From Parent Camp Newsletter 3-6-24
Does your teen spout curse words, use a derogatory tone, or say things you consider disrespectful when they’re in the middle of experiencing gigantic emotions? I’m not talking about “common everyday disrespect,” that isn’t happening during a meltdown – that’s a different topic (and one I covered in episode 117.)
I’ll bet you remember those screaming fits they often had as a toddler when things didn’t go their way or when they were overtired, right? And when that happened, you likely accepted their behavior as beyond their control in that moment.
You likely had at least a bit of empathy for them back then (“they’re so tired” or “they’re just a baby”) and just wrote it off as part and parcel of having a toddler. Yet, by the time they reach 15, 16 or 17 years old, and cursing and smarting off often replace (or pile on top of) a crying and screaming fit – it’s not so easy to write it off and awfully hard to empathize with!
However, you need to remember that the same thing is going on here. Their brain is literally going through the same process it did from birth to age 3. And emotional dysregulation is a huge part of this process. So, responding to them completely differently now doesn’t make sense, does it?
Their amygdala is causing this response – they have not made a rational decision to act this way because their amygdala has taken over control of their brain and the prefrontal cortex is just not strong enough to help. Emotion coaching will eventually help them strengthen their prefrontal cortex and help them learn to get this response more under control.
But until they get there, they’re literally at the mercy of their brain finishing up its wiring several years from now. Remind yourself that they cannot do better “if they tried harder” or “if they wanted to.” That’s simply not how emotional dysregulation works. Also, remember that almost 100% of the time, this behavior is reserved solely for you.
They do not act or talk like this with other adults. So, stop thinking “If I let them talk to me this way how will they act with other people?!” How do they manage their emotions with others but not you? There are at least a couple of reasons.
First, they’ve worked extremely hard to hold in their emotions all day long. Despite being sleep deprived, possibly exhausted, anxious, or stressed and fed up, they usually manage it pretty well. Second, you’re their “secure base”, their attachment figure, their safe space – whatever you choose to call it…they feel safe to let loose on you when they don’t with other people!
I often say to just consider this type of disrespectful talk that accompanies emotional dysregulation as, “emotional vomit!” I know – yuck. But that’s all it is. Most of the time their words have no more meaning than the screams of a dysregulated toddler.
The difference is that your teen’s words are much more triggering for you than your toddler’s screams. And this is why you want so badly to jump in there and say something like, “don’t talk to me that way!” But, hopefully, that’s when your emotion coaching training kicks in and you remember…connection before correction. So, you listen, you validate their emotions, give them an emotion word, reflect what you hear, etc.
You have all the control here. Being triggered doesn’t mean you have to act on it. You can reframe your thinking about this situation. No one causes you to experience an emotion – you interpret the situation and determine your own emotion. When your teen starts emotionally vomiting all over the place, simply remind yourself that this is emotional dysregulation just like when they were a screaming toddler.
Pause, breathe, count, say a mantra, tell your teen you need a break…do what you have to do to avoid addressing their words or tone in that moment. And you may not even have to address their behavior later because often they will come back and apologize (that doesn’t happen if you call them out on their behavior first, so give them a chance.)
Come to a Meetup and let me know if you’re having a mindset issue with this or are having a hard time managing your emotions during this type of encounter with your teen.
Don’t give up – keep practicing!