Mental illness, housing insecurity, job insecurity, marginalization, immigration status…there are so many issues that could hinder a secure attachment.

If you grew up with a secure attachment to at least one attachment figure (a parent or even a grandparent) then you had a better chance of creating a secure attachment not only with your partner but with your kids.

But what if you didn’t? What if you’ve listened to this and realize you have some sort of insecure attachment? Is it too late to fix it and repair things in your relationships – to stop the insecure attachment before passing it along to the next generation? Apparently, it is not too late.

Research has shown that it’s possible to develop a secure attachment style later in life rather than from birth, is called earned security or earned secure attachment (as opposed to someone with continuous secure experiences from birth).

The scientific evidence is that you can develop almost the same secure characteristics I mentioned earlier, as someone with continuous secure attachment. And with this earned secure attachment we can then establish a secure attachment with our kids.

It’s not easy. It takes awareness that you have an insecure attachment style, the willingness to change and then the dedication to do the deep work on yourself. But our brains continue to be malleable even after adolescence ends, so it can be done.

According to the research, this is what you have to do to achieve earned security:

1. An Attachment figure – You have to establish a trusting relationship with a surrogate primary caregiver or attachment figure – a secure base. It could be someone you’re in a relationship with, a mentor or friend but probably most often it’s a therapist.

 

2. Accept Emotional support: You have to change your belief that you can’t depend on anyone. You have to allow yourself to start trusting and relying on other people. Your attachment will provide this emotional support, empathy, and validation for you.

 

3. Reflect and make sense of past experiences: If you ever hope to move on from the past, you have to acknowledge its impact on your life. You have to go back and think about and reflect on this stuff from your past so you can process those emotions and gain new perspectives on current relationships.

 

4. Modify your self-perception: As someone with an insecure attachment style you likely have a negative sense of self or low self-worth. So, to earn security, you’ll need to work hard on this. You might have to let go of a “victim mentality” and you may even need to redefine boundaries or relationships with family members and friends.

 

5. Make deliberate changes in thought patterns and behaviors: Identify the behavior patterns that present because of your insecure attachment style and make conscious changes so you can begin to show up more securely in all these relationships. Those changes are going to depend on the insecure attachment style you had, of course.

 

6. Something else that researchers have found is that paying it forward to other people who need this same type of attachment support – can help you become more secure in your own. Be a mentor or an attachment figure for young people or help other parents find their way. I’m a big believer in paying in forward.

 

Now, the only thing that earned secure attachment doesn’t always change is mental health disorders that may have developed because of insecure attachment. They may improve but it’s important to continue to seek help for those specific disorders.

The important thing to remember here is that you can break the intergenerational cycle of insecure attachment. Parents with earned secure attachment are shown by researchers to be just as effective at parenting as those with continuous secure attachment.

 

 

So, here’s what I want you to take away from this:

We are ALL flawed individuals, and we are all flawed partners and parents. But, if we can figure out where the worst of these flaws come from – the ones that impact our family members, and work to heal them, why wouldn’t we?

When we can make life better for our kids and our partner AND for future generations. Think about that. We can literally change the patterns that were established generations back, that messed things up for our great grandparents and grandparents and parents. But it doesn’t have to continue.

Dig through the poop and figure it out. Yes, it’s messy and not fun – painful even – but what a legacy to leave behind. The one that stopped insecure attachment in the family tree. That’s a branch I’d want my name on.

Alright, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Be sure and check the show notes for resources and thank you for sticking with me to the end. Yay! I’d love it if you’d share the episode with a friend (or two or three) and help ME pay it forward.

Until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.