From Parent Camp Newsletter 5-8-24
Have you heard me say that I actually nailed my son’s bedroom window shut (for just a few hours) when he was sneaking out. Yeah, not one of my proudest parenting moments.
I talk about rules, discipline and consequences in Section 4 of The Field Guide. And the main thing I want you to remember when your teen does something wrong (makes a mistake) is that your goal is not to scare them into “behaving” by punishing or “consequencing” them.
Your goal is to figure out the “why” behind their behavior so you can address the real issue. Ask questions – start with “what happened?” and lean into their reasoning behind their actions.
Once you get to the bottom of it, you’ll need to help them learn the skills they need so they don’t make the same mistake again (this includes helping them work around the issue).
These skills could be anything from learning to get out of a bad situation without being embarrassed to simply figuring out a way to remember something.
And a couple of general skills they often need to learn are empathy, and perspective taking.
You can help them with empathy and perspective taking, by letting your teen know how their behavior impacted you and anyone else, emotionally. But you need to keep the focus on the behavior rather than them, personally.
You do this by using “I statements”. For example, “When I got the phone call, I was so nervous and afraid that something had happened to you.”
If other people were impacted, you could go on to say something like, “Your sister spent the night asking me if you’d gotten home yet. She was terribly worried and upset. She loves you so much.”
Be careful not to use words that only sound like emotions but are really just filled with blame (e.g., “I felt ignored.” Ignored is not an emotion)
You want them to consider how their actions were not just about them.
They’re not going to get this if you use “you statements”, shaming, blaming, guilting, sarcastic language like, “You were so selfish to do this to all of us. I hope you had a great time at our expense.” “Why do you things like this?” “Can you not see how upsetting this is to all the rest of us when you do this?” “Do you have any idea what you put us through?
These types of statements only build antagonism, put them on the defensive and push them away from you instead of building connection. And when they’ve made a mistake, just like when they’re experiencing unpleasant emotions, it’s an opportunity for connection.
And of course, take a deep breath first and regulate your own emotions. You’ve got this!