From Parent Camp Newsletter 5-1-24
When my son was little, I kept a daily journal and chronicled everything that happened every single day. But I did strategically omit one rather traumatic event; the time when he was just over a year old and I accidentally gave him a double dose of Syrup of Ipecac.
I thought he’d eaten the “pretty mushrooms” and in my panic, I misunderstood poison-control’s directions for the Ipecac (yes, this was when they still told parents to use this stuff). There was nothing we could do but watch him vomit for almost 10 hours straight.
One of the worst days of my life. But I somehow managed to let it go.
We all screw up. We all struggle. What good does it do anyone to beat ourselves up about it?
How often do you beat yourself up? As parents, we often ruminate over our own shortcomings and screw-ups. Maybe you could benefit from a little “self-compassion”.
Dr. Kristin Neff, the researcher who coined the term says that “having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others.”
To have compassion for someone, you notice they’re suffering in some way, you have compassion for them rather than pity (you realize it could just as easily be you) and you treat them with kindness, support, understanding.
So, to have self-compassion, you must give yourself this same compassion when you’re struggling or suffering through something.
You must be mindful of your own feelings.
Accept your feelings, without getting stuck in the negativity.
You must recognize the common humanity of suffering.
Accept that being imperfect, having struggles and suffering are simply part of being human that we can’t escape.
You must treat yourself with kindness.
Avoid self-criticism and be warmer and more supportive with your self-talk.
As Dr. Neff has shown in her research, when we have compassion for ourselves, we have better mental health, better physical health, we’re more motivated, and can generally handle life better. And the opposite is also true. If we’re harsh, self-critical and are constantly beating ourselves up, we’re simply making our life harder than it has to be.
Struggles, big feelings, suffering, screwing up…all if it is a consistent part of life. We can’t wish it away, we can’t avoid it, because it is life. Accept your humanness. Be compassionate towards yourself, all your flaws, all your mess-ups and your big feelings. We’re literally all in this together.
To learn more about mindful self-compassion, visit the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.
To read the research go here. Take the test to see how self-compassionate you are. Also check out mindful self-compassion for high school students.