Ann: Last week on Speaking of Teens I talked to Kriya Lendzion, licensed addictions and prevention specialist and adolescent clinician. In that episode she pointed out the true risks of teen substance use, how it impacts the adolescent brain, the risk of addiction and how we need to think about these things. It would be a good idea to listen to episode 42 before coming back to this one.

In the second half of our conversation, Kriya addresses how we should respond when we find out our teen is drinking, smoking weed, vaping…and how can we help them refuse these substances to begin with. So, we’re going to hop right in.

Ann: What do we do? Yeah. What do we say? How do we react to it the right way so that maybe they don't do it again? The first scenario that pops into my head is when your kid comes home and you think they're, you know, they've been drinking or they've been smoking weed, how, how do we react in the moment in a situation like this?

Kriya: Yeah. Cause I think often we get this wrong

Kriya: To react in that moment, you know, while our kid is impaired and incapable of doing any kind of self-reflection or processing with us. I have sort of this three Cs rule of staying, you know, rooted in calm, caring, and curiosity.

Kriya: So, we're gonna kick the curiosity to the side for a minute and just stay in the calm and the caring and communicate like, Okay, well, I can tell you know, it appears to me that you might be under the influence of something. And because I love you so much, you know, this really matters to me that we talk about this, but we're gonna do this tomorrow morning, you know, when you're clearheaded or later on.

Kriya: Like, so, you know, we're gonna have that conversation, but you, timing is really crucial that you do not try to get into that even, you know, when, when they're under the influence or even respond in anything other than that calm, because the way that will be remembered can be distorted, you know, all that.

Kriya: So we just stay chill. We let 'em know, I see it, and I care about it because I really care about you. And so this is important to me. So we're gonna, we're gonna revisit this, but let's just, um, we'll, we'll wait until you're, you know, it's okay. Absolutely don't engage. And you wanna make sure that they're safe. Like so, you know, let's, I think that you should probably spend the rest of the night just kind of in your room. I'll get you some tea. You know, that while they're under the influence, that they're not gonna go do something reckless while they're high.

Kriya: And then you revisit that later, you know? And it's also okay for us, by the way, just for us to recognize like, wow, I am really, like, I have so many feelings come up right now, like, I'm afraid or I am remembering or triggered by something, whatever. You know, we can escalate just because we love the hell out of them.

Kriya: And that can really get out and pour up on our kids. And it's okay for us to also say like, this is hard for me. I really love you and I wanna make sure that I'm helpful and supportive with talking with you about this. So I need to sort of get right, self-reflect kinda, you know, I need to have a time out myself or I need to absorb a little bit, take some time to make sure that I respond to you in a helpful caring way.

Kriya: I'm gonna need a day to do that myself. Like, it's okay to also be honest with yourself about, you know, getting yourself together and you, you put like, we are gonna talk, but make sure that both you and them are in that place. That it can be, that it can happen kind of productively and out of care.

Ann: And I think that is so hard. for some of us who are so hard, are very reactive to things like this. Or who have such a strong fear.

Kriya: And I think recognizing that about you, that's good for you to have a minute, for us to have a minute to be like, okay, well, because we really need, before we talk to them, we need to really root down in our whole, like, motives on this you know, just ask ourselves those questions about like why this is so important to me. You know, why does this really matter? And root down in that so you can stay in that - and what do I really want here? Like, what's the big picture of why I care about this and what I want here before we even go into that, because again, we can react because we're wow, like my father died of alcoholism, addiction runs in our family, or my friend or my husband died of an overdose.

Kriya: Or you know, like I had all these issues and I got sexually assaulted because of my drinking in college. I mean, we can have some very personal, very real reactions. That if we get those on our kid in a really untempered way, we'll backfire.

Ann: I had that in my background my brother being an addict and how I reacted when I first found out my son was smoking weed, so, you know, that fear was so intense and it is hard to take a step back and to think logically when you're really being triggered by something like that.

Kriya: I find in my coaching practice with them or my therapy with them, when they actually just have the information, it can be impactful for them.

Kriya: Like about, this is how this can affect your brain. This is how this can go wrong. This is what's dangerous. I mean, so them getting that is important because most kids do not wanna become an addict or hurt their brain or you know, understanding why they're wired for addiction. I mean, so them getting that, being empowered with that information, you know, for them, you know, is a piece of it,

And that doesn't necessarily matter. And that flies out the window when, um, there's an opportunity to belong and feel part of things and have fun or feel comfortable in your skin when you do not. You know, or handle really tough, uncomfortable feelings. But the other part of it that it, and this is really crucial, which is that other C let's bring that other C back, which was curiosity, right? We had our calm and our care. But we also wanna like put on curiosity. So instead of, okay, we're gonna tell them all the things that they should know and they should do because we have fully formed brains and much more experience and we really, you know, if they just followed our advice, everything would be great. But instead of doing all that we stay curious because what we really need to know if we are going to prevent them from continuing to use regularly or getting any kind of dependency on this right, is we need to understand like what was going on, you know, what's going on both in their external world and their internal world that led to their using.

Kriya: And that's gonna be different for different kids. We can't assume, you know, we can't assume what peer pressure looks like, sounds like to our kid in the setting that they're in with their friend group at their school, we can't assume that. So, we stay curious - I'm curious, what was leading up to you using, you know, what what was going on for you?

Kriya: So, that we can ask some questions - were they feeling self-conscious? Because these were the really cool, pretty people that they always just wanna be part of, and they feel like they are chunky and insecure and awkward and here the cool people were doing this thing. So, yeah, I wanted to do that too. You know, or so you, you need to find out like what they were feeling, what they were thinking if they can tell you. You can't always get that, by the way, what your teen was thinking. We try to ask that question, like, what were you thinking?

Ann: Wrong question. Wrong question. teen brains 101.

Kriya: They weren't, they were feeling and they had impulses and they didn't wanna feel or wanted to feel something different. Either wanted to or not wanted to feel something. And so they, you know, so, um, and, and then again, what the external forces were around them, you know, is this, is this something that they've heard about on social media or that they are con hearing about in music that, or this shows that they're watching or, cuz you know, we're not consuming the same media anymore.

Kriya: I have it simmered down to four basic ones, you know, which is either kind of fun, excitement, entertainment.

Kriya: Because remember they need that, they want that dopamine or belonging and connection and being part of things, or it's about confidence and a feeling of mastery. Like I was really good at drinking. In my day. I mean, I could drink, I could funnel five at a time. I could be on fire, I could be on my head.

Kriya: I would win the drinking games for all the fraternities. They would call me in and chant my name and I was famous for out drinking everybody. And that felt amazing to me. As a little kid with my life story was that I never belonged. I would never fit in you know, for a lot of different reasons.

Kriya: So that's a strong pull. And adolescents have a need for belonging like they will never have again. If you can remember this, like I am now, I am totally okay just if I have Netflix in my cats or a good book. It's not the same.

Kriya: Their whole identity, their everything is wrapped up in Right. In their social world. So, so, and, and then, I can't remember if I said the last one, like coping and having, and having ways of, of, you know, handling distressing feelings, right. Of, of discomfort and distress. So, we need to find out, you know,

Ann: or feeling grown up.

Kriya: That's another one too. It's kind of feeling like in control and independence and feeling grown up. So there's really like five, but is it, lots of times kids will use, because they feel a sense of like, well, I mean it gives them a sense of control, but also gives them a sense of like, well, I'm grown and I'm doing this free, this, I feel free.

Kriya: I'm doing this grownup thing. Of smoking weed or. You know, using nicotine or drinking. Yeah. Because they wanna feel grown up, so we need that information or we're not going to be able to be impactful. Right. Right. We need a relationship where what we say matters and, and that they will even engage in this with us in the first place.

Kriya: You know? And we need all that information, which we're only gonna get if we stay calm and caring and, and curious and tell me, and I'm not judging you for this, because then we can, we can absolutely empathize and validate, by the way, this is really important. That's how you, as part of that trust, trust building is when they say, this is why I went there.

Kriya: If we really dig down into empathy, we can understand it makes sense. why you would use

Ann: And going back with, well that makes no sense. And why would you think that, and you know, that's just silly.

Kriya: We need to validate the fact that no, they were feeling that. Because they, they didn't use for no reason.

Kriya: They used because it was gonna give them something that they wanted. And, and if it worked for them, it made sense, especially if they continue to do it.

Ann: What about a coping skill for the immediate situation where the parents can say, okay, if you're in this situation, do this.

Kriya: Yeah. And so that conversation is a strategizing conversation with our kids is ideally part of a prevention conversation. We're having that when they're in fifth grade. In sixth grade about like, you know, how are you gonna handle situations where you're uncomfortable when you know when kids are doing something that you're uncomfortable with? Or how do you even recognize feeling uncomfortable with something like that uhoh feeling in your belly that we talked to little, little kids about, about strangers?

Kriya: And like, that keeps translating into like, I get that uhoh feeling in my gut and I try to follow it. So that can be both a prevention conversation and an intervention one. Especially once we are hearing, okay, these are the factors that go into my using you know, or that have gone into my using, then we can go, okay, so let's like talk about like how can you handle those situations if you don't wanna be using. Cause it's gonna happen again, babe. You know, you know that, you know, your friends are starting to go there, or these people that you wanna be respected by and be part of things with, you know, are gonna go there.

Kriya: So, so once first we have to have that curiosity about what those situations look and sound like and what they feel like to our kid. You know what I mean? Like, we have to understand what that peer pressure is. And then like, first we wanna empower them, honor them, give them a sense of autonomy by saying, well, you know, what are your ideas?

Kriya: Like, what have you used that's worked? What do you see other people do that work? I mean, see what they, they already got in their idea pool. That's right. Um, and then, and they'd be like, okay, well can we brainstorm some ideas or like, here's what I do, because here's the thing, we, we tend to stereotype or have this perception of peer pressure that is like stupid after school special.

Kriya: You know, like, it's that kid in the bathroom saying, I'm not gonna be your friend if you don't do it. That's not what it looks like. Their peer pressure looks really similar to our peer pressure, fyi, which still totally exists in the grownup world.

Kriya: You know, I still go to the breweries or the social places and the people around me are drinking and it looks like they're starting to really have fun and get more comfortable. And so I'm like, God, it would be really be nice to have a drink to get the edge off or the social lubricant. Nobody tells me, dude, do a shot or you're a loser.

Ann: With adolescence the number one thing is to fit in and be accepted.

Ann: Right. So, you know, that's rights awfully hard to take away, . I mean, it's awfully hard to tell them, well, just don't feel that way. It's, they're gonna feel that way.

Kriya: We, we cannot empathize and validate too much ever with our teenager. You really can't just like, you cannot tell them that like, I love you too many times. So with the peer pressure or the situation strategizing we can offer up and say like, Hey, can I share some things that work for me? You know, and, and you can take and leave whatever, you know, that is, you know, whatever's valuable to you but this is what I do, or this is what I did when I was younger, but just ask permission first. That’s a little tip, teen communication tip. But we also never wanna say like, oh, cause I know exactly how you feel because we have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be a 16, 17-year-old in 2023. Swimming in social media pressures. We have no idea.

Ann: No. And it's a lot worse I think, than we even imagine it is.

Kriya: A hundred percent. So, with my son and I, we did this. It was really informal. I can't even remember how it began. I mean, I knew I wanted to do that with him, but, but we just did this little comic brainstorm session, you know, where it was like, okay, so what are the things that you could say? You know, like let's just say, God, do not make your kid role play. Let me just say that - not when they're past 10 years old, do not make them role play please, parents. But, but we, with a sense of humor, we did this like, we were snacking. We were just talking about it and, and like crying, hurting, laughing at some of these things that we came up with that were just ridiculous and hilarious.

So it was you know, comic. But my child took a, a couple of those things that came out of our little brainstorm session were the things that he used all through high school. That's fine. Like he came up with a couple of these . That's fantastic. Well, and that's, you know,

Ann: I told, I tried to tell my son, just tell him that your mom will kill you. That your mother is mean, and you can't do that.

Kriya: Throw yourself under the bus. Parents. Let yourself be thrown under the bus. Please. If you care what your friends, what your kids' friends think of you, I encourage you to do a self-check on that. You know, like, it shouldn't matter. It's okay for you not to be the cool parent if it's gonna help your kid get out of the situation.

Kriya: So my kid would be like, oh my God, my mom's like a drug dog. You know, she's like a drug counselor and shit. So she like, you know, she can see my pupils across the room and whatever, you know, or, or you know, for him to be like, oh no, I gotta go cuz I forgot to clean my room. God, my mom's a beat. You know, like, Cool.

Kriya: I don't care. Yep. If it helps you get outta the situation, but, but research shows us, Ann, that we like, it backs us up that the more our kids have pre-thought out those situations and how to handle 'em, the more likely they are to actually apply those skills. So, they need to know how are you gonna say no while keeping your cool points on and still feeling like you're belonging, you know, when you need to say no or you wanna say no.

Kriya: But also just sort of like, how are you gonna handle those other, like, tricky situations. And again, hopefully they're talking to us about those tricky situations. Like, my ride was drunk. You know, I'm late because my ride was under the influence.

Kriya: Or, you know, my friend puked in my car. Or my car smells like weed because my friend busted out weed and smoked in my car or whatever. I mean, I know they always say it's their friend and not them, but that's an important reason not to be on them about things when they come home.

Kriya: Because we wanna be like, okay, so how are you gonna navigate this next time? Or if this is kicked up a notch. If you're worried that somebody is overdosing, you know, if you don't have the ride, if somebody gets in your car you know, and they’ve got drugs on 'em. Like, how are you gonna handle these situations? So, the strategizing is really important, but again, they've gotta feel safe with us. They can't strategize, we can't strategize with them if they don't trust us and they don't feel like they can say things to us.

Ann: So tell me this, because the instant thing, I mean, of course the first thing that pops into my mind when I caught my son is, well, you can't see those people anymore. You can't go anywhere anymore. You're, in your room from now on and I'm nailing the windows shut. So, you know, is it necessary for consequences to be applied immediately? Or, I mean, should it wait? And if we do, you know, have consequences, what sort of consequences, you know, talk to us about that.

Kriya: I just made this video today on Instagram, So, just like you said earlier you said something about like, um, about making, making sure you make the I statement. That I, I don't want you to be using this, right. That this, this is my expectation is that you're not using, and that's just coming out of, again, my, knowledge and my care because we know that this can be something that can hurt you, and that's why I make an expectation around it.

Kriya: So same thing like when we, when we don't set that expectation and we are not really clear and explicit that we have them, those kids tend to use more because what an adolescent brain, if we are not talking about it and we're not setting that, it processes that as, eh, they don't care. It's not a big deal.

Kriya: So same thing with consequences. Yes. If we don't, if we let it slide, the way that they take that in is like, yeah, they don't really, they don't really care if I do or not. They over-exaggerate that right. Perception. So now, here's how we wanna completely reconceive of consequences around this.

Kriya: I cannot tell you how many parents I talked to where I'm like, so what, how is the phone, you know, my question is always like, okay, so how is the phone related to their use? Because they just, the knee jerk response is, all right, I'm gonna hit 'em where it hurts.

Kriya: You know, I'm gonna do the thing that stings, which is their freedom and their friends and their phone, you know, so they restrict the car and ground them and you can't do the fun things and hang out with the people in the right. Okay? So, think about again, if our end game here, if our big intention is I want my child to be able to meet their needs in other ways. So that they're not dependent on this and it becomes a problematic relationship. I also want them to stay safe because it's an increasingly scary world out there. So that's my two things. Healthy, safe, you know, and non-problematic, three things. So if that's my big care - ask yourself what does the phone have to do with that? What is it gonna teach them? What is it gonna instill in them and shift in them to take their phone. Or their car, or their friends or their fun. So, I encourage us to, completely move away from that. Now, if they were making drug deals on their phone, it makes sense for you to like, get involved and put some restrictions or things around the phone or, or extra supervision and monitoring. Cuz you're like, well, you've proven to me that you're making dangerous choices on your phone and I can't trust you to be responsible and safe, so therefore I have to be closer up in your grill and be on your phone, which is exhausting for me too, fyi. Or if they were driving under the influence or they let all their friends use in the car, or, you know, then the car is involved.

Kriya: And I get with friends, yes, they're using with their friends. So, you wanna shut them off from those friends and be like, you can never talk to them again, but I can tell you that kids who are using because of belonging and acceptance and you cut off their belonging and acceptance. It's certainly not helping them learn how to meet that in healthy ways. It's not gonna lead to a reduction in use or whatever your intention is there. So, we take that information that we got from our open-ended questions of how and what, you know, how did that feel? What was going on for you? What are you feeling around it or thinking around it? So, once we have all that information, then we reconceive it as interventions versus consequences. Because it's just like, no, we just wanna intervene in ways that are going to be supportive and guiding and helping our kids get what they're telling us they don't have yet.

So, we can't have that information if we haven't done the other part, right. Where we're asking, where we're curious and we're non-reactive. We have that information and now we go, okay, well, what I just heard from my kid was he doesn't have the accurate information. He thinks that weed is totally safe in whatever amount, in whatever form. So, he needs to get that, whether that is like, all right, so I want you to do a little research project here. I've got these videos, you know, that I've found that seem to be really helpful.

Kriya: But, what may be a great intervention because we also know that younger siblings that are aware that their older sibling is using are six times as likely to go there. And then way more likely to develop a problematic relationship with it themselves if they use with that sibling. That really gets woven together as a positive thing that can be really tough. So, did they use in front of their sibling who’s 12 years old and they're 15. Then maybe when they get that information, one of the interventions here are the consequence that they need to now educate their younger sibling on what they learn as a creative consequence. So, again, thinking about, well, do they, are they telling us that they need coping tools? You know, for tough feelings and so I need to look into some counseling or some coaching or something they’re needing, like refusal skills. And that's something that we can either talk over and I can help them strengthen or they can get from somebody else. Are they telling me that they need activities where they feel a sense of like confidence and self-esteem and, that they're good at something and that they have purpose? Our kids are getting, less and less of that in our culture, FYI, naturally. So, maybe the consequence is instead of like grounding them, you know what, we need to find a couple activities that you're involved in, you know, on the weekends. Let's sit down and figure that out, cuz I'm following your lead on that. The non-negotiable is that you are gonna get a counselor, I'm gonna help you get some activities so that you can meet these needs in healthy ways. But let's talk about how to do that. You get to choose your counselor, you get to choose the activities and then I'll support that.

Ann: Because, you know, we automatically think of, you know, consequences, punishments. I'm gonna show you, you're not gonna do this. So instead of thinking about, you know, that as the end goal, the end the end goal ought to be trying to figure out what, what need they have that has not been met, um mm-hmm. from what they've told you, which again, we can't get unless we have that connected relationship with them. And then once you figure that out, the consequence - let's not think about it in terms of consequences, but let's think about it in terms of fulfilling the needs that they had. And so maybe it ends up being kind of a consequence because instead of going out on the weekend, you're doing something else. I think that's so important. That's such a great way of reframing the whole thing. That's just gold. Thank you.

Kriya: Yeah. And that doesn't, that doesn't mean that, that, um, you know, okay, well, every time I bust you, we're just gonna have a conversation about it and that's all that happens because I think, to lose certain freedoms because we don't trust them because we are afraid that they can't be healthy and safe on their own makes sense, right? But it's just about being, relevant and rational, you know, to what's going on. And so, we can say like, all right, so we're gonna do these things and, and maybe we'll even get you a holistic doctor to talk about ways to help you with your sleep because you're smoking weed to go to sleep.

Kriya: And see what else can be done around that. So, if we're gonna put sort of these interventions in place and you keep on going there, you know, then you're telling us not that you're a bad kid, that you don't respect us, that you know, all those things again, that we get reactive to and personalize -you're telling us that this is something that you still need, right? To fulfill these needs that you're really attached to it - that you're really having a kind of a problematic relationship with, cuz you're experiencing some consequences and you're taking some risks with it, but you're doing it anyway. You know, which tells me that you need some more help in finding some other things or some more guidance with that. So, again, because I love the hell out of you, not because I'm mad at you and you're disappointing me, we're gonna stay here closer than any of us want. Cause I think that's really, really important to say to our teenagers is just so that, you know, we have the same goals. We all want for you to have increasing freedom and independence because it takes a lot of time and energy for me as a parent to supervise and monitor you so closely and worry about you. I would really like to have that exhale also. So, trust me, we're on the same page. But if you're showing us that you cannot be responsible about this, you know, and that you don't quite have control over it or that you're willing to sacrifice things that mean something to you over this, you know, that's giving us this information that we need to stay here or move in a little bit closer and kind of amp up what we're intervening with.

Ann: Well, let's talk about that. So how, um, yeah, when do we know that it's time to actually get them more help, like professionals and, and who do you even go to? What do you do? Where's your first stop? Move this question to…

Kriya: Oh, the other piece I didn't say is like helping them reflect on, on their own values. Oh, yeah. That's a really important part. Yeah. Is that if we want them, if we want them to make a shift or to, or to like stay in a responsible use lane or to not wanna use it at all or whatever. Like we need to reflect back, um, well how does this fit with these things that you, that mean something to you, their values or reflect back like, Hey, it looks like this is really conflicting with your fill in the blank.

Kriya: You know, your, your athletic performance. You know, your grades, you're modeling to your younger sibling, your, you know, whatever. Um, and, and so that they can get like, oh, this doesn't work for me, internally.

RIGHT HERE

Kriya: If we have, have sat down and had all those conversations about like mutual agreements where you're like, here's how we're gonna build, you know, maintain trust between us. Meaning, here's what I'm gonna do so that you trust me, or what do you need me to do so that you trust me to be this source of support and that you can tell me all the things and then here's what I need in you if I'm gonna trust you. So we've had those conversations. We've talked about all the need-meeting, we've put all that stuff in place, right? And they're still demonstrating, you know, I, I think of like, there's the four Cs, which I think are a really helpful way to look at it, and one is like they're experiencing consequences, especially in the areas that matter to them, you know, they're experiencing consequences, but they are continuing to do it anyway. So, you know, their grades matter. You know that their dating relationship with their girlfriend mattered, but she broke up with your kid because he was smoking too much weed and he carries on with smoking weed.

Ann: So, when they're experiencing, even though all of these consequences and they still continue - when it's affecting school and relationships and other things, then we know that it's more of an abuse problem.

Kriya: Right. That's one. Yeah. And, they are demonstrating a lack of control of it. So, they look you in the eye and they really mean it, they're emotional. They're like, okay, I don't wanna do this, or I'm sorry that I did that, or I really don't believe in doing this and you've created limits with them, you know. You've had some of those conversations about here's what our expectations are, what's it gonna take from us to help you keep those limits? You know, like you have had those conversations and they cannot, just can't, you know, they, they go to the party and they say, okay, I'm not smoking weed tonight because I have to babysit my younger brother, or because I have that test in the morning, or because I'm driving home or Right. I mean, they've, and it's, and it, it is good, by the way, preventatively for you to kind of con have that conversation before they go out like, you know, what are your ideas on this for you tonight? That's good because what do you need? You know, so they set those limits for you. Watch them set limits with that. And, and this applies, by the way, with gaming, with phones, with all the addictive things - and they cannot, stick to 'em. They can't keep 'em, can't rein it in. It's just a real loss of control for them where they are, they're conflicting with their own goals and their own values and they just don't seem to be able to control that.

The other one is like watching, if you see it becoming more and more sort of the center of their life along with those other people. It's creating problems, but it's also, so their friend group, you know, they've, they've morphed their friend group and this is a friend group that is just condoning it, doing it with them, you know, and they have blown off the other ones that weren't okay with it.

They’re going to the places, you know, they're, they are following the accounts or giving the likes to the certain posts, they're putting those up on their social and they're willing to take the risk. I mean, they are identifying themselves as a user on social media. It's becoming part of their identity and their friend group and their activities and their hobby. Like they've identified as a hobby. You know but taking up more and more of their life space. And that can be emotional also. I mean, it's hard for us to know how much space it's taking for them mentally, but if we see them being regretful and having mood swings, either cuz they're withdrawing from something or it's throwing off their brain chemistry and their mood, which chemicals do particularly with adolescents. And they are, um, you know, they're experiencing all that and it's just taking up more life.

Ann: It's taking me back to think about that because that's where we were with, with our son. You know, he's getting in trouble at school, he'd gotten in trouble with the police. He, you know, we couldn't get along or do anything at home. His Instagram feed was full of people smoking weed. You know, everybody he hung out with that's all they wanted to do , you know, and it, it's time to do something. The, the hard thing, I think for parents too is well, what do we do? I mean, we looked around, we were in Greenville, South Carolina, there was one, outpatient kind of therapy center that concentrated on substance abuse but that was it. And he refused to go. So, you know, what do you do? Where do you go? Who do you talk to?

Kriya: And I think, you know, the rule that we follow in kind of the treatment world is you go for the least invasive intervention first. You know, because parents will, I mean, I get those are the calls by the way in my coaching practice, they call me and they're like, we need to know if we need to throw him in rehab or, you know, whatever. It's like, well hold on. Like, but what have you already tried? And they'll be like, nothing. We just found out that he did this thing and we're freaked out cause we realized he's been doing it all the time. So, you know, we don't know what else to do. But do they have a, just a therapist, you know, a therapist who is an addiction specialist?

Kriya: And so I don't, in each state, you know, that's, that's called something different. Ours is a licensed clinical addiction specialist. But, so finding out, like, you know, when you're looking for therapists and psychology today is a good resource to just go on and anybody can sort of look up, you can plug in what my insurance is.

Kriya: You can plug in age teen, you can plug in that I want somebody that, you know, specializes in substance use or addictions. Yeah. You know, and so, so that can, it's a good, helpful search engine just for lay people. But so I would say just finding a clinician first, you know, who specializes in indictive stuff.

Kriya: And then, you know, I mean, it's tricky because outpatient treatment, you know, has sort of different, different kids respond to that really differently. Because especially if it's one night a week. You know, and they're just sort of dropping in and I've just watched the kids find who to use with.

Kriya: And so, so I, God, I wish that was easier because that is a deficit in our country - having accessible treatment for everybody, but particularly for teens and what we're watching because of how strong things are getting, even though there's not more kids using drugs, the stats show us that there's more kids getting addicted to drugs.

Kriya: Because they're all getting more addictive. But so we've got, this big deficit and then the slew of treatment programs that you can run across are, you're like, oh, so $15,000 a month that insurance may or may not cover. And if so, just really briefly.

Kriya: You know, so the wealthy have access to a lot more things. But I also, you know, again, if we go back to the idea of like consequences, interventions, I have seen things like, there can be summer programs like Outward Bound or Knowles programs, or there's traveling and service programs or things that are adventurous and that, again, kids can be meeting those needs with finding alternatives, getting away from their screens and their potentially toxic social group and this idea that they have to be high to enjoy life.

Kriya: You know, feel okay. Like if you can provide them, some of those experiences can be as therapeutic and helpful and shifting as some of the like even higher price treatment programs - where you’re throwing five grand at it for your kid to go for two weeks to wherever, you know, to help plant gardens in Ghana.

 

Ann: Yeah. I think, you know that's gonna really be a passion, you know, for a kid latching onto - a serious hobby is such an important thing. I mean, it seems kind of silly, but I've seen girls who are just, you know, enamored with their horses and they're all into the horse stuff, and those kids don't seem to get involved in the drugs and the things as much as other kids. I think if a kid has a passion.

Kriya: The same with athletes. Athletes use a lot less because they, number one, I'm respecting my body. Number two, I have belonging there. Number three, do you know what I mean? It's like, I feel good at it.

Ann: I agree. You know, maybe finding just something like we looked at Outward Bound. We looked at all of those for our son. And I can't remember now what the difference was, but of course we ended up sending him to - he calls it rehab. It's still, I can't even say that I, I still say residential treatment because it was really more about his anxiety and treating, you know, self-medicating his anxiety. So, it was all about that. But, you know, there just, there aren't enough programs.

Kriya: Right. And you know I'm having this conversation a whole lot right now. About how, like at some point in time, it doesn't seem that long ago. And it's like pre-phone time. Yeah. I'm gonna say it is pre-phone time when kids would be engaged in projects. Right. I mean, a lot of us grew up where we were like, you know, our parents would be like, shut the door, you know, put the lemonade on the stoop and be like, all right. Go play. I mean, even as like young, early teens just be like, go find some stuff to do. And we would find some stuff to do. We would make some forts, we would make some games outta sticks and rocks, whatever we had to do. But kids, they don't naturally projects that they're involved in, you know, they're not fixing the car up, building the tree house they need more of those in general community service and something, you know, just getting them involved and everything.

Ann: Absolutely. You know, we, we let our son quit between eighth and ninth grade. He quit sports. He was like, I just don't wanna do it anymore. He moved to a new school. It was too scary to him. He had anxiety. But looking back, you know, I, we should have put something in its place. I think keeping kids busy - like there's a lot of negativity surrounding them being overscheduled but I swear to God, I think there's something to be said for being overscheduled, because if they're overscheduled, they have less time to do the substances. So, you know, I'm sure there's a happy middle ground there somewhere, but you know, Because you don't want them to be stressed and overwhelmed by that.

Kriya: But hopefully some of those activities are natural outlets and stress relievers, you know, for, for some of that stuff. And you get to help set those standards for what achievement and, and satisfaction and thriving means, you know, in your family. I mean, you can help your kid have a realistic, like for you to say, I don't expect you to have straight A's in everything, honey. I don't do everything perfect either so why would I expect that of you? That's not fair. You know? So, it's more important to me that you really love yourself and treat other people well and feel like you've got a purpose on this planet. And so you getting that perfect is stunted to me, is shadowed by you having some of these other things that you're involved in and that's, I mean, Mental health, I think you have to gotta take your look at mental health.

 

Ann: Well, Kriya, I cannot even tell you - this has been the best conversation. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this, and I think, you know, my listeners will. And thank you so much for being here today.

Kriya: My pleasure and honor. Thank you.

Ann: I sincerely hope this week’s episode combined with episode 42 gives you a much better understanding of why our kids try substances to begin with, why it’s so very easy for them to become addicted, how important it is to try and keep them from using any addictive substance for as long as possible, how to help them come up with ways to avoid using, how to try and make sure their needs are met in ways that prevent use and how to respond to them if they end up doing it anyway.

I’m so thankful for this conversation with Kriya – it would have helped me so much to have known these things just a few years ago.

You can go to the show notes at neurogility.com/43 for a link to lots of resources on Kriya’s website plus a free membership so you can get all of her guides to help you with your teen and substances and more.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization dedicated to educating parents about their teens.

Go to neurogility.com/herewego for our free parenting guides and e-books

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I’ll be back again next Tuesday with more science-backed information for parenting your teen.

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