Last week we talked about teens and sexting. If you haven’t listened to episode 32, I would stop here, go back, and listen and then you can come back and join me here in episode 33 where I’m going to talk a little more today about how we deal with our teens and sexting, what do we tell them, how do we talk to them about it, what if we discover something and what does the law say about teens sexting each other?

I’m Ann Coleman, and this is Speaking of Teens.

We learned last week in episode 32 that sexting is pretty common among teens, maybe more than we thought. We know that the older a teen gets, the more likely they are to do it. We learned that most of it likely takes place between kids in some sort of relationship. We learned that boys ask for them more than girls and that girls very often feel pressured to send them. We know that teens are not immune to sharing the photos they receive with someone else. And we learned that sextortion is usually committed by adult criminals for monetary gain and that teen boys are their primary targets.

One of the most important things I think we discussed is that sexting (whether it’s our boys or our girls doing it) is not deviant behavior – it’s quite literally normal sexual exploration. And the research I’ve read since last week continues to confirm that. Researchers, experts in adolescent behavior are convinced that consensual sexting, within the context of a romantic relationship between 2 teenagers, is simply an extension of sexual behavior aided by technology.

And, as for the risks that have been linked to sexting, most researchers agree that most or all of it is associated with non-consensual or coerced sexting, revenge porn and sextortion. Of course, the point of all our warnings to our kids is that you may consent to send a picture but then you don’t consent to it being shown or posted somewhere or extorted for money.

So, sexting can certainly start out innocent enough (in the teen sexual realm, many now consider sexting first base). But what we all worry about (more than just our kid making their own nude photos) is what happens after it leaves their possession.

And as I’ve continued to read the research this past week, it’s also clear that the experts agree that telling teens, “just don’t sext” is a waste of breath. Just as with other risky behaviors like having sex, drinking, doing drugs, of course, we want to explain the risks, express our family values about it, advise them not to do it, make it a rule not to do it.

We have to face the reality that teens DO take risks despite knowing the potential consequences, despite our rules and best efforts, we should always include discussions about limiting the harm if they decide to do it anyway.

For sex that means advice on issues like consent, contraception, and protection against STDs or STIs. For drinking it means telling them if they ever decide to drink, to never drive, to call us or get an Uber if they can’t reach us. And for sexting, we have to do the same thing; help our teens minimize the harm if they decide (against our advice and the potential consequences) to go ahead and do it.

It’s frightening. Especially when we start talking about revenge porn or sextortion and the way it leaves a teen feeling so completely desperate and helpless. After the episode last week, I ran a across a site called “ditchthelabel.org” – a website for teens and they ran an article back in March called “What do I do if someone threatens to leak my nudes?” There were more than 50 comments from teens and tweens – these three were made just a month ago:

(I’m editing a tiny bit for clarity)

“So, this women dmed me on tiktok and I responded. She told me to add her on telegram so I did. We talked for couple days and started to feel a relationship. The weeks go by, we send pics to one another then the odd thing is, she asked for money. And now I blocked her but she's threatening to send all my pics out on social media and to family and friends. I'm not sure if I’m at fault for this but my anxiety is killing me. I'm shaking. What do I do?!”

“A boy on Instagram is threatening me so I’ll keep on sending nudes and he screenshots each and every pic and now he's threatening me that he will leak all those pics in on the internet and send them to my friends. So, what should I do now? I'm 12 years old”

“Hello I met someone on the Wink app and she tricked me and tried to blackmail me with my nudes for $200. I showed her my Instagram (which I honestly shouldn’t have) and she sent it to my family and friends but somehow no one is reacting to it. I didn’t send the money and I’ve blocked her and reported her. On Instagram and phone number. I don’t know what else to do.”

It sounds like these three particular perpetrators are all strangers to these kids. They didn’t know them, yet then sent them nudes or shared them through apps. Maybe these kids didn’t even know the danger – they all sounded rather surprised this happened. Would they have still taken a chance had they known there were people out there doing this to kids? We can’t know.

And by the way, this Ditch the Label website is fantastic – it’s for young people between 12 and 25 – it’s a global youth charity and their tagline is “Here to help young people aged 12-25 navigate the issues affecting them the most; from mental health and bullying to identity and relationships.” I’ll link to it in the show notes and If I were you, I’d write it down and leave it lying around somewhere for your teen to be curious enough to look it up (you know if you tell them to, they won’t)

So, I gave you a couple of links last week so if you wanted to go ahead and read about how to deal with sexting you could – since I just totally ran out of time.

But I’ve prepared a download for you this week that goes into detail about how to talk to your teen about sexting and what to do if you come face to face with a sexting issue – I’ll go over some of that here before moving on to discuss a little bit about sexting and the law, which can be pretty crazy.

The advice and information I’m going to share comes from Scientists, cyber-security experts, various parenting experts, the FBI and me.

The first thing I’m going to suggest, if you haven’t done it already, is to talk to your teen, your tween, your 9-year-old about sextortion on the internet. This is so critical that the FBI issued a special warning about it. We’d be downright negligent to overlook having this discussion. I don’t care if you think your child is a total prude, goody-two-shoes that would rather drink muddy water than show themselves naked, you have to talk to them about this. And, by the way, one cyber-security expert that works almost solely with kids says it’s the ones you would never ever suspect that would do it, that end up being the ones that do. So, don’t be comfortably complacent.

Let them know there are people out there who literally throw bait out all over the place under different personas on different platforms just trying to see what they can catch. Some are just sitting there alone but others are part of huge gangs of thugs who literally do this for a living.

Tell them they learn how kids talk to each other, they perfectly pretend to be a boy or a girl, 10-years-old, 14-years-old, 17-years-old. Tell them these folks are cunning and patient and will do this for weeks sometimes until they feel they’ve built a rapport with them, and then they send a fake nude, ask for one in return and then start tormenting them for money and threatening to share the photos if they don’t get them. One thing these kids worry about when they’ve fallen for the scam is that they will be the ones to get in trouble. Assure them they won’t – and we’ll talk more about that in a minute.

Now, if you’re a regular listener, you’ve heard me say before that you have to choose your time and place to talk to your kid, wisely. Don’t do it when they’ve just walked in the door from school or are tired or they’ve just done something irresponsible online. Go back to episode 26 to remind yourself of a few of the best times to connect and talk – one great time is in the car, and another is late at night when they’re getting their second wind (and all yours is about gone).

Keep in mind, you have to keep these conversations short or they feel like a lecture and they won’t hear a word you say. A good way to start is with a question. Do they of anyone who’s sexted. Is it common at their school.

Now, here are a few of the other main points you need to discuss with them, when the time is right (and I go into more detail about these issues and others in the download):

Never to show a sext they’ve received, to someone else

Never keep a nude of themselves or anyone else on any device

Never to send a sext without getting the recipient’s permission

Never pressure someone to send a sext and never send one under pressure

Never include your face or other identifying objects in a sext

Make sure the location services are off on your apps if you send one

In the download you’ll also learn exactly what to do if you find out your child’s sent or received a sext, both consensually or non-consensually, what to do if their sext has been shared, stolen, hacked, or obtained by a sextortionist and how to watch for signs that it could be happening.

Something else I do want to emphasize before changing the subject a little bit is how to conduct yourself if you do find out that your teen is somehow involved in sexting. I repeat this several times in the download but it’s so vital that I want to really drive it home.

First, it can’t be any clearer that sexting is the flirting/first base of the 21^st century. It’s not going away. It’s a natural extension of adolescent sexual exploration and unless it does wind up in the wrong hands it doesn’t hurt anyone - it can’t result in pregnancy or an STD (so there’s at least that.) Even as sexting has increased, rates of sexual intercourse and certain unsafe sexual practices among teens have actually fallen over the last twenty years.

I’m not going to sit here and say I wouldn’t have absolutely died a little inside if I’d discovered a nude photo of my son or a girl on his phone. No parent wants to see that! I would have easily completely lost my shit…which would have been a mistake. Just like every other behavior issue, or potentially emotional situation, if we lose our cool, we will instantly make things worse. We’ve talked about this on several previous episodes. It’s so very important as the adult in the room, to be able to manage our emotions so we can help them manage theirs.

 

So, if we pick up their phone and find a nude photo of them and immediately go into, Oh My God, what is this?! What have you done?! Please tell me you’ve not sent this to someone! How could you be so irresponsible?! You know better than this – how do you think this makes you look? What on earth were you thinking?!

So, where do you see that conversation going (if we can even call it a conversation – it’s really more of a soliloquy)? And sounds just like something I would have once said! That kind of freaking out is just going to blow the situation out up. It will resolve nothing, you will get no information, you will build a great big wall between you and your teen. They will feel shame, stupid, angry - that’s not what you want to do when you’ve found out that your child has been involved in any way in sexting.

Your goal should be to parent your child through a potentially extremely distressful situation. If you’ve discovered that someone has shared a photo of them or is sextorting them, they will already be beside themselves. You have to be their rock, their support. They need compassion, understanding, they need you to listen and be empathetic and tell them it’s not their fault and that you’ll help them figure it out. They need to know they didn’t do anything wrong – and no matter what, they didn’t do anything wrong. They’re a kid. Their brain is still growing, they’re still learning and they’re going to make some big ole mistakes - and this is one you’re probably going to have to help them fix.

So, the number one thing to remember is not to freak out.

The second thing that goes right along with this is do not punish them. Punishment would mean that you decide something unilaterally without discussing it with them, or it’s somehow out of proportion (go back and listen to episode 22 if you need a refresher) – and if they’re already being bullied by someone, you can’t throw a punishment on top of that. Again, let empathy and compassion lead you in this situation. Let them know you’re on their side – you’re there for them. If you mess this up, you can bet they will hide things much better next time.

Third, use this situation as an opportunity to discuss the issue – especially if there’s been no harm done, they need to understand what harm could have been done. No lectures, and no talking when everyone is emotional. Pick your time and do it a little at a time. Ask open-ended questions, let them talk, hear them out and listen to their opinions – no judgment.

Again, in the download I get into what to do in specific situations, down to when to report and when not to report. After you listen to the episode just head over to neurogility.com/33 and the link’s right there in the show notes “Talking to Your Teen About Sexting”.

Now, let’s switch gears a little bit because it’s not only parents who are confused and concerned about sexting and what to do about our teens sending naked pictures back and forth to each other on their cell phones. The legal systems – really all over the world, have been grappling with how to deal with it. Lawmakers are having a hard time keeping up with technology. Many of the current laws that aim to keep kids and teens safe from sexually abusive and exploitive situations perpetrated by adults are being applied to teens who are consensually sexting with other teens.

I’m mainly talking about child pornography laws. 23 states in the US use child pornography laws to prosecute teenagers sexting other teenagers – even in fully consensual situations!

Just back in September of 22 (so less than 4 months ago) a Southern Poverty Law Center attorney, Brock Boone posted a tweet that went viral:

Today I helped a 16-year-old girl get out of an Alabama prison. She was kept in solitary confinement for a month. She was caged because… hold your breath… she sent explicit photos of herself. The district attorney’s office charged her with the distribution of child porn.

In many states sending a nude photo to another teenager is a felony – a teen could get a 20-year prison sentence and be given permanent sexual offender status.

Sending a nude selfie to your girlfriend could literally ruin the rest of your life.

Should teens who are willingly sexting with each other – no coercion, no sharing the photos, no adults involved – both close in age, even be an issue for law enforcement? Many experts don’t think so – and frankly, neither do I.

Certainly not a crime punishable under child pornography laws.

Sexting is an educational issue for parents and schools. Teens obviously need to understand the risks, understand your family values around the issue, and they need to understand the law is generally not friendly on the subject.

We’ve said there’s no universal definition of sexting even between researchers and it’s also true between states and their laws but pretty much every state’s definition of sexting includes the term “sexually explicit”.

But to make matters more complicated – there’s no universal definition of sexually explicit. Generally, it’s the state’s higher courts that have to decide that definition when a conviction is appealed.

Depending on the state, sexually explicit could mean a fully naked body, certain body parts fully exposed, perhaps along with other elements like the way the person’s posed.

How do these state courts decide something like the definition of sexually explicit? Often, they look at how the federal courts have defined it and just adopt that definition.

Back in 1986 there was a case brought before the Federal District Court in the Southern District of California – the US verses Dost. The court had to define sexually explicit.

In that case, the defendants were adult males charged with the federal crimes of using minors to engage in sexually explicit conduct for the purpose of producing photos or videos, receipt and distribution of those photos, and conspiracy .

The defendants had made nude photos of a 10-year-old and a 14-year-old girl. And this was in 1986 – there were no digital cameras and just popping these photos up on your computer. They mailed the film off to be developed.

The issue before the Court was whether the pictures depict the minors engaging in sexually explicit conduct as defined in federal child pornography law.

And bear with me because this isn’t only interesting, I think it’s important for you to understand how the court arrived at their decision because it provides clarity for a very relevant discussion.

At that time, sexually explicit conduct under the federal child pornography law was defined as - actual or simulated:

1. sexual intercourse, including genital-genital, oral-genital, anal-genital, or oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex
2. bestiality
3. masturbation
4. sadistic or masochistic abuse or
5. lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area of any person

The court quickly decided these images did not meet the definitions in a, b, c or d. The kids weren’t engaging in any sort of acts at all. So, the only question for the court was whether the pictures met the definition in e, were they a depiction of actual or simulated lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area of any person.

So, this is one Federal District Court that is now further defining this Federal law (for any other state or Federal court in the country that wants to adopt it, but specifically as binding precedent for all courts in its district).

So, the Dost court is now simply further defining e) lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area of any person because they’d already decided the pictures didn’t meet the definition for sexually explicit contained in a through d. If the pictures are not lascivious, they are not explicit and the men are not guilty of distribution of child pornography. If they are lascivious then the photos do meet that last element of sexually explicit and therefore the men are guilty of distribution of child pornography.

These judges (there’s always several) decided that to decide if photos of minors are a “lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area” under the federal law, they (and any other court in their district) needed to consider 6 more specific factors (along with any other relevant factors in a particular case).

I’m going to tell you these 6 really quickly so you can appreciate the ridiculousness of the state laws we’ll discuss in a minute.

1) whether the focal point of the visual depiction is on the child's genitalia or pubic area;

2) whether the setting of the visual depiction is sexually suggestive, i.e., in a place or pose generally associated with sexual activity;

3) whether the child is depicted in an unnatural pose, or in inappropriate attire, considering the age of the child;

4) whether the child is fully or partially clothed, or nude;

5) whether the visual depiction suggests sexual coyness or a willingness to engage in sexual activity;

6) whether the visual depiction is intended or designed to elicit a sexual response in the viewer.

The Court then goes on to describe the photos in question in some detail and determines all the photos of these young girls meet the definition of lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic areas, therefore it meets the definition of sexually explicit and therefore, the defendants are guilty of the distribution of child pornography.

One more thing – about 4 years previous to this Dost case, in 1982, the Supreme Court had decided New York versus Ferber. That case was the landmark case that determined child pornography does not have protection under the first amendment - freedom of speech - as adult pornography does. And just to clarify, “speech” includes writing, printing, the internet, photos, broadcasting, etc.

The Supreme Court has said that adult pornography is perfectly legal and protected as free speech as long as it doesn’t cross the line into obscenity (which is a 3-pronged test, but we won’t get into that here). But child pornography, whether it meets the legal definition of obscene or not, is illegal as long as it meets those elements in a through e – and the Dost court further defined e for any other state or Federal Court outside of their district that wanted to adopt it.

The Ferber Court (the one that said child porn is illegal no matter whether it’s legally obscene or not) also noted that the whole reason for child pornography laws was to protect children from the psychological, emotional, and mental harm that comes from the production of this pornography – of putting them through what they go through to produce child porn.

So, those cases were way back in the 80s – but in 2002 The Supreme Court heard a case about “virtual kiddie porn” where adult actors pretended to be kids to produce the pornography. Disgusting? Yes. Reprehensible? Absolutely (and lots of other adjectives).

But the Supreme Court said that unless this activity of producing “fake child porn” is obscene (under the Supreme Court’s definition) or it’s child pornography (under the Supreme Court’s definition) then it’s protected speech just like regular old adult pornography, and the government can’t suppress it – it’s not illegal.

So, the Court found this fake kiddie porn wasn’t obscene under the definition, and that wasn’t child porn under the definition – mainly because there was no actual crime-the actors weren’t children, so there are no child victims of the production of this porn to protect by child porn laws - as there would be if the actors were children. The court went on to point out that “nudity, without more, is protected expression”… “nudity, without more, is protected as free speech”! Being nude is free speech (you just can’t run around “speaking freely” anywhere you want)

Bottom line – these deplorable people were free to continue producing their pornographic material for others to consume as child pornography because it wasn’t child pornography - it was protected free speech under the First Amendment.

I tell you all this because, when the Supreme Court decides something is protected as free speech – it means every court in the country – every state must insure it’s citizens get that protection. So, one would assume that consensual sexting between teens - just nudity and nothing more, that there are no victims to protect when it’s consensual and there’s no one being harmed or abused, it would clearly be protected speech.

But, nonetheless, there are lots of states that remain adamant about prosecuting teenagers under their state child pornography laws for sending a nude selfie to another teenager. Though federal prosecutors apparently more often than not, just leave it to the states.

A few years ago a 14-year-old girl in Southern Minnesota sent a sext via Snapchat to a boy at her school that she liked. Unfortunately for her, the boy took a screen shot and shared with other kids without her permission. One of the kids who saw it reported it to the police and the 14-year-old who sent the nude photo of herself was charged with a felony.

What law did she break? Minnesota’s law against the distribution of child pornography of course. The district attorney/prosecutor of Rice County Minnesota charged her with felony distribution of child pornography – of herself. If she was convicted or even pleaded guilty to a lesser charge, she would spend 10 years on the Minnesota sex offender registry.

Do you know how bad that could screw up a teen’s life? College admissions, housing, jobs, dating, baby-sitting – everything! No one bothers to check the sex offender’s registry to see WHY someone’s on it – “oh, it was just teen sexting – no big deal, sure you can go to our prestigious university”. Never gonna’ happen.

In Minnesota, two statutes criminalize the creation, possession, and dissemination of child pornography. The policy and purpose behind Minnesota’s law according to its lawmakers is “to protect minors from the physical and psychological damage caused by their being used in pornographic work depicting sexual conduct which involves minors” and “to protect the identity of minors who are victimized by involvement in the pornographic work, and to protect minors from future involvement in pornographic work depicting sexual conduct.”

How in God’s name could a grown ass man, an attorney, the Rice County prosecutor, look at Minnesota law, read the legislative intent and charge a 14-year-old girl with distributing her own photo and victimizing herself under the child pornography law? He charged her for abusing herself, essentially.

In this case, in my opinion, the distribution, the abuse and the harm to her was actually done by the boy who screen shotted and showed the picture to others. Any psychological damage done to her was only because he showed the picture without her consent. Not that he should be charged with distribution of child pornography either.

Her intent was not to abuse herself. And the MN lawmakers’ intent was to protect minors from the abuse of being used in pornographic work depicting sexual conduct which involves minors – I seriously doubt the photo depicted sexual conduct – it was most likely a partially nude picture (and nudity with nothing more – is protected under the first amendment according to the Supreme Court). She sent a photo of  her boobs to a boy she liked because unfortunately, that’s what teens do today –

that’s what teens do in general - they take risks and whether we like it or not, they’re sexual beings – and they have technology – it’s going to happen.

So, how does punishing a child who was already punished by the boy who distributed the photo, who is now the subject of headline news (as Jane Doe, but everyone at school and likely in town knows who she is)…how does charging her with a felony (against herself, no less) help anything???!!! Who is it protecting?? It’s insanity…stupidity…and

You would hope this is an isolated case, but you heard about the little girl in Alabama who spent a month in solitary in juvi – because yep, you can do that and many states as well!

This happens – kids are charged with felony distribution of child pornography for sexting.

And just to be clear; prosecutors have complete and total discretion as to whether to charge someone with a crime. The police can arrest or detain someone on suspicion of committing a crime, but it is totally up to the prosecutor – arguably the most powerful person in the justice system, to decide whether or not to charge the person with a crime, what crime they should be charged with, whether or not to drop the charges, plea bargain, etc. And this one – in Rice County Minnesota, basically persecuted this child. And obviously, the same only worse, happened in Alabama.

The 23 states that use child porn laws to address fully consensual teen sexting have it all wrong. They’re totally misinterpreting the intent of child porn laws and the rulings of supreme court cases . Those laws are meant to protect children from exploitation and abuse in the production and distribution of sexual images – they’re not meant to penalize the very teen who makes a nude or semi-nude selfie and sends it to another teen, consensually. The use of these laws in teen sexting situations is doing more harm than good.

What’s even nuttier is that in some of these same states, the act of having sexual intercourse between 2 teens under 18 or 16 is perfectly legal – no one will bat an eye.

But if you have a sexy picture of yourself on your phone or you send it to your girlfriend or boyfriend, you could go to jail until you’re almost 40 and be labeled a sexual predator. That’s insanity.

So, what happened to the 14-year-old girl charged with child pornography in Minnesota? The Judge dismissed the case back in February of 2018. I believe it was over a year that this case hung over this little girl’s head.

The judge basically called the prosecutor to task for having charged a 14-year-old with a crime under a law that was clearly mean to hold adults accountable for abusing children (not to hold teens accountable for sexting each other). He said it was absurd to think a teen who sends a nude selfie to another teen should be punished like an adult who films himself performing sex acts with a minor. He wrote in the Order to Dismiss “This Court cannot see how subjecting (the girl) to registering as a sexual offender would protect her or teach her anything but that the justice system is cruel and unjust. The idea that heavy-handed enforcement of pornography laws is going to help these misguided, struggling teens is itself absurd.” The only thing I would disagree with is that a teen who sexts is misguided and struggling. That’s not necessarily the case. It’s the prosecutor here who was sadly misguided.

One of the tweets in response to the Alabama attorney who got the young girl out of juvenile solitary for a month I think puts it the best. She said: What's the logic here? Are teenagers in Alabama also charged with raping a minor whenever they masturbate? Where does it end? Can you kidnap yourself? Blackmail yourself? Is an angry toddler holding their breath guilty of endangering a minor?

In 2021, a Wisconsin family discovered their teenage daughter was sending sexts. They lectured her, grounded her, and they took her phone away. She borrowed old phones from friends, got on Wi-Fi and continued to send sexts (because that’s what teens do). They were really freaked out about it, and they were scared for her – they knew other students were involved and they thought she might be sexting strangers, that someone would come get her, they had younger children in the home…they were enormously worked up about it. And we know what happens when we let our fear take over. We lose perspective, we try to control, we don’t think rationally. So, they were at their wit’s end so they did what they the only thing they could think to do at the time – they reached out to their school’s resource office (a police officer).

Apparently, this officer told them that the only thing left they could do was to go to the police. So, they did. And all the teens involved were charged with child pornography, sexual exploitation of a child, and causing harm to a child — all felonies. The parents were stunned. They had no idea that would happen. They had no clue what the law said. They probably thought they were going to get some help – a little tough love by a cop perhaps. That’s just not how it works (not that you want a cop giving your child tough love anyway).

I’m sure as they were standing before the judge in that courtroom and heard the words “child pornography” – they probably wished they’d just gone to a counselor, read a book, listened to a podcast.

I pointed this out in the download for today’s episode – you should be extremely cautious about getting the police or schools involved in a sexting incident between consenting teens. Now, you know why.

These kids’ futures were now seriously at stake – all because of their nude pictures. College, jobs, a military career, even perhaps where they live, are now all up in the air.

Luckily for these Wisconsin kids there was a local diversion program for just this situation - and they were given a second chance. In case you don’t know what, a diversion program is, it’s an organized program the court allows a defendant to go through and if completed, their charge is dropped or expunged or decreased, depending on the crime and the program.

You may have heard of “drug court”, it’s the same thing – take this program and you’re basically off the hook.

So, that’s what happened here – they were able to go through the program (that this little girl’s mom said was great for her daughter. She did a 180 from thinking sending nudes were no big deal to having more of an attitude that it’s not okay to be objectified and she just stopped. So, that story ended well.

But there are countless stories throughout these 23 states that use child pornography laws to prosecute teens for sexting. I’ll link to the cyberbullying.org webpage that has links to all 50 state’s laws so you can check them out for yourself. And If you’re in the UK or Australia, I’ll link to those sites as well.

In the past few years, thankfully, 27 states have actually passed laws to specifically address teen sexting, mainly so kids who are simply sexting each other consensually, won’t be charged with the crime of possessing or distributing child pornography. It appears that many of these new laws maintain that as long as there’s no coercion, no passing the photos around to other people or posting them online for others to see, and no adults involved, there’s no crime (or it’s a petty offence). Some states do address the sharing of these photos, coercion, and revenge porn. Obviously, the way these laws are written vary widely from state to state. Some address how much of an age difference there can be between the kids, whether the photo is used to harass the sender, whether the recipient is caused emotional distress from receiving a photo, and things like that.

Look into your state law, if you don’t understand it, you can probably google it and a lawyer in the state has likely explained it in a blog post.

While researching this topic I found no shortage of lawyers who claim to help teens charged with various offenses related to sexting, so I know they have information out there on their websites.

Make sure your child is aware of these laws – especially if you live in one of the 23 states that treat sexting as distribution of child pornography. That might just be a deterrent for them – maybe. As I said, I’ll link to the cyberbullying.org web page that lists all the states and the various laws regarding sexting. Please have a look. You need to be aware in case something comes up and in the heat of the moment someone says, “let’s call the school” or “I’ll call the police”. That’s just not always in your child’s best interest.

When it comes to sex, sexting, and your teen’s behavior, I’ll say this again; the rates of teens having sex and becoming pregnant have gone down significantly over the years. If they’ve substituted sending nude photos for having sex, maybe that’s not so bad. It’s normal but not without its risks. Making sure they’re aware of the risks, how you feel about them sharing photos of themselves nude, making sure they know the law…you need to do that.

But above all else, you need to be there for your kid when they need you. When they do get in trouble. When they make a big mistake that lands them in hot water or threatens to destroy their future or their mental health. You need to be there as a calm, loving and supportive presence.

Don’t be the parent who makes them feel more shameful than they already do. Don’t be the parent who makes them even more nervous about what they face. Don’t be the parent that says I told you so.

We are tested as parents every day by our kids. And all those little scores add up to determine the connection with that child. Will they come to us with the big stuff? Will they trust us with scary information? Will they hear our voice when they’re making a crucial decision?

Then when the big tests come, when they really screw up, and they come to us or we find out, those tests are worth even more points. How will you do when things are falling apart all around you and your kid? Don’t let them down by giving in to fear. Pause, take a deep breath, and figure it out together.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate other moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

You can go to neurogility.com (SPELL IT OUT)/(and the episode number) for this episode’s show notes (list what I have if I did something) and transcript.

Go to neurogility.com/herewego to find all our free parenting guides and e-books to help you learn more about your teen and how to parent them in a way that increases their emotional well-being and keeps them safe.

Thank you SO much for listening today – please do me a favor and share the episode with someone who needs to hear it.

If you want, you can reach out to me at acoleman@neurogility.com – I really enjoy hearing from you.

I’ll talk to you again next Tuesday – Happy New Year – I think 2023’s gonna’ be a good one!