From Parent Camp Newsletter 5-29-24
Something I don’t feel I’ve talked enough about is “rupture and repair”. Rupture in the relationship with our kids happens when we want one thing, and they want another – a situation where our parental authority clashes with their need for autonomy. A more toxic type of rupture occurs when we yell, punish, shame, are sarcastic, etc.
We must be aware of when these ruptures occur so we can repair them and find out way back to connection and collaboration with our kids. The more ruptures that occur without repair, (and by the way, we can’t avoid them) the deeper the disconnection will be and the harder it will be to get that connection back.
As Dr. Dan Siegel points out in his book, Parenting From The Inside Out, “Parents don’t always like their children or feel positively towards them, especially when their children are acting in ways that make the parents’ life more difficult.” Amen, Dan!🙌
But he points out that when we beat ourselves up about this and feel shame about how angry we get, that it can prevent us from trying to repair the rupture, which leads to deeper disconnection. Being aware of this can help you find your way back to reconnection.
He suggests being kinder and more empathetic to yourself (“What would I say to a friend feeling this way?”) and trying to find more balance in your own emotions (“It’s okay that I’m angry, I don’t need to feel guilty about that”).
To be continually striving for perfection and feeling shame and anger at yourself for not reaching that goal is pointless. This keeps you so wrapped up in your own emotional world that you can’t possibly think about how to repair the disconnection with your teen.
Instead, use that energy to explore how to get that connection back – how to repair.
Repair involves calming and centering yourself, checking yourself to see where your thoughts and emotions came from during the exchange, owning your behavior and apologizing for it if it was toxic, and going through the emotion coaching process with them to acknowledge their experience.
I’ll be including lessons on “rupture and repair” in the new Section 3 of The Field Guide.
In the meantime, if you’d like to read more about this, you can grab Dan’s book (specifically, Chapter 8) and any of the others on my recommended book list. (the list also includes books for your teens)