I think about this all the time: How can I best explain to parents of teenagers why they’re likely having issues with their teens? Is there one thing I could say to the parent who say’s my teen’s mouthy and entitled and lies and to the parent that says mine has ADHD and anxiety is smoking weed and fighting with us constantly, and to the one who says, mine won’t speak to me, hates me, and won’t follow the rules even though we’ve taken everything away?

And, I believe there is. It was a major part of our issues with our son and I really didn’t get it.

And it’s why I’m here, doing this podcast, writing the guides, running the Parent Camp. I want you to get it. I want you to know there is a way forward – whether you’re in panic mode as I was a few years ago or you’re just tired of the lies or the attitude or whatever it is. There’s a common theme for most of us – not all – but most.

And today, in episode 100, I want to explain something to you that I wish someone had explained to me when I was in the thick of it: It’s going to be okay, but you’ve got to change your behavior.

 

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

 

Now, here’s the first thing I want you to understand. As parents, we don’t deserve the blame for how our kids behave. And here’s why: because no one teaches us how to be parents – not in school, not at the doctor’s office, not at the hospital, not even at mother’s morning out or that prestigious private preschool. We are literally left to fend for ourselves. We might have our parents or our friends – but guess what? They don’t know any more than we do!

So, we can’t really be blamed – it’s not so much our fault - but it is on us – a lot of it.

I mean kids are born with a certain temperament and personality, genetics and we can’t do a lot about that. And we can’t make them behave a certain way – we really cannot – especially by the time they reach 10, 11, 12 – forget about it. But you know who’s behavior we can control? Our own – yes, we can.

And it’s our behavior that influences their behavior. Whether we’re warm or cold, whether we’re accepting or rejecting, supportive or distant, attentive or dismissive…

Our behavior counts – even when our kids are teens and pay more attention to their friends than us. Our behavior counts.

Those few minutes of daily interaction – you have to take advantage of it, make it count in a positive way. And for too many of us, most of those precious minutes are spent negatively.

And here’s why…it’s usually because when that first little bit of shit hits the fan, (and I’m talking about when they have their first “teen moment” that just stuns you and sends you reeling) when it hits, rather than waltzing over and turning the fan off, we race over and crank that sucker up wide ass open

But we do it without even realizing we’re doing it and then we’re shocked when the shit flies all over the place.

Maybe it happened in those first weeks or months of adolescence when they first started with the attitude or emotional outbursts. Maybe you thought – “Oh hell nah – not my kid” and you cranked that fan up.

Or maybe you didn’t crank it up until a little later when something hit you just right. I did pretty good until I realized my son was smoking weed – I spent that first year in denial and then when there was no more denying it – I had that fan going so hard and fast that the walls were covered, I was covered – we were all covered in shit.

I made everything worse than it had to be.

Here’s what I mean:

Up until puberty hit your kid like a ton of bricks, let’s say you felt pretty darn good about their behavior and your relationship – maybe even really good. They listened and did what you asked most of the time and usually with a pretty good attitude.

But suddenly, out of the blue, they’re tone changes, they want to stay in their room, they don’t want to watch a movie with you or go on a picnic by the lake, they want to be with their friends maybe they get mad and yell at you or charge a game on your credit card or go somewhere they weren’t supposed to.

Whatever it was when you started first seeing the signs of “trouble” or of “disrespect” or “laziness” or “entitlement” or “dishonesty” or “attitude” - something clicked in your brain.

Or, like me, maybe that little voice was quiet until later on when something bigger happened, sneaking out, a big lie, getting drunk, smoking weed, vaping…and you freaked.

Whatever it was, whenever it was, you either took a hard stance because it’s how you’ve always parented or because your fear took over and you just wanted their behavior to stop.

You turned the fan up…either because of your authoritarian parenting style or because of your lack of emotional regulation. Your behavior – your response to their behavior is generally the same either way: you don’t listen to them, you don’t try to find out why they’re behaving this way. You don’t empathize or acknowledge how they feel, you don’t guide, you punish – you take something away or give them extra chores or you yell or lecture or all three.

You might try to make them feel guilty, tell them you’re disappointed, show them how disgusted you are with this behavior.

And now the shit’s flying all over the walls but you don’t realize you had anything to do with it – it’s them - you’re so wound up in your fear or your anger or your disdain. But that fan’s whirring away in the background and it will probably stay on high all the time now - you know why?

Because now you’re expecting this behavior from them, you’re hyper-sensitive to anything that sounds like it might be remotely similar to what they’ve done in the past, or, you’re so worried about their future that you’re going to see signs of trouble at every turn.

You don’t know it but you’re looking for stuff to be upset about now – you don’t mean to – it’s a trick of the brain. And you will find it.

You know why else that fan’s gonna’ stay on high?

Because from your teen’s perspective, you’re treating them like a child and they don’t feel like a child. You’ve scolded or punished them like a child, talked to them like they’re a child, which tells them they you don’t know them at all.

And from their perspective you’ve acted like they’re a horrible person and a loser and that they disgust you. That’s how they feel. They feel your disdain, they feel your disrespect, they feel put down and shackled, and for no good reason – because you didn’t listen to them and you just don’t get it.

And guess what? They’re right – you don’t get it. I didn’t get it either. You’re in really good company here – a lot of us don’t get it.

Think of it this way. What if you wanted to go out with the girls or the guys one night and your spouse said, “you know what, I’d rather you didn’t – I’m afraid you might get in trouble. You might see some cute hot thing and run off with them or you might have a wreck. You know you were home 30 minutes later than you said you’d be when you went to the store last night. So nope, you’re going to stay home.” And they put your car keys in their pocket and cut you off every time you opened your mouth to argue.

You’d never let that happen, would you? If they even tried that, how pissed would you be?!

Well, that’s how your teens feel – a lot. Their brain tells them they are every bit as adult as you are. That they have every right to their opinions, their freedom, their life the way they want to live it. And they are righteously indignant that you don’t see it that way – that you don’t see them for who they really are. They don’t understand why you can’t.

Now, you and I don’t really remember feeling this way when we were younger because – that’s another trick of the brain. We can remember the songs, our first love, a few times we got it trouble or did something crazy – but it’s almost impossible to really remember our lives from that perspective.

But because of the changes their brain is going through, they are pretty darn sure that they know what life’s all about and that you don’t. Forget for a second that that’s really not true. It’s how they feel – and it’s their feelings that count and that we have to pay more attention to.

We operate on our feelings – our emotions. Emotions are signals for us – they lead us in certain directions, tell us what’s important to us. We have to pay attention to ours and others. We just can’t let them take us over and control us. And we have to help our kids to teach them how to not let theirs take them over and control them.

But we don’t do that by ignoring their feelings, telling them it’s too bad that they feel the way they feel. Again, how would you like that?

Well, just because they’re younger and they’re your kids, doesn’t mean they like it any better and you need to pay attention to that, or you know – the shit.

Let me help you out here – there is no evidence whatsoever that ignoring how our teens and tweens feel about things will turn them into well-rounded adults.

There is no evidence that excessive consequences – just a punishment - teaches them to act like an adult. If it did, the more we took away from them, the more mature they would act, right? Have you ever seen that happen? No – because the exact opposite is true. You can take everything away from them – and they’re going to want to prove to you that you are still not their boss. You know how? By doing what they were doing but hiding it better. By learning how to lie like a rug. By getting sneakier and sneakier. And, the side effect is them not being able to even speak to you, much less smile or look you in the eyes. I mean how would you like it if your spouse took your phone away because he didn’t like the tone of your voice or that you drove through a yellow light or got home a few minutes late. You wouldn’t feel very respected would you?

Wait – I know – “well, I don’t feel very respected by my teenager either” Okay, but you have a fully grown brain. Your prefrontal cortex, the part that helps us with our executive functions like focus and planning and organizing and making good decisions, using self-control – an adult’s is fully formed but a teen’s is still being programmed and it’s weak and the parts that make them angry and moody and jumpy and irritable and reflexive and wild and crazy and willing to do anything…those parts are wide ass open – without much at all to help them reign it in.

We tend to think about our teens in two completely different ways at the same time. On one hand we think their brain is not ready to make certain decisions or do certain things and on the other hand we think, their brain should be plenty able to know better than that – they should be able to do this. (except we don’t really think about this in terms of their brain – we think in terms of their age or maturity level, but those things can be quite deceiving and are quite often.

Brain growth is not linear and therefore neither is behavior – maturity level. You might have a 15-year-old who’s afraid to ask a waiter for another roll but have no problem leading a pep rally on stage in the school auditorium. They may be able to memorize every move in a video game yet be unable to regurgitate facts for a science test. And they may be capable of staying out until midnight without getting in trouble but be totally unable to turn in their homework each day.

Teenage behavior is baffling but in a way that makes total sense…if you know how their brain works. And once you do, you need to a) temper your expectations, b) empathize with them so you can cut them some slack when necessary, c) acknowledge how they feel and perceive themselves and their world, d) treat them with respect and dignity rather than a kid who has no rights and no say in their life.

Seriously, shift the way you think about it – how would you want to be treated. Period. Not how should I make them behave or how should I say this or that – but number 1, how would I want to be treated – how would I want to feel right now?

It’s really simple when you boil it down to feelings. Your teens need to feel that you are listening, that you understand them, that you know what they feel and what they need, that you respect them, and that you love them no matter what. If you can keep your own emotions in check and just do that, plus apologize when you mess up, you’ve got the makings of a great relationship and some really good behavior from your teens.

 

 

They need you to keep your cool, and to understand that little voice in your head better.

And ask yourself why – a lot. Why am I thinking this right now? Why am I so concerned about this? Why do I feel so angry about that? Why did I say those things or why did I interrupt them to do that?

And ask how too. How can I think about this differently? How can I see them differently? How can I show them I’m listening and that I get it? How can I show them I respect them as an individual? How can I support their autonomy?

We spend a lot of time worrying about and responding to the wrong things with our teens. From their perspective, we’re more concerned about their messy bedroom or their grades than understanding their emotional world.

Show them how a fully-grown brain responds to a teenager with a still-growing brain.

Show them you are capable of turning that fan down.