Has your teenager ever snuck out of the house in the middle of the night? Mine did - at least 2 or 3 times that I was aware of. The first time, I walked in his room in the middle of the night for some reason and saw a note lying on his bed. It said something like, “If you find this, don’t worry, I’m safe. I just went down the street to see Jessica – or whoever it was at the time – I’ll be back soon.”

Yeah, well that didn’t make me feel any better. I found him a block over, really just sitting on the sidewalk talking to a friend. By the third time, I took a handful of nails and nailed his window shut – not for very long – I took them out.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

And today, I’m going to talk to you about what to do if your teenager’s decided they need to slip one over on you in the middle of the night and go our for a good time.

First – did you know there’s a Wiki on how to sneak out of your house? Oh yes – there is. Complete with those lovely 1950-esk illustrations – kind of like Dick and Jane.

Here’re the parts of the article:

Thinking ahead

Preparing for your escape

Doing the Deed (no – not that deed apparently – this was written by a teenager)

If Trouble Arises

For Next Time and

Tips and Warnings

There’s also a lot of answers on Quora about how to sneak out without being caught. I’m sure there’s plenty on Reddit, SnapChat and all the places. This is a universal quest for many teenagers.

So, why is sneaking out such an issue with teenagers? It seems most kids try it at least once.

So, what’s really going on here.

First – This issue goes back to neurobiology.

Remember that the adolescent brain’s reward center is supercharged – like a racecar – like an Audie R8 with a Lambo engine (I’m a boy mom – I know things)

This reward system is more revved up than it ever was in childhood and more than it ever will be as an adult. Right now, everything is more thrilling, more exhilarating – once they do it, their brain tells them, “do that again – wow!”

And when they’re with friends – that reward system sends them into dopamine overdrive – because this adolescent brain is meant to help them bond with friends, outside of the family so they have a tribe to support them, so they can find a mate – all that stuff they have to eventually do as an adult. It’s simply how their brain works. They’ll do things around their friends that they’d never consider doing alone – they DO know better…when they’re not in the heat of the moment – it’s just neurobiology.

Of course, at the same time, their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls executive functions like making good decisions and using self-control – it’s really weak during adolescence – it’s rewiring and finishing up programming and isn’t fully developed until at least the mid-twenties.

So, you have this combo working and telling them to sneak out, but that process is triggered because they wanted to do something that you’ve either told them they aren’t allowed to do… or it’s something they just know you’d never approve of.

Other areas of the brain also jump in here to make sneaking out more of a possibility – during adolescence in their mind, the concerns you have over their “safety” – insert eyeroll here – are ridiculous.

For you to say no to something is just not fair. They feel like an adult – when puberty starts, your kid feels like they have as much common sense and knowhow as you do. They feel they can take care of themselves, make their own decisions. They want their autonomy. They want to be seen and heard and taken seriously. It’s a huge deal and something you have to understand as a parent and support as much as possible, or you’ll get more than just sneaking out. Go back and listen to episodes 15 and 16 for more on that.

So, preemptively, if your kid’s never snuck out before and you want to keep it from happening, what can you do?

First, it’s really good if you can explain how their brain works. Actually, I have a video that I made a while back to explain this very thing to teens and I’d really forgotten about it, but I’ll link it in the show description so you can share it with them. It’s really important for them to get this and realize their limitations and why they feel the way they do.

Also, it’s critical that you support their autonomy at all times. As I’ve said so many times before, when they reach adolescence, the “telling” is over. Everything should be a discussion, a negotiation, you’re doing lots and lots of listening and so much less talking. That is, if you want to maintain a strong relationship, not argue constantly and make sure you get their best behavior.

You can’t be treating them like a child, talking to them like a child, demanding their obedience. You’re role is to guide them – be their trusted team captain.

If your teenager asks to do something that’s just not safe in your opinion, you need to first allow them to fully explain what they want to do – give them the floor and let them talk while you listen – don’t cut them off and say no without hearing them out – that’s part of this autonomy support.

Then acknowledge their feelings for wanting to do this – empathize with them, “Gosh, it does sound like fun to go hang out by the river, in the middle of nowhere, until 1 am with dozens of your friends. I totally get why you want to do that.” Then very briefly explain your concerns about it - why you don’t believe it’s safe to. “You know here’s why I worry about that – and it’s my job to keep you safe so I have to consider everything.”

And then you suggest brainstorming a potential compromise. Maybe a few of the friends could come over for pizza instead or maybe they can go eat with them somewhere first or maybe a couple of parents could go. See if you can work something out.

It’s the solid, unilateral, “Nos” that will lead to sneaking out. When they know you’re never willing to listen, negotiate or be flexible, they will not ask – they will just do.

So, learning to support their autonomy is an art and it’s extremely important if you want to prevent sneaking out and other undesirable and unsafe behaviors.

Something else to make sure of is that they aren’t allowed to have the phone, iPad, laptop, game console – anything they can communicate on - in their bedroom – preferably at least an hour before bed. They should be secured and charging somewhere the temptation is not an issue. This might cut down on the planning

AND – you have to work on your relationship, your connection, their secure attachment to you. This is the only influence you have in their teen years – make sure it’s strong. You want them to hear your voice in their head when they’re away from home. You want them to think about the values and the morals you’ve instilled in them. You want them to trust you to call you or text you if they get into trouble – even if they’ve snuck out of the house.

But without a strong connection – you will not have that. Supporting their autonomy is one way to maintain that connection. Another way is to decrease the negative interactions you have with them and exponentially increase the positive.

Find the small ways you can connect every day – a hug, a kiss n the forehead, singing along to a song in the car, acting silly, getting them to show you something or explain something they’re really into. And you cut WAY back on the nagging (the reminding as we call it), the questions (How much homework do you have? have you filled out that form yet? When is that report due?), the scolding, the lectures, the yelling.

You have to make the effort. You have to show them how much you love them and believe in them and support them every single day. The negative interactions are telling them just the opposite.

So, here’s the big question – what should you do after they’ve chosen to sneak out?

Well, the first thing is to go back over these preemptive measures I just talked about. Talk to them about their brain, work on your autonomy support, work on your connection. And an additional way to work on that connection is to pay attention to how you handle the dreaded sneak out.

You may have a strong connection, you may keep all communication devices out of their room, they may know full well how their brain works, you may support their autonomy in every way you know…but their brain might get the best of them, and they may go for it anyway.

And what you do, in the moment when you actually see them again, after you’ve discovered they’ve snuck out, is critical.

If you’ve never been one to be able to maintain your composure – you’re not naturally emotionally regulated, you’re going to have your work cut out for you…because when your kid does something that you feel is truly scary like sneaking out, your brain likely isn’t working its best either. You may go right into fight or flight mode and start yelling, lecturing, punishing…but if you can maintain your cool right now, the outcome will be so much better. If you lose it, your teen’s gonna’ lose it and it’s all down hill from there.

And there’s no guarantee that they won’t lose it once they realize they’ve been found out. They may defensively strike first. But no matter what happens in this moment, you remain calm.

Don’t hover above them or put your hands on your hips – pretend they’re a wild animal caught in a trap, and you have to befriend it to get them out. I think that’s a perfect analogy really. A wild baby boar in a trap.

What’s the fist thing you would do in that scenario. You’d get down on their level, right? You’d talk in a soft, calm voice. You might stroke it’s head to sooth it (maybe on the back of the head where it can’t bite you).

Seriously, you go in all threatening and waving your arms and that boar’s going to rip its own leg off to tear into you.

So, you calmly, ask the boar – I mean your teenager, “So, what happened?” And you sit and you wait for a response. You might sit a while. You listen to what they say. And this is where your empathy and your understanding of how their brain works and your acknowledging their feelings all comes into play. You show them you get it.

But then it’s your turn. So, you tell them what about this concerns you. Why was this dangerous? What could have happened? Why are you concerned that they snuck out and did what they did. Remember, no lectures – just your concerns. And you can tell them what you would have agreed to let them do had they just come to you. Tell them you would have happily negotiated something with them but it wouldn’t have been exactly what they’ve done.

At this point, if they’re truly contrite and you can tell they feel bad about it and they even say that they would have agreed to the negotiations, there may be no need to even issue consequences. Truly. There are teens where this conversation would be enough.

But if they don’t seem sorry for what they did, don’t think they did anything wrong or if this sneaking out caused major distress for you and others, if someone was put in danger, anything serious happened at all, then you’ll likely wanted to go ahead and issue consequences.

But this is a pivotal moment because you do not want to do this unilaterally if you can avoid it. You want to ask them what they think should be done, brainstorm and try to come up with something together. Of course, if you can’t, the final call is yours. This is yet one more way to show them that you’re fair-minded and just and that you trust their input on things (even when they’ve made a huge mistake).

 

And if you must issue consequences – just know that it doesn’t have to be right then and there. If tempers flair or it’s 3 in the morning or you can’t think straight for any reason – there’s no rush. Do it tomorrow or whatever. Usually if you do this in haste you end up breaking the guidelines on issuing consequences.  That’s too much to go into here but you can go back and listen to episode 22. Generally, consequences should be reasonable in scope, sufficiently related to the behavior, not punitive, in other words.

Additionally, you want to make sure that they understand safety is the issue here. This is not about punishment; it’s about teaching them how to be safe. Maybe the consequences should be watching a documentary about someone who did what they did or something close and got hurt. Maybe they need to stay at home the following weekend (one weekend is enough) and have friends at your house instead of going out.

Here's the thing about consequences, they often just don’t work. You know why? Because they just piss your kid off and make them want to do what they want to do even more. Especially if the “consequence” seems unfair, too long, too big, unnecessary, not at all related to what they did.

For example, grounding them for a month – WAY out of scope. Taking away their phone for a week – a day or two is enough – and only if they actually planned their escape with the phone!

What about surveillance? Aiming a security camera at their window, putting bells on their windows and doors, sleeping in their bedroom floor…well, then it just becomes a game. How can I escape the evil clutches of the parent units?

When  you do that even after you’ve discussed it with them and they’ve agreed not to do it again, what are you showing them? You have absolutely no faith in their word. You don’t believe them, and you KNOW they’re going to attempt it again.

What good does all of that empathy, acknowledgement and discussion do when you’re just going to just turn around and treat them like a prisoner?

You’ve agreed on consequences – fair, reasonable, and related consequences. Now, stick to it and see what happens. Explain to them they’ve broken your trust and will have to earn it back, that you may question them more than before because it’s going to be difficult for you to believe them, that you may be going in and checking on them nightly for a while just to make you feel better…but that you will trust them again after a little while of them showing you that can be trusted.

 

 

Explain to them that you really hope they don’t break that trust because you think you’ve been fair and will absolutely negotiate with them on things, they want to do in the future to avoid their sneaking out. And tell them if they ever feel you’re being unfair, you want to know and that you’ll do your best to sit down and hash it out with them.

Also ask them what they think would be fair for consequences if they do it again. It should be more stringent of course. So, agree in advance and if it happens again, stick to it. At that point, you may need to discuss more parental monitoring with them, agree to it up front and put it in place – explain you are concerned for their safety – this is not a punishment – they are not in jail.

Of course, if they’re sneaking out to do drugs or drink or anything obviously dangerous, it may be time to talk to a professional and see what else is going on here. There could be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed You can listen to episode 7 for help there.

But no matter what’s going on, at all times, make sure your teen knows that you love them and that you’re primary concern is their safety. Keep showing up and telling them that - and focus on your connection, by being fair, supporting their autonomy and not punishing them.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoy the show, I would really, really appreciate if you’d give us a 5-star rating and write a review in Apple – it will help potential listeners know the show is worth listening to!

And do come join us in the Speaking of Teens Facebook Group - the link is right there at the very bottom of the show description in your app.

Speaking of Teens is produced and edited by  Steve Coleman; researched, written, and hosted by me, Ann Coleman.

Until next time