Did you happen to make a New Years’ Resolution? I did not. I learned a few decades ago that declaring on the eve of a new year to make a huge change in my life is just not for me. And I don’t think I’m in the minority.

And the science backs me up. Trying to make a big change all at once can sound exciting and promising but it’s usually not sustainable – for many reasons.

And actually, if you’re a regular listener here you may have noticed that I’ve finally settled in to a regular sign off for the show– “A little change goes a long way.” It took me forever to decide on it – and it was actually my husband’s idea because it’s a very true statement. Making small changes in yourself and in the way you interact with and parent your teenager will lead to big change for you and your family overall.

So, today I want to talk to you about some of those little changes you can make (and you can make these New Years’ Resolutions if you want to, because they’re not over burdensome).

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

Now, I’m not going to talk about these in order of importance because they’re all important but this first one is going to be more important for you if  you have a hard time controlling your emotions in response to something your teen has done or not done.

Create a mantra or a motto for whatever you want to call it, that you can repeat to yourself 10 times before responding to your kid. I’m talking about something here that will remind you that they are not an adult, they do not have an adult brain, they are doing the best they can with what they have, that they would do better if they could do better. Remember, their brain is going through almost the exact same process it was going through when they were in the terrible twos! They’re much more like toddlers than adults at this stage. The emotional center of their brain is hypersensitive and makes them moody, agitated, irritable, angry, nervous, at the drop of a hat – over absolutely nothing that you find reasonable. And their reward system (the part of the brain that motivates and reinforces them seeking our fun and exciting and pleasurable activities) is in hyperdrive, especially around other kids their age. On top of that, the part of their brain that regulates these emotions, helps with self-control and making god decisions, is really, really weak, and just doesn’t help them much.

You need a mantra to remind you to be empathetic. To remind you they’re not doing this on purpose, that no, they can’t behave better if they want to, this isn’t a voluntary behavior they’re exhibiting. You need to remind yourself to stay calm, to think, to approach them with care, to listen, not interrupt, not correct them in this moment. And in case this is all new to you, don’t worry, I’ll list the episodes that will help you catch up in the show notes linked in the episode description where you’re listening now

So, your mantra could be something like “They’re doing the best they can with the brain they have” or “They’re just a big toddler having a tantrum” or “I cannot lose it right now” or “If they could do better, they would do better”

Once you come up with something, stick with it and anytime you find yourself wanting to immediately jump in and yell or scold or shut them down in any way, repeat that mantra at least 10 times – even more – until you’ve calmed down enough to emotion coach or ask them what happened, or whatever the situation calls for. If you’re still not calm, you’ll need to excuse yourself and wait until you are.

Limit your reminders and reminder-type questions to 1 a day. What?! I know, I know. But here’s the thing, they’re not listening to you. That’s why you’re saying it over and over and over again. When something isn’t working you look for a new way. When you remind them over and over to do their homework or ask them how much homework they have or whether they’ve taken out the garbage or done whatever it is that you know they need to do…they tune you out. Even worse, their brain interprets all these reminders and questions very negatively. They feel you’re nagging them, scolding them, criticizing them, fussing at them – really. So, every time you do this, you are laying another brick in that wall between you.

I know, I can hear you shouting at me – Well, what am I supposed to do?! They’ll never remember to get anything done! Well, how is this going for you right now? The reminders and the questions? Is it causing arguments? Does it make them more emotional, irritable? Let’s break it down into schoolwork and everything else. To answer the question about schoolwork, listen to episode 93. Short answer, you’re going to have to back off and let them learn to keep up with things themselves. For things they need to do around the house, go to the parenting guides link in the show notes and download Communication for Cooperation for lots of tips.

Increase your positive interactions with them to at least 5 a day. Here’s why. As I said, any reminders or questions from you are perceived as negative interactions. For you to maintain a positive relationship with your teen, the positives have to outnumber the negatives overall. There’s a scientific theory that says it takes 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction to keep a relationship healthy. (I assure you it’s 5 not 3) and in my opinion because adolescents interpret so many things as negative, it’s likely going to take more than 5 positives for every negative to keep your relationship in balance. So, I’m saying limit the reminders to 1 and increase positive interactions to 5…at a minimum – really, it should probably be more because it’s not just the reminders and the questions your teen interprets as negative. It might be the way you looked at them, the way you said their name, the way you asked them what they wanted for a snack! And no, that’s NOT your fault but it’s a FACT. You can’t change it and neither can they. So, we deal with facts and science not in fantasy. I’ll link to other episodes about connection so you can get an idea of what I’m talking about here. Let me put it this way, it could be time to brush up on your rap lyrics, your makeup techniques or your dance moves.

This may also be a biggie for you – it certainly was for me – Stop invalidating their feelings. And of course, the alternative is that you will start validating their feelings. But “small change” wise, I at least want you to stop invalidating. When you’re teen’s pissed off about something or frustrated, annoyed, down, disappointed, nervous or afraid, you have to stop telling them “it’s going to be fine” or “please don’t worry” or “calm down.” or “you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.”

And it’s reflexive for some of us to jump in an give them advice like “I’d just tell them to get over themselves” or “just ignore them next time” or blame them like, “Well, if you had done blah blah blah this wouldn’t have happened” or take the other person’s side, “I’m sure they didn’t mean anything by it” – All of this is invalidating and a big no.

One of the hardest things, I think, for us to do as a parent is to see our kids upset. And when they’re acting totally unhinged about something it can bring out all sorts of uncomfortable emotions in us. But you know what, we all have to learn to manage our own uncomfortable emotions. And when this happens with your teen it’s an opportunity to help them learn how to do that for themselves.

We all have a right to feel just how we feel – as a matter of fact, we can’t help how we feel. And when anyone is upset, all they want to begin with is to feel heard and understood. Your teen may ask for help or advice later or they may not.

So, when they’re ranting, listen to them. Don’t offer any advice, don’t try to fix things, or try to make them calm down. They will begin to calm down when they see that you are listening and when you validate their feelings by saying something like, “I understand how furious you are that he said that. It’s maddening when people do XYZ”

You can listen to episodes 6, 78 and 95 for more.

 

And, related to what we just discussed, I want you to stop taking their attitude, their moodiness, their emotional outbursts, personally. Yes, I know how difficult it is to see that smug-looking face, to hear that abrasive, “disrespectful” tone, to listen to the snarkiness and the curse words and the smart-ass comments and the ungrateful remarks…shall I go on? I know it feels like abuse sometimes. I know it infuriates you, hurts your feelings, makes you want to run away from home. It can be horrible.

However, if you stop them mid-rant or say something to them while they are still in the mood they are in (which obviously is not a pleasant one), you are only going to make things worse in that moment – you will set off a bigger rant or an argument between you. They are likely not rational in that moment and there is no reasoning with an irrational mind.

What I’m saying is ignore it…for now…and maybe forever. If you feel you just have to address it (if it was really hurtful or super horrible) then do it later when everyone is calm and do it in a kind way (yes, I know, they weren’t kind but you’re the adult here, remember? You want to always model the kind of behavior you expect of them.) “You know earlier, I realize you were angry and we talked it through but it really did hurt my feelings when you said XYZ” Don’t demand an apology – don’t tell them how horrible it was – simply state the fact. They’ll likely apologize. If they don’t – they don’t. But they do feel sorry and that’s what’s important.

Because I know what you’re thinking, “I can’t let them talk to me that way, I certainly can’t ignore it. If they don’t respect me, how are they going to treat other people.” Well, I can tell you that they are most likely treating other people very well. Because other people aren’t you. Other people don’t piss them off the same way you piss them off. They really don’t. Plus, they feel secure in your love and commitment to them and know you’re not going to kick them to the curb or punch them in the face (like someone else might.) So, you can take that issue off the list. They are venting with you because you’re you – that’s it. Ask other parents how they are at their house or ask their teachers how they are with them. Most of time this is not a universal problem.

Here’s another small change that might be a bit of a challenge for you: Stop looking at Google Classroom (or whatever your school uses) every single day or multiple times a day. It isn’t helpful and it’s only making you anxious or angry. For this issue I’m going to refer you to episode 93 with Dr. Adam Price, author of He’s Not Lazy. In that episode we talk about motivation (or lack thereof) for doing homework and how you’ve got to stay out of it on a daily basis and at least move to a more monthly model. In short, work out an agreement with them for where they need to keep their grades, back up and stop looking until the end of the period you agreed to and see what happened. Re-group accordingly. It takes the pressure off you and puts it back where it belongs – the student. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to have to get a dorm room beside theirs and be their college secretary. No body wants that.

Now, their bedroom. Oh my gosh – what do we do about that bedroom. I know it drives you crazy. It drove me crazy too until I pretty much gave up the fight. I believe we agreed to garbage in the garbage can and out the door once a week and no putting anything liquid in there and rinse off the dog hair covered silverware under his bed in his bathtub before bringing it back to the kitchen – and that was about it. I either closed the door or turned my head when I walked by.

If you don’t realize it yet, your kid needs all the autonomy they can get. They need to be able to make decisions and do the things they want unless it’s dangerous, unhealthy, unethical, illegal, or likely to close some door better left open (lose some important opportunity.) And unless their bedroom has become a roach motel or some other health hazard, it’s really their domain. They don’t have any other space in the house they can really make all their own. Let them have their room. Eventually, they do learn to keep their house neat – you did. This room thing is more about your hangup to be in control or to have a perfect house than it is about teaching them the skill of keeping a clean room – just admit it. It certainly was for me. I had decorated his room really cool – the way he wanted it – complete with midcentury lighting and furniture and I wanted it to be presentable all the time. But neatness is not worth the fight – it simply is not. Let it go. Now, if you can’t back off all the way – come to an agreement like we did – negotiate. If the clothes aren’t in the hamper, they don’t get washed, no open containers of food, whatever – have one day a week they take care of everything so they don’t feel it hanging over their head every day. And try not to stress over it – it’s one room.

Some of the most emotion-filled encounters we have with our teen is when they’ve done something wrong, made a mistake of some sort (or we assume they have). Often, we know about the “thing” before we see them, so we have all this time to fret and agonize and work ourselves into a frenzy – and then what happens as soon as we see them? We let loose – we go nuts on their ass. You know you’ve done it – I certainly have…many times. And you know what happens next – either it’s all out war or they totally shut down. Either way, you’ve just laid another brick in the wall between you.

Rather than all that, you first need to learn more about your own emotions and how to reign them in – I’ll link to some episodes in the show notes. So, if you can remain calm, rather than lecturing or issuing consequences on the spot or telling them how disappointed you are in them, there are two simple words you can utter in a calm voice that can change everything, “What happened?”

Not “What the hell happened you’re 45 minutes late for curfew and I was worried sick and your dad’s been driving the streets, we thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere, hand me that phone!”

Just a simple, “what happened?” and then you wait and you listen and you don’t say anything except to ask clarifying questions if necessary.

Never assume you know what happened. Never assume they’re lying to you. Give them the same opportunity you would a friend or a co-worker (I was going to say your spouse but…yeah)

There could be a really good reason they did whatever they did or didn’t do whatever it was they were supposed to do. But you’ll never know that if you’re angry and start scolding lecturing or issuing consequences before asking the question and listening.

Do kids sometimes lie about such things? Yes they do but listen to episode 39 to find out why they lie and how you can turn that around.

Asking “what happened?” shows them you’re going to be fair and reasonable about this. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt, which lets them know that they can come to you about things they need to, without worrying they’ll be punished. You want them to trust you. You want them to feel safe in being able to come to you if someone is too drunk to drive or someone is thinking about hurting themselves or if they’re thinking about having sex for the first time. Whatever it is, you don’t build trust by jumping on them when they may have done something wrong.

 

Alright, these last two little changes are for you – and they will go a long way.

Spend a minimum of 1 minute (60 seconds) at the beginning of your day in total silence, breathing in an out, concentrating on your breath. I just published episode 96 to explain a little bit about mindfulness and Lauren Wolfe of Your Zen Friend furnished the Drop of Zen meditation for you. Have a listen and start doing this for yourself – start with 60 seconds – you can do anything for 60 seconds and trust me, this will become a big change over time.

The second little thing is to start journaling. Now don’t freak out if you hate this – take one minute at the end of your day, you can write down something you’re grateful for, something that made you smile, something that surprised or delighted you, something that made you angry or sad. The point is to get to know yourself better over time. Starting with one minute a day. I’ve often talked about journaling your emotions and how it helps you become more emotionally aware and more regulated. But you can start small.

And speaking of starting small, that’s what this is all about because it’s been scientifically shown that if you want to make changes in your life, starting small is the best way to do it.

One of my favorite podcasts is Hidden Brain with Shanker Vedantam. He interviews scientific researchers and professors about why humans are they way they are. And his most recent episode was called What Would Socrates Do, and his guest was professor Tamar Gendler from Yale.

The whole episode was fascinating but boiled down to how we build habits. But I learned a lot about the Greek philosophers as well. Socrates big thing was that we have to really get to know ourselves, ask ourselves why we think the things we think and do the things we do. He supposedly said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

His student Plato said, well, that’s great Socrates but you know we have more than one self – as a matter of fact it’s more like there’s 3 of us – our rational selves is like a chariot driver (remember this is 2500 years ago in ancient Greece) and so our rational selves we drive the chariot, but the chariot is pulled by these two horses. One is Spirit and Spirit is all about living up to social expectations and being liked and not wanting to miss out on anything.

And the other horse is Appetite – it’s in charge of our animalistic needs – sex and food.

So, we have these 2 strong horses wanting us to join in and be liked and have fun and seek pleasure and we have the driver of reason saying whoa now.

I think it’s fascinating that Plato, over 2,000 years ago had pretty much nailed the neuroscience of the adolescent brain – everyone’s brain really - it’s just our brain’s driver is stronger than theirs.

So Plato says we have to get our horses in line and obey the driver to become who we really want to become. Makes total sense, right?

Then Plato’s student, Aristotle came along (just hang on a second) Aristotle had an idea – Fake it ‘til you make it. He said if you want to become a certain way, learn to do something, you have to just start doing it. If you want to be a kind person, then you have to practice being kind. If you want to be brave you start acting brave. Well, okay Aristotle. The way professor Gendler put it (and I don’t think this was a quote from Aristotle himself) she says, “Act as if you already were, that which you wish to become.” Again, fake ‘til you make it. Build habits – reinforce the synaptic connections in your brain so that being brave or being kind comes automatic. Little changes going a long way.

So, what all this means really, is that you can’t just listen to podcasts or read books or even make spreadsheets or drawings about what you want to do – you have to actually do it to become it. You train your horses to go where you want to go. You start making small changes to gradually be where you want to be.

So, all these tiny changes we just discussed will gradually add up to bigger changes in our behavior, our kid’s behavior and the relationship with our kid.

You have to start somewhere. I can’t remember where I read it years ago (and I tried to find the book) but someone said, if you want to start doing something like exercise an hour a day, rather than jumping up and putting on your gear and jumping on the treadmill the first day, just put on your shoes and stand in the treadmill (with it off) for a minute - something like that. And I can’t remember what he said you’d do the next day – maybe 2 minutes. But his point was (and you know this is why people fail at resolutions) you make these enormous goals for yourself and plan on doing it all at one – I’m going to quit eating red meat starting today. I’m going to run 3 miles a day staring now. And when the task proves too daunting, you quit.

It's much easier to do something small over and over again until it becomes a habit than it is to stick with something huge. And once the small thing becomes a habit, you can increase the frequency or the intensity gradually until you reach the larger goal. It all makes very good sense.

And when it comes to the relationship with our teenagers, we have at least two or more people trying to form a new habit. You have to learn your small bit and they have to get used to the idea that you’re doing something different. Don’t expect them to notice right away or even if they notice, don’t expect that their behavior will change right away.

They have to a) see that you really mean to stick with it – that you’re not going back to your “old ways” and b) trust that you’re not just up to something.

If you’ve had months or years of parenting one way, don’t expect things to change overnight, but you can expect change and likely sooner than you think – just hang in there until you see it. Do not give up.

So let me recap really quick:

1. Decide on a mantra and start repeating it and counting to 25 when you need to think before you go off of your child
2. You’re gonna stop with the constant reminders and questions – 1 per day I’m telling you
3. You’re going to start having at least 5 positive interactions with you kid per day – it could be a touch on the back or a compliment or a laugh just do it
4. You’re going to never say “calm down” or “it’s not that bad” ever again
5. You’re going to stop getting on your high horse about “disrespecting me” – they are not talking to other people this way – and you can talk to them about it later
6. Stop looking at damn Google Classroom
7. Let their bedroom be a disaster if they’re comfortable in it
8. Ask “What Happened” when something goes wrong rather than assuming anything or jumping in with both feet
9. Start a one minute a day mindfulness practice and gradually build up
10. And start a daily journaling habit – just a minute or so of something meaningful

 

Listen, I hope your New Year is off to a fabulous start…and if it isn’t don’t worry, you can make it better! This was episode 99 – episode 100 is Friday and as of this very second I have no idea what I’m doing – I may record it while eating hot wings – I don’t know – we’ll see.

Thanks for listening and please spread the word about the podcast so more parents can find a little peace and connection with their teens. Thank you for being so supportive!

And remember, a little change goes a long way!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoy the show, I would really, really appreciate if you’d give us a 5-star rating and write a review in Apple – it will help potential listeners know the show is worth listening to!

And do come join us in the Speaking of Teens Facebook Group - the link is right there at the very bottom of the show description in your app.

Until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.