From Parent Camp Newsletter 6-5-24
If you’ve made it all the way through Section 4 then you should have a good grip on the what, when and how of consequences. But I want to reiterate a couple of things just in case.
This week there was a Facebook post in the group that garnered a lot of comments. Someone asked about whether or not she’d done the right thing by canceling her daughter’s 13th birthday party as a consequence.
I forget all the details but I think the child had drawn all over her test paper rather than taking the test (plus she was exhibiting typical teen behavior did not sit well with mom).
You can probably imagine what I said. There were also several parents who commented to say that she’d done the right thing.
So, (again, just to reiterate) here’s why I told her I would not do that and that it was not too late to walk it back.
First, the mom did not dig into or consider the “why” behind the child’s behavior. Is there an undiagnosed or diagnosed learning issue or developmental issues? Has there been a recent trauma like a divorce or death in the family? Does she have an undiagnosed or diagnosed mental health disorder?
There are a million reasons a kid may be acting out in this way but until you dig, you don’t know and without knowing, you can’t possibly know what to do in response (e.g., whether there should even be any consequences for the child’s actions).
Second, the child had already suffered the natural consequences of making an F or Zero on the test. We don’t pile on consequences.
Third, the consequences had absolutely nothing to do with the child’s actions. Taking away a birthday party does nothing to teach a kid not to sit and scribble on a test rather than taking it, right?
Discipline is about teaching your kid the skills they will need for adulthood, not punishing them (e.g., “I’ll TEACH you not to do that again!”)
And again, this is where the “why” comes in. What does the kid even need to learn here? How can you help if you have no idea what’s going on in your child’s head? If she has test anxiety, her mind could have completely blanked out when that paper was put in front of her (It’s happened to me plenty of times).
Let’s say that’s the case, does she need a “consequence”? No, she doesn’t. How is a consequence possibly going to help her get over her test anxiety?!
For test anxiety she would need tools and support to get through the test. Maybe she needs and IEP or 504 plan for accommodations at school.
Maybe the teacher can just let her take the test in a room alone. Maybe she needs to study the material more until she feels completely comfortable with it.
But if you’re taking away her birthday party for text anxiety…you’re pouring salt on the wound, you’re building animosity, insuring total disconnection with your kid. I know you see this.
The fourth thing I want to say about this is that you do not ever take something away from your kid that they can never get back. There’s always another way forward without taking away a prom, special event, party, or social.
There’s nothing your teen can do that should earn that punishment. No matter what they’ve done, do not do this to them. It will only guarantee your relationship will be horrible and their attitude and behavior will get 1000% worse.
If you’re having trouble coming up with logical consequences or allowing natural consequences, please come to a Meetup or post in the chat and let’s work through it.
Remember, discipline is not about punishment, it’s about teaching, supporting, helping them to do better next time.
And finally, remember that all misbehavior does not require a “consequence”!
You can have a congenial discussion (See Section 4) and help them figure out a way to avoid doing this thing (or to do the thing they should do) in the future.
And, you can always back up, apologize for not thinking first, and start over if you go too far. You will not lose your “authority” if you do this – you will gain your child’s respect!