It’s one of the most widely discussed issues regarding teens today and it’s a problem none of us grew up with. We’re the first generation of parents dealing with this ever-present, confounding, equally amazing and dangerous thing…basically we can boil it down to smart phones but it’s computers, games, tablets – anything connected to the internet.

If the several generations of parents before us only knew how lucky they were at the time to only have to deal with sex, drugs and rock and roll.

We’re competing at a whole new level. We’re fighting something that has literally enslaved the minds of our kids, has taken advantage of their hyped up, dopamine-flooded reward system, and dares us to intervene. How can we help them utilize all the good technology can bring while avoiding the dangers? How do we reign in their neurobiology?

It can feel like such an uphill battle that I’ve seen many parents just given up – handed over the phone, the controller, the lap top and said, do what you want. With too many teens, trying to get them to put down their phone or put down their controller is like asking them to cut off their arm with a butter knife – they just fall apart. It’s so easy to see the addictive nature of these devices, when we attempt to limit them. And it’s so easy to just say – to heck with it, I can’t do this.

But unfortunately, we just don’t have that luxury. Some limitations are necessary if we want to insure their mental health and wellbeing. But not just limitations, we have to also talk to them about their online life, guide them, coach them – it’s just as necessary as teaching them how to brush their teeth and shower daily.

This is Ann Coleman attorney turned parent educator and mom to a kid who struggled during his teen years. You’re listening to Speaking of Teens, a twice-weekly science-informed podcast that helps you better understand, relate to, and parent your teen…without the conflict.

On today’s episode, the Family Media Plan – what it is, what to include and how it can help your teen (and the rest of the family) develop healthy screen habits.

Back in episode 54 I talked to you about the American Psychological Association and the Surgeon General’s social media advisories for teens. And in episode 55 I talked to you about the necessity to not only have external controls, supervision, monitoring and time limits, but you must also have ongoing instruction, coaching and discussions with them about online harm and how to protect themselves online. Please go back and listen to both of those episodes to get the bigger picture on these issues.

If you listened to either of those episodes, you heard me say that neither of those national advisories say there is anything inherently wrong with social media (or being online for that matter). The bottom line is that social media and the internet in general can be both good and bad based on the person using it, how they use it, and what’s experienced.

It’s really important to understand that every child is different and has different vulnerabilities and strengths and maturity levels and there’s no way of predicting 100% how using social media, or any other online or screen-based activity, will affect them. There’s not a specific set of rules that could apply to everyone - but there are some general guidelines, based on scientific research, common sense, and good parenting practices.

We have to use a combination of external controls like limiting apps they can download, limiting the time they’re on devices or social media, along with ongoing discussions about safety and best practices. It’s the combination that keeps them safe and healthy.

One of the Surgeon General’s recommendations that can help you sort your external controls and what you should be discussing with your teens (and younger kids)…is a Family Media Plan. It might take a little work up front, but it can give you an overall structure for everyone in the family to follow. Having a plan in place that is in writing, agreed-upon by everyone and can grow and be modified as all the kids grow and learn, is one of the best things you can do. It will help you avoid arguments and avoid constantly making decisions on the fly.

To formulate your plan, the Advisory suggests a free online tool by the American Academy of Pediatrics. And it really does a great job going through everything – and even has tips and suggestions for discussions with your kids built in. I briefly mentioned in in episode 55 and I’ll have a link in the show notes.

So, let’s talk about the 8 different priorities to address in your Family Media Plan. And let me remind you that you can read and print out the transcript from the show notes which are linked right there in the episode description where you’re listening.

1. Media Balance – Here we’re talking about how much of a role media plays in yours and your kid’s lives. Does it replace time you could be spending outdoors, with friends in person, playing sports, learning a hobby, volunteering, just chilling with the family. It’s incredibly important that we teach and model for our kids that screen time shouldn’t keep us from doing other healthy activities.
   1. For example, regular little everyday moments are so important to kids and teens. Doing things with us or even on their own, without screens, builds different muscles.

Try to work certain activities into each day that can be done without screens. Routine is good and helps everyone stay on target. Plan a walk or bike ride with the family each day at a certain time. Try making homemade pizza one night a week, together as a family. Family game night can be fun. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests making an activity jar with different ideas on pieces of paper to draw out at random.

2. And be sure to model good behavior here. Your mental health can also get a boost if you turn off the phone and simply be fully present for your kids. Make it a rule for yourself. No talking on the phone on the way to school or in the car on the way home. Certainly no checking the phone in the car at all. When with your kids, try to be 100% present.
3. You can also track everyone’s online activity (including your own) to see how much time everyone spends in certain apps every week. Sometimes we don’t even realize how much time we waste. I’ll have the link in the show notes for both Apple Screen Time and Google Family Link to show you how, just in case. As the APA points out here, as I discussed in the previous episodes, setting up parental control without discussion, teaching and coaching is a bad idea. And actually, research has shown that these external controls, used without coaching, will cause teens more harm. Go back again and listen to episode 55. I’ll have a link in the show notes to Common Sense Media’s Guide to Parental Controls – lists of things like website blocking, controls for phones, etc. But as Common Sense Media points out, the directions for how to get around these parental control apps are instantly available to kids. Which is the reason why you cannot depend on these external controls alone. They don’t hurt but the best way is discussing, coaching, and teaching your kid. And, as a reminder, you never want to put a control on your kid without discussing it with them first and getting their buy in. Remember to support their autonomy, otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for rebellion because they will find out eventually.
4. Get in the habit of turning off screens when you’re not actually paying attention to them. The television for example. I know some people like to just keep it on in the background for noise or company or they just forget to turn it off. But this can distract from other learning, connection and can feel quite chaotic for some kids and teens.
5. Try to get your teen involved in community activities, volunteer work, a part-time job, going to the gym, anything that will take the place of screens.
6. Keep gaming consoles in common areas (I know that’s hard with all the noise boys can make on them but it’s a great way to monitor), learn how to play the games and play them with them as much as you can, be sure to talk to them about who they play with and what information they give out. For more on gaming issues, listen to episode 45.
7. Help them realize when they may be picking up their phone or other device just to tune out of their feelings – to not think about something uncomfortable. Help them learn how to deal with uncomfortable emotions rather than avoid them. Take a listen to episode 6 for some help with that and download my free guide, “10 Keys to Unlock Your Teen’s Emotional Intelligence” – the link is in the episode description right where you’re listening.
8. Communicating about Media – again, coaching, discussing, at different times and in different places in shorts bursts should definitely be one of your top priorities.
   1. Make sure to use open and judgement-free communication about what they see online and even ask them when they think a good time would be to discuss it each day; you could do it at dinner and get everyone to say if they say anything interesting, funny, something that made them mad, etc.
   2. Be sure they feel safe coming to you if they are bullied online or someone approaches them about something uncomfortable. Sextortion happens often without the parents ever knowing what’s going on. Kids are often asked to send explicit photos to other kids. Be sure they trust you to tell you things so you can help them. The way to do that is to make sure your connection is strong. We have other episodes on many of these things that I’ll sure and list in the show notes.
   3. When you’re online yourself – on your phone, let your kids and teens know what you’re doing. Try to not be on there when you’re supposed to be doing something with them, but if you have to, let them know what and why.
   4. Communicate about online advertising and how it’s often disguised as an article or an influencer may do something in a sponsored video that’s not clearly marked as advertising. Let them know how these tricks are used to influence them to do things like vape, diet, smoke weed and everything else.
   5. Talk to them about the harms of social media in particular – I talked about these in episode 55 but I’ll list them briefly here as well:
      1. Make sure they know that social media doesn’t always reflect what people think in real life
      2. Teach them how to decipher the truth from misinformation and disinformation – I’ll have some links for you in the show notes

• Teach them that likes actually don’t mean much – it’s more an automatic response – on some apps they can even be turned off now

1. Explain what problematic social media use looks like (and let them know you’ll need to regularly screen them for any signs that their social media is interfering with their ability to engage in their regular life). These specific indicators came out of a study published in 2021 in the Child Development Journal:
   1. a tendency to keep using social even when they want to stop or know it’s interfering with daily tasks,
   2. doing everything they can to make sure they have continuous access to social media,
   3. strong cravings to use social,
   4. repeatedly spending more time on social than intended,
   5. lying or being deceptive to maintain access to social media, and
   6. loss or disruption of relationships or educational opportunities because of social media use., and
   7. restriction of opportunities to practice in-person interactions – or the avoidance of personal interactions

If they show any of these signs, it may be time to seek professional help to reign it back in.

3. Another priority in your Family Media plan is Kindness and Empathy – Teaching (and again, modeling) kids about our expectations for how they treat others both off and online. As soon as they’re online and interacting with others they should already know what’s expected of their behavior towards others. And so many people hide behind their phone or their keyboards and treat others horribly online. They say and do things online they’d likely never consider doing in real life.
   1. Help your kids understand they are talking to real human beings online and that being online doesn’t allow them to behave with any less kindness and empathy.
   2. Talk to them about online harassment, exclusion and cyberbullying – let them know these things hurt just as bad online as they do in person
   3. Teach them to wait 24 hours before they post something under the influence of a strong negative emotion. If they’re angry, waiting 24 hours will allow them to think before they act. Teach them to ask themselves during that time, “would I say this if the person were standing in front of me?” “would I say this if my grandmother were standing beside me?” “would I say it in front of the whole school?”
   4. Show them examples of what not to do or say online – they’re certainly easy to find, even among adults in Facebook groups or Reddit.
   5. Talk about what to do in different situations regarding cyberbullying. Teach them of course to never be the bully but also teach them what to do if they’re the target or victim and what to do if they witness it. They need to know this stuff in advance. I have more about this in episode 55.
   6. Teach them to be polite and considerate online and to others in real life even when they’re using a screen.
4. Digital Privacy and Safety – Be sure teens know that the internet and social media apps weren’t set up with teen or kid safety in mind. Some sites and apps are like walking down a dark alley in the middle of the city at night, alone. Some are like walking down a road in a 3^rd world country in a crime riddled neighborhood with a sign on your back that says “target”.
   1. Making sure everyone knows how to be safe online is a top priority. Having specific rules about what sites and apps they can use is important but they need to know why – remember the discussion.
   2. They need to understand the concept of oversharing and again, why is critical not to. I mentioned in episode 55 and it bears repeating here – a huge 8-country study on cyberhate also looked at whether sharing personal information online made teens more vulnerable to becoming a victim of some sort of online harm – and this study along with others before it, found it absolutely does. When teens share their name, intimate photos and more online, it’s been shown to increase the risk for becoming a victim of cyberbullying, sexual victimization, cybergrooming victimization, online harassment, phishing, hacking, identify theft, and targeting by cyberhate. They need to understand to share nothing and to be careful about what they mention, what’s in their photos, the type of shirt they wear. People have been known to be tracked down because they’re wearing a shirt from their school, or they have a banner or something hanging in the background in their room that could pinpoint their location. They need to watch everything.
   3. Other studies have shown that the more time they spend online the more likely they are to become a victim of some kind. Other activities that can make them vulnerable; talking to strangers, clicking on unfamiliar links, doing anything illegal themselves, posting something to be mean or make someone jealous or angry, sexting, giving out private information anonymously, and being the bully or harasser.
   4. Teach them how to spot spammers in their DMs, how to be careful of what the click on in social media because the algorithm can feed them more or things that are related but negative. Ask them to always come to you when they see or read anything extreme online – social media challenges, crazy diets or conspiracy theories (explain what that means!) If they trust you to tell you, you can prevent much of the harm.
   5. Make sure all their apps have their correct age – this can help a bit in what shows up in their feed (it’s better than if they say they’re 25!)
   6. Make sure their privacy settings are the most private they can be. No one should be able to see your child’s information without them being a real friend in real life.
   7. And make absolutely certain they understand the danger of talking to anyone they aren’t 100% sure that they’ve already met in person and are their No strangers. Explain sextortion. Explain people pretend to be their age ALL THE TIME. Explain why. They’re old enough to be told the truth about these horrible people so they will actually be more careful. Otherwise, they’ll just think your being overprotective.
5. Screen Free Times – Ah, this is the one all parents fixate on - and rightly so. For instance, we know that kids who spend more than 3 hours a day on social media have worse mental heath than those who spend less than 3 hours and when you consider that 95% of kids between 13 and 17 are on social media with more than a third of them saying they use it “almost constantly” – screen time has to be a huge part of the equation. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests
   1. Having specific days and times for screen use in your house so you can avoid the constant battle. Of course, screen time applies to everyone.
   2. You could decide that certain days are screen free – and you might add a “but for”, like but for TV or but for movies with the family or but for homework that’s to be done in a common area. Maybe Sunday would be good as a screen detox day or screens only between 10 am and 2 pm. It’s all up to you to talk to your kids and come up with a plan to works for everyone. Then write it down and be sure everyone has a copy or it’s posted somewhere everyone can see it. We all need breaks from the screens.
   3. What about homework? It works best for most families to have no screentime until after homework is done. Of course, sometimes they’re using screens to do their homework. In that case, you might just have to keep a close eye on things or use some app like Bark or Aura to control certain apps if doing it on their phone for some reason. But if they’re doing it on a computer, remove the phone and make sure they keep all tabs closed other that what they’re working on. I know – easier said than done.
   4. And then you’ll want to have another very hardline on what time all screens are turned off and the phone is taken out of the bedroom to charge in a room where they can’t sneak it.
   5. Teach kids to silence phones when anything else requires their full attention.
6. Screen Free Zones – This can be as important as screen free times.
   1. You can make the bedroom a screen-free zone,
   2. the dinner table for all meals together
   3. The car screen on short trips around town so everyone can talk to each other instead of staring at screens.
   4. Wherever your family agrees should be maintained for personal conversation or other activities.
   5. Certainly, when your teen starts to drive, they should know they cannot even glance at their phone and there are ways to turn on the do not disturb to come on automatically in the car.
   6. Also help your kid come up with ways to comply with the schools screen policy
7. Choosing Good Content – Helping your kid decide which apps, YouTube channels, video games and TV shows to consume is a major responsibility. You have to help them make good choices and help them understand when they realize that content doesn’t make them feel good that they have the responsibility to themselves to stop following it.
   1. Talk to them about being very intentional with their screen use. In other words, instead of just grabbing the phone when they’re bored, to pick it up only when they need to communicate with someone or check something. Help them focus on certain goals.
   2. Talk about what apps make them feel bad about themselves or even which accounts and help them set their own boundaries to avoid those things, delete the app or limit use.
   3. Help them identify apps about their interests, apps that teach them something. My son is learning how to play chess with an app he just downloaded.
   4. Do what you can to make sure they can’t download just any app they want. If you can start them out knowing they need to get permission first, that’s great. But if you need to, you can use external controls.
   5. Talk to them about spending money in apps and just to be on the safe side remove your credit card from the app store.
8. Using Media Together – When you take the opportunity to watch a video together or learn something online together, have movie night or play a game together, this is using screen time effectively for your family and can actually build that connection between you and your kids.
   1. Watch their favorite show or YouTube Channel with them and laugh even if you think it’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever see. I actually got the point where I kind of liked Spongebob.
   2. Make a certain night family movie night – rotate and give each family member a chance to choose the movie or come up with a long list of movies everyone approves and let a different family member pick each movie night. And it’s a good idea to leave all phones turned off and in another room during the movie.
   3. See if you can get them to watch a documentary with you every now and then or a show like Web of Lies or Undercover Underage on the Investigation Discovery Channel that tackles online issues with teenagers. You could just accidentally have one on when they’re passing through the room – maybe exclaim about something to get them interested. This is a great way to tackle issues without having a big formal discussion (which you shouldn’t do no matter what). It just opens up all sorts of opportunities for asking questions and getting them to open up.

Now that I’ve given you this enormous list of action items and priorities to include in your massive Family Media Plan, let me just say this:

1. Don’t feel guilty if your youngest is 17 and a half and you haven’t done any of this with any of your kids. Are they doing okay? Then you did okay. Are they anxious or depressed using substances? Their online activity alone likely did not cause that. Do not feel like you’ve somehow screwed your kid up. Because here’s the thing – the science highlighted in the surgeon general’s advisory show that there are a lot of factors that play into whether or not social media is going to negatively impact an adolescent’s mental health – things like, the amount of time they spend on it, the type of content they consume, the activities and interactions on the platform, the degree to which it keeps them from things like exercise and sleep, their individual strengths and vulnerabilities (like pre-existing mental health issues) and cultural, historical and socio-economic factors.
2. As a working mom myself, I know full well how daunting a task this may seem. So, take it one little step at a time. Talk about the larger issues first – screen free times and screen free zones. Agree on that, practice for a few days, while you have small discussions about other things and then add something else. Don’t make it this overwhelming enormous task.
3. Don’t pay attention to other parents – just stop. I’ve heard it all – my kid has never gone on a porn site – my kid would never sneak their phone behind my back – if that were MY kid, I’d do XYZ. This is hard for everyone – no kid is perfect – we’re all doing the best we can. Keep your blinders on in this regard.
4. Do what you can, make sure to talk to your kids about the dangers, put in place all the supports and controls after discussing them and keep your best eye on them. This won’t last forever. That’s the good news and the bad news.

So, there you have it – get busy and start making that Family Media Plan. Be sure and go back and listen to episodes 54 and 55 and tap that link in the description right where you’re listening now to check resources in the show notes and to read or print the transcript of today’s show.

And thank you so much for being here today – I really appreciate your support and I hope you got something out of the episode. If you did, and you haven’t already, would you mind leaving us a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple and maybe say something nice on Apple? If you do, and send a screen shot of it to acoleman@neurogility.com I’ll read it on air and I’ll put you in the hat for a drawing for a copy of any book on my booklist. I’ll wait until I get 10 reviews to draw so come on – let’s do it.

Speaking of Teens is sponsored by neurogility.com, where I help parents build stronger relationships and decrease conflict with their teens.

Our producer and editor is Steve Coleman; researched, written, and hosted by me, Ann Coleman.

Bye for now!