I think one of the toughest positions to be in as a parent is seeing your kid become romantically involved with someone you would have never chosen for them.

I’ve had requests from parents to talk about this very topic and I’ve seen tons of posts online from desperate parents who are truly concerned about or really dislike their child’s romantic partner.

It doesn’t matter if you have a son or a daughter or if they’re straight or LGBTQIA+ - the concerns are the same…we want to be sure our baby is dating someone worthy of them – that they’re being treated with respect and kindness, that they’re not being led down the wrong path or being negatively influenced in some way.

But how the heck do we do that?

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

I would normally thank you for being here for our weekly bonus episode, which I’ve been dropping every Friday for several months now…but I’ve decided it’s not really a bonus so much as it is another episode so I’m just going to start numbering them like the rest and just keep them a little bit shorter and solo while most of the Tuesday episodes will be interviews. Sound good?

Alright – then let’s talk about these boyfriend/girlfriend situations. And right off the bat I want to put your mind at ease: I found a study conducted by the University of Texas which found that only around 2% of high school sweethearts end up actually getting married. And of course, this makes sense. Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are and they’re growing and changing really quickly and most of them realize they don’t want to commit to one person so young in life. Most often if one of both of the kids goes off to college, a break-up is inevitable anyway. Other studies show kids in high school or younger, just don’t have the relationship skills to maintain it very long. Bottom line – if you don’t like this person, if you just keep quiet and sit back – it’s likely not going to last very long anyway.

 

 

 

But I’m going to give you several things to consider when this issue comes up for you – when you just straight up don’t feel good about who your kid is dating or seeing or hanging out in a romantic way.

First, if your kid isn’t “dating” yet and of course, I know they all start saying their dating now in middle school – by the time they’re 11 they’re calling each other boyfriend or girlfriend. But if you’re kid is in middle school or even in the later elementary school grades – where they haven’t even started puberty yet…you need to start having short discussions about relationships, what healthy dating relationships look like, what red flags to watch out for like possessiveness, jealousy, keeping them from their friends, aggressiveness, non-consensual sexual touching. Begin talking to them about consent and sexting and all the issues around dating as soon as possible. This way, you’ll have built a foundation for them – so they can make wiser decisions on their own and so you’ll have conversations to refer back to if you see any red flags later. (we’ll talk about this in a few minutes)

If you haven’t yet had these conversations, start now, whether they’ve already started “dating” or not. I talked about teen dating violence in episode 17, about rape culture and consent in episodes 24 and 25, and about sexting in 32 and 33. I’ll link to all in the show notes.

And before we get into the do’s and don’ts when it comes to dealing with your teen dating someone you don’t approve of, let me remind you that your relationship (the attachment, the connection) with your kid is paramount here. Remember that. Other than their physical and mental well-being, it’s the most important thing. It’s how you’ll keep your influence in their life. Keep this top of mind. Make sure you’re supporting their autonomy by listening to their opinions – to what they have to say about everything – treating them with respect, not using punishments but helping them learn the skills they lack – acknowledging their feelings – never demanding or commanding them – stay away from an authoritarian style of parenting. So - your connection with them is your focus throughout.

 

Let’s talk about some specific Don’ts first:

Do not openly criticize the person they’re seeing. Remember that to criticize this person who they like – obviously – a lot…it’s like criticizing them personally because they’ve chosen this person as their person. So, you’re questioning their taste, their judgement, their opinion and perhaps even that they’re worthy of being liked by this person (who they think is just wonderful). On top of that, to criticize them in any, what shape or form is to threaten their autonomy and it will cause conflict – there will be fallout from that. So just don’t do it. And remember that even if you don’t say anything out loud, your kid can spot your attitude, your tone, facial expressions…you’ve got to make an effort here. And if you do criticize and later your kid figures it out for themselves, they’re going to be less likely to talk about it with you or to admit they need to let this person go. You don’t want that.

Lumped right I there with criticizing, of course is the lecture or the ultimatum, any sort of protesting you do regarding this other kid – it will all be met with push back and frankly, rebellion. Teens remember, are past being TOLD what to do. They are figuring out who they are and that includes figuring out what they want in a mate. So watch anything that looks like your are telling them what to do or questioning their judgment or backing them into a corner – the outcome will not be good for you. Even if they were on the fence about this person deep down, you’ve just pushed them 1000% over on their side.

The same goes for giving any sort of unsolicited advice. If they don’t ask for your advice, don’t even think about giving it. And even if they do ask for advice, they may not really want to hear what you truly think. Tread lightly here.

So, what can you do? Let me give you some things to consider.

 

As I said earlier, the likelihood this will be an everlasting relationship is really slim – so literally just hanging in there and biding your time will probably pay off. Trusting them to figure it out is usually the best way to deal with it.

Give them credit for being the kid you’ve raised. Making mistakes, remember, is a healthy part of growing and learning. No one gets through life without a few huge mistakes, and they can’t possibly figure out what they do want in a mate until they’ve sampled a few they didn’t want. You’ve got to kiss a few toads before finding the right prince – or princess. By allowing them to make their own mistakes, you support their autonomy, their independence, their self-confidence and self-esteem and keep your connection intact.

 

Doing a little introspection is also appropriate. Ask yourself why you don’t like this person – what is it, specifically about them that gives you pause or makes your skin crawl or makes you want to choke them? Examine this “stuff”. What is it – really? Are you being judgmental? Are they simply different from your kid? A different religion, race, political persuasion, socioeconomic status? What do those differences alone have to do with whether this person is acceptable to date? Remember – they’re likely not getting married here. So, what is it about them? Nail that down and see if it’s a legitimate concern for your child’s physical safety or mental health?

(and we’ll talk about that shortly) If it’s not, then you need to put it aside, and try, for your own relationship with your teen, to be accepting of their relationship – despite your judgements.

Try to give this boyfriend r girlfriend a fighting chance to show you they’re at least okay. Have your son or daughter invite them over - get them to your house as much as possible and make an effort to really get to know this kid. Especially, if you think they’re not the best of influence, keeping them close is the best idea. But be nice to them, make them feel truly welcome and show your kid you’re trying to accept this person and as you do, (and they loosen up with you), you may see they’re not so bad. Maybe you’ll find one or more redeeming qualities that will  help you relax until things most likely unravel. Maybe you’ve been judgmental or jumped to conclusions about them that were unwarranted. Maybe your son or daughter has more in common with them than you realize. If you find a positive quality, empathize with your teen about it to show you’re trying, “I can see why you like her, she’s really enthusiastic about World of Warcraft.”

If you’re still having a hard time figuring it out or finding the positive, ask your kid what they like about this person. And really listen and ask curiosity questions. See if they can be specific with you and try to put yourself in their shoes – empathize with them. And ask follow-up questions that prompt them to think about how they truly feel about some of these things. If they say, “Oh, I just love the way they make me feel” you can ask, well, what is that feeling? Or what is it they do that makes you feel good? But remember to ask in a non-judgmental, non-sarcastic tone with a smile on your face. You may learn something really interesting about your kid.

 

Now – remember a few minutes ago I said it would be really great to start young – even before middle school to talk about relationships, red flags, consent and that kind of thing. So, if you still have younger kids, you can do that. And if you’ve had some or all of these conversation with your older teenager, great. It will be a little more difficult to jump in to these things and talk about them without conflict if it’s the first time you’ve ever mentioned it – but there are ways to do it. Go back and listen to episode 17 on Teen Dating and Emotional Abuse – I’ll link to it in the Show Notes (you’ll find the link in the show description right where you’re listening). Towards the end of that episode 17 are tips for dealing with these emotionally abusive behaviors. And I put some great resources for discussing those thing with your teen, in the show notes for that episode.

I do a briefly mention of physical and sexual abuse or stalking in episode 17 as well – but the bottom line for those types of dangerous threats, - you do whatever you have to do to keep your kid safe and sort out your relationship with them later if it comes to that.

If you need help now, call the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 or go to loveisrespect.org to receive immediate confidential assistance.

To briefly recap:

Remember to have these conversations about dating and healthy relationships, consent, sexting – talk early with your younger kids – late elementary school or very early middle school.

Keep your relationship with your teen at the forefront of your mind with dealing with a touchy issue like who they’re in a romantic relationship with. But if they’re in danger, of course, their safety is the most important thing.

Don’t make comments or even use a tone that would be considered critical of the boyfriend or girlfriend

Don’t lecture, give them an ultimatum or give unsolicited advice. With any of these things you will threaten their autonomy, cause conflict and a rift in your relationship for a romantic partner that may be around only a few weeks but for your intervention.

Remember these things usually work themselves out – you need to trust your kid to eventually make the right decision for them. Because, ultimately, it’s their potential mistake to make.

Consider your thoughts and feelings about this person and see if they’re really fair. Get to know them, try to find the redeeming qualities, ask your about them and try to see what they see in them.

This stuff is hard. It is. Do your best. Stay calm. These things usually do end up working out in the end.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. I want to thank you for listening and as always, please let other people know about the podcast by giving it a 5-star review in your app – right now – just takes a few seconds. And you can write a review over in Apple – just scroll down on the page with all the episodes and tap write a review – that’s it. It will help potential listeners know it’s worth their time to jump on in.

Speaking of Teens is produced and directed by the best blues harmonica player around – Steve Coleman, and researched, written, and hosted by me, Ann Coleman.

Until next time, just be kind to everyone.