From Parent Camp Newsletter 5-15-24
I’m currently working on revamping Section 2 and just yesterday worked on a new lesson about confirmation bias that I’d like to share a little of today. Section 2, if you recall, is all about your thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
And cognitive biases and distortions, that happen without us even realizing it, are something we have to be really careful of when parenting. The key is to become aware of these different types of thinking errors so you can change them (which will also change your emotions and your behavior).
Confirmation bias happens when we’ve formed an opinion about something. Our brains are wired to then look for evidence to reinforce this belief and find reasons to ignore or simply not believe any facts to the contrary.
Professionals like detectives, judges, doctors, etc. all are good examples of why confirmation bias can be so dangerous. A detective may decide someone’s guilty and then only look for evidence to support that conclusion while ignoring witnesses, other suspects and any other evidence that could lead them down a different road. A doctor may do this with a diagnosis.
So, confirmation bias can lead intelligent, well-meaning people to believe something that simply is not true and overlook warning signs, red flags, important information, and evidence that could help them make better decisions.
And parents are certainly no exception.
For example, let’s say your 13-year-old daughter makes a comment about her “crappy phone” this morning and tonight she makes a snide comment about you serving dinner on paper plates. You decide she’s spoiled and entitled. Tomorrow, you hear her make a comment about “not being caught dead in anything from that store” and it just confirms that bratty, entitled kid theory.
After that you start seeing evidence of her entitlement issue every day.
She asks you to please not pull up to the front of the school in your “lame” car. She asks why you can’t dress “a little less embarrassingly”. She proclaims that she “cannot possibly wear those off-brand shoes to school”.
So, you start trying to control the entitlement out of her. You issue new rules about the clothes she’s allowed to buy, who she can hang out with (because it’s that rich girl down the street causing this), and you insist that she wear those shoes.
Everything becomes an argument.
But the objective fact is that your teen is perfectly normal, individuating, looking for acceptance from peers, and is embarrassed by everything – all typical and understandable teen behaviors – not at all entitled or spoiled (and not to be dealt with in this way).
Learn to challenge your assumptions and watch out for confirmation bias.