From Parent Camp Newsletter 6-19-24
This might just be the #1 issue most parents have with their teens and tweens. And it can really wear you down. The question is how to address it so you don’t make things worse, start an argument, or build disconnection between you.
I recently addressed this issue with a member of the Facebook group. She said her son has no mental health issues, doesn’t get in trouble, has friends, etc. and is kind and polite to everyone but her. She said she’d ignored and ignored it but finally explained to him that when he acts like this towards her that it feels like they’re fighting when they’re not and that she doesn’t like that. But he just keeps doing it.
She was afraid that she was just perpetuating his behavior by taking him where he needs to go and continuing to do things for him when he treats her this way – but she didn’t want to “punish” the behavior. She was at a loss as to what to do.
I made it clear to her that she doesn’t have to keep ignoring it. Ignoring is always the best strategy if your teen is really emotional but you can always address it later after they’ve calmed down.
And if they’re not in the middle of an emotional meltdown when they’ve been impolite, you can either let it go in the moment or you can address it (with caution).
First, I would recommend examining the interaction to see if you can change anything in your behavior that might be triggering them to be rude. Remember, their amygdala sees threats everywhere so are you asking too many questions, demanding they do something “right now”, teasing them, etc.? Changing your behavior can often make the difference.
Is the snark just part of them doing what they’re supposed to do? In other words, do they grumble and then cooperate anyway? If so, you should really just ignore it and perhaps take a lighter or even humorous approach when this issue comes up again.
If it doesn’t appear to be your behavior or you’re so triggered that you simply cannot tolerate the attitude, then address with them in the moment…diplomatically and calmly. I can’t stress this enough. If you address their behavior with anger or indignance, you will make everything much worse and likely cause a blow-up.
You can address it in the moment by saying something like, “yikes, that stung” and if it’s really rude, something like, “let’s try that again, shall we?” Something short and non-aggressive is the best way to approach it.
If the behavior continues, you can talk to your teen (probably best to wait until the moment has passed) and say something like, “I really do not like it when you talk to me that way. It’s impolite, it hurts my feelings.”
If that doesn’t work, then the next time it happens, reiterate what you said before and add, that when they act that way, “it makes me not want to be all that nice and cooperative with you. If you keep doing it, I’m not inclined to keep doing the things you ask of me and I don’t want it to come to that.”
So, you’re letting them know that being nice is a two-way street and that when they’re unkind to you, it impacts your feelings and causes you not to want to be nice to them (meaning giving them money, taking the places, etc.)
I suggested to the Facebook group member to try that first and if it didn’t change his behavior, then says something like, “Okay, as I said when you’re not nice to me, it makes me much less inclined to do the things for you that you want from me….so, I tell you what, let’s give this 48 hours and if you can go without being rude to me for that time period I’ll be yours again. Sound fair?”
And for the 48 hours, if he asks you to do something, remind him that you’ve already said that you want him to show you he can be polite for a mere 48 hours and then you’re back to it.
Now, this might make things a little antagonistic between you two depending on the kid. But if you feel that you’ve tried your best to explain how you don’t like their snarkiness and you just can’t keep ignoring it, then you can always give this a try.