Do you realize that what you do and say in that moment when your teen has made a pretty big mistake, done something wrong, broken a rule – your response to their behavior is one of the most critical factors in whether or not they do something like that again.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

Today I have our weekly bonus episode – if you’re new here – welcome – just so you know, our more in depth episode is every Tuesday and bonus episodes are on Friday.

Today I want you to think about your normal response to your teen when they’ve done something wrong. Are you an instant yeller and consequences issuer? Or do you lecture and hope for the best next time?

Well, in reality the best response lies more in the middle.

Let’s say your 14-year-old snuck out through their bedroom window after you went to bed and walked 6 blocks to meet up with friends on a school night and didn’t get back home until 3 am. You wake up as they’re sneaking back in and realize what’s happened and they’re standing there in the dark with the window open, taking off their clothes to get back into bed.

I have a story - I walked into my son’s room in the middle of the night once and found a hand written note on the bed where his scrawny butt should have been sleeping. I still have it somewhere  - it said something like, “Mom, if you find this note, I’m okay. I’ve just gone down the street to meet Riley and we’re not going anywhere else and we’re not doing anything dangerous. I’ll be back soon. Love you.”

Did that soften the blow? Somewhat. But I feel pretty sure it didn’t stop my freak-out.

What do you do when your kid has done something wrong like this?

Well, the first thing you should do, if you’re infuriated and don’t feel you can stop yourself from spinning out of control and yelling or threatening or lecturing - you need to just hold off on doing or saying much of anything. Period.

There is no rule that we must address our kid’s misbehavior immediately - as soon as we discover it. 99% of the time, it’s not an emergency situation. The harm (if there was any) has already been done – whatever it is they did, they did it. So, in the heat of the moment when you’re feeling anxious or furious or anything other than calm, it is not the time to address their behavior.

So, things that happen late at night are usually best addressed the next day – after school is over even – again, no one’s going to suffer if this isn’t addressed right this minute.

So, just let them know – I’m angry and frustrated right now and I’m not sure I can control my temper, so we’ll talk about this tomorrow after school.

The next thing you need to consider is how serious was this offense. Did someone get hurt somehow (physically, emotionally, financially…) or did they put themselves or someone else in danger of being hurt? Was it illegal – put them in danger of being arrested? Have they done it before? If you can answer No to all of that AND, as I’ll discuss in a minute, they’re remorseful for what they’ve done then:

Remind yourself we all learn by making mistakes – best way to learn

Remind yourself of the way their brain works and be empathetic

Remind yourself they’re just a big toddler writing on the walls and they’re still learning how to behave properly

Even if they’ve done this on purpose, in reality it’s a mistake because their brain doesn’t function like yours; they don’t have the same ability to be rational and reasonable and make sound and wise decisions; they don’t have the same self-control; they react on emotion and in the heat of the moment because their brain is telling them do it do it do it (yeah, you might get hurt but probably not and look how much fun this could be)!

Their brain is functioning much like a toddler’s – so picture them in that big body with a little toddler head and remember that toddlers make mistakes and so do adolescents – we ALL learn how to behave by getting it wrong (a lot) at first.

We all fall the first months we try to walk, we stumble over our words the first time we try to read, we all hurt someone’s feelings or act out of turn when we first start playing in groups, and we all mess up when we’re feeling our way through this complicated social and emotional and academic part of life called adolescence. We don’t learn how to do anything without doing it badly first.

When these things our teens and tweens do, disappoint us or make us angry, it’s because we’re expecting way more of them than they are capable of. Oh yes – I know the argument that, “well I expect a lot from my kid – if not, how will they ever rise to the occasion and get better at anything”? There’s a big difference between reasonable and unreasonable expectations.

 

 

We can’t expect someone with an unfinished brain to perform like someone with a finished brain – an adult. The brain they have is one with little to no self-control, severely lacks good decision-making and planning ahead skills, but is overflowing with the urge to do crazy, risky, things…and it turns them into an endless fountain of negative emotion. You have to temper your expectations here – come on!

If you expect mistakes to happen – just like when they first learned to play an instrument or a sport, then you won’t be so dang disappointed when they hit a sour note or put a goal in the opponent’s net.

If you assume the role of teacher rather than punisher, you can avoid a lot of conflict.

So, when they mess up, but it’s not harmful in some way – like the sneaking out – you don’t have to even think about issuing consequences the first time. I know – I know – but if I don’t they’ll just do it again. That absolutely does not have to be the case.

When they’ve made this mistake, and you’re calm and ready to have a brief discussion, simply ask them, “what happened?” – with a normal, sincere, and curious tone. Seriously – why did they feel the need to sneak out? Why would you think? It could be that it’s just exciting to do something so “forbidden”, right? Or it could be that they’d made a reasonable request to go see this person earlier, but you said no. It could have been that this person texted them and said they were thinking of harming themselves or they were going to sneak off with someone they met online…you don’t know until you ask. Never presume they’ve done something that you see as wrong, for some nefarious or manipulative reason. ASK.

And be open to any reasons for their action. They could have done the right thing but maybe they went about it in the wrong way. Be mindful of that. You can guide them to do it the “right way” next time.

When you ask, “what happened?” then  you have to know how to truly listen to them, validate their feelings (yes, I understand you really missed her), ask curiosity questions along the way to help them process how they made the decision to do what they did (Did you go back and forth on your decision to leave without telling us? Did you have any second thoughts? What kept you from paying attention to them?)

Just remember, this is not a lecture, you shouldn’t shame them – us “I statements” (“I worry that something might happen to you” not “you worry me with this type of behavior”).

Ignore any digs they make towards you, any tone, or “disrespect” – you can always address that later – you’re trying to get to the root of the problem here and help them process what they did – don’t let it go off course.

When you’ve listened and you’re convinced that they get what they’ve done was not the correct way, then there is no need for consequences – it’s better to now discuss how this can be avoided in the future and then discuss what the consequences should be if it does happen this way again.

Next time they could tell you a friend is in trouble or perhaps you can grant them a 30-minute visit with that girlfriend or boyfriend to avoid them feeling the need to sneak out. Ask yourself what’s it going to hurt. Because being reasonable and flexible will build trust and connection between you and your child so they won’t feel the need to hide things from you – if they can tell you a friend is in trouble and they need to do something without you freaking out, they’re more likely to do that than sneak around behind your back – or if you’re likely to let them have a few minutes extra now and then to do something, they’re less likely to just take it.

Just try it. I think  you’ll be surprised.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. I appreciate you so much for being here. And I’ve linked to a couple of other related episodes in the show description right where you’re listening. If you like what you heard today, please come back on Tuesday, and consider sharing the podcast with a friend.

You can now go to speakingofteens.com/waitlist to add your name because we have something big and exciting coming soon. Rather than just another parenting course, we’ve decided to form a Online Gathering Place where you and your co-parent if you like, can come to learn every aspect of parenting teens and tweens from me and additional experts through live virtual meet-ups, a community, and other built in learning resources. It’s going to be incredible. We’ll be opening the doors in the not to distance future so come back each week right here for an update.

And hey, I’ve spend the last 2 and half days trying to get my new email to work so if you’d like to test it out, send me a hello to acoleman@speakingofteens.com!

Our producer and editor is Steve Coleman; researched, written, and hosted by me, Ann Coleman.

Until next time, stay in the moment and remember, you’re not alone.