Do you find yourself constantly stressed out about your teen and their school work? I was. For years, it’s almost all I thought about with my son. It was constant because of his ADHD, learning issues and anxiety – and then later he was acting out and other things were going on.

Maybe your teen has some of the same issues.

Or they complain about their classes or teachers or how stupid or boring school is.

Maybe their homework takes them until 1 am and they’re not getting enough sleep.

Or they just don’t seem motivated

One of the big reasons you may be worried about any of these things is because of the impact it has on their grades.

And you worry about their grades because you want them to at least graduate - and you may hope that they’ll go to college…and grades are a factor for both.

Today, I want to try and convince you of a few things: a) school sucks for your kid, whether you or they are aware of it or not, b) you’ve got to empathize with them about it, and c) you need to be less stressed about your kid’s performance in school. Bear with me - I have some good arguments for you.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

I can’t even begin to tell you how overwhelming school was for my son, my husband and me. It was all consuming for years and years. And I never felt like anywhere he went was the right fit for him. He liked school in the very beginning until the teachers started complaining that he couldn’t start or complete tasks on time. By the end of second grade, we’d already had a meeting with the administrators at his private Episcopal School asking that we have him evaluated for ADHD.  Beginning in 3^rd grade they were pulling him out of class and marching him down to the reading lab to teach him Orton Gillingham (if you don’t know – that’s a dyslexia thing). And so, his feelings of inferiority began in earnest. And that’s a whole other podcast  - but my point is that I know you may be dealing with a similar or totally different issue which still makes school this big black cloud hanging over your entire family. And I know how it sucks.

If he had been in a more supportive learning environment, where it was less stressful and demeaning and demanding, our lives would have been completely different all those years. We could have cut out at least 80% of the conflict, arguments, and power struggles. His anxiety wouldn’t have been so bad. My anxiety wouldn’t have been so bad. And I’ll never know for sure, but I don’t think he would have experienced any of the major acting out if learning had felt more nurturing or fulfilling.

Why school sucks for your kid whether you or they are aware or not:

Imagine that today, someone offered you a job that started at 7:30 in the morning, ended at 3 in the afternoon with another 2 or 3 hours or more in work that you had to take home and do each day (in addition to other obligations) so you’re only going to get around 6 hours of sleep at night. And while you’re at work, you’re only allowed to go to the restroom in a span of 5 minutes, carrying your entire office on your back in a backpack, because you’re also be forced to switch offices every 45 minutes or so – 5 or 6 times a day. Oh, and each of those offices you work in, would actually have a different supervisor, who would evaluate you in a completely different manner from the others. But you do get a 20-minute lunch break – at 10:15 am. Wait – get this, you also have to bring a note from a doctor if you need to stay home because you don’t feel well. Forget about staying at home just because you’re totally stressed out.

That does not sound like a job I’d want – does it to you? Yet, that’s school. Our kids deal with that every single day. And on top of that, they have to worry about being liked and looking cool and not being embarrassed in front of the class and possibly not being harassed in the halls or picked on. It can be a harsh, harsh environment for a kid to navigate all day every day without much of a break.

In Episode 75 Laurie Couture talked a little about how sending kids off to daycare and schools goes against the natural order of secure attachment and attachment parenting. She talked about how their basic physiological needs are not met. Not being allowed to eat when they’re hungry or being allowed to go to the bathroom when they need to or having recess taken away if they don’t finish their work (they certainly did that at the private school my son attended). She talked about how the school environment causes acting out in our teens- that it’s so stressful and so prison or military like.

It may sound like an extreme view, but it really isn’t.

In reality, organized, state-mandated schooling outside of the home wasn’t even a thing until the late 1800s when Horace Mann (MA Board of Education secretary) bulldozed it through in Massachusetts. It seems that other state legislatures really caught on and became totally invested in legally forcing parents to send their kids to school. Some states like Oregon even tried to outlaw private schools (so the state could control all children) but the Supreme Court shot that down in 1925.

You could definitely argue that at least some of the impetus for these laws was to insure the protestant control over education – especially in Massachusetts where there were thousands of Irish Catholic immigrants coming into the state when the law was passed. The state could then sanction these immigrant parents if they didn’t send their kids to state schools. So, a lot of private Catholic schools started popping up in Massachusetts – which was allowed.

The fact that the state can hold a parent criminally liable for their child missing too many “unexcused” days of school just gripes me to no end. Some states or districts impose crazy rules regarding excused and unexcused absences that literally hobble parents and force kids to attend school when they either don’t feel well mentally or perhaps physically (but not bad enough to go running off to the doctor to get a damn note). Most states still don’t allow mental health days for kids. If your kid’s being bullied and the school’s doing nothing about it – you’re expected to just send them on. It’s insane that the state can tell us when we can and can’t keep our kids home from school….especially when school is harming them.

If you think about the institution of school and break it down – you can see it makes no common sense whatsoever and it’s no wonder kids seem unmotivated or uninterested in it. As an adult I have the freedom to read about and study whatever I’m interested in. I’ve spent the last several hours reading about the history of our education system. It’s a wonderful feeling to learn something you want to learn. That’s motivation. When our kids and teens are forced to memorize facts and dates and the parts of a flower – they know full well they will never, ever, ever need to know that in the future. And if they do, happen to need to know it, they’ll still won’t remember it. It all feels like a giant waste of time. And guess what? Most of it really is.

Until last week, I’d never heard of John Taylor Gatto. He was a public-school teacher in New York City - won teacher of the year 3 times and even won state teacher of the year once. He wrote several books – the first was Dumbing Us Down in 2017 (he introduced that phrase into the common vernacular).

But long before he became an author and after almost 30 years as a teacher, well, Mr. Gatto got completely fed up with the education system – with schools and he decided to quit and he did so in a very public way: he asked the Wall Street Journal to publish his letter and they did. Let me tell you a little bit of what he said.

“No one believes anymore that scientists are trained in science classes or politicians in civics classes or poets in English classes. The truth is that schools don't really teach anything except how to obey orders.”

“It is absurd and anti-life to be part of a system that compels you to sit in confinement with people of exactly the same age and social class.”

“It is absurd and anti-life to be part of a system that compels you to listen to a stranger reading poetry when you want to learn to construct buildings, or to sit with a stranger discussing the construction of buildings when you want to read poetry.”

“It is absurd and anti-life to move from cell to cell at the sound of a gong for every day of your natural youth in an institution that allows you no privacy and even follows you into the sanctuary of your home demanding that you do its "homework".”

“In centuries past the time of a child and adolescent would be occupied in real work, real charity, real adventures, and the realistic search for mentors who might teach what you really wanted to learn. A great deal of time was spent in community pursuits, practicing affection, meeting, and studying every level of the community, learning how to make a home, and dozens of other tasks necessary to become a whole man or woman.”

He goes on to make a plea to reform schools to give our kids their time back – time for independent study that takes place outside the regular school setting - time for them to develop their own self-knowledge and what he calls their own “private uniqueness and self-reliance” – he say’s “self-teaching” is the only teaching with any lasting value. He talks about apprenticeships and community service and adventures in experience and large doses of privacy and solitude for kids and says we must include the family as the main engine of education – that kids should have never been broken away from parents to send off the school in the first place.

So, yes, you likely suffered through this ridiculous school system – I certainly suffered through it. But that doesn’t make it any less of a soul-sucking experience for your teen. Even a straight A, involved-in-everything, teen is being pushed through a system that is exactly the opposite of what they need and very highly pressurized to boot.

On top of that you have school violence, gun violence, and the added issue of smart phones.

So, if your kid’s not a nervous wreck from school, it’s a miracle. But even so, the very last thing they want to talk about when they get home in the afternoon, knowing they still have more work to do, is “what did you do in school today?” and especially not “how much homework do you have?” or “don’t you have a test to study for?” Surely, we should be able to see that now, right?

And you talk about a horrible place – kids with any sort of learning issue, developmental issue – they’re fish out of water all day long, day in and day out. Feeling inept and lost.

We’ve got to stop making things worse at home – for all our kids. What’s being asked of them is too much. They’ve been forced into this environment, which they have to make the best of, unless you want to pull them out and homeschool them. Private schools are no better – not most of them anyway. They follow the same traditional schooling model, which by the way, has not changed in 175 years. Think of everything else that’s changed in the last 175 years. EVERYTHING. Medicine, communication, transportation, architecture…but not school.

We still have teachers standing at the front of a room full of desks lined up in rows lecturing and writing on a chalk board (perhaps a smart board) and handing out tests and grading and recording and reporting. Wow.

You know what might help just a bit? When your kid’s complaining about the amount of homework they have, that a teacher’s been unfair, that a project is just to much…empathize with them. They’re not exaggerating. They’re not whining. They have a legitimate complaint. They have a right to feel however they feel evern if you don’t think it’s legit.

They don’t need you taking up for the institution of school, or the teacher or the principal or headmaster…they need you to listen to their complaint, validate it, tell them you know it’s a lot, you realize it’s not fair, you know they have a right to complain, that you get that they’re annoyed, frustrated, furious or whatever they are.

Provide a bit of comfort, put a hand on their back or give them a hug. Don’t offer advice – the most you should do is ask a few questions to see if you can help them come up with their own solution. You can, however, ask them if there’s anything they need from you. They may ask for your advice but just tread lightly here. They need to learn to solve their own issues as much as possible.

And remember, when you remind them to unload the dishwasher or clean their bathroom or take out the trash that they have the equivalent of at least a 50-hour a week job plus any extracurriculars, or part time job. And they need to find sometime in their to chill, play a video game, hang out with a boyfriend or girlfriend and sleep.

They’re going to be easy to annoy or anger, or to get nervous or afraid because they’re physically and mentally exhausted and sleep deprived. Seriously. Their brain doesn’t let them get to sleep until sometime around midnight and then they’re up again by what, 6 7 at the latest? I mean really, by Friday, they are worn out – ready to lay around all weekend. Wouldn’t you be?

It’s too, too much. It’s no wonder they’re anxious and depressed.

Let me say this too – they are not lazy, don’t criticize their work ethic or their drive. It will not make them perform better. Do you perform better if someone tells you that you could do better? Or would you be pissed off that someone accused you of not doing what you should? Every report card I ever got said, “Ann could do so much better if she’s just apply herself.” Guess what? I was applying the hell out of myself – as much as my brain would allow. Telling a kid that is never going to make them do better. That reads “you’re just lazy.” It’s really hard to force your brain to study boring crap. It is.

The adolescent brain is still weak in executive functions like planning ahead, organizing, focusing, staying on task, working memory, self-control and making good decisions. They don’t do this on purpose. They’re doing the best they can with what they’ve been given. These are the cards they’ve been dealt. And if they have ADHD or any other issue, you can expect all of these functions to be astronomically harder for them. And different kids develop at different stages, they have different temperaments, aptitudes for certain things – never, ever, ever compare your kid to another kid – a sibling, a friend another relative – never. If they need help, get them extra help – a coach, a tutor – but you can’t do it – it will be unpleasant.

Agan, if you want to help your teen, one of the best things you can do is empathize with them and do the best you can to give them space, let them relax, let them do their work in their own time, and yes, if they don’t do it, let them suffer the consequences.

And wait – before you say, “I can’t do that, they won’t do anything other than scroll their phone or play video games. They won’t do any homework or study for any tests, and they’ll end up flunking out of high school or they won’t get into college with crappy grades.

Let me tell you something. Unless they have and Ivy League school in their sites (and if they do, I doubt you’re worried about them doing their homework) – if they just want to get a degree or go to college somewhere, they can go with as low as a C average – a 2.0 and a crappy SAT. There are over 5,000 colleges in the US and there are plenty of them that accept that not-so-stellar GPA. Of course, they may need to bump up other parts of their application. You can even go to college with a GPA of under 2.0.

If they’re at a 2.0 at the beginning of their senior year, they can still get some help in the last year to raise it and get in somewhere.

And if they can’t get into a 4-year school, they can always go to a junior college or community college first and transfer after getting good grades there and getting used to studying. As a matter of fact, going to a 2 year college first and then transferring is a very wise choice no matter what their GPA. Estimates put the money savings alone at anywhere from almost $14,000 to $80,000 depending on whether that 4 year school is in state or out and public or private.

Back in 19&* when I graduated from high school, I went to a junior college because I had a stupid boyfriend who was much older and not in college and decided to accompany me to school. At the time I couldn’t have even told you what my GPA was in high school – I don’t even think I knew what a GPA was. But I can tell you that I made plenty of Cs, at least 1 D that I recall and tons and tons of Bs.

I was the first generation in my family to go to college. My parents were very accomplished and did very well for themselves but knew nothing about preparing for college and never, ever asked me about school or homework or grades or tests – not a single time that I recall.

So, that first 2 solid years in a junior college got my GPA up to something close to a 3.75 out of 4 and I went on to a 4-year university (the only one I applied to) and blah blah blah and 7 years later (after opening a couple of businesses and marrying the first husband) I finally finished my undergrad degree (I don’t even remember my GPA but again it was close to a 4.0) and immediately applied to law school – one law school and got in there and graduated in the top 25% (not that that’s anything to brag about) but I did all that having ADHD and not knowing it and not having any medication thank you very much.

I want you to stop stressing about school. You graduated years ago. You shouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. And there’s no reason to worry about it. Of course, you don’t want them flunking out of high school, you want them to realize that these grades do matter if they have a certain college or university they really want to get into. But you know what, I’m pretty sure you’ve probably said it enough times that they know. They really do.

Have they actually said they want to go to a certain college? Or any college? Is that them or you? There are other ways you know. College is great for a lot of kids and necessary for certain careers – but certainly not all careers. And going off to college isn’t for everyone. It’s not for everyone straight out of high school – maybe later – maybe after they learn how to study better or decide what they want to do. Maybe after junior college or after they’ve worked a few years or taken a gap year or traveled.

Or maybe never – maybe they’ll find their passion outside of college, maybe they’ll invent something or take up a trade or start their own business. But whatever it is they decide – it’s okay – it’s not you. It’s their life. Only they can decide how to live it moment to moment.

You’ve gotten them this far. They will be fine. They do not have to be perfect or even great or stellar. They just have to be average – like most of us. Average is happy. Average is good. Average is a heck of a lot better than miserable.

 

So, remember, school sucks for your kid – whether they’re making As or Ds – it’s not the way it should be – it’s as unnatural as standing on your head all day and 10 times worse if they have any learning or developmental issue or mental disorder.

Empathize with them – tell them you get it. Give them space, back off a bit, remember they’re working a 50 hour a week job.

And stop stressing about their grades. They’ve heard you say the same things over and over and over again – likely for years. If it hasn’t sunk in by now, it’s not going to. If they start really going downhill, get someone else to help them.

But remember – 5,000 colleges in the US – lots of them to take your kid – junior colleges save money – the name on the diploma will still say wherever they went that last semester.

And college is not for everyone. Maybe in the future – maybe never. It’s their life and they get to live it. You keep yours.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoy the show, I would really, really appreciate if you’d give us a 5-star rating and write a review in Apple – it will help potential listeners know the show is worth listening to!

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Speaking of Teens is produced and edited by the - Steve Coleman; researched, written, and hosted by me, Ann Coleman –

Until next time