Has your teen asked if they could have their boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over…or asked if they could sleepover at their house yet? Oh, it will likely happen. And when it does, what would you say? Okay, hold that thought.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

I’ve decided to tackle this rather large and slightly controversial issue today. Should you let your teens have sleepovers with their romantic partners; their boyfriend or girlfriend.

Let me tell you - this question has layers. There’s a religious layer, a cultural layer, a societal layer, a sexual health layer, a parent-teen relationship layer, and potentially even a political layer. Well, I’m pretty much skipping over the religious and political layers – but I’ll dive headfirst into the rest.

I see parents asking this question in forums and Facebook groups, and I faced it with my son when he was in high school and had a steady girlfriend - but I never allowed it. It just did not feel “appropriate” – and actually the thought of it just felt kind of gross. Now, her parents allowed sleepovers and we certainly discussed birth control with our son and, I spoke with her mother about it all.

But just recently in our Speaking of Teens Facebook group one of our members was faced with this issue and asked the group for advice. Well, my knee jerk reaction was that I’d probably say no (after having a discussion of course) I even jokingly said, why can't they just do it in their car and not tell us about it (like we did!!)

But I said I’d do a little research and post back and do a future episode on the issue – so here we are. Here’s the interesting research I discovered.

Dr. Amy Schalet is currently an Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and a specialist on adolescent sexuality and culture in comparative perspective (yeah, we don’t have to really know what that means). What’s important to us is that she spent a decade researching the general fear and anxiety that most parents have about adolescent sexuality and how this impacts our teens.

She conducted some massive research and wrote her doctoral thesis on it, which later became a book, Not Under My Roof: Parents Teens, and the Culture of Sex, which was published in 2011.

In her research and her book, she compared American and Dutch cultures and attitudes about adolescent sexual behavior and revealed some really startling differences.

The question she had was how the Netherlands and the US, two very similar countries as far as economics, education, and reproductive technologies, could be at completely different ends of the spectrum regarding teen pregnancy rates – the US being MUCH higher than the Netherlands.

Back in the early aughts, and now, the US leads the Western World in teen pregnancies. The current rate is 13.5 pregnancies per 1000 15- to 19-year-old girls. (Get DCD and World rates here)

But way down at the bottom (as it was in 2011) is the Netherlands with 3 pregnancies per 1,000, (the only countries that beat it now are Norway, Denmark, and Switzerland with 2 pregnancies per 1,000.)

So, hold on, I’m getting to whether or not your kid should be spending the night with their boyfriend or girlfriend…a question that is strongly tied to why there is such a difference between these country’s teen pregnancy rates (and the rates of abortions and STDs or STIs)

So, Dr. Schalet wanted to know why, if all teenagers, are biologically the same - both Dutch and American teens become sexually active/have sex for the first time at around age 17– and the countries are so similar, why the huge difference in the sex-related statistics?

Why are American teens getting pregnant at more than 4 times the rate of Dutch teens?

Well, it boils down to culture and society – which of course inform public policies like what schools teach in the way of sex education, medical procedures, access to contraception, privacy issues…

So, let’s do a little comparing:

If you look at the history of pre-marital sex in Dutch society, you realize that up until the mid-60s, it was really frowned upon – even more so than in the states – it was an extremely traditional society.

But interestingly, the sexual revolution of the 1960s, (which ushered in the  “the pill” and other modern contraceptives) began to change the whole attitude in the Netherlands about sex before marriage. I mean, now that you can effectively prevent pregnancy, you can loosen up a bit, right?

By the early 1980s, the Dutch mindset for 3 out of 5 adults had shifted from the traditional abstinence before marriage to “sex before marriage is fine as long as the girl was in love with the boy.”

So over a period of a couple of decades in the Netherlands, the media, academia, doctors, and even the clergy, all migrated over to a very common-sense approach to premarital sex – there was a culture shift.

So, they emphasize teaching teens to understand the responsibilities that accompany having sex – like emphasizing effective contraception use.

Doctors readily prescribed the pill for teenage girls without their parent’s permission or knowledge. And girls at least 16-years-old could get an abortion without parental consent.

The way Schalet put it, the “Dutch public health policy has given adolescents the right and the responsibility to make decisions about their sexual behavior and reproductive health.” And admittedly, that’s a tough one since we know teens don’t have the ability yet to always make great decisions.

But here’s the crazy thing, during this early shift from “you are not to have premarital sex” in the late 60s – early 70s to “okay, you’re going to have sex so let’s make sure you’re protected in the early 1980s - the pregnancy rate for teens in the Netherlands plummeted

So, their attitude about premarital sex loosened with an emphasis on responsibility and protection and the rates teenagers were getting pregnant – dropped to the lowest in the world at the time (now only surpassed by 3 countries by 1 per 1,000 girls)

And the evidence shows that Dutch teens end up with fewer sexual partners, use contraception more often and more effectively than American teens.

This same cultural/societal shift, did not happen in the US.

Pregnancy rates for teens increased during the 70s and 80s – it’s been steadily declining since the 1990s, but according to the CDC, we’re still at 13.5 pregnancies per 1,000 teenage girls between 15 and 19 years old…STILL more than 4 times that of the Netherlands.

AND the rates of STDs among this age group has risen during this time. The US is at the top of the heap in the Western world for teen pregnancies, abortions (pre-Supreme Court ruling) and live births. I’ll link to all my sources in the show notes.

So, what does US society and culture emphasize regarding teens and sex?

Well, in the US, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation only 24 states and DC mandate sex education in the schools, 37 states require that when sex ed is taught in schools, that abstinence must be included in that educational program, 26 states require that abstinence be emphasized, only 13 states require that the information taught must be medically accurate and only 18 states and DC require that information on contraception be provided at all.

Teens in most states in the US can also get medical birth control without parental consent but the rules vary from state to state.

The 1977 U.S. Supreme Court ruling in Carey v. Population Services International affirmed the constitutional right to privacy for a minor to obtain contraceptives in all states. And why did the Supreme Court need to decide this? Because people fought to make sure teens couldn’t get birth control without their parents signing off on it. Is that just because they wanted to know if their kid was having sex or to keep them from having sex? And of course, we all know what’s happened with the latest Supreme Court ruling on anyone’s right to an abortion.

So, that’s public policy in the US, that’s our culture – and our overall societal norms, which we can clearly see is not doing our teens any good when we look at the research and statistics.

And on an individual level, a familial level, how does our culture and our societal norms about teenage sex impact our parenting? What are parent’s attitudes about teen sexuality in the US compared to that in the Netherlands?

THIS is where we finally get to examine the big sleepover question.

Amy Schalet, again, the researcher and author of Not Under My Roof that I mentioned earlier, asked parents in both countries many questions but one in particular was, “Would you permit your teen to spend the night with a girlfriend or boyfriend in his or her room at home?”

She then followed up with Why or Why not and other clarifying questions.

When she asked parents in the US, 9 out of 10 answered…what do you think their answer was? Of course - No way! Not while they were still in high school at least.

But…in the Netherlands 9 out of 10 of those parents had either already allowed a sleepover or would consider allowing it if their kid was 16 or 17 and the circumstances were right.

Again, the US teen pregnancy rate is 4 and a half times that of the Netherlands – 4 and a half times!

So, let’s dig a little further and figure out what it is we’re missing in the US (and the UK, New Zealand etc.)

Schalet found several overarching mindsets or concerns with the American parents that she did not find with the Dutch parents:

• The raging hormones issue – American parents were quoted saying this like both girls and boys "are completely hormonally driven", the “boys’ testosterone is bubbling over”, “those hormones kicked in early”…We tend to see this metaphorical hormone-induced state of being – that they are completely at the whim of their “raging sex hormones.” That they are under total mind-control and cannot possibly control their primal urges.
• American parents are also hyper-focused on the horrible consequences that could befall their teenager if they have sex. Pregnancy, disease, abortion, parenting, being stuck with the other person, the list goes on. They mentioned things like “ruining their life forever” and “making a huge mistake”.

It appears that the prevailing view of parents in the US is that teens simply do not have the power to control their sexual urges, to say no or to remember to use a condom or take personal responsibility for birth control or the consequences of not using birth control.

And, as an aside, many parents are also under the mistaken assumption that teens think they’re invincible. That is not true – they know the consequences, but because of their brain’s revved up reward system, they just weigh those consequences against the fun they want to have and often decide to hell with the consequences, I want to have fun. The fun in the moment simply outweighs the downside of the possible consequence.

So, a lot of these parents said, it’s not so much the having sex that concerns them as it is the consequences of the sex.

Many American families have rules like the bedroom door must always open if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend in there – or no boyfriend or girlfriend at all in the bedroom, no boyfriend or girlfriend at the house unless we’re home. We see ourselves as their managing director, their protector and guardian – because we don’t believe they could possibly control themselves.

So, it’s no wonder American parents are like – NO – no one is spending the night or sleeping in the same bed anywhere – especially not under my roof! (which is what she named her book.)

• She also found that American parents are also very skeptical that teenagers are capable of falling in love. The general attitude is that they don’t know what love is – they just think they do. And American parents see a major difference between the sexes: as in boys just want to get laid and girls want intimacy and love. Boys are oafs and girls are princesses. We see boys and girls with totally opposite goals in the dating realm. This seems to be true no matter how conservative or progressive the parent. The parents tend to believe girls are pushed into having sex by the boys – that they don’t want to do such a thing. Dads are especially protective of daughters and parents feel that the emotional cost to their daughters are higher than their sons. But then again moms worry about their sons getting trapped by a girl.

Again, these are all things that Dutch parents do not think about or talk about.

So, because of all these competing interests between boys and girls, the raging hormones, the consequences of sex, American parents feel they have to keep their teens from becoming too seriously entangled in a romantic relationship and allowing a sleepover would totally sabotage that goal.

 

• Even with all of these worries, many American parents do still want to help their child protect themselves should they decide to have sex – the more liberal they are the more likely they are to have a hand in helping them protect themselves. BUT, it appears we don’t necessarily want to know about them having sex and we sure as hell don’t want it going on under our roof – not in my house is something American parents repeat over and over. It’s inappropriate, uncomfortable, icky, not the example I want to set for them, it’s giving them a license to do whatever they please, at home is not the time or the place….these were the comments she got.

Compared to the Dutch parents, Americans are totally up front about how uncomfortable they are in confronting their own kid’s sexuality. Some of them were like “In a way it's better not to have it so blatant, to do things a little more secretively like I was raised. We were on the sly and in secret. It seems a little better that way, rather than blatant in front of your parents about it.”

• Another theme American parents shared was that their kids should be completely independent and on their own before they would sanction their sexual relationships – like living on their own, being financially independent, even living together or being married before they’d let them sleep in the same room together at their house. I’ll admit – even after my son was 20 years old and living with his girlfriend in Colorado, I just did not want them sleeping in the same bed here at the house at first. I just didn’t like it at all – couldn’t really tell you why – just didn’t like it.

So, for all these reasons, most American parents feel it’s a no brainer – “no, I’m not letting my 16-year-old spend the night at his/her girlfriend’s boyfriend’s house” or vice versa. It’s just not acceptable. “My house – my rules.”

Again, 9 out of 10 Dutch parents had either already allowed a sleepover or would consider allowing it if their kid was 16 or 17 and the circumstances were right.

So, how does the Dutch attitude differ from Americans?

• One thing Schalet found was that the Dutch feel that teenagers are much more capable of deciding when they’re ready to have sex – they even have a specific term for it. And part of that “being ready” is to take sensible preventive measures to prevent disease and pregnancy. One mom said, that she always told her daughter, “if you are ready, say it honestly and use the pill” Another set of parents told her that they felt it was simply “stupid” to try to avoid giving teenagers the opportunity to have sex. (quote) “They need to determine that themselves." "They can do that, provided that you have spoken about it with them and that you have pointed out the dangers and consequences to them. And if they know all that, they can handle it."

Dutch parents feel more confident in their kids ability to know when they’re ready when they see them taking their sexual development slowly – and they obviously talk about these things because one parent told her that for the first few months that her daughter and her boyfriend spent the night together, the only slept – even thought they were (quote) “crazy about each other.” Other parents said, yes, my son or daughter took it step by step in their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend up to the point when they had sex…and that it happened after many sleepovers. Even dads said, about their daughters, (and I’m saying this from an American culture perspective because it’s just so opposite) but Dutch dads said that they didn’t worry about their daughters getting pregnant or catching a disease – one said, (quote) "No, she is 16, almost 17 and I think she knows very well what matters and what can happen and that if she is ready, I would let her be ready."

These parents have obviously talked to their kids a lot, over time, about their sexual development, how to know when they’re ready for sex, how to use contraceptives properly, what to be careful of, how to take it slowly…and they trust them to handle it.

That’s the reasoning they give for being comfortable with sleepovers. But it also doesn’t sound like they’re all just totally nonchalant about it either. For example, one parent said, “You know if Anneke were to come home one day and tell us just like that, 'Johnny is sleeping over tonight,' that would scare the living daylights out of us, of course. [But I doubt] Johnny will show up out of the blue. I think that he will come by the house and that I'll hear about him and that she'll talk about him, and yes, that it really is a gradual thing.”

• A second way in which Dutch parents view their teens’ sexual activity differently from US parents is – well, for one thing, they don’t call it sexual activity. They look at it from more of a relational point of view – of two people having a courtship and not of a girls point of view versus a boy’s point of view and seeing them as competing interests. They actually assume that teenagers can and often do fall in real Not “puppy love” as we often refer to it.

And again, the difference in the fathers in the US – Schalet points out that they tend to be more protective of daughters here and more “atta boy” with sons. But the Dutch seem to treat both sons and daughters the same and seem to not treat them differently regarding a sleepover.

Notably, only one Dutch parent even mentioned hormones and she did so in the context of love. When asked what makes a teenager ready for sex, she said, (quote) “At a certain moment those hormones begin to rage and, who knows, it may be the love of your life. "There is a biological component of course.... But in addition to that, there is something very emotional." She went on to explain that the something very emotional could be real love – she says, “of course, at 16 you can, you do, really love."

• It also appears that unlike American parents who tend to fear their teenager will become too emotionally attached or entangled (while simultaneously doubting it’s real love), the Dutch look at that as one reason they do allow sleepovers – when they see their teen and their romantic partner (quote) “ really care about each other, that it isn't just a passing fancy." It seems that many of the Dutch parents don’t like the idea of casual sex or one-night-stands – they feel sex should be something that happens in a relationship and they would not allow sleepovers unless that’s the case. This quote sums it up: “I can't have such an old-fashioned reaction that the girlfriend has to sleep somewhere else while he is in his bedroom. Then I would be fooling myself, because at night they'll sleep together anyway. No, to want them to sleep separately would feel childish. But if it's just a girl he's going out with and next time it's another girl, and then another. No I don't find that pleasant. No, I don't want that.”
• Dutch parents also feel that to discuss sex with their kids is as natural and normal as talking about a playdate. They say it should be as common as any conversation and not something you make a big deal about like we do in the US when we call it “the talk.” They see it as natural and not scary or special like we do.
• They also don’t see sexuality as something that should be secret or hidden or cause a barrier or conflict between parents and kids. Even if they feel a kid is too young to begin having sex they don’t want to shut down the conversation because they don’t want their child to end up hiding anything from them. Young people there apparently do tell their parents much more that American kids tell theirs – parents and kids talk about everything and keep everything out in the open. One mom says that sexuality, having sex used to be a big secret – to be hidden - but she says she really likes the way it is today because teenagers (quote) "ask and tell everything at home."

And listen to this quote of a mom talking about her son, Harm, she says, “Harm tells me, 'now I French-kissed' and then we become weak with laughter because he tells me what he did with them, that is nice. It's so innocent and open."

The overall attitude is that Dutch parents accept the sleepover as much better than their kids doing things in secret – causing a division of sorts between them and their kids. They say that they know that forbidding them to have sex doesn’t mean they’re not going to have sex – it just means they do it elsewhere and out of sight.

Now, one mom did say, of course, she doesn’t want secrets and wants her kids to be open, but adds, "I mean I am not going to jump up and down with joy in front of their bedroom door."

That paints a pretty clear emotional picture doesn’t it? It seems that Dutch parents are willing to be get comfortable in their discomfort. They accept their teen’s natural sexuality as something normal and rather than going to the extremes that we American parents go to – to sort of separate our teen’s sexuality from our family’s home life, the Dutch want to avoid that separation between their home and their kids. They see it as something that can be integrated.

They way you can look at it is that the Dutch put their own emotions like embarrassment and fear out of the equation – and they consider how their response to their child’s sexuality will impact their child’s behavior  and their relationship with that child now and in the future.

It’s not only parents who emphasize the normalization of teen sexuality in the Netherlands. Even though sex education isn’t mandatory, it’s usual and when it is taught, the emphasis on knowing yourself, understanding when you’re ready, open dialogue, having respect and love for your partner, how to have a relationship, gradually learning with your partner, understanding all the different feelings, proper and effective use of contraception. It’s a universe away from what our kids learn in the US with even the most thorough curriculum.

I could go on and on about how even the government promotes these same themes.

But even after all this research, Schalet would still not tell anyone, anywhere to just “be like the Dutch and let your kids have sleepovers with boyfriends and girlfriends” – or at least not if the goal is to lower pregnancy rates like in the Netherlands – that’s a very simplistic view of how culture and societies and governments and families work. To get the same results as far as pregnancy rates go, country-wide, everything would have to shift exactly as it is in the Netherlands.

BUT you’re not trying to lower the US, UK, Canadian or Australian or South African pregnancy rate, are you? No. You might be facing the question of the dreaded sleepover. You’re trying to protect your teen, maybe from raging hormones, from being pressured to have sex, of getting too attached too young, from getting pregnant or getting a disease or God knows what else. I get it. Those issues have been engrained in our collective psyche.

But can you entertain for the moment that our collective psyche could be wrong – maybe not 100% wrong okay, but let’s at least try to look at this more objectively, more rationally and relationally – even more scientifically?

This could mean doing things differently from the way we were raised, the way our neighbor sees things, the way our preacher, rabbi, priest, imam or minister tells it.

 

If we just unclench our jaw, open our minds, and see our teenagers’ sexuality as simply another natural, normal, gradual process that happens during this long period of adolescence, perhaps we will be less freaked out and better able to talk to them about and guide them in it.

 

Even if you’re not ready or willing to jump on the sleepover bandwagon (and I’m not saying whether you should or shouldn’t), I think we have to admit that the way Dutch parents approach sexuality with their teens makes a lot of sense. It’s just like we say to approach everything with our teens: in an open, honest, non-judgmental, and loving way.

 

If you treat their sexuality as something to be kept secret, it will be. If you treat it as something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of – they will be. If you treat it as something not to be done under your nose, it likely won’t be…but where will they be doing it (if they do it)?

 

Giving them accurate information, teaching them that only they can know when they’re ready, allowing for the fact that they can fall in love, that they can make decisions about this part of their life, that they can take responsibility for birth control, with guidance. It apparently works for a whole country, so maybe it can work for your family.

 

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