What is it that makes one person more likable than another? What makes them better able to succeed in their career or have tons of friends…a good relationship with his family? Is it intelligence maybe? Their IQ?

Research says it’s certainly not IQ – and I think we knew that anyway. There’re plenty of unsuccessful geniuses and lots of people with average IQs who’ve been wildly successful.

Actually, it’s been suggested that IQ accounts for a mere 20% of a person’s success in life and that the remaining 80% can be attributed to other factors.

So, what are those other factors? Good looks? Yep, there’s actually been scientific research to back that up. But that’s not the most determinative factor, obviously (I mean just look at Bill Gates, for God’s sake.) So, what? Coming from a wealthy family, being persistent, having grit? Yep, all those elements play a role as well.

Social scientists have pondered this question for decades. What measure accurately predicts a stable, happy, productive, and successful life? Over the past several decades, more and more researchers in the areas of sociology, psychology and education have begun pointing to a set of skills that involves being self-aware and understanding others as most determinative of overall life success.

In this episode, I’m going to talk to you about a couple of these skills, which have been dubbed emotional intelligence skills, the significance of emotional intelligence during adolescence and beyond, and how you can help your teen learn these crucial lifelong competencies.

So, hang with me for the next few minutes

You’re listening to Speaking of Teens, a weekly show to help you better understand and parent your teen or tween.

I’m Ann Coleman, and after surviving a couple of difficult years with my teenage son, I decided to make the leap from practicing law into the science of parenting teens and tweens. I want to make sure you have the skills I was sorely lacking.

We all know people we’d rather not be around and those we really enjoy being around.  Think for just a minute what it is about these people that either draws you to them or repels you. I’ll guarantee you those you enjoy hanging out with have higher levels of emotional intelligence and those you don’t. That’s because emotional intelligence includes elements like being aware of your own emotions in the moment and being able to express those emotions and being able to identify other people’s emotions and use that information to better relate to them. It also includes being able to manage or regulate your emotions, rather than letting your emotions overwhelm you. People higher in emotional intelligence are also better able to use emotion to motivate themselves to do things, to feel empathy for other people and have better social skills.

There’s just no way around it, emotional intelligence is indispensable to overall personal success, and unlike IQ, emotional intelligence is teachable and learnable.

Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and science reporter for the New York Times, wrote the bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More Than IQ. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. I’ll link to it and other relevant parenting books in the show notes.

Tons of research over the past few decades, has shown that people with a higher level of emotional intelligence (or EQ as some call it) have better relationships with friends and family, are more pleasant to be around, are more empathetic and better in social situations, achieve higher levels of psychological well-being, have less depression, more self-esteem, have more success at work.

Specifically, research tells us a lot about adolescents and emotional intelligence. As you’d expect, studies have indicated that adolescents with higher levels of EQ do better overall that those with lower levels of EQ. For example, research shows that adolescents with lower levels of EQ are more likely to use hard drugs, they’re likely to have more sexual partners, and have a harder time with avoiding risky behavior in general. It’s also been shown that adolescents with lower levels of emotional intelligence are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, dissociation, posttraumatic stress, and related somatic symptoms. They’re more likely to have anger issues, be more confrontational, have problems with friends, commit petty crimes and be involved in the juvenile justice system. So, the research leaves little doubt that children, adolescents, and adults fare much better in all areas of life if they have a higher level of emotional intelligence.

The problem is that most parents don’t know how to help their kids or adolescents develop emotional intelligence. I certainly didn’t just a handful of years ago and my son’s lower level of EQ (and my own) ended up causing most of the issues I rattled off.

And although schools could do so much more to incorporate emotional education into their curriculum and overall culture – most are more worried about test scores than the mental and emotional health of their students.

The problem is our kids desperately need to develop these emotional skills – especially emotional awareness and emotional regulation skills (that is, being aware of their emotions in the moment and being able to regulate them) – at a minimum, they need these skills to stay out of trouble and to maintain their mental health.

If you haven’t listened to episodes 3 and 4 about the adolescent brain, you should give them a listen to have a deeper understanding of what I’m going to briefly discuss now. I’ll link to those episodes and an e-book and guide on the subject in the show notes.

From around age 10 or 12 until the mid-20s, the brain goes through a major growth spurt – very similar to the first 3 years of life (so adolescents are really kind of like giant toddlers…that makes total sense, right?).

While this is happening, the part of the brain responsible for emotions like fear or nervousness and anger are in overdrive...as is the part of the brain which causes risky behavior.

And, on the flip side, the part of the brain responsible for rational thought, for self-control, problem-solving, focus, and making good decisions…is still being programmed and is not very good at its job.

And although kids vary wildly in emotional abilities depending on genetics, environment, parenting, temperament, and other factors, generally they’re extremely moody, quick to anger, can become nervous about the strangest things, and very often engage in risky behavior, especially when around other kids.

So, an adolescent with high emotional intelligence is really difficult to find – an aberration really. And learning emotional intelligence skills – because they can be taught - specifically learning emotional awareness and regulation, can make all the difference for an adolescent. But with the majority of schools not teaching these skills, what can parents do to help their kids. Actually, plenty.

Since your adolescent is more emotional because of their changing brain, your main role in helping them learn emotional intelligence skills, is to coach them through their emotional moments. This coaching job involves 3 overarching factors: their emotions, your emotions, and your overall parenting style. And there’s a short list of specific things you can do when they’re having a problem regulating their emotions - we’ll go over those shortly.

First, let’s talk about becoming more aware of your teen’s emotions. It will help you tremendously to have a good grasp of how their changing brain works – so please do go back and at least listen to episodes 3 and 4 and even download those other resources that are linked in the show notes – it’s so important. Understanding how your teen’s brain works, why they act the way they do, when they do, will help you become more aware of their emotions and the basis for them.

Your awareness of how their changing brain impacts their thoughts, emotions and behavior will allow you to be more empathetic, to see that they’re not acting emotional or moody to spite or to attack you – that they’re actually doing the best they can with what they have at the moment. It will allow you manage your expectations of them and to be more intentional in your responses to their emotions.

You can stop thinking, “she’s just being dramatic”, “he’s doing this on purpose to manipulate me”, “I know she can control this behavior”, “he shouldn’t be so sensitive”, “she shouldn’t react this way”, because you’ll understand they can’t help how their brain is messing with them. That they’re extremely vulnerable to their emotions.

Even though there are a lot of generalities about their behavior, obviously each teen is different, with their own set of specific vulnerabilities or emotional triggers, it’s dependent on their temperament, personality, environment, the particular circumstances, and yes, your emotional intelligence. So, one of your kids may be more likely to explode when they’re told they can’t go somewhere, while the other may get really nervous when asked to go somewhere with friends.

And the point is to be as familiar as possible with those vulnerabilities. Develop your awareness by noting when they get angry, frustrated, annoyed, nervous, what is it they’re reacting to? When the emotion involves you, what’s the situation? Much of this is intuitive and you probably already know it - the look on their face, the cadence in their voice, a specific thing they say or do.

This awareness is critical to your ability to coach them and communicate with them in a more productive manner. Research shows that the more aware a parent is of their adolescent’s emotions, the less likely the adolescent is to have higher levels of anxiety and depression. That’s because the more aware you are of what they’re feeling, the more likely you are to step in and help them process those emotions, which means your child is less likely to ruminate over them – to stew in that emotion (which is what leads to anxiety and depression). So, become more aware of your teen’s emotions, what triggers those emotions, what role you play.

Next, let’s talk about your emotions and the role your own emotional intelligence plays in your child’s. Obviously, if you’re going to be able to help your kid be more aware of and manage their emotions, you’re going to have to be aware of and be able to manage your own emotions. Since you’re the one with the fully operational brain, you’re going to have to use your ability to use self-control and make good decisions to help them do the same since they’re the one without the fully operational brain.

So, when their emotions take over, your role is to help them calm down, recognize the emotion they’re feeling so they can eventually recognize and manage the emotion themselves. But you can’t help them calm down if you’re off the rails, yourself. Allowing yourself to react automatically to their emotion, to lecture, yell, punish, is only going to intensify the situation and end up in a power struggle or argument.

The best way to help your teen become more emotionally intelligent is to be more emotionally aware and more emotionally regulated both in your interactions with them and all other times when they can observe you. As their mom, the emotion that will usually get the better of us and derails our parenting is fear. Fear that they’re somehow going to screw up, that they’re grades won’t be good enough, that they won’t live up to their protentional, that they’re going to ruin their life by doing this or that, that they’re going to settle in and live in the basement forever.

In episode 1, I talked about how this fear totally steers us off course and can cause us to react without thinking and end up trying to exert way too much control over our kids, which just ends up backfiring and causing more issues. I’ll link to the episode in the show notes.

I love how Dan Siegal and Tina Payne Bryson explain this in their book, No Drama Discipline – also linked in the show notes. They call these fears - those swimming around in the back of our mind - our “shark music” (like the music from Jaws) – da dum, da dum, da dum. It’s our nagging inner voice, which is generally based on our own previous personal experiences or previous experiences with this particular kid or one of our other kids.

For example, my deceased brother was a life-long drug addict, which started in middle school with weed. And, when I first learned my 15-year-old son was smoking weed, I completely freaked out, panicked, and dropped the gauntlet. I didn’t make the connection at that time, but in hindsight, I now know this was all about my brother. I had decided long ago no kid of mine was every going to become a drug addict, and in the back of my mind, that shark music was playing and seeing him with weed, smelling it on him, just thinking about it drove me to become and anxiety-ridden control freak!

So, our fears and worries in the back of our mind (our shark music) result in our inability to remain calm and rational. Instead, we set ridiculous rules, we punish, get angry, nag, yell, argue, shame, anything we can to make sure what we’re afraid is going to happen to them - doesn’t. We want to make sure they turn out okay. We may respond this way to something they’ve done, or not done, said or even just hinted at.

Maybe your son’s become a real smart-Alec lately, and because you dated a real smart ass in college, who ended up being hated by everyone, your shark music sets in every time you hear one of his comments. You may be unaware why, but you react with extreme anger at his little jabs, you make a big deal of it, even punish him for it, which just causes a power struggle and likely amplifies the issue.

Or maybe your daughter’s started staying up way too late and having a real problem getting up on time and getting to school every day. Maybe your older kid did the same at that age and ended up having a problem getting to their early classes in college and ending up flunking out first semester.

So, that shark music is pounding in your brain (she’s going to do the same thing, she’s not going to flunk out of college…I’ve got to fix this). You make a big deal of it, you argue about bedtime, you start implementing new rules, power struggles ensue.

Our shark music, our own emotional triggers, can throw our best intentions - our better judgement, out the window. We panic, we react irrationally, without thinking things through, we go overboard,  become too controlling, all of which can have the total opposite effect on our child – they end up rebelling, they get better at hiding things, and we end up in an endless cycle of arguing and punishing. So, becoming more aware of and getting our own emotions under control is vital to parenting intentionally and in helping our kids become more emotionally intelligent.

To help get a grip on your shark music, start journaling your emotions. Studies show this helps us become more emotionally intelligent. Writing down emotional encounters with your kids, your spouse, what you were feeling, what you said, what were the circumstances…You’ll begin to see patterns in your own emotional world which in itself will improve your emotional regulation. Just do it – I promise you’ll see results!

And one of the very best avenues to emotional intelligence is the practice of mindfulness – it’s magical – and it’s so simple. Mindfulness is simply about learning how to be fully present in the moment – without the worries about the past or the future (our shark music). If you can get your teen involved, all the better. There are tons of websites and apps you can tap into – I’ll list my recommendations in the show notes.

So, the bottom line is that you have to get a grip on your own emotions if you want to help your teen become more emotionally intelligent.

Okay, earlier I also mentioned that your parenting style can impact your child’s emotional intelligence. Without getting into the minutia here, let me just say that researchers have been studying parenting styles for years, looking at things like the level of control parents exert over their kids (for example being totally permissive or extremely controlling).

They’ve also looked at other elements like the level of the parent’s response to the child’s emotions (for example being totally dismissive of their emotions or helping them process their emotions). And both of these elements – the level of control and the level of emotional responsiveness, have a huge bearing on your child’s emotional intelligence.

Let’s talk about the level of control in your parenting style, first. Whether you overexert control due to your shark music – your fears - or just because it’s the parenting style you’ve settled into, being too controlling of your teenager in no way helps them build emotional intelligence. It also has a detrimental affect on their overall mental health and your relationship with them. Researchers call this most controlling parenting style, authoritarian. It’s the “spare the rod, spoil the child” philosophy of parenting – demanding obedience above all else. And if that doesn’t happen, there’s retribution or punishment so they “learn their lesson”

The sole focus here is to make sure the child (or teenager) does as the parent says. Period. No questions, no negotiation, no consideration of their need for autonomy or respect or for their opinions. It’s a true dictatorship.

Studies have shown over and over again that this authoritarian style of parenting usually results in either rebellion or the kid just behaving out of pure fear of punishment. It breaks down the parent-child relationship and is always detrimental to a child’s emotional and mental health.

Without going into all the parenting styles based on level of control,  I’ll just say that studies clearly show that the most balanced and the best for the child, is the authoritative style (I know, it sounds a lot like authoritarian, but it’s much different).

Kids parented in the authoritative style tend to have higher self-esteem, better emotional health, do better academically, socially, have better relationships with their parents and friends and are more overall more resilient.  All things we want for our kids, right?

Authoritative parents use a more balanced style of maintaining strong boundaries and being firm but in a kinder and gentler way. And they’re respectful in the way they talk to their kids. They consider their autonomy as they enter adolescence. They work with their kids and take their opinions into account. It’s not my way or the highway. It’s more of a team effort.

These parents use discipline rather than punishment. They’re not too rigid, they know when to be flexible and negotiate and work with their kids rather than against them. They teach and guide rather than use retribution to “teach them a lesson”.

They take the time to connect with their child, maintaining a warm, healthy loving relationship, they listen more, which creates open communication and lowers the potential for rebellion and risky behaviors. In other words, it helps build emotional intelligence.

But using an authoritative style (this balanced level of control) isn’t the whole picture when it comes to making sure you’re teaching your child emotional intelligence skills. The other dimension researchers have studied is a parent’s responsiveness to the child’s emotions and the most balanced style and the one that has the best outcome for a kid’s emotional intelligence is referred to as “emotion coaching”.

A parent who emotion coaches sees opportunity for connection and parenting when their child is experiencing a negative or unpleasant emotion rather than trying to make it stop or distracting them or punishing them for the emotion itself. An emotion coaching parent is aware of and can regulate their own emotions. And they listen to their kid when they’re experiencing an unpleasant emotion, they acknowledge that emotion, empathize with them, and let them know their emotion is valid – that they have a right to feel how they feel. They comfort them when they need it, help them label the emotion while they’re experiencing it, offer guidance and help them learn problem-solving skills. They do all this while also limiting any bad behavior associated with the emotion – but not the emotion itself. They understand that no emotion is off limits or “bad” – that limits are for the behavior associated with the emotion (like throwing things, hitting a sibling)

Studies reveal that emotion coached children perform better academically, are more emotionally intelligent and in better physical health. This means these kids are better able to regulate their emotions, which leads to more control over impulses and enhanced focus. And it’s never too late to start emotion coaching. Emotion coaching helps teens speed up development in the part of the brain in charge of executive functions like self-control and making better decisions. That’s huge.

Research over the past few decades has shown that emotion coaching can help kids with depression, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder, autistic spectrum disorder and even those who’ve been exposed to violent environments and complex trauma. In other words, emotion coaching helps kids achieve emotional intelligence and prepare for whatever life throws at them.

If you combine authoritative parenting and emotion coaching, you very closely mirror many of the current popular parenting techniques. Positive discipline, attachment parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting, connected parenting, all overlap and incorporate the authoritative and emotion coaching styles.

The bottom line is, these are all parenting methods that are balanced between control and autonomy, firmness, and kindness…they’re respectful and empathetic regarding kid’s feelings, focus on the relationship between the parent and child, on connection, love, and security. And if you can incorporate as much as possible into your parenting, you’ll help your kids develop emotional intelligence.

But you don’t have to be perfect. You can’t possibly emulate any parenting method to the T every minute of every day. We’re all human. We’re going to lose our patience, we’re going to get in a hurry and just tell our kid to “just do it!”, maybe argue or tell them they shouldn’t be angry over something so silly. Cut yourself some slack. You’re not going to ruin your kid if you’re loving them and doing your level best and focusing on the positive elements of these various parenting styles.

It doesn’t take perfection to raise our kids to be emotionally competent, happy, productive, and successful by their own definition.

So, how do we teach them these emotional skills? The best opportunity for helping your teen learn emotional awareness and regulation is when they’re experiencing an unpleasant emotion, when they’re having a bit of a meltdown, they’re angry, frustrated, nervous, whatever it is.

But first, you may need to change the way you think about these emotional moments with your teenager. If you dread these outbursts or tirades (like I did), you’re going to need to flip the script and start seeing them as an opportunity to deepen your emotional connection with them and to help them become more emotionally intelligent. Don’t try to avoid their unpleasant emotions, distract them, or jump in to make everything all better. Unpleasant emotions are unavoidable for all of us, so they need to learn to understand and accept them and deal with them better. That’s where we come in as their coach.

And, if their negative emotions are often in direct response to you - something you’ve done or said, you can learn to change your approach so you’re not making matters worse. For example, if your immediate and automatic response to something they’ve done wrong is to scold, lecture, issue consequences, then you need to adopt a new mantra: connection before correction.

Forget the “lesson” you want to teach or the scolding you’d like to do in this moment. This is not the time. Make an emotional connection with them first.

Let’s say it again: connection before correction.

One way to make that connection – in your mind at least – is to step into their shoes, realize they don’t think the way you think. This is where knowing about their changing brain helps. Put yourself in their position, under the same circumstances, at their age.

Let’s say it’s an hour past curfew, they’re not answering texts and calls and you’ve gotten more worried and angrier with every minute, so you’re sitting there ready to pounce when they walk in the door. But from their perspective, their phone’s dead so they just realized the time, and the game went into overtime anyway so no big deal because they’re at school with friends, safe. Staying calm, and not immediately jumping on them about how late they are, will allow for a calmer conversation. Otherwise, it’s just going to be an argument or worse.

If the situation is different (maybe they’re already upset and yelling at you about something) it can be really hard to be empathetic and make an emotional connection.

It’s much easier to jump in there with them and lecture, yell and punish. But that’s not going to help your child or make for a calmer home.

So, remind yourself that your initial reaction to a rule broken or their emotional chaos is going to steer this whole encounter. That means putting off correction of any kind until we’ve made some sort of connection, which I’m getting to, I promise.

Gentle Touch

If it’s appropriate in the moment, one thing you can do is give them a gentle touch on the arm or back or even a hug. It’s been scientifically shown that a caring touch from a loved one can flood the brain with oxytocin and helps release other positive hormones like dopamine and serotonin. In other words, it will help them calm down (if they’re open to it). I’m not telling you that running up and touching your son’s arm is going to stop him from slamming the door, yelling, or throwing his controller to the ground. But, combined with the other things we’re about to discuss, giving them a hug, or touching their hand can go a long way to deescalate the moment and provide that connection.

Listen

Another thing you can do to help your them calm down (or keep from getting into an argument) is to really listen to what they’re saying to you. Like I said, hold your correction and instead of trying to get your own point across, simply listen with your full attention and keep an open mind. Ask questions to get to the bottom of what they’re feeling, and then when you figure it out, confirm it with them and let them know you get it.

Listening, asking questions to understand better and then letting them know you understand, will bring calm to the situation. This is so important, because once they know you get it, they don’t have to keep trying to convince you. In other words, they can calm down. This is you helping them learn to regulate their emotions.

Invalidation versus validation

Now, something many of us do, without realizing it, that intensifies their emotions is we invalidate their feelings. You might say something like “Cheer up, it’ll be OK”,  “It’s not that big a deal, you’ll be fine”, “Don’t worry about it”, “Get over it”, “Calm down.”

Imagine how horrible it is to feel like something IS a big deal when a parent is telling you it isn’t.

Another way we invalidate their feelings is to give unsolicited advice, try to solve the problem for them, or even take the other person’s side. Maybe it’s because their emotions make you uncomfortable, anxious, or even angry. Maybe you see them as manipulative. You think if you show empathy, you’re “giving in” to the behavior, “spoiling” them, “letting them win”, or “reinforcing” the behavior.

But scientific research says that kids whose emotions are continually invalidated will not develop the emotional intelligence they need to deal with life appropriately. They have trouble understanding their own emotions, they don’t know what to do with them, how to regulate them, they have issues relationships.

So, rather than invalidating their feelings, learn to acknowledge that their emotions are real and they have a right to feel the way they feel, even if you disagree (you’re NOT them and they can’t help how they feel at the moment).

And the thing is, teens are much less aware of their emotions. They may know they feel “really bad” but not realize they’re jealous or disappointed or frustrated). They generally don’t even have the emotional vocabulary to describe how they feel. This is why they need your help to understand what they’re feeling . So, part of this validation process is to help them find the right words to describe how they feel, to help them develop their emotional vocabulary.

Some experts, like Dan Siegel call this “name it to tame it” (you have to put a name to the emotion to understand what to do with it). This helps them develop their emotional awareness and the science tells us that greater emotional awareness means better emotional regulation. It gives them direction – helps them know what to do with that emotion.

It might sound a little like this, “I can see you’re really frustrated with Riley for doing that. I get it, I would be too.” Or “I know you really want that t-shirt. I can see how disappointed you are that you can’t get it right now. It’s really hard to want something right this minute but know you have to wait.”

So, validation is more than simply saying “I understand” or “I get it”, you really need to respond in a way that shows them you hear them, you see what’s going on, and you sincerely do understand.

But you may not be able to help them with an emotion word immediately because you may not know what they’re feeling yet. So you let them talk while you listen and acknowledge you’re listening by responding with just a word here and there: ”wow” or “hmm”.

The point is to let them know that no emotions are “off limits” or “bad” and to help them explore why they feel the way they do, or why they did what they did - to explore the consequences of a choice they made. You can ask questions that may help lead them there.

But here’s another pointer: don’t come right out and ask them “why are you so angry?”, “what happened?”, or “what were you thinking?”, “why did you do that? Those, my friend, are fighting words! They sound accusatory and judgmental. Just keep exploring, help them with their emotion words, get them to a point of calm. And remember you can correct any behavior issues later. Often your teenager will figure out what they’re feeling while you sit with them and help them explore.

No one’s saying any of this is easy or quick, but in the long run, it’s so much better for your teen than arguing, fussing, or brushing their feeling aside. It will pay off.

So, let’s recap. Emotional intelligence is vital for living a mentally healthy, happy and successful life…and because of how the adolescent brain grows, they are extremely low on emotional intelligence - especially in the 2 areas they most need it: emotional awareness and emotional regulation.

Understanding how your teen’s brain makes them more emotional and more likely to be involved in risky behavior, will help you empathize more and to remember to connect before correcting.

Of course, being more emotionally intelligent yourself is key to helping your child. It’s just like putting on that oxygen mask first. You have to remain calm to help them be calm. Give them a loving, gentle touch. Listen fully, ask questions, provide emotion words, validate their feelings, let them know you get it.

I can tell you from experience, no matter how old your kids are, connecting with them before correcting their behavior, using a more authoritative approach, using a bit of emotion coaching - it can make all the difference in the world in your relationship and in their behavior.

My son was 18 before I knew anything about emotional intelligence or how to communicate this way. And then it took me a while to get the hang of it - but I finally did, and our relationship began to improve. His emotional outbursts subsided. Our home was finally calm. It changed his trajectory in life.

I promise it’s not too late to change your approach – to help your teen with their emotional intelligence. Be sure to check out the show notes at neurogility.com/6 for those other episodes and all sorts of downloads to help you help your teenager and tame the chaos.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate other moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

You can go to neurogility.com/6 for this episode’s show notes.

Thank you SO much for listening to the ENTIRE Episode - I really appreciate it!

If you found it interesting, helpful, or inspiring in some way, please share it with a friend and come back for future episodes. New shows drop every Tuesday morning.

And if you have an idea for a future show or suggestions for how to improve the podcast, please reach out to me through the website or my email’s in the episode  description where you’re listening. I’d love to hear from you. And you can follow me @neurogility on Instagram and Facebook!