Bullies are ubiquitous. They’ve always been a staple on playgrounds, in workplaces, families, and neighborhoods. They’re portrayed in movies for the purpose of adding conflict – what all good stories require – a villain. It gives the audience more reason to root for the good guy. And it’s a storyline that’s instantly relatable. Because most of us have felt the wrath of a bully at some point in our lives.

On the surface, bullies are just mean people. Aggressive and unempathetic. But below the surface, many bullies may have low self-esteem, may have been bullied themselves, could have a difficult homelife and might be using their own bullying behavior to feel some sort of control over their own lives. They could also be any typical teen or tween who gets caught up in the moment and because their prefrontal cortex is not yet fully developed, they don’t have the empathy or the self-control to stop themselves.

Of course, knowing this, doesn’t make bullying any easier for a kid or a parent to endure and it certainly doesn’t make it easier for you if you find out your kid’s the bully.

I’m Ann Coleman, and this is Speaking of Teens.

Today I want to talk to you about a specific type of pervasive and emotionally damaging bullying – cyberbullying. How your parenting can help prevent your teen or tween from being the bully and what you can do if your teen’s the target.

Just to be clear, bullying is not just any old mean behavior. Scientifically speaking there are certain elements that should be present before we can really even classify a certain behavior as bullying.

First, it’s an intentional act. It’s not bullying unless someone actually means to do harm. Second, the target of the bullying must actually experience some sort of physical, emotional, or relational harm. Third, it must be repetitive or threatened to be repetitive, so one instance of mean behavior is not bullying, unless perhaps it’s extreme. Fourth, there’s some sort of power imbalance; the bully is demonstrating power over the target

As if regular old bullying wasn’t bad enough, the internet and specifically social media has given bullies an even easier way to target someone. Cyberbullying is the “willful and repeated harm inflicted through computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices.” That’s how the two researchers behind cyberbullying.org define it. They simplify it by adding, that it’s basically “incidents where individuals use technology to harass, threaten, humiliate, or otherwise hassle others.”

And by the way, I can’t say enough good things about the two researchers behind cyberbullying.org, (Justin Patchin and Sameer Hinduja). I linked to it in probably the last couple of episode (32 and 33) but I will again in today’s show notes. They have tons of resources for parents, and I’ve taken a lot of the information for today’s episode from their site and their research.

So, again, cyberbullying is just bullying using technology. And it can take so many forms. Sending harassing texts over and over directly to someone’s phone (often anonymously or using anonymous-type apps), making mean or threatening comments on their social media posts, posting awful things online about them, creating whole social media accounts about them, using texts, snaps, or other messaging to spread rumors about someone. And as new ways of interacting online pop up, these bullies just expand their game to those environments, like livestreaming and the metaverse, voice/text chat in online games, Twitch, Discord, and likely a few ways you don’t even know about. It happens in every environment teens and tweens congregate online.

Let me just add that “mean” and “harassing” doesn’t do justice to some of the things I’ve read about. Cruel, heartless, disgusting, vile things are done in the form of cyberbullying. And unfortunately, your kid is not immune to being the target or victim and is likewise not immune from being the aggressor or bully.

Cyberbullying is quite different in several ways from regular run of the mill bullying. It can be executed in a very public way online, which can be much more embarrassing and humiliating to the target because more people can see posts and participate in the bullying than might actually witness bullying in real life.

The bully can remain anonymous – which ups the anxiety for the target who might wonder daily who the person is. And because of that anonymity, a bully is much more emboldened plus they can’t see the actual affect of their behavior on the other person, which, in real life, might have an impact on their behavior.

Because bullies can post online constantly, it can seem overwhelming to the target to get a handle on it. Even if they have posts removed or accounts banned, the bully can still harass them (and everyone’s already seen the posts anyway).

Cyberbullying can also be very hard to decrease through supervision. Adults can’t be all places all at once to patrol teens communicating with each other online. It’s much easier for someone to hide in cyberspace and do their bullying. Not only that but adults often don’t even know how to respond and make it stop, which just gives more power to the bully.

While you can potentially avoid a bully in real life, it’s not so easy online. Kids now are always online; they live there. It’s easy to say “just stay off social media” but if they did that, they would be completely excluded, socially. Cyberbullies can follow someone wherever they go, including the sanctuary of their own home, their own bedroom.

And it can be so much worse than in person bullying because behind a screen and a keyboard people are a lot braver and meaner. They can do much more harm than they could do in person. These are few excerpts from teen’s comments posted on the cyberbullying.org website (I’ve edited for clarity):

13-year-old girl: "People always make fun of me because of my weight. They say I'm pretty but i can't believe them. Last year i was being bullied by an 8th grader at my school. People would send me messages saying that I'm a disgrace i shouldn't be in this world."

16-year-old girl: …It got to the point where I couldn't stand going to school or even looking at myself in the mirror knowing that when people see me they think of a stupid, ugly, whore. People say that stick and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt you. But I have come to realization that the statement does not apply to the majority of teenagers. Verbal Abuse hurts."

17-year-old girl: "Honestly when I was being cyber bullied I felt like I wanted to never get out of the house or talk to anyone ever again. It led me to depression and the person who was bullying me... they believed that it was funny. I ended up staying quiet and even today I do get bullied online.""

13-year-old girl: "I got cyber bullied after i got surgery on my knee & it was horrible they always said go die & your worthless why are you here? You're wasting air.

Mother of 12-year-old boy: "My son has been cyber bullied by the same child that is his age for a while now, he has threatened to beat him up and tells my son to kill himself because no one cares about him. My child is so sensitive and not to mention small for his age with type one diabetes. I have no idea who to turn to for this problem.”

Trust me – these comments are mild in comparison to some of the stories I’ve read.

The public didn’t really take notice of the cyberbullying problem in the US until in 2011, when President Obama and the First Lady held a conference on bullying at the White House. The conference came on the heels of a rash of suicides by boys who’d been bullied so badly that they didn’t see how they could keep living. One of those was the highly publicized case of Tyler Clementi. Tyler took his own life by jumping off the George Washington bridge in September of 2010 after his brand-new roommates at Rutgers decided to use a webcam to spy on him and livestreamed him kissing another guy.

2012 was the first year federal money was designated for anti-bullying efforts in public schools. And that was a good start. Schools of course need money to address anything they’re asked to address (which is a lot) but in truth, policies and educational programs can only do so much. Actually, stopping it from happening is really very difficult. Teens are much more internet savvy and are very good at hiding their tracks while adults are often too busy, distracted and just not up on all the new technology. It’s quite easy for this type of bullying to be overlooked or go undetected. It's going to take everyone involved in a teen’s life to help keep them safe.

Let’s look at the numbers just a minute. LGBTQA+ teens and tweens do suffer substantially more from bullying and cyberbullying that other kids with at least 8 in 10 experiencing harassment or all-out assault at school and anywhere from 48% to 64% experiencing cyberbullying. Just as we saw in the last couple of episodes, the statistics here do vary depending on how cyberbullying was defined in the research and how the study was conducted. Estimates range from a very low 10% to 60% of US teens who’ve been cyberbullied. But a full 90% of teens see it as a major problem for their age group.

Patchin and Hinduja’s research in 2021 revealed that about 45.5% of teens had been cyberbullied at some point. Additionally, on average, cyberbullying more than doubled from 2007 to 2019. The iPhone came out in 2007. Unfortunately, studies show that kids from lower income households are about twice as likely to be cyberbullied as those from higher income households. Boys are more likely to be involved in bullying at school (both as the bully and the victim), but girls are just as likely as boys to cyberbully, if not more likely. As we said in episode 23 girls are more likely to be involved in relational aggression and boys are more likely to be involved in physical aggression.

If we look at just tweens, in particular, about 1 in 5 have somehow been involved in or witnessed cyberbullying. And we know how difficult this age is anyway. They’re just starting to individuate from parents and all their focus is on fitting in and being accepted socially. Cyberbullying can be especially devastating in middle school.

And research shows that cyberbullying seems to start as soon as a kid receives a smart phone, which in 2019, was as young as age 9. 25% of 9-year-olds and 70% of 12-year-olds had smart phones that year. The numbers are probably even higher now. Obviously, there’s a strong link between having a smart phone and cyberbullying and between social media use and cyberbullying. And in 2019, at least 63% of tweens were using social media every day.

Of course, cyberbullying doesn’t just happen on phones, and by 2019 only 13% of tweens said they didn’t own some sort of digital device (cell phone, tablet, computer, or gaming console) that gave them access to the internet. If they have access to the internet, they can be involved in cyberbullying. And the rate at which kids are likely to be cyberbullied increases at about 2% every 2 years beginning at age 10. So, by high school, it’s basically the flip of a coin as to whether or not your kid will be cyberbullied.

What sort of impact does all this bullying and cyberbullying have on kids? Regular face to face bullying has been linked to suicidal ideation and suicide attempts in adolescents and both the cyberbullies and their targets are much more likely to self-harm, have suicidal thoughts, attempt suicide, or actually take their life. And if both face-to-face bullying and cyberbullying are happening together – where the kid is unable to escape their bullies anywhere they go, they’re much more likely to attempt suicide. Of course, it’s not possible to say that the bullying is 100% to blame for a suicide, because often the situation is much more complex – but it’s absolutely a major contributing factor in many cases.

There are just too many sad stories, many dating back to the early 2000s before smart phones and online gaming, when there was only AOL instant messenger. Kids figured out early on how to weaponize technology against each other. And let me add, most kids who are bullied don’t take their own life, but they very often develop anxiety or depression. Their self-esteem suffers, they’re frustrated, mad, and they don’t feel safe. Research also shows there’s a link between being cyberbullied and lower academic achievement, juvenile delinquency, truancy, problems at home, and of course, school violence.

What are the signs that a teen may be being cyberbullied? What do you look for as a parent? If your kid hasn’t come to you and told you about cyberbullying, how can you tell that your child may be being bullied online? Patchin and Hinduja of cyberbullying.org have a fantastic download listing a ton of signs to watch out for – I’ll link to it in the show notes. I’m going to give you a few here but keep in mind that many of these can be signs that something else is going on or they could be normal teen behaviors. Just because you spot something on the list doesn’t mean they’ve definitely being victimized online. So, with that caveat, here are just a few of the signs they say to watch for:

They don’t want to talk about what they are doing online

They want to spend more time with you than with kids their age

They’re unusually secretive, especially about what they’re doing online

They all of a sudden stop using their phone or gaming console or computer – any device - or seem nervous when using a device, or seem upset after using any of their devices

They seem depressed, talk about how their life is worthless, lose interest in things and people that used to matter to them

They seem nervous about going to school or other places or they want to leave school all the time because they don’t feel good

Their eating or sleeping habits suddenly change

Now, what signs might you see if your child is the bully?

And again, these things can be signs that something else is going on – but whatever it is, you need to look into it:

They’re overly secretive about what they’re doing online – they don’t want to discuss it, they hide their screens, close the laptop really quickly when you enter the room

They become totally unhinged if you take a device away

They seem to be on their device at all hours of the night, using multiple accounts or accounts in other people’s names, or seem to think very highly of their technological skills

They seem to laugh a lot when on a device but won’t tell you what’s funny

They withdraw from family, might start hanging out with the wrong crowd, getting in trouble at school or outside of school

They’re overly concerned with being popular or maintaining their status in a certain circle

They seem to be more callous or insensitive to other teens or even become violent

Please download the full list from cyberbullying.org – again the link is in the show notes

What does the law say about cyberbullying and what are schools doing? We’ll start broadly. What does federal law say about it? Well, there’s no federal law that addresses bullying or cyberbullying directly. However, when this happens at a federally funded school, college, or university, and the “bullying is based on race or ethnicity, color, national origin, sex, disability, or religion, bullying overlaps with discriminatory harassment”, schools are legally obligated to address it. You can either file a grievance with the school district or jump on over that and go straight to the Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights and the US Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division. I’ll link to both in the show notes.

And if the bullying turns into the commission of a violent crime or threats to commit a violent crime and it’s motivated by bias against a person or certain protected classes of people, it’s considered a federal hate crime. This law protects people against crime motivated by bias against race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, or disability. You can contact the US Department of Justice about that as well. These laws do protect all LGBTQIA+ kids.

I’ll link to the stopbullying.gov webpage with all the details about these federal civil rights laws and who you can contact if this happens to your child.

Additionally, there are federal laws against cybercrimes including cyberstalking, interstate cyber threats and extortion, harassing or threatening a person via a telecommunications device, computer hacking, and identity theft. I’ll give you a link in the show notes to the Online Harassment Field Manual at Pen America. Most of the time the Federal government is only going to get involved if the abuse is severe or if state or local law enforcement have given up or ask for their help.

Now as far as your state law goes, as always, it’s going to be different from state to state. Depending on how someone is bullied, there may be a criminal law that would apply, like laws against harassment, assault, or stalking. Luckily, most states do cover electronic forms of harassment in their law.Also, most states have developed what they call model policies that the local school districts or schools must then adopt. These policies usually include what constitutes bullying, cyberbullying, how it should be reported and investigated and how to respond to it. Now the federal law says that these school policies can address bullying by students even if it doesn’t happen on school property or at a school event, as long is it results in a substantial disruptions of the learning environment at school. Some school policies will include this and some won’t. Again, cyberbullying.org has all this information for each state. I’ll link to it in the show notes.

Do you know what’s most likely to deter teens from bullying or cyberbullying? It’s not the laws or the school policies. It’s more likely to be informal sanctions. Kids with stronger ties to their school, teachers, the community, their parents will be less likely to risk disapproval or disappointment from them. The risk they face of being ostracized, shamed, being judged or embarrassed, those emotional deterrents are stronger than most legal punishments will ever be. We know that a positive school climate helps all around with student achievement, truancy, absenteeism, and behavior. And the more social support teens receive at school and the more connected they feel to the school and the school leaders, the less likely they are to bully and cyberbully.

But what about parents? What role do we play? As parents we want to protect our kids from being bullied, but we also want to make sure our kid is never the one doing the bullying. Research just published a year ago by Patchin and Hinduja in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, reveals just how much influence our parenting style has with our teens – even when they’re spending most of their time with peers. Without a doubt, the way we parent our kids and teens makes a difference in how they behave when we’re not around. And that’s what we want – because we can’t be with them every second of every day. In their study they found that approximately 21% of teens and tweens had bullied someone else at school in at least one or more ways in the past month and that about 5% had cyberbullied someone in the past month. Those numbers are too large to sweep under the rug.

They also found that what they called “positive parenting practices” or parenting strong in warmth, autonomy support and structure had a strong impact on preventing both bullying and cyberbullying behaviors with teens and tweens. And the inverse was also true, parental rejection, coercion, and chaos led to increased possibilities of both bullying and cyberbullying. Let me explain.

We’ve talked about these parenting practices in one way or another on other episodes. “Positive Parenting” is just one term used for a particular type of parenting that leads to the best outcomes for kids. It doesn’t matter what terminology you use, the bottom line is that parenting that is nurturing, kind, warm and empathetic, where a parent guides and supports their teen’s autonomy, sets strong boundaries and is clear with the rules and consistent in their enforcement, is always the best.

Parenting this way allows our kids to feel more emotionally connected to us, they feel like they can talk to us about anything, share their opinions freely, without fear of damaging our relationship, they have higher emotional intelligence, and make better decisions. Being raised in a home that values this type of parenting will help ensure a kid’s psychological and emotional health, they’re better socially adjusted, and they’re better at rejecting negative influences around them.

The opposite is true for parenting that is more about obedience than warmth and connection. Parenting in a way that is too controlling and demanding, without negotiation and compromise or autonomy support, with erratic discipline, confusing boundaries, rules that change on a dime, harsh punishment rather than natural or logical consequences, all lead to more emotional and mental issues, poor connection to parents where they don’t feel they can openly talk to or share opinions and problems, and behavior issues, like aggression, acting out, risky behaviors and potentially bullying and cyberbullying.

There have in fact been a handful of small studies that link specific parental behaviors to bullying and even cyberbullying, including harshness of verbal and physical punishment, lack of parental warmth, coercive parenting, lack of structure or rules in the home – but the authors of those studies weren’t really able to say with any certainty that these issues related to the general population or dig deeper to see exactly how these factors influenced behavior.

Patchin and Hinduja are quick to point out that parenting alone does not determine whether a teen will be involved in bullying or cyberbullying. Other studies reveal several other things are likely at play, like who teens hang out with, stressful life situations, or the likelihood they’ll receive consequences for the behavior.

Interestingly, the results of this particular 2022 study revealed that parenting did have more of an influence on cyberbullying than bullying. One explanation they offer for this is a concept known as “virtual supervision”. This is when kids think about how their parents would react to their behavior, even when they’re not there to see them do it. Maybe this is even more at play with online behavior – maybe it’s because much of it takes place at home and because kids are more worried their parents may really find out about it. This is why we say emotional connection is so much more important than almost any other parental element during the teen years. When your teen is highly bonded to you, they don’t want to disappoint or upset you. They hear your voice in their head even when you’re not around. In another study done by these same guys, they found that kids who have an adult in their life that they definitely did not want to disappoint (which could be a parent or a coach or grandparent, or whomever) they were much less likely to cyberbully others. For example, these are a couple of quotes from kids in the study when they were asked “If you’ve ever stopped yourself from posting something online, what was it that stopped you?”:

“I would think about how disappointed my parents would be.” (14-year-old girl from California)

“The thought that my mom might find it. And if I have to think about it and I wouldn’t want my mom to know, then I probably shouldn’t do it.” (13-year-old girl from Kansas)

“My mom and dad have always taught me to have respect for others, even online. So I would say it’s because I don’t want to disappoint them.” (12-year-old boy from California)

So, it’s clear that parents still have major influence over teens even if it looks like we don’t. As a matter of fact, in another study they authored, they found that younger adolescents were especially more likely to adhere to proper online protocol when they were afraid of the consequences parents would initiate for those behaviors. Parental influence here proved to be stronger than the school or even the police. So, determining those consequences with your kids up front is important – they need to know what’s coming and want to avoid it.

 

They also looked at the issue of parental monitoring or perceived parental monitoring in another study a couple of years ago and they found that the more middle and high schoolers thought their parents knew what they were doing online, the less likely they were to doing anything inappropriate. This was whether or not the parents actually did know what the teens and tweens were doing – it was the kids’ perception of parental knowledge that made all the difference.

In the study, kids who said they parents never knew what they were doing online up to they knew about half the time what they were doing online were more than twice as likely to have also reported that they cyberbullied others or sent a sext to others compared to the kids who said their parents always knew what they were doing online or knew most of the time what they were doing online. In other words, if your kids are under the impression, you watch them like a hawk online, they are much less likely to get in trouble online.

These researchers also give us some really good information about using parental controls. They of course, advocate for the use of 3^rd party apps for monitoring and tracking the types of content kids are creating and receiving. There’s also the device settings that allow you to restrict screen time or the amount and type of use for certain apps. But they caution against thinking that you can download software that is supposed to decrease your kid’s ability to look at sexual content online thinking it will somehow help eliminate potential harassment.

One big warning for parents – they say to never download any of this software to secretly monitor what your kid is doing online. If you find something you need to discuss with them, you’ll obviously have to let them know what you’ve been doing and that will destroy the trust and connect with them. Instead, monitoring should be something discussed from the beginning with your kids. Let them know up front you’ll be using certain controls and monitoring devices to help keep them safe and decide together what they rules for online use will be and what the consequences are for breaking those rules. (go back and listen to episode 22 if you need help with that)

And as with any rules, you’ll lighten up as each kid proves the level of maturity required to make good decisions online. At first you should be quite involved in their online activity. Of course, continued open discussions about the dangers involved in online activity and the expectations for their online behavior are a must. And just FYI – they have a technology use contract on their website and a cell phone use contract – I’ll link to it in the show notes.

One more thing here – work on honing your teen’s empathy. Empathy is something that develops in kids over time as their prefrontal cortex develops slowly until their mid to late 20s. So, no, your kid’s not a psychopath or a sociopath, they just may not have quite have the same level of empathy you do. While we couldn’t imagine some of the things they say, they just don’t think about it in the same way. They have a much harder time seeing it from someone else’s perspective. And this is a whole other show but working on raising your kid’s empathy could go far in preventing any sort of cyberbullying.

Now what about the other side of this? What if your teen or tween is being cyberbullied? Once again, Cyberbullying.org has some great information about this on their website. I’ll give you the link in the show notes. I’ve taken their suggestions and added a bit to it here.

Don’t Freak Out - If your child does feel secure enough in your connection to come tell you about cyberbullying that’s happening (and I believe it’s only about 1 out of 10 kids who informs a parent or trusted adult about this abuse), the first thing you absolutely have to remember is not to freak out. That’s the number one reason they won’t tell you things like this. They’re afraid you’ll make “a big deal” out of it. Get angry, call a parent, call the school, call the police and they’ll be even more ostracized. So, please remember, above all else, respond calmly and ask them to tell you what’s been happening. As with all emotional issues, empathize, don’t interrupt them, let them speak, ask questions when you need to clarify, validate their emotions by reflecting what you hear them say and help them label how they feel about it with emotion words.

Don’t Downplay it - If you’re tempted to downplay the incidents , DON’T. Take this very seriously and show them you care. They don’t need to hear “just ignore them”, “they’ll stop if you don’t act like it bothers you” or any other such nonsense. If they could have ignored it, they wouldn’t be telling you about it. You have to empathize with them, acknowledge their feelings, and let them know you get it. Go back to episode 6 if you need a refresher.

Let them know they’re safe and that your #1 goal is to make it stop.

Gather Evidence - Be sure to get the details about what happened and then begin to gather evidence. When collecting evidence, think of what anyone investigating this would need to see or know. Make screen shots of everything you can including the bully’s screen name, time stamp. Then you and your child can write a narrative of what exactly happened, what precipitated it, and how it happened in a timeline. Include notes about witnesses, where your child was when it happened, everything you can think of that might prove useful.

Decide with your teen or tween what to do next. Your kid may be hesitant to do anything formally. Remember, this is their social life we’re talking about and if the bully runs in the same social circle, this could be a highly sensitive issue to tackle. You don’t want to do anything without your child’s buy-in. So, remember to be understanding of these issues and give your child time to get on board with what you think needs to be done. Consider all the angles and listen to your teen – they probably know better than you how things will turn out.

For example, should you contact the bully’s parents? There are lots of issues to consider here. Again, is this a supposed friend or ex-friend? Do you know the parents? How well do you think they would take the news their child has been bullying? How would you take it if someone came to you and said your child was bullying theirs? Without a doubt, most parents do not want to believe this about their child so you might be met with denial and hostility. How will that impact your child? So just tread carefully here and absolutely don’t do it without your child’s full agreement.

What about the school? If the bully goes to the same school as yours, you should contact the school but again, be sure your child is on-board with this and understands why it needs to be done. The school’s anti-bullying policy (which they all have) may also cover cyberbullying. Find out what the process is before going in. Ask for the policy in writing (it’s likely in the school’s handbook) and make sure you understand it and have everything you need before making an appointment to speak to the administration. If you don’t find them responsive, you can always get a legal opinion. There are usually attorneys in larger communities who specialize in education law.

If your child was bullied based on race, sex or disability, you can go straight to the Us Department of Education’s office of civil rights. They should take the case very seriously but if not, don’t hesitate to contact an attorney or your local ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) I’ll have all the links in the show notes.

Contact the content provider – the app or the website should be contacted immediately. The Terms of Service for all apps, websites gaming networks and even cell phone companies include a contract that you effectively agree to before using the service or accessing the content. Cyberbullying will have violated those Terms of Service and therefore, they will delete the account or otherwise kick them off (which, may not mean that they can’t open a new account under a different name and email address so keep that in mind). It was either last week or week before last that I mentioned you could go onto the NCMEC website (national center for missing and exploited children) and report one time for a sextortion case and they would handle contacting the content provider. But that’s not the case for cyberbullying. There’s no one stop for that. You’ll need to go to each provider where something’s been posted to report them. I’ll provide the link to the page on cyberbullying.org that has all these provider links.

Your Child May Need Counseling – Cyberbullying, just like in person bullying, as we’ve said, can cause all sorts of emotional, mental, and behavioral issues for kids. Talk to them about this. If they’re having a difficult time and you can see that, it may be time to get them to a counselor or therapist. Even if they say they’re not having a hard time, if their habits and personality has changed, it’s better to be safe than sorry. I would go.

When should you involve the police? The police will normally only agree to become involved if the cyberbully has broken a law. The laws, as we’ve said, will be different from jurisdiction to jurisdiction but most now have laws addressing online physical threats and possibly even online harassment (but that harassment will be defined very specifically and what has happened to your child may not meet the definition). If you feel your child is in danger, call the police immediately. And if the police don’t give you an answer you feel is correct, you can make a call to the state police or talk to an attorney or possibly go to the FBI if the case is severe enough and involves a federal crime.

Prevent it from reoccurring - you want to try and make sure this type of harassment never happens to  your child again . Make sure to implement parental controls, and that this person is blocked on all platforms. Praise your child for letting you know this was going on (if indeed they did) and make sure they know they can always come to you and that you are keeping a close eye on things. Be sure that they don’t feel punished for what happened to them – it wasn’t their fault. So, taking them off social media or taking their phone away is not what you want to do here. They need to know they did not do anything to bring this on themselves.

So, here are the primary takeaways from today’s episode:

There are always going to be bullies. Cyberbullying just makes bullying even more inescapable, and, in many ways, it can be much worse.

I would venture to say that most of our teens and tweens have somehow been involved in this online abuse, either as the bully, the target, or a bystander. They are well versed in this issue.

But remember, if you find out your kid has bullied someone in this way, they’re not a monster, they’re a teen with an unfinished brain and they need your empathy as much as if your child were the target. Fall back on all the basic rules of kind but firm parenting.

And if your child’s been bullied, do your best not to make it worse. Very few kids actually come clean and tell their parents what’s going on. If they’ve trusted you with this information, don’t let them down.

Look for all the links in the show notes at neurogility.com/34

 

Thank you so much for being here with me today. Don’t forget I have lots of free downloads for you at neurogility.com/herewego.

And if you enjoy the podcast, please spread the word. Let moms in the parenting groups and PTA and ballgames know about it. My goal is to help and the more people I can reach the better.

If you need me or just have a question you can email me at acoleman@neurogility.com – I answer all my emails and I love hearing from you.

Until next Tuesday, hang in there mama!