I was a family law attorney for nearly a dozen years. I represented both husbands and wives and even acted as guardian for children during their parent’s divorces.

I saw wonderful, loving, people (parents) at their very worst, both during and after the divorce.

I wasn’t a parent myself yet when I started practicing and it was pretty shocking to me how even the most well-meaning parents can act like children themselves.

They can be selfish, stubborn, and obstinate and cause so much avoidable harm to their kids, when any other time, under any other circumstances, they wouldn’t consider doing this stuff.

Divorce really makes people lose their minds a bit.

Episode Intro

So, today, I’m not going to talk to you about how divorce itself messes up your kids… because that’s just not necessarily the case.

Instead, I want to talk to you about what I’ve personally seen parents do during and after the divorce that does cause harm to kids – to teens…and how you can do better.

So, settle in with me – I’m about to get really blunt with you.

 

You’re listening to Speaking of Teens, a weekly show to help you better understand and parent your teen or tween.

I’m Ann Coleman, and after surviving a couple of difficult years with my teenage son, I decided to make the leap from practicing law into the science of parenting teens and tweens. I want to make sure you have the skills I was sorely lacking.

 

If you’ve already decided to get a divorce, have just recently divorced, or have even been divorced for a while, I know you want to limit the negative impact on your kids.

And it’s a really good thing you’re here, because the research tells us that what happens after the divorce can have a more negative impact on your kids than any conflict they witnessed during the marriage.

Let that sink in for a minute. We always think that it’s worse for kids to be in the middle of a horrible marriage, when in fact, it’s all the stuff that happens after the divorce that causes the most harm.

And teens and tweens present particular challenges both during and after a divorce.

Research tells us that younger kids actually do better with their parents’ divorce than adolescents.

That’s because once they hit puberty, they’re going through so many changes -  neurobiologically, emotionally, and physically.

They’re already highly emotional, moody, embarrassed, and self-conscious, focused on what their peers think of them, trying hard to fit in, stressed out, and prone to engage in all sorts of risky behaviors. Then you throw divorce on top of that, and things can get a bit dicey.

Remember, I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty. Divorce is a fact of life for 40% of kids in this country, and there are plenty of things you can do to minimize the impact of the divorce on your teen or tween.

I’ll talk about those in just a minute…but first, I want to share with you something I’ve always use to explain to divorce clients who are moms…

I want you to see yourself as having 3 separate roles:

There’s you as the individual, separate and apart from your spouse or kids, with your own personal needs and desires.

There’s you as the spouse or ex-spouse, and those emotional, financial, and relationship issues.

Then there’s you as the parent – with all the emotional responsibilities and obligations to your kids – your teen or tween.

Obviously, from your perspective, these roles overlap, but if you want to do what’s best for your kids, you’re going to need to learn to keep them separate.

Let me explain:

As an individual, your highest-level emotional needs have come first. If you stay in an unhappy marriage, you probably can’t be the best parent. So, just deciding to divorce, you’ve taken care of your individual emotional needs so you can better address your role as a parent.

But from here on out, you’ll have to at least consider putting at least some of your individual needs aside. You’ll have to separate those needs from your role as parent.

You’ll also have to keep your role as a divorcing spouse separate from your role as a parent.

Try to see this divorce from your teen’s point of view.

They’ve only ever known you and your spouse (their other parent) as parents.

Seeing their parents as individuals, as spouses, with responsibilities, rights, needs, wants and desires, is a foreign concept to them. You’re mom. You’re dad. They love you as mom and dad.

AND, they didn’t ask for any of this. Your biggest and most important responsibility now is to THEM…to the protection of their mental, emotional, and physical health.

So keeping your individual needs and your needs and responsibilities as a spouse out of your parenting role is a basic guiding principle you need to adopt for your kids’ best interest.

You’ll see what I mean soon.

Let’s talk about 6 specific areas where you can diminish the impact of this divorce on your teen or tween. This is based on my own experience, and backed up by research, therapists, and other experts:

First, remember your kid is not your counselor, not your BFF, not your attorney and not your witness.

No matter how mature you think they are and no matter how bad you need to vent or talk to someone about the divorce, do not share personal feelings or issues between you and your spouse with your kid.

It’s not only unfair, it’s completely inappropriate and way too much of a burden on them – no matter how old they are.

Research has shown these types of disclosures are psychologically distressful and can lead to adjustment difficulties.

So, this is what I mean by keeping your role as an individual and a divorcing spouse separate from your role as a parent. Your child, no matter their age, is still your child. They love both you and their other parent.

Even if your teen seems fine and seems to be adjusting well, even if the divorce was long-coming and better for everyone…they are grieving – the family they had or could have had. Be aware of this and adjust your expectations of them.

Your teen worries that if they tell you how they really feel, they’ll hurt your feelings, make you feel guilty, make you sad or worse. And they don’t want to do anything to jeopardize your happiness.

Even beyond wanting to ensure your happiness, they feel guilty for being angry or frustrated about the divorce, for wanting you to stay together or for wanting to be happy themselves.

They long for the happy family fairytale and feel like everyone else has it. They feel all alone even though their friends have gone through the exact same thing.

These conflicting feelings are complicated for them and what they need from you is for you to listen to them, be there for them, reassure them as much as possible, let them know they’re not responsible for you or your happiness. And just tell them how all of this is going to affect their day-to-day life – that’s enough.

If they happen to ask about the details (finances or visitation or fault) you can tell them that you and their other parent are handling the details and that you will let them know anything you feel they need to know – things that will impact them directly. Otherwise, let them know it’s not their place to worry about the details.

I’ve seen too many parents give their kids too much information. It’s sad for the child and it’s selfish and destructive behavior on the part of the parent. Please don’t do it.

 

Another huge DON’T is never, ever, ever, bad-mouth the other parent.

This is one of THE most distressful issues for kids and teens during a divorce.

No matter how angry you are, no matter how bad they hurt you, no matter how much of an asshole they are, they are still your child’s parent.

Your kid loves them, and you should never interfere with that bond.

Other than the rare circumstances when it’s physically or mentally dangerous for kids to have a relationship with the other parent, they need that parent in their life and they will fare better if they maintain a close relationship, without interference from you (whether on purpose or inadvertent).

Not only is it unfair and emotionally destructive to your kid for you to say mean or derogatory things about their other parent, many courts take a strong stand against alienation and you could shoot yourself in the foot regarding custody or visitation.

Trust me, I know how hard this can be. I know how horrible some people are during the marriage. I know how difficult they can make the divorce. So, I know how hard it is to bite your tongue, not roll your eyes, not say negative things to other people in front of your kids, to act pleasant, or exchange niceties with an ex you can’t stand to look at.

But I also know you’d do anything for your child. You’d give up your life for your child. So, you can remain civil, positive even, and be the adult – the best parent you can be.

And, by the way, you should also let your friends and your parents know you’ve made this rule: no negative comments, tone of voice or body language when it comes to the other parent – period and no grilling them for information.

There are another couple of closely related issues worth mentioning here.

First, don’t ask your teen for information about your ex, “Who was that I saw dad with the other day?” “Did mom get a new job?”, “Did dad get his bonus this week?”, “Where did you guys go for dinner?” If you want this kind of information, ask the ex. Don’t put your teen on the spot like this – treating them as a spy.

The flip side of this issue is asking your teen to keep secrets from the other parent; “Don’t tell your dad about all the stuff I’m selling on etsy.”, “Don’t tell your mom about my big bonus.”

Just remember your kids are not to be put in the middle in any way, shape, or form. Period.

Next - One of the biggest issues during a divorce with kids is custody and visitation. I could discuss custody issues for an entire episode so let’s save that and talk about visitation right now.

Something I’ve seen so many times is that parents don’t understand that visitation is not about what’s fair for the parent.

A visitation schedule, whether agreed upon by the parents or court-imposed, is to make sure the child maintains a close relationship with both parents.

To be fair to the kid and to put their best interests first, many times a parent must put their needs aside. Again, putting your individual interests on the backburner and doing what’s best as the parent.

Being flexible and understanding regarding visitation is better for your teenager.

Just because a certain schedule is in a document, does not mean you are required to stick to it, if both parents agree otherwise.

That court document is a fallback, a default, if the two of you disagree, you go to that document and are required by law to do what it says.

But if you can work out other arrangements that make it better for your child to maintain a good relationship with both parents, then by all means, do it.

Don’t be one of these letter-of-the-agreement parents. Things happen. Plans change both for parents and teens.

And with a teenager, there are many more issues to work through regarding visits.

As you know, there are more extracurricular activities and activities with friends. So, doing the every other weekend and one night during the week thing (or whatever the schedule is) will be much more challenging.

Your teen is going to chime in with their opinion about what they want to do and where they want to go.

Both you and the other parent must accept that it’s perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate for their friends to become the most important thing in their life as they hit puberty.

This means friends take priority over seeing EITHER parent. This has nothing to do with the divorce – it’s simply the way it is.

Of course, the problem is, this usually works out that the custodial parent ends up seeing the kid more because they live with them.

It’s usually the non-custodial parent who ends up feeling they get the short end of the stick.

So, if you’re the custodial parent, this is where your communication with the non-custodial parent, and your flexibility comes into play. Learn to put your individual needs and your issues as a divorced or divorcing spouse aside and think of your kids first – be the parent that does what’s best for your kid.

This could mean rearranging weekends, letting the non-custodial parent swing by and pick up them up for dinner or to go shoot hoops.

Remain flexible about when and how to accomplish non-custodial visits. Your disdain for the other parent, not wanting to “give” them time with their kids, or making a big deal about it with your kids, is only harming the kids…and potentially your relationship with them.

Making sure your teenager maintains a strong relationship with their parent, is a selfless endeavor. How you feel about the other parent is completely irrelevant, keep reminding yourself it’s not about you. Your child LOVES them, and they deserve to spend time with them. They deserve you to be as flexible as possible and to allow the other parent access to them as much as possible.

If you’ve had issues with visitation up until now, work with a counselor and get these issues straightened out now. Learn to communicate and make concessions and decisions on the fly.

This brings me to the next issue - Clear and Direct Communication with the other parent, which is now even more important than during the marriage, and obviously, even more difficult.

And, yes, I know, if you could communicate well, you probably wouldn’t be divorced. But again, we’re talking about making sure your teen is safe and learning how to be responsible and independent. You CAN do this.

Of course, it’s best to start out from day one communicating openly and putting your kids first.

Enter this pact with your ex or soon-to-be ex at the very beginning. Vow to make communicating about your kids a top priority.

Just because you two don’t want to be married anymore, doesn’t mean you aren’t both still their parents.

Despite any wrongdoing during the marriage, both of you are still their parents and they deserve to have you communicating well and making their life as easy and as stable as possible. Make this commitment to your kids to communicate well with their other parent.

I’ve seen so many parents, because they don’t like communicating with each other (or can’t seem to do it with arguing) get more and more comfortable with using their kids or teens as messengers or intermediaries – a way to communicate with the other parent about all sorts of issues that the kids have no business knowing.

Please don’t do this. First of all, it’s simply not fair to put a kid of any age in the middle of you and your ex, no matter the issue.

You’re the adults and you need to communicate directly like adults. You can text if you must, but I think speaking to each other directly is much better to avoid misunderstandings.

You’ve got to figure out a way to put your individual needs aside, put your role as the divorcing spouse aside and be the parent - talk to the other parent, rise above the BS and do your job.

If you need help or your ex needs help with that, I suggest seeing a counselor together - because your child is counting on both of you.

Next let’s discuss an area where this direct and open communication is super important - consistency in the rules and consequences between both parents’ houses.

There’s nothing more confusing and frankly dangerous than having different rules and consequences at the two houses. This is probably the most important reason to clearly and directly communicate with your ex.

Now, I’m not gonna’ lie, ongoing communication and agreeing on how to parent a teenager is extremely difficult even when parents are married!

Obviously, when you’re divorced or divorcing it’s much more difficult. And when you throw in a stepparent or a girlfriend or boyfriend, stepsiblings, it can be even more difficult. Issues will come up constantly and communication will be paramount.

I suggest making a list of issues you anticipate coming up in the next year or so and sit down with your ex to agree in theory on how to address them (things like curfews, parties, dating, phone use, and whatever else you can think of).

Then, most importantly, you, your ex and your teenager can sit down and go over everything together. Agree on the rules and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules.

Showing your teen you two are working together with their significant input, can stop many problems before they even start.

Of course, here’s the thing to remember, the rules are going to need to change now and then and new issues are going to pop up all the time, so the most important thing is to keep open communication between you and your ex, so you can address these things together (or at least be on the same page in principal so if one of you needs to make a decision on the fly, it’s likely the other will agree and back the other parent up).

Just communicating about and coordinating where they’re going to be and when, is a big deal. If communication falters here, your teen could end up wherever they want, whenever they want. And that’s truly risky.

I will tell you, without a doubt, if you and your ex don’t work together on this, your child will suffer.

They’ll have no clear guidelines to follow, they’ll play you and the other parent against each other, there’ll be confusion, evasion, and manipulation to spare.

It’s not fair to your kid to allow the anger, frustration or jealousy between you and their other parent, derail their adolescence.

This is the most important time in the world to them for forming their sense of self and building a base for their direction in life…you and your ex owe them to get along and agree on how to parent them during these years they’re still at home with you.

Next, let’s talk about you and your ex starting to date other people. Trust me, this is a huge sore spot for your teenager.

If you’re going to date after your divorce, but before your children leave home, you need to set some ground rules.

Of course, it would be best if you and your ex could agree on these ground rules but if not, at least you can abide by them.

Dating after a divorce, when you have kids – especially teenagers - is a mine field.

According to teens, parental dating is one of the most uncomfortable issues for them regarding the divorce (next to bad mouthing the other parent).

First, seeing a parent dating is disturbing for your teen, who themselves is beginning to date and think about romance and sex and learning their way around these issues.

For them to now be forced to think about you in those same circumstances, well, it’s just gross. Don’t discuss it with them. Don’t tell them you’re on Match. Leave them out of it.

To your teen, it’s just plain weird to imagine you or their other parent with anyone else.

They’ve only ever known you and their other parent together, as a family, and even if they know that’s over, it hurts to see it so blatantly flaunted in their face. It’s simply not fair to them.

And don’t think if you discuss this with them and they give the green light, that it means anything. They want you to be happy – they are NOT going to tell you not to date.

They feel especially awkward and uncomfortable meeting someone you’re dating, or being forced to hang out with someone they don’t know.

Imagine having an unwanted guest in your house. That’s what it’s like to them. It’s especially uncomfortable for teenage girls to suddenly have a man in their house who isn’t their dad. I’m sure you can understand that if you stop to consider it.

So, my opinion has always been, and this is backed up by the experts…do not introduce your teen (or kids) to anyone you’re dating, until you’re basically engaged!

So, it goes without saying, that you don’t allow someone to spend the night, you don’t move them in, you don’t do holidays together.

Not only is this psychologically sound advice but it’s also good legal advice in most situations.

Many temporary or permanent separation and divorce agreements include a restraining order to keep parents from doing some or all of these things.

I’ve seen parents go ahead and bring a boyfriend or girlfriend around the kids and then swear the kids to secrecy, that’s even worse, don’t make your kid an accomplice to your poor choices.

And remember this - no matter how old your kids are, they don’t love the idea of sharing you with someone else.

The divorce has been traumatic or at least very challenging for them and they need you right now – they need to know THEY are the most important thing for you right now. That THEY matter most to you.

And if you’re dating, or talking about dating, they KNOW they’re not top of mind for you.

If you want to date – date. But remember to consider your teen or tween first.

Does that seem unfair? Then you need a mind shift.

You need to start looking at this from your teen’s point of view. I know you’re excited to get back out there – I went through a divorce just before I turned 30 and I started dating the minute I filed the divorce papers – but I didn’t have kids.

I understand you want to move on with your life and part of that is wanting to find someone to share your life with.

But you also need to remind yourself that your kids didn’t ask for any of this.

Maybe you don’t feel like it’s fair to put your teen’s needs before your own. Maybe you think they’re old enough to understand and they should be happy for you.

Or maybe you haven’t given it a second thought.

But here’s the thing – this one decision about dating, can make a huge difference in your child’s life.

You have the ability to diminish the impact of the divorce on your teen. Make them your number 1 priority right now.

Give them all the attention they need, get them into counseling, learn to communicate with your ex and get in a groove with visitation.

Help them with the transition after the divorce - give them at least a year with just you and dad apart before you even think about dating.

After a year they will be more stable, and YOU will be more stable and will be able to make better decisions about dating and getting back out there again.

And when you decide to get back out there, just do it without rubbing their nose in it. Don’t discuss it. Don’t bring people around your kids.

If you introduce everyone you date, or even everyone you really, really like…that could be several people that your teen may become attached to…and then, when it doesn’t work out, that’s one more person they feel they’ve lost.

That’s enormously unfair and emotionally damaging to your kids.

Listen, I know you want what’s best for your kids. I know you don’t plan on hurting them. But in my experience, divorce makes people forget their best intentions.

So, let’s recap real quick, how you can limit the impact of your divorce on your teen or tween (and of course, all the rules go for younger kids as well)

As an overall concept just remember to keep your needs as an individual and as a divorcing spouse separate from your role as their parent.

Number 1, remember your kid is not your confidant, don’t tell them anything about the divorce that doesn’t impact their day-to-day life.

Number 2, never talk negatively about the other parent in their presence or where they may possibly hear.

Number 3, be flexible regarding visitation – consider their activities and work with the other parent

Number 4, clearly and directly communicate with the other parent, don’t use your teen as the messenger

Number 5, maintain consistency in the rules and consequences between both houses

And, number 6, don’t expose your teen to your dating life.

No one goes through divorce unscathed, but if you can remember the guiding principle (of keeping your individual needs and your needs and responsibilities as a divorcing spouse separate from your role as a parent), these 6 problem areas seem much more manageable.

You have the power to make this transition easier on your kids – your teenager. You can do it.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate other moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

You can go to neurogility.com /5 for this episode’s show notes or transcript.

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