Ann: It’s no secret that young people across the globe are experiencing a mental health crisis – with anxiety disorders being among the most common issue.

Anxiety increased in kids and teens in the US by almost 30% between 2016 and 2020 and we know COVID only made things worse. In a recent poll conducted by the National Institute on Mental Illness, 64% of teens reported feeling the world is more stressful now than when their parents were their age. And it shouldn’t come as a surprise that teenage girls are much more likely to report being anxious than boys – with around 36% reporting that they feel anxious every single day. But boys certainly experience anxiety too – and I know first-hand how confusing and devastating a child’s anxiety disorder can be for a family.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

On today’s episode I’m talking to another mom who knows all too well how kids’ and adolescents’ daily experiences can sometimes make it difficult for them to function in the world without therapeutic intervention.

10 years ago, Lauren Wolfe was a licensed professional counselor in Newtown Connecticut when a 20-year-old walked into Sandy Hook Elementary and gunned down twenty, 6- and 7-year-old students and six adults. Lauren’s young children were the same age and attended a neighboring elementary school.

Today, Lauren remains in Newtown and works with kids and teens and families. She’s been trained in the specific therapeutic techniques required to help people deal with stress and anxiety – and no one is feeling that stress and anxiety as much as teenagers are today.

I first asked Lauren to explain what anxiety looks like in an adolescent.

Lauren Wolfe: So ,I think it's really a misconception of what anxiety actually looks like and what we often think anxiety looks like for teenagers. And the same really goes for younger children as well. We imagine that anxiety looks something like, Mom, Dad, I'm feeling really worried. I'm feeling really worried about this thing, right? And if it was in fact like that, That would be amazing, but instead it often comes out as irritability, as freshness, kids being super disrespectful and short tempered and fresh.

It can come out as irritability. Anger. It can look like behavioral problems, like kids getting in trouble in school for talking out of turn, for not following directions, for being handsy and touching other people's stuff, right? Anxiety can look really different than, Mom, Dad, I'm worried.

Ann: This is SO true! At the height of our son’s acting out behavior, we weren’t sure if his fits of rage were just pure anger, more ADHD related, if it was all the weed he was smoking, or other drugs, a side effect of the antidepressants or ADHD medication, or possibly had something to do with the anxiety and depression he was experiencing. I don’t remember a single therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist ever telling us that his behavior could be due to anxiety.

That’s why I want you to know. I want you to understand that if your kid throws a tantrum at age 12 or 14 or 18 it very well may be anxiety. Even if it’s something else, they’re not doing it on purpose and they need your help not punishment.

Lauren Wolfe: one other sign of anxiety that I think is common is seeking reassurance. And this can be with anxiety. This is sometimes with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, which, has a lot of similarities to anxiety technically if you look in the diagnostic manual is now separate, but it's like Anxiety's nasty little cousin.

Yeah. Yeah, but really looking for reassurance like did I do this? Okay. Are you sure I did this right? Okay, you know which can also be perfectionism can be something that shows up when kids are having high anxiety, excuse me, sorry, um, so maybe they're doing their homework. I remember a kid that would, you know, it was still handwriting homework and then would erase it and erase it and would erase it and it was taking forever and there would be tears and there would be stomach aches.

So I mean, there are so many different symptoms of anxiety, but I think for parents, if they're noticing that it's affecting their kids. daily life, sleep, eating, attending activities, going to school, doing homework in any kind of way. You know, I know it's not always accessible, but if it is get counseling, it will help the, the younger you are and the sooner you get it before it turns into a, like, I will no longer go to school.

What we call a school refusal, the better, because once you get to that point where I get the phone call and. little Timmy has not been in school for two weeks. It's just that much harder for me to help get him back.

Children and teens often will have stomach aches, headaches. I've even seen other kinds of I don't want to say weird, but kind of weird, like not really a stomachache, but like leg pains, like other manifestations where they're having somatic complaints, right? Just feelings in their bodies that are uncomfortable or painful.

So for parents to realize this, I mean, your child's vomiting, they're not making that up. Poor baby, right? That's horrible how sick he must have been feeling or having diarrhea, not making that up or having a horrible headache, not making that up. But it's happening essentially, the understanding in this research is that pain is a danger signal.

And when your nervous system is on high alert all the time, your brain is trying to tell you that you are in danger. And so it starts kind of throwing out all these different signals to you, and they can be GI issues or headaches, et cetera. So when, you know, so I would say to parents, if you have a child that's like, throwing up all the time or having diarrhea, I would still go to my doctor and just make sure there's nothing else going on.

And I'm thinking there was a time when one of my children was having a lot of stomach issues and I took them to their pediatrician and I think I can't remember if we went to a gastroenterologist, we went to like one other doctor and then, um, Oh no, we went to a naturopath, right? We have those in Connecticut where it's like a little more looking for balance.

I'm sure they have them all over the place, but not in every state. Um, and then. Um, and it started looking like it was probably anxiety. He was transitioning to a new school. Once he went to the new school and it began, it vanished. And then there was another transition issue like a year or two after that.

And it was the same thing. And I was like, well, let's see what happens. And then same thing, the transition happened and the pain vanished. So looking for signals like that will tell you, you know, If you, I remember a kid, exactly what you're saying, and poor baby getting sick to their stomach before school didn't happen on the weekends, only happened in the mornings on the weekdays.

Didn't happen on Christmas break, only happened during school days. Like that's a good indicator that it's probably connected to anxiety.

Kids who are anxious, both kids and teens, are very often kids that when you're having that student conference with a teacher or professor, you're hearing about how amazing they are. And if only the whole class was made up of Caitlin's, I would be such a happy teacher. And yet Caitlin is getting in the car at the end of the day for pickup, being really rude to you, snappish.

You can't seem to do anything right. Everything is an argument. Kids who have anxiety often hold it together all day long in school. Oh my gosh. There is so much for kids in school that is so challenging. First of all, I think a lot of our curriculum is not always developmentally appropriate. So there is a natural spectrum of when kids will like learn to read for instance, and for many of our other academic skills.

And Um, in many of our schools, it's like they're on steroids with what is expected from our kids. They often don't have adequate movement breaks or food breaks, right? I had one of my kids at one point didn't have lunch till one o'clock and had no time for a snack. I had to get a note from a doctor that she was allowed to have a granola bar in the hallway, like ridiculous, right?

Because she was a kid that got low blood sugar. AKA hangry. No one wanted to be around her when she was hangry. Um, so we've got kids that have social pressure. They are trying to make and keep friendships and fit in and be cool and not embarrass themselves. And there's just so much that they have going on all day long.

When you have a child with anxiety, imagine that you've got a glass that's like three quarters of the way full at all times and a little bit of extra stress and it's going to overflow. So, when they get in the car or get into the house or see you for that first time at the end of their day, it's like they just can't hold it in anymore.

And you ask them a question or just as you say and research points to just the sound of her voice. Oh, that stabs my loving mother heart. It's just the sound of her voice. It's so awful. We'll make them upset, right? So, you sometimes just as a simple like hey love so good to see you and you're met with like Is it really good to see me?

Or you know, that is very often anxiety. It doesn't look like what you would imagine and the problem is then it can be met with us as a parent saying something like, you need to stop being so fresh to me. There's no reason for that. And now it's like ding, ding, ding, round one, we're off and we're fighting.

So I think if parents can just keep in mind that the irritability. The anger, right? For boys in particular, they can show anxiety with anger. Sometimes girls -  I don't want to generalize. Um, sometimes irritability, anger, agitation is actually anxiety. Yeah.

Ann: So, wait a minute; grumpiness, moodiness, hyperreactivity and emotionality are all symptoms of being a normal adolescent. So how are we supposed to know if our kid is just doing the normal teen thing or are actually experiencing an anxiety disorder?

Lauren Wolfe: It's a great question, Ann, because a lot of just normal teenage reactions are agitated and eye rolling and just kind of irritable. So some things that I'll notice with anxiety, like when parents get to the point of bringing their kids in to see me, And what I think parents can use as a barometer for, we should really get support.

Our children are having difficulty sleeping or having difficulty eating, not eating the same, not eating as frequently. They are sometimes avoiding particular activities like. I'm thinking of kids with social anxiety, right? So they get really anxious when they're in new surroundings or with people that they don't know.

So they don't want to go to dance class because they've moved up and they don't know anyone else in their dance class. And so they're like, they always love to dance. They've got dance posters all over their room, you know, It's something important to them. And they're suddenly absolutely refusing to go or they're getting stomach aches or headaches, like complaining about physical symptoms before or after dance class, or they're super irritable, like, especially right before this event,

Ann: Teens and tweens are not normally very adept at being aware of their own emotions – what exactly they’re feeling at the moment they’re feeling it. They might feel the physiological feelings that come with anxiety (butterflies in the stomach, a hot face, sweating) and might confuse it for excitement, illness…or they may know they feel “bad” but not know the exact emotion it is they’re feeling. So, what has Lauren seen in her practice?

Lauren Wolfe: Thank you. It's such a great question. So some kids will have an awareness that they have anxiety. I have kids come in and tell me like all sorts of diagnoses that they have. TikTok and they watch TikTok and then they'll come in and they'll say, I think I'm bipolar. I think I'm schizophrenic. And I'm like, Oh no, you are not. Are you watching TikTok videos, right? Um, so, you know, I know myself growing up, I had a lot of anxiety, all the anxiety disorders that I would have qualified for. And yet I never got help because it was like the 1980s. So yeah, suck it up, buttercup basically, right? And when I went to college and took a Psych 101 course, I was kind of like, oh, is anyone else having an aha moment over here? Right?

But nowadays, kids do have so many resources. What's wonderful, I'm sure they do this where you are in the South too, but here I'm in Newtown, Connecticut. We have a lot of social emotional programs as the kids are growing up.

So they talk about feelings and emotions. and anxiety and depression, you know? And of course, yes. So I live in Newtown, which we had a terrible tragedy 10 years ago. Um, not to get into that, but where there was a school shooting and some teachers and students died. So maybe we have a little extra in that realm here to support our children.

But I think in general, most schools nowadays. Do you have programs? Like we had one creepy guidance counselor, right? We avoided him like the plague. Like we didn't have teachers and therapists and counselors coming into our classrooms and talking about feelings.

So yeah, some, some kids come to me and say, I think I have anxiety. They get it. They understand what it means. Um, and yet some don't. Some just know that they get, feel sick to their stomach. They get headaches before certain events. They don't understand why their heart is racing, but most of them, I would say most of them do kind of get it.

Ann: So, what do teenagers have to be anxious about? Many people still believe they have nothing at all to be anxious about. It’s hard for some to imagine teens who have very little “real world” responsibility even have a right to be anxious. It seems almost silly according to some people. But Lauren sees it every day.

Lauren Wolfe: I would never want to go back to being a teenager, especially in today's world. Maybe back in the. You know, late eighties when I was a teenager for a hot second, but they have so much pressure on them. So much pressure. I think social media is a huge challenge.

I mean, I think about when I was growing up late eighties, early nineties and like my young adulthood and, um, the models, like the look that was popular was heroin chic, right? So people were, yeah, lovely. Let's emulate that. I don't know. Models were emaciated. They were like skeletal and we would look at magazines and then compare ourselves and feel horrible.

And there were a lot of eating disorders. Well, now we have filters. We have, um, influencers who are, you know, television stars, people that represent 2% of what most people look like. And yet our children, our teens are feeling pressure to look this way. Um, you know, it's, there's just pressure on them from every angle.

And you'll have to tell me, Ann, I know you've lived in at least a couple of different Southern states. Here in Fairfield County, Connecticut, there is a lot of pressure put on children to be athletic, to be really good. It's super unbalancing, in my opinion, to the point where kids are getting lots of injuries, where families won't go on vacation because it's like whatever season, you know, and so like the whole family is basically all into this one kid's sport and look, we've had our share of it in our family too, because you can't.

Your kid pays the price. If you say like, well, gee, grandma's turning a hundred years old and we need to be at that party. Like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's playoffs. Right? So there's this crazy pressure put on them for sports, this crazy academic pressure. I had a kid come to me one time and the mom dropped him off and left like, first of all, I always see the parents for the session.

So that was. I think maybe a miscommunication. I worked somewhere else and had an office. Now I have a private practice where maybe the admin didn't communicate that to the mom. Okay. So I'm working with the kid and talking to him, getting information. And he's telling me that he wants to go to, I can't remember, one of the Ivy league schools.

He's 12 at the time. And so, yes. And so every test. Quiz assign assignment, like including homework assignments. He feels this pressure of this could make or break my entire life, right? He also was a hockey player. He had had three concussions and he was on. Two different teams and meeting with a private coach, right?

And also going to a private school. And so when the mom came to pick him up, I ran over with them in order to get the mom in there and say, Oh, like so and so did such a great job and he's, Oh wow, I can see why he's under so much stress. Like really feeling this one particular university is the only choice for him.

Here's what I would suggest for as we work together. And mom said, Oh no, I don't think you understand. He, he was just coming this one session so you could give him tools on managing his stress. I was like, oh, say what? Like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. That was not, this wasn't communicated to you. I can't give him any magic breathing exercise.

Lauren Wolfe: And, and she kept telling me that this was all self imposed, but. When I really pleaded for why it would be helpful for me to work with him once a week to help him in counseling, she said there just wasn't enough time between school and hockey. And I never, I never saw him again. So that's an extreme example. However, this is not uncommon. There's a lot of competitiveness and achievement focus here to a point where I feel like it's, it's not healthy at times.

Ann: And that’s a whole other podcast episode – you can listen to episode 2 about the amount of pressure on kids these days the succeed and the ramifications.

Lauren Wolfe: I think that many of us as parents get caught in doing all the things, you know, many of us are working parents and we're trying to also.

Make meals and have nice houses and have vacations and keep up with everyone else and keep up with all the things. And life becomes super hectic. And so many, many children, in my opinion, are super overscheduled. So maybe you've got two children. Maybe you've got Jane and you've got Joe. And maybe Joe. He has a million activities and is living his best life, but Jane has a million activities and is completely stressed out and overwhelmed and keeps telling me in counseling, this happens so often where kids are like, I just want to have some time when I don't have something to do.

Right? Like I just want unscheduled time. I remember a activities on a piece of paper and man, they were a lot. Yeah. And. We included counseling, of course, he was seeing me once a week and I was like, wow, if you could get rid of one of these, what would it be? And he looked down and he looked at me and I was like, Oh, would it be counseling?

He was like, Yes, but most kids, most kids like to come. I do do my best to make it fun, so that's not always the case, right? Very often the problem is. Trying to get the parents to slow down. We can't, I can't as a therapist, just give you tools, like teach you cognitive behavioral therapy, right? Teach you how your thoughts are creating your feelings, which create your behaviors and your actions.

And you're good. If you're also having like... 12 to 16 hour days every day, your nervous system is all revved up. Now you're on high alert. You need to have downtime. You need to learn to be bored and just be able to regulate your nervous system and do calming, relaxing activities. Have a little hobby.

Pet your dog or cat or guinea pig or whatever. You can't be going nonstop and just expect that suddenly you're not anxious anymore.

Honestly, what makes me so sad is that it's the norm. It's the norm that your kids have a lot of activities. So I have so much compassion for parents because they are doing what they think is the right thing for their children when they've got a music lesson and two different sports and Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, 4 H, whatever, right?

It feels to them, I mean, and a lot of these parents are, you know, spending a lot of money and have very little free time and are spending their free time driving the kids around. So they are doing this out of love, but. Again, and again, this for some kids, they really do just fine for other kids. It's too much.

So I think it's knowing your kid and honoring that. And that can be hard, but I've seen parents really do. Make beautiful changes over the years where they get it and where they, yeah, so Joe's got eight activities and Jane now has one and they honor that. I think of a little boy, it was just in his family, like a rule that you always had to participate in one sport, but he was not athletic and he probably had like low muscle tone. He wasn't very coordinated. So it was like torture for everyone when he was in the sport. And it got to the point where he was in lacrosse and the mom said, it feels dangerous. He's with other kids now that have played for years and he's. at best protecting his face with the stick when he's paying attention, right?

Like, and that for her, it clicked that this is not working. He was an awesome kid. He liked to play Legos and go fishing. And he had like a nice backyard set up and he would tell me how he'd like to sit on a rock and just daydream. And I was like, yes, he needs that. That's what he's craving. He needs that.

Ann: Think about this for a minute. Are you insisting that your kid play or sport or be involved in a certain hobby because you think it’s the best way for them to succeed or be well-rounded? Or maybe you just hate the thought of them having any downtime because you think it will be filled with phone scrolling or gaming? Maybe you need to really take a look at that individual child and see what’s best for them. Where would they thrive?

 

Lauren Wolfe: I mean, sometimes, and look, I think it's more important for kids to be on teams or clubs or organizations as they're older, as they're teenagers, like you talk about, you know, they, then they can have positive identities and positive activities to do that, connect them to other people. But I do think honestly, like sometime on your phone for kids that are super overscheduled. Yeah. Have some time on your phone. Like, is it like my most favorite pastime? No, but it's. It's just kind of mindless downtime.

 

You know, I think as a parent, and it gets harder when we have teenagers, but we can still do it - we can create opportunities for our kids to have healthy downtime with like, you know, we've always had dogs in my family and it's a, Hey, let's take the dogs for a walk. My kids who are 17 and 20 will still very often join us on walks with the dog. So no one's looking at their phones. We're walking around the block.

 

Lauren Wolfe: We're visiting. Sometimes we'll pull out a game and sometimes they will participate. Not always. I don't want anyone to think I'm perfectly perfect over here in Connecticut, but I think we can create opportunities to have downtime with our kids and we can role model it. We can be sitting with the book. We can be, you know, whatever. Knitting or, uh, playing chess with one another. I will never be doing that. You know, we, we could be doing things that don't involve electronics and are like self-care or just kind of taking a break and model that for our children. I think sometimes the problem starts with us and I will be the first to admit I suck at downtime. I just. Thrive with being busy, busy, busy, you know, I'm, I have a podcast called Your Zen Friend. I think we teach what we need to learn. And so, it's something I'm constantly working at and I'm not always doing a great job, but I think our kids need permission to just chill.

 

Ann: One really common problem with kids and teens with anxiety is their refusal to do something that makes them anxious. I know with my son we had refusal to play sports, refusal to go to school at one point (which is a whole other topic). How do we deal with this as parents when it’s so difficult for us to see them in pain and forcing them to do something feels cruel?

Lauren Wolfe: Oh, such a good question. Here's what's really, really, really hard. As a parent, we want to protect and love our children. And so, you know, Sarah doesn't want to go to swimming anymore. And Sarah is like, I'm so, I can't, it's too hard. The coach is too mean. And Sarah's crying. And you know, It feels natural to say, yeah, her coach is kind of mean.

I get it. That's hard. The kids aren't nice. All right. I tell you what, Sarah, you don't have to do it anymore. The problem is when as parents, we just. Easily, easily let our children off the hook for not having to do the things that they're afraid to do. It's like we're saying to them, you're right, you can't handle that.

Like you're not saying that, but you might as well be saying that. And with anxiety, I like to think of it as a separate part of you. So with my kids that I work with, I have them draw a picture, they name it. I have this one little cutie pie and she named her as Sharky. I got a little shark puppet too. We have lots of fun with it.

So I say Sharky is just like Cookie Monster because most kids, you know, even teens know who Cookie Monster is and the teenagers will humor me and have fun with this too, right? You know, you're, or let me think of a teen. So I've got a teen that has a part named Sam since we're focused more on teens today.

So Sam, I'll say Sam's kind of like cookie monster. You remember cookie monster from when you were a little, right? Oh yeah. Every time you don't do that thing that Sam tells you not to do, it's like you throw him a cookie, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. And he gets bigger and he's more in charge. And so the, as a parent, when we're like, dude, like you're, I, driving seems really stressful for you.

I hear you. All your friends are getting their license, but it's, you're really freaked out by it. That's fine. I don't mind driving you. It's nice having that time together. Right? All right. You threw cookie monster that num, So cookie monster is now more in charge and he gets bigger and bigger. And before you know it.

That worried part of you is in charge and is making 90% of your decisions and ruling your life. And now it's even harder to make anxiety smaller because it's just all throughout your life where you're living it. You've got a kid that's scared to drive. I would be like, I get it. Let's talk about it. What are your fears? I would listen, I would validate, and then I'd be like, well, I love you and I believe you can do this and I know it's hard, but let's start out in a way that feels okay.

Where would feel best to start? Is it our driveway? Is it that big church parking lot no one's in on a Wednesday? You know, where is it? How can we do this in a way that feels like the first step that feels uncomfortable, right? Because anxiety wants you to always be comfortable and always have certainty.

So we're going to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable, but we're not going to start where you're at like a 25 out of 10 and I got to peel you off the top of the car roof. Right? So let's start in a way that feels manageable and comfortable. And that might be. How much time do you think you can handle and where can we start?

And then I would give them mad props for doing it, even if you saw your life flash before your eyes, even if they take down a mailbox, no matter what you're like, you did it. You did it. Maybe get their favorite dinner, make their favorite dinner, whatever, celebrate that they did the thing that was hard, even if they didn't do well.

The win comes for doing it. The win does not come for doing it without fear. I don't care if your kid cried the whole time. They did it. They did it. They did as much as they said and what they said they would do. So we celebrate that effort. And then to just help them understand, it's like, just like if you stand, like you walk down those little steps of a pool and you stand up to your belly button and it's freezing, you stand there for a while the water gets warmer, but it doesn't really get warmer. You get used to it. The more we do it and the more we, we start having positive experiences, the easier it gets. And sometimes you have a setback where you do take out a mailbox or whatever, and then we got to get right back and know it's not going to be as hard as it was the first time.

Ann: What should you do if you suspect your kid might have anxiety? How can you help them get through this?

Lauren Wolfe: So, you know, I think what. What is really hard on parents nowadays is that in some ways we're expected to be an expert in everything. So I will say if you think your child has anxiety and you have the means to get them to a therapist, get them to a therapist, right? I have some kids that come to me and they're here for a short period of time.

And they're doing, they're doing well. But then as things come up for them throughout life, little challenges, I'll pop them back in here and there. And it's just like a nice soft landing spot where they know they have resources and can meet with someone when they need it. So many therapists, I think, do work like that when they see kids.

So I do like that. That said, some just real easy, practical things you can do as a parent. Have structure, right? Start this when the kids are young so that when they're older, they are more likely to have good structure around eating and bedtimes and getting enough sleep because that's going to help tremendously.

Some kids that come see me, I will start asking them like, what time did you go to bed last night? Oh, like 2 30. I'm like, wait, what? Your school starts at seven. What time did you get up? Right? So just try to help them kind of meet their basic needs. That's going to help. That's going to help them to prevent anxiety or at least help them to be in a place where they're more receptive to decrease it.

If they're exhausted and strung out because they haven't slept, it's going to be that much harder. So try to help your kids as best you can to get a good night's sleep, to Um, eat on a, on a regular basis. I don't even care how healthy it is as long as we're eating on a regular basis. Yes, of course it's better if it's healthy, but that's another episode and not my specialty.

Um, so just doing that is huge, you know, have, um, try to have some family dinners where you're having connection where again, you've got structure. They can always know that, you know, maybe they've got. activities, but a few nights a week, you're coming together for a meal like get, get some structure anywhere that you can put that in for them.

The other thing that's helpful, and this just depends on your kid, because, you know, I am a therapist. I specialize in anxiety when my daughter's anxious. She does not always take my advice, right? I am mom. I don't know what I'm talking about. So it just depends on how receptive your kid is, but if they are receptive and they're willing to do something with you to decrease the anxiety, if you can think of things that calm the central nervous system.

So doing a breathing exercise, there are so many of them. I've got free meditations, guided meditations, and some are breathing meditations on my website. Or my podcast rather, which also is on my website, but also insight timer, totally free app. That's wonderful. Lots of guided meditations and breathing exercises on it, but just one that I love to teach kids because it's so stinking simple.

Have a longer exhale than an inhale. That's going to signal to your brain that you are safe. And we want to tell our amygdala. that we are safe. We want it to learn to chillax. We want it to work when there actually is danger and alert us, but we want it to not be on high alert all the time. If your amygdala is on high alert all the time, because you've got 27 activities and you're studying for the SATs and you have three AP classes and.

Two honor classes and your boyfriend just broke up with you and your dog is dying. You are not going to be receptive to any kind of talk therapy. You need to have experiences where you can actually feel calm and safe. And that's hard to do. I've had kids that get. Even more anxious sometimes when they first start practicing feeling calm and safe because it's so unfamiliar so you can do it a little bit at a time.

Just, you know, I will have kids and teens. I will ask them to practice their breathing at bedtime. Can you just put your hands on your belly? Feel your belly rise on the inhale. Feel your belly pull in towards your spine on the exhale. And can you make that exhale longer than the inhale? And just. do it for 20 counts.

That is great practice. If they can do it more through the day, even better, but they usually are receptive to doing it at bedtime, right? So that's a good starting point. And just those little touch points when we practice. Being in safe, calm space is going to help so that our glass that was three quarters of the way full just running around with stress and anxiety all day is now halfway full.

So now our boyfriend breaks up with us and we are still able to function and it doesn't completely devastate us.

Ann: I asked Lauren, from one person with an anxiety disorder to another – who happens to be a trained therapist – what the heck is going on when people like us, including adolescents, have this sudden rush or anxiety or panic seemingly out of nowhere. I’ve seen it happen to my son more times than I can count and I can be sitting at my computer, minding my own business, working on something and suddenly, BAM, my heart’s in my mouth and I feel like someone’s just told me I have to crawl naked, through fire, in a cave, to get on stage and speak in front of 7,000 people.

Lauren Wolfe: In my own experience with clients and then with myself having anxiety as well, I think that when we are trucking along with the glasses three quarters of the way full with our amygdala on high alert all the time, that's when we often start to have panic attacks.

You're just not someone who's like, Super chill and doing therapeutic work and meditating. And then all of a sudden you have panic attacks. Like it's more like I'm not feeling my feelings and I'm on high alert, but I don't even know I'm on high alert because I'm just so used to being up here and just thinking all the time and worrying all the time and catastrophizing, right?

Thinking of like this, Oh my gosh, this horrible thing's going to happen because you know, I have a cold. Maybe it's COVID. Maybe it's pneumonia. Maybe I'm going to die. Right. I think that's when we're having the panic attacks. Like our, our nervous system just can't take it anymore. And our cup is overflowing in such a big way.

Lauren Wolfe: Panic attacks aren't like I'm sitting here worried out of my mind and now I have a panic attack. I think that we are, we're trudging along with our nervous system off the rails and we're often pushing down our feelings, right?

So I think many of us, like in my generation, I'm 51, we were brought up in a way of like, Oh, you're having feelings. Aren't you cute? Okay. There are things to do, right? Move on. Stop being dramatic. Yep. You're, uh, you're being so sensitive, right? Yep. Loving, wonderful parents, but like this, this is just what our generation did.

So I feel like that panic attack is like, if you hear that. Metaphor of like first life whispers to you, then you get a poke, then you get a pinch, then you get a smack, then you get a slap upside the head. I think the panic attack is the slap upside the head. I think it's our subconscious trying to get our attention when we can see it as like a frenemy.

Like really like, I like to. to tell people your worried part is like a little kid that wants to help you bake cookies, right? It wants to help you so bad and it's so into it and it wants to do a good job and then you get the flour or that mix going and that little kid's got the spoon and it's not at the bottom of the bowl and they're just stirring it and everything's flying everywhere.

It's that same thing. So. Our worried part or our anxiety part will get our attention in horrible, uncomfortable ways, sometimes like panic attacks. But if I have a client in my office and they've just had a panic attack, one of the things that I do is say, let's imagine all the things that could be stressing you out or feel like pressure or are problems you're trying to solve.

Let's picture them in our brains like you've just been throwing your clothes on the floor all week in a big heap like most teenagers do, right? Yep. And, and we'll draw them all out on a piece of paper and then we look at them. There's always some really big stuff there that typically they're just pushing down and not dealing with, not feeling they're feeling. So that panic attack is saying like, it's too much.

Ann: Wow, doesn’t that make so much sense? If you’ve never had a panic attack and never seen your child go through one – you are lucky indeed. Anxiety is a beast of a mental health disorder to deal with no matter their age. But because of all the other issues going on in our teens’ lives, it can be especially debilitating. If your child is experiencing any of the issues Lauren mentioned, talk to their pediatrician (especially if there are physical symptoms) and try to find a therapist or counselor who can help them learn to tame that monster.

You can hear Lauren on her podcast Your Zen Friend where she explores personal growth, including tips and strategies to boost mental wellness and overall wellbeing, based on her experience of working with families for more than 20 years.

Be sure to check out her guided meditations she calls a “drop of Zen” released each Friday.

You can also reach out to Lauren through her website at Laurencounseling.com – you can find the links for both, in the episode description right where you’re listening and in the show notes.

You can also find the link to a couple of different parenting guides I created for episode 19 on anxiety and episode 27 on negative thinking – those guides are called Your Teen and Anxiety and Helping your teen overcome negative thinking.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. And thank you so much for being here today – I really appreciate it and if you got something out of this episode, please consider sharing it with a few parents or people who work with parents or teens.

You can join the Speaking of Teens Facebook Group The link is right there at the very bottom of the show description in your app.

Speaking of Teens is sponsored by neurogility.com, where I help parents build stronger relationships and decrease conflict with their teens.

Our producer and editor is Steve Coleman; researched, written, and hosted by me, Ann Coleman.