Ann Coleman: Emma’s standing at the counter checking out a book in the middle school library when she sneezes really loudly – 3 times in a row.

Jared, a 10^th grader walks into the lunchroom, hustles through the line and on his way to the table his bottled water teeters off his tray and hits the floor with a loud crack.

You and I wouldn’t really think twice about either of these incidences. But to an adolescent, who’s trying to figure out and establish their own identity, and desperately wants to fit in and be accepted by their peers, these seemingly insignificant happenings can send their brain into a tailspin of negative self-talk.

Adolescence is stressful – period. Major changes occurring the adolescent brain are to blame for much of it. Extreme emotionality, hyper focused on what they look like, what they sound like, how other people see them. They feel like the whole world is watching, silently judging, and that they’re the only kid on earth who feels this way. Every move they make is critical. Everything feels like a life-or-death situation.

Add romance, sexual exploration, social media, pop culture and academic pressures, on top – it’s a perfect mixture for lots of negative self-talk, self-doubt, even self-loathing.

I’m Ann Coleman and this week on Speaking of Teens, self-compassion, what it is and why teens and tweens can benefit so much by practicing it.

When Karen was a senior in high school, she had to choose a topic for her independent study project in English by the next day but still had no idea what she was going to write about.

Karen Bluth: I was driving down the road and at the, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this sign that said Transcendental meditation. Now, this was 1975, I think. And, I remembered that in my social studies class. We had talked about meditation. We had talked something about Zen.

And that had been interesting to me. So, I turned in, , where the signs at transcendental meditation and went inside and picked up some brochures and talked to them a little bit, and then came back that Saturday, they told me, come back with flowers and fruit

Which I thought, I was like, Ooh, what are they gonna do with that, you know? And, so that's what I did. I came back with flowers and fruit on that Saturday, a few days later, and I had my initiation and they gave me my mantra.

Ann Coleman: Karen wrote her paper on transcendental meditation and began what would turn out to be a lifelong journey. She practiced meditation weekly with different types of meditation groups, took meditation retreats and sometime in the 90s members of her meditation group began passing around a cassette tape of the British poet David Whyte, reading poems about self-compassion. Karen, by now, a mother of two young children began listening to this poetry while driving them around to get them to nap, and the work of Mary Oliver in particular, really resonated with her.

Karen Bluth: Her poem called Wild Geese, and it starts out with the sentence, you do not have to be good.

You do not have to crawl on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves, and that just really spoke.

Ann Coleman: You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

Karen Bluth: You know, because I think like so many of us in our lives and our culture and this culture, , we push ourselves and we beat ourselves up, and we're, you know, aspiring to be perfect.

Ann Coleman: At the University of North Carolina, Dr. Karen Bluth conducts research on self-compassion and how it influences adolescents’ emotional wellbeing. Dr. Bluth has practiced mindfulness for over 40. She's a certified instructor of mindful self-compassion and co-creator of the curriculum, mindful self-compassion for teens.

Dr. Bluth, it's great to have you here. I'd love for you to take your time first and just explain to us what self-compassion is.

Karen Bluth: Thank you so much for having me here. It's my pleasure to be here. There are a couple different ways that I can explain self-compassion. The easiest way really is what I call the informal definition of self-compassion, which is when you're struggling, treating yourself with the same kindness and the same support as you, as you treat your good friends when they're having a hard time.

So, in general, . Most of us, 80% of us are much kinder to our good friends when they're struggling than we are to ourselves. We tend to be particularly hard on ourselves. We tend to beat ourselves up, tell ourselves we could have done better. We can even say nasty words to ourselves, and we're much kinder to others than we are to ourselves.

So self-compassion is learning how to give yourself the same kindness, the same support, the same tenderness that we give our loved ones. The more formal definition of self-compassion is defined by three different components. And this is Kristen Neff's, definition, and she is the pioneer of everything having to do with self-compassion. And the three different components are mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. So, mindfulness in this context is having a balanced perspective. So, when something difficult happens to you and you're struggling, recognizing that this doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

And this is something that we all tend to do, right? When something hard happens, we say to ourselves, oh, this is, you know, , this is gonna last forever. This is, you know, this was so dumb, this was so stupid , you know, how am I ever gonna get out of this? We don't seem to recognize that this too will pass.

Although we know that intellectually in our hearts, we don't live that. The opposite of mindfulness or the other extreme. The other side of the coin is over-identification and over-identification is spinning out, you know, over exaggerating, catastrophizing, which is really what we tend to do. The second component is common humanity.

And common humanity is the understanding that these difficult emotions that we're experiencing are part of being human, whether it's anger or hurt or loneliness, grief, depression, sadness, what have you, this is part of being human and we all experience these emotions from time to time. Again, this sounds obvious, because of course intellectually we know this, but when we're actually in the situation where we're struggling, we tend to forget. And we tend to look around and think, oh, everybody's doing, you know, so much better than me. All these people don't have the same kind of struggles that I have. Look down the hall, you know, my colleague down the hall, they're not having a hard time, you know? So, we tend to isolate ourselves. We tend to feel very alone.

We tend to feel very lonely, and we forget. This is also fed by the media and our culture that says that we're supposed to be happy all the time. And if we're not happy all the time, we must be doing something wrong. There must or there must be something wrong with us. Right? Of course, that's not true that ups and downs are part of life. We know that but we tend to forget that. That experiencing these difficult emotions are just part of being human.

And then the last component of self-compassion is self-kindness. Self-kindness is taking an active step just say something to yourself or to do something for yourself that's supportive. And this could be something really simple like going for a walk, making yourself a cup of tea, taking a nap. That's what we call behavioral self-compassion. Or it can be as simple as just saying some kind words to yourself, some kind of words you might say to a good friend. We teach what we call soothing touch or comforting gestures, which is just, you know, maybe putting a hand on your heart or stroking your cheek, cradling your face in your hands, whatever's comforting to you.

And these are things that you can do on the spot when you're in distress. The opposite extreme, where the other side of self of self-kindness is self-criticism or self-judgment, and that's where we all tend to go. We tend to be extremely critical of ourselves and hard on ourselves and say things, nasty things to ourselves that we would never, ever say to anybody else.

right. So, yeah, those are the three components of more the formal definition of self-compassion.

Ann Coleman: I heard you on another podcast, I believe it was, talking about oxytocin and how like self- touch or being kind to ourselves can actually release oxytocin in the brain. Can you tell us a little bit about that and what, what oxytocin actually is? What it does in the brain and body and how that works when you're being kind to yourself.

Karen Bluth: Yeah. So we know from a couple of research studies that when you, engage in something like comforting gesture, supportive touch, putting your hand on your heart or crossing your arms, giving yourself a hug, that there is a release of oxytocin, which is the feel good hormone. So it is a kind of hormone that’s released when a mother is nursing her child and the mother feels relaxed, feels good. The, you know, the baby is relaxed. The baby often goes to sleep. Right? And so, it's sometimes called the feelgood hormone or the snuggle hormone.

It's released when we do things that come very naturally to us, like, you know, we think nothing of giving our friend a hug of our friends having a hard time or, or we even do it with our pets. You know, we'll pick up our pet and stroke our, you know, if we're feeling badly, we might, you know, pick up our cat and stroke the cat or stroke our dog. It feels good for the animal, feels good for us.

So these are things that we naturally do through our lives that from time to time, release oxytocin and, yeah, makes us feel good.

Ann Coleman: Tell me about the common humanity piece and how that fits in with adolescence and what it is that speaks to them about this common humanity and how that helps them.

Karen Bluth: Yeah, so adolescents feel very alone a lot of the time. I'm just this, making this very general statement, but it's true. When we do exercises in our self-compassion programs where they can recognize the common humanity, where they recognize that other teens are experiencing the same kinds of difficult emotions that they are, it's incredibly eye-opening for them. I mean, you can practically see their eyes widen.

You know, we do this practice where we put down a rope and we have everybody on one side of the rope, and we tell them, okay, cross, cross the rope. Cross the line if you have ever been bullied. Right? And then everybody goes over to the other side of the line, then cross the line. If you have ever struggled with your parents, you know, or cross the line, if you have ever experienced loneliness or ever felt alone, or if you've ever been rejected from a group or if you've ever compared your body image to that of a friend’s and they're just astonished - really astonished for the most part to see that, wow, other people experience this. I'm not the only one. You know, and it seems kind of obvious to us as adults, it's like, of course we know this about adolescents, right? But they don't. And I remember being an adolescent, and I remember thinking, I'm the only one that feels insecure. Everybody else - look at them, they're, you know, they're so secure. I can see that they are, you know? You know it's, it's not true. I mean, they, they don't realize that what they're experiencing other teens experience as well.

Ann Coleman: Right. It, you know, I can remember feeling that way all the way through my late twenties. I remember feeling that way in law school and thinking everybody else knows what they're doing and everybody else has got their, you know, Stuff together. And I don't, I'm the only one.

But you know, teenagers, I think that's where they are in their head. They're thinking that they're on stage, that everybody's looking at them, that everybody's talking about them, everybody's judging them. They're constantly embarrassed about everything. And so getting to the core of this and learning that, oh my gosh, everybody else is in the same boat I am even the popular pretty girl. And you know, everybody feels that way. Is that the, is that what they end up realizing then?

Karen Bluth:  Yeah, yeah, they do and it comes through in these different kinds of practices that we do. I've been asked to do, to teach teens one-on-one, and I won't do it for that reason because I think they get so much out of the common humanity piece.

Ann Coleman: Right. And, and being in there with everyone else saying, yes, I feel the same. Yeah, so true. So in the mindfulness, I know you said mindfulness in this co context is a little different than what we think of as mindfulness, maybe just overall. So I was reading something where you said this about having a balanced perspective. So can you explain that a little bit more like mindfulness in the moment and having a balanced perspective. What does that mean exactly in this context?

Karen Bluth: Yeah. So mindfulness outside of the self-compassion context is just being aware of what's coming up in the moment, being aware of your emotions. What emotions are arising in you from moment to moment? Being aware of thoughts that are coming from moment to moment, noticing physical sensations that you're experiencing, noticing what's going on around you, so it's not being in your head, but noticing what's coming up.

In the context of the definition of self-compassion, it is that, but it's also having this balanced perspective because you're aware of what's going on from moment to moment, you have a balanced perspective and you understand that what's happening in this moment is not necessarily what's gonna’ happen 10 minutes from now or tomorrow or next year.

Okay? So it's, it's understanding that this is what's here right now and it's not taking it 20 steps further down the road saying this means because I'm experiencing loneliness now, that means I'm gonna always experience loneliness and I'm never gonna have any friends, and I'm gonna end up alone for the rest of my life and I'm never gonna have a partner and just so that's not the balanced perspective.

Ann Coleman: Right. Spinning out and taking it way to the future and, okay. I gotcha.

So there's a lot of talk now on the internet all over the place and on Instagram about self-care. So do people get this, this terminology confused with self-compassion and or what are the common misconceptions that you see or hear about when people hear the term Self-compassion?

Karen Bluth: Yeah. Well, it's different from self-care. In that self-care, which is also good by the way, doing active things for yourself, like eating well, exercising, going for walks, et cetera, right? Self-compassion that can be part of self-compassion. But self-compassion is also in the moment when you're experiencing struggle, doing something for yourself, recognizing it, recognizing what you're, and then taking an active step to do something like saying some kind words to yourself, some of the misconceptions that people have about self-compassion.

I'm glad you're asking me this because this is something that we always address because people do have misconceptions, is that self-compassion is soft, or that you're not gonna be motivated. Or that it's selfish or self-pitying or self-indulgent. And what we know from the research is that those are misconceptions.

They're not true. So for example, one of the most common misconceptions is that people who are self-compassion, lack motivation. Research studies show the opposite, that people who are self-compassionate are actually more motivated to take on or try new things - to embrace new experiences, to work hard at something to address their transgressions. Because they know that if they fail at this new thing that they're gonna take on, they're not gonna beat themselves up. You know, that they'll look at it and they'll have a balanced perspective and they'll say, well, you know, maybe that wasn't my best effort perhaps. Maybe I need to try harder or maybe I need to try a different way, or maybe I need to try something different.

But it doesn't mean that I'm a failure, right? It means that this particular thing didn't go well for me this time. So there isn't as much fear of failure.

Ann Coleman: And what a great thing for adolescents because I think that's where most of them are. At least it's where I was in my head. I'd never tried out for sports teams, never did anything for that very reason.

I was afraid of failing and I didn't wanna look stupid. I didn't wanna make a mistake. So that's such a, it seems like such an important piece of this for adolescents to learn.

Karen Bluth: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And , yeah, and we know that from actually one study that we did with adolescents, it was one of the studies that came out of our team - teens were more self-compassionate, would more readily take on new experiences and embrace things that may be difficult for them and try them out.

Ann Coleman: Positive risks instead of the negative risks.

Karen Bluth: Positive risks, yes. Yeah, positive risks.

Ann Coleman: So ,tell me a little bit more about your research then. Let's, let's go down that road. Tell us about your research, what you guys have found regarding adolescents and self-compassion.

Karen Bluth: Well, I can generalize my research with, , the other research on teens and self-compassion, and there's been a lot coming out and what we know pretty unequivocally from a lot of studies at this point is that people, teens who are more self-compassionate, have less anxiety, depression, and stress across the board. We also know that self-compassion is protective and buffers against some of the challenges that teens face in today's world.

Cyber bullying is one of them. , we know for example, that teens who are more self-compassionate are less likely to self-injure when they're depressed. We know that teens, as they get older, , particularly teen girls, tend to become more depressed. But that self-compassion is a protective factor against that.

So, it's a protective factor against a lot of. The challenges and difficulties. That teen's face.

Ann Coleman: Right. And I, I think I read, , I think you had two different studies where one you guys had taken middle schoolers and high schoolers. I think the middle schoolers were from a private school. The high schoolers were from a public school, and then two.

And then the next study you did, you took them all from the public school to make sure those findings were correct. Tell me about that, about what you found about particularly the middle school and high school girls and the depression rates and that kind of thing.

Karen Bluth: Yeah, that was really interesting.

What we found was that there was a difference between depression rates of girls, and self-compassion rates of girls between middle school and high school. And depression rates are something that we've known for a long time that girls tend to become more depressed as they proceed through adolescence.

There's a lot of theories on that. But what was interesting was that their self-compassion also was lower in high school than in middle school. And this wasn't true for the boys. So, the boys' rates pretty much stayed the same, but that girl's self-compassion levels decreased from middle school to high.

Ann Coleman: Do you have any theories on why that might be?

Karen Bluth: Well, you know, it does mirror the evidence that we see with depression. You know, I don't specifically have, I mean, there's a lot of theories out there. Some of it is hormonal, hormonal based. Some of it is social based - the idea that girls feel like they're not as acceptable if they show how smart they are or if they engaged more with academics.

You know, it's hard. I'm struggling with this because I can't believe this is, you know, 2023 . We're still talking about this. But that's not so much the focus of my study. Although I'm fascinated with it. Yeah. I'm so interested in why - why this is happening and why it's still happening.

And I do have a colleague at UNC who's working in this line of research. You know, , is, her work is just so interesting to me. Right?

Ann Coleman: Well, I did an episode not too long ago about girls and dating and rape culture and that kind of thing. And , I think I may have read just a little bit somewhere, maybe in one of your studies that mentioned, but, you know, girls realizing that what they're up against in the world and what they're up against in the, you know, in a man's world and the misogyny that they face and the you know, harassment, sexual harassment, because that obviously does increase in high school, and we've seen the numbers on that. So it seems that teaching self-compassion, especially to young girls and getting that in them at a young age so that it can maybe carry them through high school and when they’re learning all these things. I mean, it seems like such a great thing. And the other day I had someone reach out to me, actually it was just yesterday, DMed me about her daughter that had attempted suicide. And I think I read that self-compassion is possibly a very good buffer for suicidality.

Is that right?

Karen Bluth: So we're starting to see this. Yeah, so in our most recent study that we published was with transgender and gender diverse teens. And, and we didn't measure suicidality precisely, directly. We measured two factors that are associated with suicidal ideation, and those factors are perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness.

So perceived burdensomeness is feeling like you're a burden to others, , your friends and family. Thwarted, belongingness is, , feeling like you're making attempts to belong and be accepted and not making it and feeling rejected. When those two are present, usually you see suicidal ideation. So, what we found in this study where we taught these teens, our self-compassion program over eight different sessions.

We've found that the, both of these decreased significantly from before the, the before the first session began two, three months after. And the current study that we have going on, we are measuring suicidal ideation directly along with these other two factors, and this is also with gender diverse and transgender kids.

And so we don't have the results of that yet. The study's ongoing, but hopefully we'll have more results in the next six months or a year or so.

Ann Coleman: Right. You know, I started out studying all this stuff two, three years ago. I started out looking at emotion regulation, emotional awareness, emotional intelligence.

And as I studied and studied more, I learned that, well, mindfulness is really kind of the key to emotional awareness, which is the key to emotional regulation, which is the key to emotional intelligence. But after learning more about self-compassion, now I'm kind of seeing that that even goes further back and maybe. It seems to me that it's kind of the baseline the root of everything.

That if these adolescents learn self-compassion, then they, they will become more aware of their emotions, they will become more emotionally regulated. And I mean, am I on the right path there?

Karen Bluth: Yeah, and I, I mean, mindfulness is, you know, I don't wanna put mindfulness aside because for lots of reasons. One of which is that mindfulness is the foundation of self-compassion because you have to be aware of what you are feeling and what you're experiencing in order to give yourself compassion. Right? Right. So and mindfulness is very grounding and very regulating. But self-compassion, is really key in that it's, you're not beating yourself up. You're not letting yourself off the hook for not being perfect. You know, you're not letting yourself off the hook completely. You know, you have to fess up when you've made mistakes or when you've, you know, hurt someone, of course, but it teaches you that you know, it's okay not to be perfect. And not only that, but you can't be perfect. You're human. You will never be perfect. And so don't expect yourself to be.

Ann Coleman: Yeah. And you know, All these kids now who are striving for, you know, taking all AP classes and taking, you know, doing, doing all the stuff they can to pad their college resume.

They're under so much pressure and they are trying to be perfect and, you know, some of it may be parents, but a lot of it I think they bring on themselves because of the competitive environment and because I think of what they hear at school and what they hear from counselors and that kind of thing.

So self-compassion, it seems like something that is almost necessary for kids to learn early and then carry it on through into their adult life. Right?

Karen Bluth: Yeah. There's so much pressure on kids today from so many different places, and it's just, it's heartbreaking. It's really heartbreaking. I get emails all the time, you know, from parents who's, you know, like the one person who DMd you yesterday all the time.

And it's heartbreaking, you know? And teens and pre-teens and young kids don't have the tools, don't have the coping tools yet to deal with these kinds of pressures, the way we develop through life you know, and we do hopefully as we grow and as we become older, yeah, and there's so much pressure from so many different places, school being one of them, you know, I remember when my daughter was taking, registering for AP classes. Both her dad and I were saying, you do not need to take so many classes, right? You don't have to do that. Just pick one or two, you know? But, of course, her attitude was like, you know, you don't get it you, you don't understand, you don't get it. And, you know, she took many, many AP classes.

I don't remember how many. But then of course when she got to college, she said, you know, you were right. I didn't need all those AP classes.

Ann Coleman: I wanna talk to you a little bit about the course, the mindful self-compassion for teens, the program, because I think, I found this months and months ago, a couple years ago actually, and it's always been in the back of my mind and I've recommended it several times and I've mentioned it in other podcasts.

But I just think it’s so important, and I know you guys have trained people all over the world to teach it in person as well, but please take us through a little bit about the program and what you teach and how you teach it and how it's available for people.

Karen Bluth: Yeah. So the class is eight sessions long and each class is an hour and a half. It is taught, you know, pre pandemic, it was only taught in person since the pandemic, everything has changed. We're now teaching it online. We've trained over 200 teachers internationally at this point. The classes are focused on developing tools and skills to be kind to yourself.

So what this means, are there some specific tools like I was talking about? Comforting gestures, putting your hand on your heart. That's one, that's one that, , teens tend to really like. Or, another comforting gesture. Another one is listening mindfully to music. Soothing music. That's another one that really resonates with teens, and we teach them about the adolescent brain and how the adolescent brain is changing and why they feel, and that explains why they can feel very emotional during adolescence and why they can go from zero to a hundred in their emotional level very quickly. And, yeah, which is a mindful movement. And there's art in every class. , some mindful art and, , yeah. So it's, available.  There are different ways. The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion is the organization that, , trains teachers in the program and also, so you can find out who is teaching what classes through them.

Ann Coleman: And, it's also available online, is that right?

Karen Bluth: Well, teachers teach it online.

Ann Coleman: So are they offered just at different times of the year or people just have to log on to the website and see when something's coming up and what they can take? Right.

Karen Bluth: Okay. Right. Teachers, you know, all over the world teach it at different times, , according to what works for them. And we, although the class says we teach ages 11 to 18, we never have that age range in one class. You know, a teacher might be teaching 11 to 14 year olds and then somebody else teaching 15 to 18 year olds.

Ann Coleman: Okay. Well, I'll be sure to have all of the links in the show notes because I, I want you guys to look into this. I just feel like it's so, so important and, I think surely you could find a course online to take or to let your child take.  And that's the other thing I wanted to ask you about. I know, most of the kids that probably take this are nudged by their parents to take it and sign up for it.

How, how do you see the change in their attitude after they, you know, come in the first day and then they figure out, well, maybe this isn't so bad.

Karen Bluth: Yeah. It's so funny, so many kids have said to me at the end of the class, you know, they pull me aside and they say, you know, this wasn't my idea. This was really my parents' idea, and I didn't think I was gonna like it, but it's really good.

I really like it , it's awesome. So, you know, yeah. So many kids have said that to me and it's really wonderful seeing the difference that it makes for kids.

Ann Coleman: Can you think of a, a particular child or a particular circumstance where it made a big difference or where you could really see something happening?

Karen Bluth: Well, there's one that stands out to me and, , this is a 15-year-old boy who was taking it for, I think this was his second time. I know he took it twice. I don't remember whether he said this in the first class or the second class, but we were all just sitting around and I think the reason I remembered it was because it was quiet for a moment.

And then he said, you know, “I don't care if people don't like me because I like me.” And all of us and all of us kind of look at each other like, oh wow, that's so cool.

Ann Coleman: That is wonderful. You know, I, I think some kids must be born with that. My stepdaughter was born with that. She wore glasses when she was tiny - from the time she was tiny.

And I can remember asking her, you know, does anybody make fun of you or do you ever, you know, feel funny about it or anything and she's like, oh no, it's just me. They just like me for me. And I thought, God, how wonderful to just have that, you know, because I was exactly the opposite. Everything about me, I was worried that somebody thought, you know, something negatively. Kids get that just after eight classes or so? I mean, they really kind of internalize that. And I think you've done, follow up studies, weeks and weeks afterwards. Right. And seeing that it sticks.

Karen Bluth: Yeah. So we have done, through a three month follow up, , yeah. And. And I would guess, I mean, we still need to do a lot more follow up studies. I don't wanna make it sound like, you know, we've done all these follow up studies and you know, that it works five years down the road. But, my guess is that that the more people the more the teens practice and the more they do use these tools that we're offering, that we teach them, the more that they'll remember.

Right. You know, yeah. So that would be my, I mean, we don't know that from research, but right, generally across research, across mindfulness research and a lot of different kinds of research involving different practices. We know that you have to continue to practice.

Ann Coleman: Right.

Well, and, and the mindfulness piece just specifically. I don't have a mindfulness practice per se, but me learning what mindfulness was and that you actually could be in the present moment without thinking about other stuff was kind of mind boggling. I think some of us are so emotionally unaware that just learning a little bit about this stuff actually brings awareness and that's something I don't think that dissipates over time.

I mean, once you understand something and know it, it's, you know, it's within you. So it seems to me that learning these things, it, it is something that will, you know, carry them through at least a little bit. I think that you, you learn to kind of dig back when you have to and pull these things out. But just being aware of these things to me makes a huge difference.

Karen Bluth: Yeah, that reminds me of something another student said to me at one point, which actually contradicts what I said before, but I'm gonna share it anyway. He said (this is when we were first starting out and I was first starting out trying out different self-compassion practices - this was very beginning when we were first developing the program and I think it maybe was a six week course) and he said at the end of the six week class, “You know, I really haven't practiced much at home. In fact, I really haven't practiced at all but, something about the way that I see my life has changed.”

Yeah. So that, you know, that's goes along with what you were saying . And then he went on to elaborate that something had shifted for him - a perspective shift that made him see that, you know, he doesn't have to be so hard on himself. And, it's like, you know, we teach, we raise our kids with this message, (and I don't, I don't mean like us individually as parents, but our culture) that you have to push yourself, and the way you push yourself is by beating yourself up, you know? And so to challenge that idea and say, you know what,  no, not necessarily, right?

Ann Coleman: And, and that perspective, once you have that perspective, you don't, you don't just lose it. I just think that once you've seen certain things, you can't unsee it.

So once you have that per perspective, right. I don't think you really lose it. I mean, for me at least, just learning that I could tell what was going on in the moment and be in the moment and not think about what happened in the past and not worry about what's gonna happen in the future. Just knowing that that's possible you know, shifted something in my brain.

Is there anything that a, a parent could do to promote self-compassion with their teen? Do you think a teen would be open to a parent talking to them about this? Or is there any way a parent could explain this to their teen maybe before they take a course that could help in any way?

Karen Bluth: You know, I think it all depends on the parent and the teen and what their relationship is like from what I have seen, there is a huge variance in, and I'm sure you know this, I'm sure every parent knows this, the kind of relationship parents have with their teens, I think there's a huge variance, but I think what a parent can do is to learn self-compassion for themselves.

So first of all, they can support their child when the child is learning self-compassion, but also learn it for themselves, because having been down that road of having kids who are teens, my kids are now in their, oh my gosh, I was gonna say late twenties (one of them is 30) 28 and 30 happened so fast.

Yeah. But having been down that road, it's not easy, you know. It's not easy being the parent of teens. And you need that self-compassion for yourself, right? I mean, it's rough, it's hard, you know? And at least it was for me. It was very hard. And so when you are actively doing self-compassion practices, you are much less likely to act out, meaning get emotional, emotive, you know, have your emotions all over the place.

You are much steadier and really that's what teens need. One psychologist once said to me, teens want their parents to be like, furniture. They want them to be stable. They want them to be there, but they don't want them to interact with them in any way.

Ann Coleman: Right. I love that. Like furniture. Perfect.

Karen Bluth: Like furniture. Yeah. But they don't want them to change. Right. You know? But they want you to be steady. Right. And grounded, you know, and it's much easier to be steady and grounded if your own resources are met, you know, if you're exhausted and you are stressed out, it's gonna be a lot harder for you to be steady than if your resources are filled and you're grounded and you're ready to engage.

Ann Coleman: Exactly.

Now. So, and there are courses for adults obviously. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay, and again, I'll have all those links and also I need to mention your book and your workbook, because this is also something that parents could actually do, is they can just purchase the book and kind of maybe casually leave it on the coffee table for the kid to walk by and think, “Maybe I'll try that” because, you know, if you hand it to them, maybe it's not gonna happen. So, tell us about your books please.

Karen Bluth: Yes. So, I have three books. One is the Self-Compassion Workbook for teens. There's another, which is the Self-Compassionate Teen, and that's not a workbook. It's, you know, for a different kind of teen who just likes to read. And then there's one for teens with ADHD, which I did with a wonderful colleague who’s an ADHD expert. Oh wow. , so there are those three books. And then the Audible is, I believe, free Audible is offering it for free for anybody who has an Audible account and it's for parents, teachers, and coaches who work with teen Girls.

Ann Coleman: Karen Bluth has spent her life in the pursuit of mindfulness. We’ve been talking today about her research on adolescent self-compassion at UNC, her contribution to the mindful self-compassion for teens program, and her books for adolescents and the significant adults in their lives.

Ann Coleman: Dr. Bluth, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about self-compassion and how vital it is, , to our adolescents mental health and wellbeing. We will have all the information where you can find, , Dr. Bluth research, where you can find her books, the Mindful Self-Compassion Program for teens and all the other courses. First of all, I will tell you that you can go to Karen Bluth (b l u t h).com, but again, we'll have all the links in the show notes at neurogility.com/35. And I appreciate you being here today. Thank you so much.

Karen Bluth: Well, it's been my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

Ann Coleman: I don’t think there’s any doubt that self-compassion is something that we want to cultivate in our teens and tweens, particularly in our girls and in LGBTQIA+ kids. Teens are more stressed than they’ve ever been and studies have shown that kids that practice self-compassion are less stressed, have fewer depressive symptoms, are less anxious, are more resilient, have more gratitude, and are more motivated to take positive risks. That all sounds pretty good to me.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate other moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

Go to neurogility.com/herewego to find all our free parenting guides and e-books to help you learn more about your teen and how to parent them in a way that increases their emotional well-being and keeps them safe.

You can go to neurogility.com /35 for this episode’s show notes and transcript.

Thank you SO much for listening – I hope you’ll consider sharing it with someone who needs to hear it.

You can reach out to me at acoleman@neurogility.com or DM me @neurogility on Instagram

I’ll be back on Tuesday with a new episode – have a great week!